My child seems prone to physical pain. Physical pain syndrome?

[Babs65]

Hello all,

I’m new here, since I started reading the “Stop Walking on Eggshells” book I feel like I have a chance to survive my child. She is about to turn 18, came from the foster care system. I’m pretty sure she has BPD and since I’ve started working from that diagnosis (realizing that everyone is unique), I’ve been calmer and more capable of responding calmly to her symptoms. I haven’t been truly tested since then, it’s only been a few weeks that I’ve really started to learn how to manage myself with her better.

However, my child seems prone to physical pain associated with other things. She has PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, diagnosed several years ago), in addition to her mental illness.

Over the last few years I’ve had her to doctors and hospitals for both mental health and physical complaints. I’ve spent thousands of dollars at times taking her to the doctor or ER for what turned out to be anxiety or depression related symptoms. She has been complaining about her ovaries again and I have a doctors appointment arranged but the moment I told her I would take her to the doctor earlier her pain went from moderate discomfort to full fledged agony. I can’t help but question the severity of her pain (not aloud because I don’t want to trigger her) because of the timing on how the pain changed to severe as soon as I paid more attention to it. I can’t afford to spend thousands more over something that manifests more severely than necessary.

My question is has anybody else experienced this physical pain syndrome? How do I show empathy and concern when I believe that she’s probably ok. I realize her pain seems real to her, but I’ve been through this so many times! I want to be compassionate but I’m not going to the ER to find out she has a cyst that her body will absorb normally and she will be ok. Does that make sense?

Thanks in advance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Insom]

Hi, Babs65.    Welcome!

I'm sorry to hear your daughter is in pain. It must feel frustrating to you to want to respond appropriately when you can't feel what she is feeling.  One of the tricky things about physical pain is that it hurts even when it isn't a medical emergency and it can be hard to understand what is an emergency and what isn't.

It sounds like you need more information.  When is the doctor appointment?

How do I show empathy and concern when I believe that she’s probably ok. I realize her pain seems real to her, but I’ve been through this so many times! I want to be compassionate but I’m not going to the ER to find out she has a cyst that her body will absorb normally and she will be ok. Does that make sense?

Yes, this makes sense!  It's possible to show care even when you're struggling to empathasize.  Have you had a chance to check out any of the links on the right side of the page?     Here's an excerpt from Validate the Valid that you may find interesting.

The first Level is Being Present. There are so many ways to be present. Holding someone's hand when they are having a painful medical treatment, listening with your whole mind and doing nothing but listening to a child describe their day in first grade, and going to a friend's house at midnight to sit with her while she cries because a supposed friend told lies about her are all examples of being present.

Multi-tasking while you listen to your teenager's story about his soccer game is not being present. Being present means giving all your attention to the person you are validating.

Being present for yourself means acknowledging your internal experience and sitting with it rather than "running away" from it, avoiding it, or pushing it away. Sitting with intense emotion is not easy. Even happiness or excitement can feel uncomfortable at times.

Often one of the reasons other people are uncomfortable with intense emotion is that they don't know what to say. Just being present, paying complete attention to the person in a nonjudgmental way, is often the answer. For yourself, being mindful of your own emotion is the first step to accepting your emotion.

[bluek9]

Hi Babs65,

    I just started a post for myself on pretty much the same thing you're asking. Oh my gosh we could have been reading each others mind. My BPDD has aches and pains ALL THE TIME! We have made so many trips to the urgent care. She has 5 different doctors. I hear you on the showing empathy, how do you know what's major and what's not. I'm probably a little callous to her commiserating because I've been hearing it for so long. Basically over all she tries to out pain and out hurt any one else. If my grandson gets a cut or scratch she has something far worse that needs my attention. That annoys me. One of the things I do is use S.E.T. with her. I acknowledge that she has some type of pain, "oh that must hurt". Then I ask what has she done to take care of herself. My daughter also gets so upset that she throws up repeatedly for hours. This use to really concern me, not any more. I've come to understand now why this happens. I know it sounds really cold but, I can't acknowledge it every single time. If I do it feeds into her feeling sorry for herself. Now ask her if she knows why that happened or what caused it.
     In the other post I made I said I'm trying to come to an understanding of why BPD's internalize things to the point of physical pain. I guess that puts us in the same boat. I'm going to keep checking in on your post to see the feed back. Thanks for sharing something I've been wondering about myself.

[Lollypop]

Hi babs65

My son27 (dx 24) is quite unbelievable even when it’s minor. If it’s very real it’s the worst thing in the world and he finds it incredibly difficult to cope.

I try and behave the same for both types of situation. Lots of validation, empathy and questions about how he feels.  As long as he feels listened to, understood and loved is the main thing.

So his problems are extreme and vary from not sleeping, to hunger pain to flu. He had a genuine back problem before Xmas and (bless) we struggled to keep our faces straight as he thought he was going to die (im not kidding). He was in very real pain but it’s like he feels it 100 times worse. He’d hobble up to the house with a stick and I’d have to settle him on the couch, feed him up, he’d calm and his breathing would restore itself.

When he did his back in he asked me to take him to hospital. I told him that there’s nothing they could do, it’s be a long wait only to be told to rest, move so he doesn’t seize and take pain killers. He believed me but 3 days later he got a friend to take him to hospital, he’d convinced himself it was abnormal and he’d done something serious. He told me after the event. I think  he learnt by consequence.

He’s since booked himself an appt For an std test. I was amazed he took responsibility for himself. He’s seen this through and is still worried and going back for a blood test. His anxiety affecting his perception. Not hypochondria, but physical symptoms.

Last Friday it was “something’s not right, my left sides still not right”.  He listened to me as I spoke. He left us and when he got home he text me to ask for help in finding a chiropractor or osteopath. I recommended an osteopath, he booked the appt and paid for it himself. He came back and was pleased and I know he felt validated. He’s going again for a 2nd appt. Now making appointments for himself is unheard of, paying for private treatment is unbelievable. I’m proud of him.

He’s slowly learning to take good care of himself. It takes time and that doesn’t necessarily mean running to the doctors every time. Experience and consequence of him being inconvenienced makes him think twice. I don’t get involved unless he reaches out.

I agree it’s tricky. It’s about passing their problem into their lap and supporting them in their decision as to how they want to solve their problem. My son is 27 and your daughter only 18. It’s scary for them as their anxiety levels are so high and yes, I totally believe this causes physical symptoms. I’m not a doctor or qualified so please understand this. I see it’s comicated if there’s a pre existing condition. I’m still famous for sending him into school with shingles telling him there was nothing wrong with him. Oops. He’s not forgotten!

LP

[SAAT]

 I have seen this numerous times in my DD26. She recently had a toothache which had her wailing and writhing on the floor in agony 5 minutes after onset. Five minutes after arrive give at ED she was fine. I know toothaches can be painful but this was bizarre. I do t want to be around if she ever goes through childbirth!

[Lollypop]

Hi

My son27 refuses therapy so he doesn’t learnt new strategies.

The only way he’s going to learn is by experience.

He asked for advice, I validated him, gave advice and he calmed down. This is bevause we’ve a better relationship now because I made it so through this forum and learning the tools. He trusts me now and this goes a long way to supporting him.

He took himself to hospital, waited many hours and only then to be told the same thing I’d told him. This is when he learnt that his inconvenience is greater than his situation. He now has a memory, a yardstick to gauge by.

Just like the osteopath. He’ll stop going when he can’t afford it.

I wait patiently for eye and dental appointments.

The funny thing is my son27 has a really tough and physical job outdoors.

LP