Funniest/saddest/most bizarre projection you have ever experienced?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Mine was once coming home in the evening after getting up at 0400, commuting for an hour to work, putting in a ten hour day at the office, going to a night course for three hours directly from the office, and arriving home exhausted at 2000 PM to find my dBPDbf drinking rum out of a bottle, and red wine out of a huge water glass at the same time. As soon as I entered the door, he drunkenly began laying into me about my "alcoholism". 

I could only laugh, pat him on the arm and say "Ah, projection. It's a hell of a drug!" After a few moments of rage, he expressed how bored he had been because I was gone for so long, so he had to keep himself entertained by drinking - and then tried to get me to drink with him. 

This was a time ago, and things have improved a lot since those "good ol days".

What have you guys experienced? How did you deal with it?

[BasementDweller]

Mine was once coming home in the evening after getting up at 0400, commuting for an hour to work, putting in a ten hour day at the office, going to a night course for three hours directly from the office, and arriving home exhausted at 2000 PM to find my dBPDbf drinking rum out of a bottle, and red wine out of a huge water glass at the same time. As soon as I entered the door, he drunkenly began laying into me about my "alcoholism". 

I could only laugh, pat him on the arm and say "Ah, projection. It's a hell of a drug!" After a few moments of rage, he expressed how bored he had been because I was gone for so long, so he had to keep himself entertained by drinking - and then tried to get me to drink with him. 

This was a time ago, and things have improved a lot since those "good ol days".

What have you guys experienced? How did you deal with it?

[lighthouse9]

BD - Now that is umm... .interesting? I love the way you handled it, though. Well played.

Unfortunately I was still on the defense through most of my STBXw's projections and was still in a place to believe them throughout most of the relationship. After I started to put two and two together, well that was a different story.

Looking back, I can see the bizarre affair allegations from when she was having her affair. I mean bizarre. The person she accused me of hooking up with at work was someone I despise and could tell on day one that she was trying to get close to me. I immediately put up strict boundaries and told my w about it, just to say "hey, this woman is acting inappropriately but here's what I'm doing to curb her behavior." Within a few weeks, my coworker got the message and cut it out. Had I known I was dealing with BPD in my w though, I would have neverrrr told her this, because it just gave her ammo while she was feeling ashamed because of her affair, so she threw this woman in my face - which literally turned my stomach to think of hooking up with her. I was only telling her because our therapist suggested we report anything like that to each other, especially after I discovered her crushing on someone at work earlier in the year. Seemed like a normal healthy relationship thing to do, no? Not w/BPD.

Another one, though this one was sad, was the rant about how I have all of the control and "hold all the cards" after she moved out, abandoning our home and marriage on a very impulsive decision, and was telling me she wanted a divorce. I moved to this state for her job and had just got a job myself not too long ago, have no friends outside of our small community that I'd have to leave because it's attached to her work, and basically she just left me completely high and dry out of nowhere. But, I was the one with all the cards and power. She had also decided (proudly) not to get internet in her new apartment, because she was leaving for a work trip soon. But then, when the conversation turned to how I have all the power and all kinds of people helping me, she even had the nerve to whine that she was so isolated and didn't even have wifi! It took everything in me to say "that was your decision! All of this was your decision! I'm the one left with nothing!"

Instead, since this was after I started reading up on BPD, I just simply said "that all sounds very scary the way you describe it, can I ask what it is that you're afraid of?" She cried out "EVERYTHING!" and at that point I knew that it was time to SET, validate validate validate, and get off the phone.

[Cat Familiar]

This one has frequently popped up, but not recently, probably because I've changed my response to it:

I'll be focused on a task, reading something online, preparing dinner, or some other activity that takes my attention and my husband will announce, "You're angry with me," with a tightened face and glaring eyes.

My former response after I got past the internal What the heck: "What are you talking about?" And then it would spiral downwards from there, with me JADEing that I was totally focused upon what I was doing and inquiring what he was thinking, which he wouldn't tell me, only repeating that I was mad at him.

