Doing 180

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi family

Am one year in to a healing separation.

That's my description, his description (dxBPD)
is he is free to do as he wishes.

We had 7 months during the separation where we saw eachother, went on trips, supported eachother, had good times.

He had painted me black, and yet still went w me on 7 trips, one 12 days to my brothers funeral,
He met my family of origin 2 siblings... .
All during that time, he would say, toward the end of the trip, we are not back together... .

Anyway, today the only thing I know to do is to take a 6 month cooling off.  I am not NC.  I texted him, am in 6 month cooling off, you can call, text.  I will not be seeing you.

What I found out, is all during this last year, he never had the chance to miss me.  During that time he met someone, and he told me, nothing serious.
Last week I asked again about the person, he said "we are in a r/s"
That is when I realized he was eating his cake and having it too.

I pulled the plug, he kept saying he wanted to continue to see me, am supportive, he enjoys his time w me... .

And I get crumbs.  Don't think so.!

This is the 2nd day of cooling off, 5 months, 29 days to go.

Thank you my family,

p.s.  he says his new psychiatrist told him he doesn't have BPD, he really has ptsd.  He was dxpwBPD 20 yrs ago.  I lived w him 9 yrs, from my experience, he has BPD. 

j

[juju2]

Hi family

Am one year in to a healing separation.

That's my description, his description (dxBPD)
is he is free to do as he wishes.

We had 7 months during the separation where we saw eachother, went on trips, supported eachother, had good times.

He had painted me black, and yet still went w me on 7 trips, one 12 days to my brothers funeral,
He met my family of origin 2 siblings... .
All during that time, he would say, toward the end of the trip, we are not back together... .

Anyway, today the only thing I know to do is to take a 6 month cooling off.  I am not NC.  I texted him, am in 6 month cooling off, you can call, text.  I will not be seeing you.

What I found out, is all during this last year, he never had the chance to miss me.  During that time he met someone, and he told me, nothing serious.
Last week I asked again about the person, he said "we are in a r/s"
That is when I realized he was eating his cake and having it too.

I pulled the plug, he kept saying he wanted to continue to see me, am supportive, he enjoys his time w me... .

And I get crumbs.  Don't think so.!

This is the 2nd day of cooling off, 5 months, 29 days to go.

Thank you my family,

p.s.  he says his new psychiatrist told him he doesn't have BPD, he really has ptsd.  He was dxpwBPD 20 yrs ago.  I lived w him 9 yrs, from my experience, he has BPD. 

j

[heartandwhole]

Hi juju2,

That is tough news. How do you feel about this? 

Was it a surprise, or did you agree to see other people during the break?

heartandwhole

[Mutt]

Hi juju2,

A 180 is a term on divorce boards it’s not giving attention to your SO, not chasing them, not begging  them to come back and letting them do whatever destructive r/s behaviours that they’re currently into

It’s narrowing their options by setting boundaries on yourself. I agree with the strategy as you said he’s having the best of both worlds and you’re slowly fading out your world if he’s not showing a reciprocal interest.

[juju2]

Thank you for the responses

No, we didn't agree to see other people.  Actually, we didn't discuss terms, I just knew we had to do something, we were both very toxic... .

He seems to be doing excellent, even though he lost his part time job and now has no income, other than disability, which covers 50%of his living expenses.  I see that i was enabling him this whole time since we stopped living together.  It wasn't until this week that the light went on for me, and i saw what looks like my last resort.  Hope it isn't too late.

If it is too late, I will be ok.  And I hope it isn't too late.

He has already texted me twice, "I understand... .i don't want to hurt you more"

And, " we do have one more counseling appt, I think we should go that appt next week"

I think he may be having a bit of trouble w these turn of events... .

I could be wrong.

Thank you,

j

[heartandwhole]

I think he may be having a bit of trouble w these turn of events... .

Do you think he may be re-evaluating what he wants, juju?  I hear you about the enabling and hoping that things turn around.

I think you are doing a good thing for yourself—honoring your values and at the same time remaining open to possibilities, and not cutting him off. It wouldn't surprise me that he may be feeling conflicted and drawn to you again. The kind of self-respect you are exhibiting is very attractive. 

heartandwhole

[juju2]

Thank you heart!

We had a good week, we are both in an art show, he got a frame for me, and i got an entry form for him, encouraged him to enter 3 pieces.  He is a very good photographer... .he entered the pieces I suggested... .

He said later, thank you for encouraging me to enter... .

One thing I noticed, he does not have that oomph to push himself forward.  He doesn't have faith in himself.

I really care about him, warts and all.

This is my last resort.

He became unreachable... .

Thank you so much heart and family for being on this journey,

Juju

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry juju. I can imagine this was a really tough blow. How are you handling things?

Have you talked during the weekend? Does he still want to go to the counseling session with you? If so, what would you like to talk with the counselor about?

[Radcliff]

juju,

I'm sorry for the difficult news, but it is good that you've learned the truth about what has been going on.  Being deliberate about boundaries and wanting to be respected and valued in a relationship is a good thing.

This is a big change for you both.  And it's recent, so you may still be thinking through exactly how to define your new boundaries.  What are your thoughts so far on what those boundaries look like?

WW

[ABC123987]

I don't know your full situation, so I don't know if any of this helps:

I think too many times we are afraid of losing the other, and that fear is taken advantage of but not in a conscious or malicious intent. Just as a way to manipulate THEIR OWN level of emotional turmoil.

A pwBPD may not realize what they're doing, or may not be playing strategic control games, but I do believe they use whatever they know about you in their interactions with us. Again, I don't think it's malicious, only that a pwBPD will use whatever they can that will work to reduce their own emotional turmoil when they are in 'push' mode, pushing you away. And I think they will push you away until they fear you are going too far away, that you may not come back.

That's been my experience with my gf of 5 years. Push - pull. When I'm behaving in a calm, rational and firm manner, and when I've been nonchalant about whether we stay together, she pulls rather than pushes. When I'm being needy or confessing my love for her a bit too much, she pushes me away.

I've learned, don't chase after. Let the other go. I've learned, if it's a 'hard' break up or pushing away, to  go silent.

I think you should be working on yourself right now. That's what I'm doing. Doing a 180. I'm not saying I won't re-engage if she reaches out, but it is her that needs to reach out to me, and I must learn to maintain my self-integrity and not lose myself in this relationship or the next. Learning to let go, and taking the risk that she won't come back (or he in your case). You'll be fine if that happens, trust me. The fear we have on our side of the fence is that we'll never meet anyone else or have as good a relationship as we had with them. I understand that fully. But again, I'm at the point where we've been broken up two weeks so far, and it's my way of setting and enforcing boundaries. We sometimes have to let go of one thing in order to gain another.

Here's my initial post that you provided a reply to, for others who may want to read for context:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323209.msg12952827#msg12952827

[juju2]

Cannot tell you how much your message resonates w me ABC.

What I see here and experience here is healing wisdom.

Together, we can make it through rough patches.

What I cannot see, that stuff in my blind spot,
You guys can see.

God Bless us

juju