Survived last court battle - child support bid

[NorthernGirl]

In January, DH’s uBPDx filed for child support for SS25. She wanted retroactive child support from when he turned 18, plus ongoing. SS25 is an addict diagnosed with BPD last year. He is enabled by his mom and relies on her to rescue him and pay off his drug debts.

UBPDx appeared to get some help from a L but filed all her own documents and represented herself at the hearing, which was yesterday. DH used a L.

In preparation for the hearing, UBPDx filed two huge binders of information (e.g. pages of her bank statements with most lines crossed out and handwritten notes about what she had bought for SS25.) We know the judge didn’t read most of the documents based on his comments. What she needed to prove was that a) SS25 has been incapable of holding down a job since he was 18 and b) he was under her care the whole time. She was unable to prove either because neither is true.

DH was able to file a bunch of documents (her emails, SS25 emails and letters) proving SS25 had lived in other cities than his Mom, was in treatment for almost two years of the time, lived in shelters, etc. UBPDx tried to provide reasons for her discrepancies but she didn’t do a very good job of it. A number of time in her affidavit she called DH a compulsive liar and narcissist, but dismissed the fact that she couldn’t keep her story straight.

The judge dismissed her application.

A few lessons I learned from this hearing and a previous one
* keep every email, letter, etc. electronically or in hard copy if you suspect you may end up in court. DH told UBPDx year’s ago (I insisted after reading it on this site) that all correspondence with him needs to be via email. Her own emails have been her worst enemy.
* use a lawyer but see if they can help minimize costs. DH’s L used lower paid L’s to go to court when uBPDx kept trying to file additional last minute documents. Even with that, DH’s L bill is going to be huge. But the L was able to do things DH wouldn’t have been able to do on his own. The L guided the judge in what was required to prove that child support was necessary. The L was able to point out where UBPDx was improperly including information, etc. She found the precedent cases to help support what other judges have decided. There were other times a judge has given child support for an adult who is unable to support himself, and uBPDx had included those.
* it helped that we stayed calm. Both times we have been in court, the judge has watched for reactions, even though DH and I sat in the gallery. The longer uBPDx had to talk, the more she went off her written script, and the more desperate she got. At the very end she told the judge that the real issue was that DH was abusive in the marriage (total projecting). DH was able to keep breathing as the judge looked up at him, and then the judge turned and reminded uBPDx that she needed to stick to the issue at hand and the evidence she had provided.

What a colossal waste of time and energy this was. We would be happy to have paid that amount of money for therapy for SS25, if he would just actively participate and acknowledge the challenges he has in his relationship with his mom. He has not been able to do that, and he has admitted he likes using drugs and alcohol more than being sober, at least for now.

We are relieved it is all over. We realized part way through this process that uBPDx was trying to get a judge to ‘blame’ DH so she could use that information to try to file another application for guardianship of SS23 (she filed for sole guardianship 2 years ago, but the judge awarded guardianship to DH.) My guess is she will still try, but hopefully she is turned down from preceding before we even have to get a lawyer involved.

[soundofmusicgirl]

Northern girl I am happy that this turned out well for you. However your post scares the peanut butter out of me.
I can see this exact same thing happening in our future with my husbands twins. BPDxw is already making them out to be "completely emotionally damaged" and points out at every turn and to everyone how neither of them can handle normal life. Just yesterday we found out that she had one of the kids switch the classroom (homeroom) because the kids were too loud and he could not handle the noise and the tantrums of the other kids and was melting down at home with anxiety everyday. We suspect though that the real cause was that the class was led by a male teacher and she has successfully eliminated another possible male role model in this kids life. The counsellor that the kids see totally support her and wrote a letter to the school pointing out how unstable the child is how she has diagnosed him with 4 mental illnesses (even though she never tested him or had him tested).
Hubby and I were hoping that according to the court order the financial part would be over when they graduate high school (which of course does not mean that he would not give them money after that age). But knowing that there are laws that actually now say you have to pay child support for long after that (just because BPDxm screwed up their lives) is terrifying.

[Panda39]

Hi NorthernGirl,

Glad you all successfully got through this. 

It's both sad and good that you know what you know.  Sad because you repeatedly have to go through this but good because each experience has helped you be smarter the next time.

It sounds like your husband's ex can't stand the emptiness that comes with no conflict with your husband.  Hopefully at some point she will get enough negative reinforcement from the court to jump off this merry-go-round.  I hope so for your sake. 

Panda39

[NorthernGirl]

Hubby and I were hoping that according to the court order the financial part would be over when they graduate high school (which of course does not mean that he would not give them money after that age). But knowing that there are laws that actually now say you have to pay child support for long after that (just because BPDxm screwed up their lives) is terrifying.

Sorry for the scare   but hopefully you can prepare yourself so you don’t have to go through what we did. DH and his ex signed a divorce agreement that said child support would be payable if a child couldn’t support himself after age 18. The child it was meant to cover was SS23 who has developmental delays. We can see now that UBPDx figured she would keep him at home, and DH would pay her forever. The problem was, she doesn’t really like doing anything with SS23, and then wasn’t successful in getting sole guardianship of him. Had she been able to convince a judge that she was the better guardian, she would have stopped SS23 from working, DH would have had to pay her, and then SS23 would have just sat around all day. But the Guardianship act says as a guardian you have to ensure the person is allowed to be as independent as possible, and she couldn’t honour that. SS23 now works almost full time and lives with a roommate, cooks for himself, etc.  He has people who support him, including DH, and he gets some government money to top up his income a little, but otherwise he is fairly independent. He would never have been if uBPDx had her way.

Having that clause in the agreement allowed uBPDx to try to apply it to SS25 who is very intelligent and capable. Check what is in the divorce agreement or what the law says a spouse must cover (we aren’t in the US, so things may be different where you are.)

Also, get everything you can in writing, and respond in writing. At times we have had to ask doctors, teachers, etc to respond in writing (they often don’t want to) to help ensure we have accurate records. These records have helped untangle her twisted memories. DH’s L commented on how she had to stay on her toes because uBPDx often twisted facts so quickly that even the L wasn’t sure what she herself had said a minute before. A grain of truth was usually sprinkled in.

It is so sad when a person with BPD limits the potential of these kids, but keep fighting for what is right. Find the professionals who can help, and keep them in your corner. 

[Turkish]

What a bunch in unnecessary you know what... .but I'm glad it turned out on your favor, NG. Even will it end?