Then I would begin to get angry, my peaceful state of mind disrupted by his false accusation, and then he would feel vindicated, that yes, he was right all along, I was truly angry with him.

Now I just go, "Hmmmm, that's interesting" and give it no further attention.

[I Am Redeemed]

One of the most bizarre I can think of was UBPDh accusing me of having men come over to the house during the day while he was at work... .when I had four kids ages 5,4,2, and 1 that I was caring for 24/7 AND was nine months pregnant with #5 and about to literally go into labor at any given moment.

Oh, yeah, I had a revolving door with endless lovers all right. The diapers, peanut butter, play doh and having to pee every 5 minutes must have tipped him off 

Redeemed

[I Am Redeemed]

I take that back... .the Mother Of All Projections was on the day he flipped out after a month-long binge on meth/ecstasy and raged at me for over an hour, drove the car off the road on purpose, threatened to turn the car around and not let me go to work, threatened to "drive down a back road" and "no one will see you ever again" and then refused to let me have my son out of the car when we finally did stop... .then, after the police came by to do their "welfare check" on my son (which is all they could do until I could get to the station in our county to file an official report), he texted his brother, step-mother, and step-grandmother as well as his friend/drug dealer and told them all that HE had to call the police on ME because I was acting crazy   and then he even called my work (multiple times) and told them the same thing- after I ran in there with my hair all drenched from the coca-cola he threw on my head and told them the whole story of his drug use and abuse and they let me call the cops. AND he told everyone that he had to hide his stuff to keep me from destroying it, but HE dumped tattoo ink all in my makeup bag and it seeped out onto the bathroom counter... .and then the cats stepped in it, so there were little colorful kitty paw prints everywhere leading from the bathroom... .

And guess which one of us got arrested after talking to the cops. Not me. Guess who is still in jail. Not me.

That Projection is EPIC, y'all... .EPIC.

Redeemed

[LivingWBPDWife]

My BPDw is an instagram addict, so she spends all day putting on makeup, hair extensions, fake everything, then taking pics, filtering them and posting them for 10's of 1000's of women and a few 1000 men. Then she goes out to "blogger" parties dressed like an escort, drinks, stays out late, etc. Anyway, last week, she went into a rage over me telling her to please take our daughter to bed (for the billionth time), its an hour after her bed time, blah blah. She goes into a rage, STOP TELLING ME -- I AM ALMOST DONE WITH MY PHONE! Of course, she is NEVER done, she can't stop -- its been an hour, and she is just fixated there scrolling -- anyway, I can't be around her, just sick of her and I want to go see "Black Panther", its a tuesday, I get a ticket to the 10pm show, seat F12, get my keys and get ready to leave the house in shorts, a hoodie and flip flops, I look like a hobo in other words --

She screams -- SEE, I KNEW IT -- YES, GO SEE YOUR WHORE AND GET YOUR D SUCKED --

Sure, honey, bye... .JUST BAT ___ CRAZY -- every BPD I have met or heard about really does need to be institutionalized and get serious help -- we are ALL just killing ourselves slowly either being stuck with these people out of circumstance or the ones that want to be with them for god knows what reason... .

But, on the positive side Black Panther was really good if you like super hero movies, I was literally the only person in the huge theater here in Austin

[BasementDweller]

Wow - I see that there are all manner of ways our partners can shock us with these things. I can understand the frustration there, and like myself some of you experience the worst projections while the BPD partner is actually in the midst of similar behavior as they speak. I admit that my way of handling it wasn't really great, but I was fed up and annoyed that after working my hindquarters off all day, then going to school, I came home to a drunk man (who worked from home for about 3 hours, then commenced to drinking all day) telling me I have a drinking problem. I don't. Do I enjoy a few glasses of wine a week? Hell yes! Does it affect my ability to work, function, etc? Never.

I finally got better at the projection deflection when I learned to do the validating/"turn it back to them" thing.

