Lack of Physical Intimacy

[Figures]

Hey everyone,

trying to wrap my head around something at the moment that seems atypical for BPD.  My same sex PwBPD appreciates romantic gestures but will split me black at the slightest hint of physical intimacy.  I'm trying to understand it so I can accept it / deal with it.

I've known my PwBPD for some 6 months now, and we have an incredible 'relationship'.  I say relationship but he actively keeps me at arms length doing that splitting-black-thing of saying he's not built for relationships  whilst giving me those BPD-glimpses of someone who wishes he could love back.  He's come round and cleaned my kitchen, bought me stuff, taken me out when I've been down, cooks for me all the time.  If you saw us, you'd think us a married couple... .but if you push him on it, he splits back and insists he only wants to be friends.  We chat via text every day, we see each other most days.  I get split white most of the time because he has zero friends and his family are very difunctional.

I've found I can buy him the occassional gift, send him cards, buy him flowers, and just about get away with telling him I love him... .but anything even slightly physical... .and he'll split me black.  We'll hug at the end of the evening (because I told him that I hug everyone and it's not a sexual thing, which is true), and for several months now I do kiss him on the cheek.  Twice now, I've seen him go to reciprocate the cheek kiss only for him to split black the very next day.  Any other physical touch is shunned.  He sits with his feet curled under him on the sofa so it's impossible to sit right next to him. He doesn't like to be touched.

For a long time I've thought there to be some history of physical abuse.  I've seen a similar fear of intimacy in victims of sexual abuse.
 He came out of a 4 year abusive relationship last summer but when we've talked about it he said it was never physically abusive.  I put it down to his BPD but then found out last week he had a rebound relationship after the 4 year relationship  (but before we met).  It lasted only 4 weeks but they did have sex.  He says he was smoking weed back them so it was 'easier'.

I'm not the jealous type but I have to admit that after 6 months of being physically spurned knowing that someone (who proved to be yet another completely dysfunctional friend / lover) didn't get any resistance irks me a little (I know it shouldn't, but it does).

If I make a flirty / sexual comment it's usually met with tuts or jokes.  He comes across as a complete prude but he has an almost schoolboy humour about female anatomy.  (It's like an adult version of "Ewwm girls.  Boobies!".  You'd question his sexual experience but from talking with him, he's had his fair share in his 30 years, despite him not being promiscuous  (cheating triggers his fear of abandoment and has happened to him enough times that I don't believe he'd do even when he splits me black - despite us not being in a relationship )

I'm being split white at the moment.  He left the door on the latch for me coming over yesterday as he was in the bath and my comment about it seeming very much like the start of a sexual fantasy wasn't met by the usual tuts of dissapproval.  He just laughed.

I went out and saw friends and family beforehand and on the way back picked up some roses.  I've found plants a good way to 'get through' to him.  You only have to look at my garden to know I'm not a gardener and I've used this as a way to help him anchor himself when he's feeling a bit engulfed.  He's the gardener... .that's his identity.

The flowers I give him get put prominently on display.  Any cards I've sent him go missing (kept private or destroyed, not sure which).  He'll facetime his sister who is in a new relationship with what seems like a nice guy while I'm sat there and make a point of showing I'm round  (I don't think this a splitting black thing as she seems to also be in the white right now)

Now perhaps it's my own particular bias but I don't think there's a person on this earth who doesn't see buying someone roses as a romantic gesture.  Heck, even buying flowers for someone in general.  When he saw them, I saw his eyes light up and physically watched him lift his arms as if to hug me and then stop himself.

We drink a lot of tea.  He has sugar I do not, and we're always mixing the cups.  yet last night, I picked up his and he insisted on making another cup saying he was funny about sharing cups.  First time in 6 months!

He fell through the cracks of our country's mental health care and on Friday, after a lot of work (by him and myself) we finally got it back on track and he'll hopefully be getting some help for his BPD.  So I know it's unfair to expect him to resolve his intimacy issue before he's even had his first session...

And yet, I struggle with the lack of physical intimacy.  It's not that I'm desperate for sex, but just being unable to snuggle up on the sofa or give him a hug  or hold his hand, really pains me... .and since I learnt of this rebound relationship it's bothering me even more.  It's getting to the stage where I feel like I NEED some physical affection even if it's just holding my hand or a hug outside of a goodbye.

Anyone experience anything similar?  He's in a good place at the moment after a few weeks of stress and so I'd like to give him at least a few weeks before causing him worries.  Is it possible to get over this hurdle?  Ultimatums won't be helpful  (variations of "I won't buy you more flowers until you hold me", validation hasn't worked, and I really can't take things any slower  but this feels very much like a stumbling block that he's struggling with as much as me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daffodill]

Yes! It has seemed that my uBPDbf has an unusual lack of interest in sex.  We started dating a little over a year ago and everything was fine/normal in the beginning, then we started having issues and broke-up, got back together and then a month later, out of no where, he said he thought we should stop having sex as he wanted to slow things down.  That lasted about 6 weeks, but after that, he was only interested about 1x a month.  Then we broke up again in October, and sort of got back together until a huge fight in Dec when I found out he was cheating on my (via text on Christmas day from his phone sent from the woman in his bed!).  

Fast forward a month and we decided to try to work things out as he realized how badly he screwed up and how much he wants to be with me and that he has wanted to get back together for a while.  But, he said "I" wasn't ready for sex yet when I brought it up a few weeks later, that we needed more time.  It's now been over 2 months and he's just now starting to indicate he wants sex again.  

Now, however, it is me saying "no" as he won't put a label on our relationship and he has started pushing me away.  He totally acts like we are a couple, we text "good morning" every day, multiple times during the day, and end the day with FaceTime, if we aren't seeing each other.  We have date nights on Fridays, although he's only spent he night once since we started talking again, and he's happy to bring me around his family, so he's not hiding me or anything like that.  But, he says he's not sure he wants to be in a relationship, on the flip side, he can't handle being "just friends".  His definitions of "dating" and being "friends" change with his mood making it harder for me to get him to define what we are.  So frustrating!  

There have also been times these past two months where I've gotten the feeling he was seeing someone else again.  I really don't understand why he wouldn't sleep with me, but would these other women.  He says he was never dating them, that it was "just sex", but I know for a fact he was actually seeing at least one of them and that she considered them in a relationship.  

The only thing I can figure out is that since we grew up together, he still sees me as the 'good girl' that he liked back then but thought I was way out of his league and that maybe he feels inadequate to be with me and that sex just emphasizes that for him and he can't handle it emotionally.

But, yes, I totally know what you mean.  Based on what everyone else says and what I've read, not wanting sex does seem very abnormal with a BPD.