Feeling sad, loney and wore out

[Summerlover65]

Hi, This is my first online support group experience.  I am 52yrs. old and have been dealing with my sister's BPD for several decades. Our mom died in 2004 and dad died last year.  She is my only sibling and is 3 yrs. younger than me.  Since we were teenagers, we've had a turbulent relationship. Usually, she is angry at me for something I said or should've said, something I did or should've have done.  For years, I have walked on egg shells so that we could have a relationship.  There have been months in which we have communicated well but it would only last a few months until she became angry at me again.  She has become more verbally and mentally abusive within the last 10 yrs. 
The most recent painful conflict happened over this last Christmas.
Her rage was so intense and she became so irrational that nothing I said or did,  defused or de-escalated her anger. I became defensive against her anger and responded with anger.  I haven't talked to her since Christmas.  I continue to struggle with hurt feelings and am scared to initiate communication with her.  I also miss my sister and wish we could have a healthy relationship.  I feel torn between wanting and not wanting a relationship with my sister. 
I need feedback on how other siblings navigate these relationships.

[YouHadMeAtHello]

I don't have the answers, but I know how you feel.  I am at the same crossroads with my relationship with my BPD sister.  When things are good, I love having her around.  She's funny and fun.  But, when then that changes and she becomes so emotionally draining and I really can't handle it.  I had basically decided to cut her out of my life, and then yesterday she was hospitalized and now I'm feeling guilty and like I need to do something for her all over again. 

A big part of it is me.  I don't stay angry, which is a good thing, but then I let my guard down, let my sister back in, and the whole cycle repeats itself.  Ultimately, my sister = me feeling bad and stressed out.  I know my life is better without her, but I feel very guilty about that.

[Nancabell]

I understand what you are all saying and feeling. At least I know I'm not alone. My BPD sister is 54, my Father passed 4 years ago and my Mother had a stroke, she is 83 and I have another sister with Special needs. I feel very alone at times, I cut off from my sister at Christmas after yet another attack from her. I have done everything I could all of my life to have a relationship with her for my parents. I no longer can do it... .if I want to survive, I can't have a relationship with her plain and simple. I finally through therapy am figuring out that its not my fault, I didn't cause her to be like this and I can't fix it, everything is not my fault, I don't deserve to be blamed, criticized, manipulated and attacked, and it's not my job to take care of her. I have to take care of me, and I am finally going to do it.

[Summerlover65]

To YouHadMeAtHello and Nancabell,

Thanks so much for your replies... .I feel relieved that there are others who can understand my thoughts and feelings. I would never choose a friend to verbally abuse me but I have a hard time walking away from my sister.
 I know that I don't deserve to be blamed and attacked.  Part of me wants to cut off all communication with her but then I  begin to miss the "good times."   I have trying to accept that she will never, never, never change.
Sounds like the cycle of abuse, huh. 

[YouHadMeAtHello]

To YouHadMeAtHello and Nancabell,

Thanks so much for your replies... .I feel relieved that there are others who can understand my thoughts and feelings. I would never choose a friend to verbally abuse me but I have a hard time walking away from my sister.
 I know that I don't deserve to be blamed and attacked.  Part of me wants to cut off all communication with her but then I  begin to miss the "good times."   I have trying to accept that she will never, never, never change.
Sounds like the cycle of abuse, huh. 

Yeah, having a BPD sister is definitely rough.  If my BPD sister was not a relative I would have cut her out of my life years ago.  So, that right there tells me that stepping back from her is the right decision.  But, like you, I miss the good times.  I had a lot of really good times with my sister, especially in our 20s.  I wish that version of her would come back, but I know it never will for many reason. 

My sister needs intensive treatment, but even then, that will only work if she wants to get better.  Right now, I'm not sure that she does.  She just wants as much attention as possible and since she's getting married in about a month she is getting a lot of attention.  After that though, man, I think we're headed for disaster.