"I appreciate that you worry about my well being. What amount would worry you as being "too much"?

"You drank two big glasses of wine after work for the last three nights!"

*Glances at empty bottle that he drank just prior to initiating this conversation... .*

"I can see your point. I'm comfortable with two glasses as being ok for me, but if I ever chug a whole bottle in one sitting, feel free to speak up if it alarms you. I don't want you to worry."

Abrupt end to projection. 

Doing the whole "I know you are but what am I?" - Not so effective, but I have found that acknowleging the accusation as a "concern" they have, then subtly VERY subtly hinting toward the fact that the accusation is overblown can help if done delicately. If your partner is VERY difficult, and does not ever come around (mine often does, though sometimes after an outburst) it's probably safer to just say "I understand that you worry about this. I know that must feel terrible. I wouldn't want to do anything to worry you." That works better than insisting you aren't drinking too much or cheating, because they are already convinced you are. Sometimes diffusing/defelecting is the best and only weapon available.

LivingWBPDWife - That must be absolutely maddening, but the image of you going out "whoring" in your flip-flops and hoodie did make me chuckle, despite how frustrating that must have been for you. I know many people with that Instagram/Social Media obsession, and I can absolutely understand how hard that is to live with.

I Am Redeemed - I commend your innovativeness in sucessfully running a one woman brothel out for your home while massively pregnant and with four kids. Now that's multi-tasking! ;-) I can imagine that those accusations were utterly baffling, and almost funny if it weren't so inapproriate and wrong. 

CatFamiliar - I too get accused of being angry when I'm totally neutral. I have read that pwBPD will often see anger or disapproval in a very neutral face. What can be done about that, I wonder? I also was recently accused of being angry when I didn't laugh hard enough at one of his jokes. (It was really bad!) He spiraled all the way down in to thinking I hate him, I think his English sucks (it's utterly fluent and almost as good as mine) and I never find him funny, and I think he is stupid. None of that is true. The only way I could deal with that was to remind him of every single time he made me laugh and ask him to do or say that again, then laugh my a$$ off. Terrible way to handle it. But I had to use what I had, and it worked. He perked up.    "Hmmmm, that's interesting" - I love it! I have my own version of that. "Hmmm. Interesting perspective!"

Lighthouse9 - It's totally frustrating to be accused of cheating when you aren't. Luckily this specific thing never comes up with us (oddly, it's never been an issue) BUT he has often accused me of favoring my ex over him who was calm, rational, and very level headed. His personality WAS easier, but I don't love my partner any less in comparison. At the same time I am often reminded of how gentle and patient his ex- wife was, and how she was much less sharp tongued than me. Admittedly, that's true, and I agree she actually is WAY softer and nicer than I sometimes am. But she left him for another man and I'm still there, so I think I'm doing ok, when you really examine the situation. Like you, all I can do when he needs reassurance is SET and Validate. I'm getting better at it... .it's kind of an acquired skill, and not always easy. You did handle it very well in the end after she expressed how she felt about living alone with no internet. That was the best you could have done.

[lostandconfused6]

Me and my BPD bf were on a trip for my bday and i caught him talking to "the other girl" through a fake fb account while she was on a cruise... .i had enough and called him out on it he made us leave and go home (6 hours away) at 2 am screaming at me the whole way home... .he said i ruined the trip because i called him out on it and i should have kept my mouth shut because it wasn't what i thought it was... .and then brings up how i had gone through his phone a year before that and that was my fault too it doesn't matter what i found and i ruined our relationship when i did that... .i'm a bully and intimidate him then tells me 20 min later if i don't shut up he's going knock my head through the window to make me shut up... .i am about a foot shorter than him and at least 120lbs lighter but yes i am a bully  

this isn't really projection but one time he also told me that he can't take advice from me because i can't even decide where i want to eat so i can't know anything about life... .i literally just looked at him and he said just STFU and don't say anything at all... .then i busted out laughing i couldn't help it

[zachira]

This woman told me that I never go anywhere so I know nothing about what people are like. It turns out I am a world traveler, have lived in several countries and states, and visit other states quite frequently. She was mad because I would not agree with her that most people are just terrible, and that the black woman she had just been mistreating somehow deserved it.

