Logic vs. Emotion

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This post is going to sound ridiculous, but I can't figure out my emotions. I'm seeing a therapist, but still trying to process my emotions. Logically she doesn't make any sense. We didn't have much in common, she is 4 years older, she's not financially secure, her past is very unsettling, she has no friends (except for a cousin), heavy drinker and she doesn't make me laugh. Logically I know I deserve better, but I have no clue why I miss her so much. I also have no clue why I can't shake this breakup. She's un-diagnosed, but her traits are very similar to my BPD-NPD diagnosed ex-wife. When I recognized those traits I ended things and went no contact. I was right in that phase of being de-valued and she was feeling engulfed when I ended things. I don't know why I miss her so much. It's as if my emotions are over-riding my logical side of the brain. Writing on this board yesterday helped me. Hoping someone else can give me some insight or some thoughts on how they got over someone who was just finishing the idealization phase and you got out right at the end of the idealization phase.

[Heartachex2]

This post is going to sound ridiculous, but I can't figure out my emotions. I'm seeing a therapist, but still trying to process my emotions. Logically she doesn't make any sense. We didn't have much in common, she is 4 years older, she's not financially secure, her past is very unsettling, she has no friends (except for a cousin), heavy drinker and she doesn't make me laugh. Logically I know I deserve better, but I have no clue why I miss her so much. I also have no clue why I can't shake this breakup. She's un-diagnosed, but her traits are very similar to my BPD-NPD diagnosed ex-wife. When I recognized those traits I ended things and went no contact. I was right in that phase of being de-valued and she was feeling engulfed when I ended things. I don't know why I miss her so much. It's as if my emotions are over-riding my logical side of the brain. Writing on this board yesterday helped me. Hoping someone else can give me some insight or some thoughts on how they got over someone who was just finishing the idealization phase and you got out right at the end of the idealization phase.

[JNChell]

 

Hi Heartachex2. These relationships can be taxing and leave us wondering what happened. Your post doesn’t sound ridiculous. If you’re concerned that it does? My first suggestion to you is that you get comfy and read the posts on this forum.

It’s apparent that you’ve been through something similar before. BPD/NPD ex-wife that is diagnosed? You’re seeing a therapist. This is good. How’s that going? Do you feel like you and your T clique?

[Pencil sketch]

I can relate, and am just as confused as you are.
I did the generic, things you love about your ex/things you hate, and what i miss.
A page and a half about what I don't like, and I am still to find what I miss.
It is a strange one.

[Heartachex2]

Hi Heartachex2. These relationships can be taxing and leave us wondering what happened. Your post doesn’t sound ridiculous. If you’re concerned that it does? My first suggestion to you is that you get comfy and read the posts on this forum.

It’s apparent that you’ve been through something similar before. BPD/NPD ex-wife that is diagnosed? You’re seeing a therapist. This is good. How’s that going? Do you feel like you and your T clique?

JNChell,
My ex-wife was diagnosed with BPD with NPD tendencies when we went to marriage counseling. I ended up getting custody of our daughter after I decided to leave the relationship. I've been in therapy since 2012 and plan to continue. I treat therapy like my workouts. I feel that it's important to go at least once a week to work on mental health regardless of how good you might feel. I'm clicking with my therapist and I've been with her since 2016 (last therapist moved away). For some reason, I can't shake this feeling that I might have misread the situation (even though T says I didn't). I also can't believe how quickly her feelings changed (literally overnight... .planning to move in on Saturday after Thanksgiving and telling me that she can't wait to spend every Thanksgiving with me and Sunday she wants to be just friends because she's feeling overwhelmed). It took her forever to get me to commit to her (I didn't commit to a relationship until month 5) and I still didn't commit to forever, even if she constantly told me about how she wanted to be with me forever. Deep down I knew something wasn't right. Now even though I know something isn't right, I miss her and I think mostly I miss the idealization phase. I do miss having someone to text with at night (one thing that happened in my relationship is that I stopped hanging out with my friends, which now I realize she was manipulating me to do). I miss having her fawn all over me. I guess I just miss having this beautiful woman constantly tell me how amazing and perfect I was. From the outside she seems to have her act together, but once you go inside those walls you realize that her life is in shambles. However, I think it's those outside qualities that I miss.

[Heartachex2]

I can relate, and am just as confused as you are.
I did the generic, things you love about your ex/things you hate, and what i miss.
A page and a half about what I don't like, and I am still to find what I miss.
It is a strange one.

Pencil Sketch... .it is! I mean literally the things that I liked about her (like being a good mom), turned out to be unhealthy. Like when I realized that her relationship with her son wasn't really about him, but more about her. About how unhealthy it was that she was sleeping in the same bed as her 12 year old son when she had him. Or that she blew up an air mattress in her living room so that the two of them could spoon and watch television at night. When I first met her, I saw a woman who went to every one of her son's practices and games, a woman who scheduled her son's entire day and cooked for him and cleaned and baked with him. I saw a woman who literally tried her best to make life perfect for her son by taking him on vacations he wanted to go on, mother-son dates where they went to a fancy dinner and then movies. As the picture got clearer I realized that it was completely unhealthy. However, in a way I still miss how she was a mom when my ex-wife was the exact opposite and doesn't even have a clue what's going on in our daughter's life. She doesn't even know our daughter's friends or her likes and dislikes. I think it was that facade of a good mom that drew her to me. Also how she treated me like a king and always told me how perfect I was (who doesn't like that?).

[JNChell]

I think mostly I miss the idealization phase.
Yes. These individuals can make our world sing the perfect tune. This is the hardest part to let go of. We can put ourselves through a lot of punishment during this part of detaching. I only say that because I know from experience. It’s easy to focus on who they were in the beginning. It’s hard to accept that it was short lived and not in line with our reality.

Through all of this, you’ve been a strong parent. You’re doing well even if you don’t feel that way. Heartachex2, it’s ok to miss her. I would question you if you didn’t. The thing is, we feel love, and know love differently from our exes. 2 totally different languages without an interpreter. One love, our love, isn’t meant to waver. Their love must make us waver. If we don’t waver, they can’t feel us. We simply don’t match up with them. Does that make sense?

[Heartachex2]

I think mostly I miss the idealization phase.
Yes. These individuals can make our world sing the perfect tune. This is the hardest part to let go of. We can put ourselves through a lot of punishment during this part of detaching. I only say that because I know from experience. It’s easy to focus on who they were in the beginning. It’s hard to accept that it was short lived and not in line with our reality.

Through all of this, you’ve been a strong parent. You’re doing well even if you don’t feel that way. Heartachex2, it’s ok to miss her. I would question you if you didn’t. The thing is, we feel love, and know love differently from our exes. 2 totally different languages without an interpreter. One love, our love, isn’t meant to waver. Their love must make us waver. If we don’t waver, they can’t feel us. We simply don’t match up with them. Does that make sense?

JNChell,
What do you mean if we don't waver they can't feel us? Was I just too cool and calm and collected for her? (I am super laid back and literally let most things roll off my back... .I remember her trying to make me jealous by telling me about men messaging her on FB and I simply responded back with "well sucks to be them that you have a pretty awesome boyfriend"... I wasn't jealous at all)

[JNChell]

You described it pretty well in your post. If they can’t rattle us, they don’t get much from us. They feel through us.

[Heartachex2]

You described it pretty well in your post. If they can’t rattle us, they don’t get much from us. They feel through us.

In that case it's a good thing I'm pretty laid back. Most BPD's will lose interest in me quickly

[JNChell]

Heartachex2, if that’s the case, and I hope it is, you’re the envy of this board. It’s very hard to say what will un-attract a pwBPD other than their own motives. It’s a spectrum disorder and it varies in how severe it is. The way a BPD relationship unfolds also depends on the other partner. Disordered or not, all relationships between 2 people are 50/50. Having the good characteristic of being laid back may benefit you with one BPD, but not the other. It all depends on where the pwBPD came from and what the triggers are for the individual. It’s very complex. Especially when you consider that it lies on a spectrum.

[Heartachex2]

Heartachex2, if that’s the case, and I hope it is, you’re the envy of this board. It’s very hard to say what will un-attract a pwBPD other than their own motives. It’s a spectrum disorder and it varies in how severe it is. The way a BPD relationship unfolds also depends on the other partner. Disordered or not, all relationships between 2 people are 50/50. Having the good characteristic of being laid back may benefit you with one BPD, but not the other. It all depends on where the pwBPD came from and what the triggers are for the individual. It’s very complex. Especially when you consider that it lies on a spectrum.