[Daffodill]

My uBPDbf will claim he's crazy about me, that he misses me and hates when we don't talk when I push him away AFTER he has told me he doesn't think he wants to be in a relationship with me, that he wants to focus on himself, when he's in the middle of a meltdown.  Then he'll claim that I am the one pushing him away and that I am the one sending mixed signals.  Later, when I try to get him to clarify what he wants from me, if he wants to be in a relationship with me and be exclusive, he claims I'm going to fast.  I never know where we are in terms of being in a relationship, even though when he's not disregulated, he fully acts like we are in a relationship, communicating regularly and including me in family stuff.  It's a real roller coaster.

[PeteWitsend]

#1) Her:  accuses me of being a "mama's boy"

reality: I have lived away from my mom (and dad), AND in different states than them, since I was 23.  See my mom on avg. once a year, and talk to her on a weekly basis, sometimes even less

her: talked to her mom & dad on a daily basis well into adulthood (she was over 30 when she finally went to work and cut it out... .but still does a multi-hour skype chat every weekend), sends them money (her dad refuses to get a job), is bringing her mom to this country to live with us.  

#2) her: accuses me of "always looking at my phone" and not "spending time in the moment with family"

reality:  I deleted facebook years ago at her request (was supposed to be mutual).  I only even look at my phone when eveyone else in the family is busy and in a different room, not daring to take it out otherwise because I know that will mean all sorts of accusations and what not.

her: she reactivated facebook because "she's too isolated" and is on it all day long including at work, where she's apparently "super busy" but has weekly drama erupt on facebook she'll tell me about when I get home from work (then deny she uses facebook more than once a week)

#3 her:  decide to take part in an event that requires lots of preparation, such as a unnecessary additional professional exam or chairty fundraiser, and tells me she'll need me to watch kids while she prepares.

me: "Okay, we'll go to the zoo." or "Okay, we'll go do XYZ while you study this weekend."

her: (angrily) "OH YOU'RE REALLY ENJOYING THIS AREN'T YOU?  YOU JUST HATE SPENDING TIME WITH ME!  YOU'RE GOING TO BE SO UPSET WHEN THIS IS OVER."

[Red5]

So u/BPD wife got a little peived that I was going into the office to do research on the computer, as I was not really interested in what she constantly watches on the tube, ie’ “say yes to the dress-project runway-and the Dr. Phil show”.

As I had been at work all day and wanted to watch the world news, instead of wedding dresses and Dr.Phil telling his captive audience this that and the other, again I retreated to the office... .as she protests and goes back to HER shows...

So she buys me an iPad for Christmas about a year ago so that a I will sit out in the living room with her and “spend time” with her while she watches these endless ridiculous shows non stop... .

Then SHE starts to use the iPad all the time, and then I go back to useing my phone with ear plugs while she watches her shows... .and then she tells ME I need to spend less time on the internet and more time with HER... .

She don’t like this either, me using my phone while she watches HER shows... .so she gives me the iPad back and says here use this, and NOT your phone... .(smh) and then she proceeds to tell me that I spend too much time watching the news... .on the iPad... .

And when I protest (JADE) she comes out with “why don’t you want to spend time with me”... .

I replied... .I really don’t want to watch anymore of these types of shows, can we please watch something else... .

Then she sends me packing back to the office so that I can have my “me time”... .

I can never win... .and she bought me that iPad... .AND made me upgrade to a smart phone from my trusty old flipper... . 

What ever I do is wrong... .whatever I say is wrong... .a constant “Catch-22”,

Red5

[stixx44]

I was constantly accused of not knowing how to be in a relationship (her longest was 3 years, mine was 38). 

Also, accused me of having romantic inclinations towards all of my friends.  Never did.  But found her she did many times in the past.