JNChell I be the envy of everyone? I survived 2 BPD relationships :P
I know that both my exes were high functioning BPDs however their MO was the same. Idealize me and then emotionally manipulate me. Because I'm the type of person who isn't high strung it takes a lot for me to actually feel like I'm being manipulated or am being emotionally abused (usually I just let things roll off my back). The second time around I think I recognized the signs within 9 months (confirmed them about 12 months in) and had my guard up the rest of the time. I walked away the minute I was positive that this wasn't an anomaly and rather it was the norm. Can't say I've emotionally got over it, but at least my logical side worked this time

[JNChell]

Heartachex2, Logic, logic, logic! It’s nice to hear you mention it.

Many of us find ourselves in more than one of these types of relationships over time. I’ve come to find out, especially since being a member on this site, that it’s possible. I’ve been in a few.

What do you think draws us to these individuals? Why do we stay longer than we should?

[Heartachex2]

Heartachex2, Logic, logic, logic! It’s nice to hear you mention it.

Many of us find ourselves in more than one of these types of relationships over time. I’ve come to find out, especially since being a member on this site, that it’s possible. I’ve been in a few.

What do you think draws us to these individuals? Why do we stay longer than we should?

JNChellHell,
I just hope it doesn't happen again.
I've been exploring FOO with my therapist and I think for me personally it comes down to being raised in poverty and having to work since I was a kid to help out around the house. Also at 17 I was off on my own and by 20 I was supporting a gf and by 21 a wife and a daughter. I grew up having to take care of everyone else so whenever someone comes around and takes care of me I seem to fall for me. All 4 long term relationships I've had started with the women taking care of me. First gf was when I broke my hand in college she took care of me, ex-wife when I had back surgery she took care of me, gf after ex-wife took care of me after I had facial surgery to repair a fracture and last ex-gf didn't really take care of me after a medical issue, but would always make me meals and helped me out around my house whenever she would be over. That drew me to her. However, I truly committed to her after month 7 when she took care of me after I had gallbladder removal surgery.

[The Cat in d Hat]

I can relate to your story in the sense I have no idea why I miss her. I had no idea I was up against a person with a PD, though her history and behavior dud raise flags here and there. My boundaries and generally cautious style were definitely something she did not like. She wasn’t able to find things she could tear down, and the one or two weaknesses I gave her she used them to the best of her ability . In fact things really went off the rails when I finally got comfortable, showed emotion. As soon as the chase was over, she was bored and devalue phase began.

After she went NC on me, sleep has suffered. Maybe the way she just cut me off (she said she hates cutting people off  irony). Confused of course how logically we were not compatible at all, but I miss her, even after 2 months. I’ve narrowed it down to my own personal case somewhat, i believe I really miss just having someone to talk to, someone more than a friend. Plenty of exes, But why her? Lol.

Good topic. Logic defied.

[Heartachex2]

Cat,
I think it was tough for my uBPD ex-gf as well. She tried hard. I remember her bringing up at 6 weeks how she didn't want to sleep with anyone else and I told her that I just slept with one person at a time. And there were several other times where she brought up commitment, until finally at month 6 she took me away on a vacation and asked me to commit to her. It was funny how she was constantly talking about a forever future with me and all I would commit to was a month or so out. It wasn't until I committed to us moving in and bought a house is when she started devaluing. After we'd spent Thanksgiving with her extended family and they all welcomed me to the family is when all hell broke loose. Despite having a great time and talking about future Thanksgivings on Friday and Saturday, Sunday she told me that her son felt overwhelmed with how much I talked about the future (untrue since he told me Saturday that he was looking forward to living in our new house) that she wanted to go to being just friends. It was literally an overnight change. I kissed her bye and she told me she loved me on Saturday and on Sunday she's breaking up with me. Told her either we were all in or all out and she said she wanted to give it another shot. She really didn't do anything to bring us back together emotionally so I walked away.

I miss having someone to talk to every night as well. Someone more than a friend. I know I'll get that again soon. Logically I know I'm a great catch with a lot to offer. It's emotionally letting her go that's been hard.