Should I Contact Daughter?

[Brokenhrtedbear]

I'd really like some advice from those who have had experience or just more knowledge than I have at this point.  My D has gone silent.  We had 3 months and 6 days of joy and then WHAM, I'm the evil villain again.  Here is my question... .
Should I reach out during "bad times"?  Having been bitten before, it feels rather like I'm deliberately poking a wasp's nest.  However, maybe I should try and establish contact?

Feeling confused
Brokenhrtedbear

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[isilme]

Hi there.  I'm not sure if you mean "daughter" by D.  If so, this might work better on the boards for family members and not the ones for romantic partners.

Nonetheless, poking a hornet does not good and hurts us.  So your own analogy says it's likely a bad idea.

I usually recommend not reaching out, not during an active rage and not during the silent treatment that usually follows.  The Silent Treatment can last different times in any and all relationships, the type does not matter.

During this time, the silent treatment is often no more than an expression silent rage.  It's meant to punish you, to make you feel bad.  BPD makes them want to force others to feel their mixed up, jumbled, horrible emotions.  I find this helps me to remember, and to not take as much pain from the actions.  It's not so much meant to hurt me for fun, or for much more than a messed up idea that somehow I am responsible for someone else's emotions, and, therefore, I must feel just as bad, just as sad, just as angry, as they feel, and so any and all rules of engagement go out the window and any and all tactics to MAKE me feel just as hurt, as their emotions make them feel, are used. 

Then - sometimes, the silent treatment (at least with my H) morphs into shame at losing it in the first place.  he feels unlovable, and so believes I can't love him, and so he remains distant.  I try to get a feel for when this phase starts, as it's the best time to re-engage, give him a hug, and move on. 

It's not your bag of flying monkeys, and very often, the actual cause of the anger directed at us may not be known.  It does not matter what the claim is.  I refuse to believe things like cooking too much broccoli warrants a meltdown in the kitchen where said veggies got tossed at my head (true story).  Something else was at work inside him (very low unregulated blood sugar with undiagnosed diabetes, anger as his moms eating habits, everyday tiredness making him cranky, a mild disdain for when I try to cook veggies he doesn't want to eat... .).  So, one thing I say to avoid unless it can be stated without re-starting the fight and without validating the invalid, avoid apologizing. 

If you choose to contact her, an apology is not the best way to talk.  I usually recommend talking as if nothing happened.  I've done this in many cases, mostly with H, but also at times when I've had issues with coworkers.  People expect you to hold on and harp on things.  I don't have the energy for that, and figure there are better ways to get to the issue without some Dr. Phil-style "talk" that can set a pwBPD on edge.  So, if you choose to contact her, have some "reason".  "I have your mail".  "Granny's birthday is coming she wants us there for lunch."  Whatever.  Keep it short, simple, and low-emotional content.

I hope this makes sense, and that things can improve.

[Merlot]

Hi brokenhrtedbear

I'm working through very similar issues as are many parents here. I've had some wonderful encouragement from other members that has led me to a similar view expressed below by isilme.  Essentially, cutting me off has been my daughter's go to tool of manipulation and punishment, which over the years I've enabled as I've always apologised to keep the piece.  The fear of not having her in my life has been driving that set of behaviours.

I've recently had to go back to my home town where she is living and in doing so I did try to connect, not by apologising but validating her emotions and apologising for how she feels; there is a distinct difference.  I received very hurtful responses via email which tells me that she is still very angry - a hallmark characteristic of those with BPD where it takes the a long time to calm down.  

As difficult as this change is for me (it may mean we are estranged for some time), however I also feel somewhat empowered as I will no longer be her doormat.  She cannot turn me on an off when it suits her to have a mother and also use my granddaughter as bargaining chip.  I have resolved to send kind notes or messages as is appropriate to let her know I love and my granddaughter both, irrespective of whether I receive a response.  

If/when she does contact me, I will be in a much better position to negotiate clear boundaries that preserve my integrity and worth as she has broken my trust. This will mean a new relationship for both of us; and unfortunately, not the one that I had in mind.  My daughter had a BPD diagnosis three years ago and denies the diagnosis and lies about it.  Unless she is willing and able to get treatment, I will only be able to change the way I relate to her.  I am using my time wisely to learn from parents on the board and the wealth of information here as well, as well as a few books.

Having said all that, it feels as though I'm someone else writing some very rational approach to a problem.  I certainly don't want to undermine the emotional challenges associated with being cut off and told you are not good enough as a mum.  I have to say that the past few months have been excruciatingly painful.  It has been very difficult to process my feelings and my grief which seems to ebb and flow. On a bad day I still feel incredibly angry and hurt, and I have rushed to the board on many an occasions to pour my heart out. On a good day, I am so grateful for many wonderful people and opportunities in my life.  I'm also accepting that it is ok to move through grief as we process the enormity of BPD.

I guess one thing to consider if you do make contact, is as isilme suggests, is to engage in a way that is not going to trigger an emotional reaction in her but also in you as well.  There is some information to the right about WiseMind.

I hope you are ok, we all here with you.

Merlot

[isilme]

She cannot turn me on an off when it suits her to have a mother and also use my granddaughter as bargaining chip.  I have resolved to send kind notes or messages as is appropriate to let her know I love and my granddaughter both, irrespective of whether I receive a response. 

This is pretty important.

They are not in a place to see they need to change, or that change is even possible - if this ever comes, it's a long time down the road.  We are usually seen as the more emotionally "abled" of the equation, so if we want anything to change, it's up to us to take those first scary steps.  Repeating the old patterns will just repeat the cycle.  I think in some relationships things CAN improve, but one of the first things to do is protect yourself, see what you can accept as your part of the drama, but don't take on the burden of things NOT your fault. 

BPD makes self-awareness very scary.  Almost impossible.  And true change often requires some form of honest self awareness.

As we change the equation and stop playing the same old roles and start enforcing boundaries, they are forced into trying new tactics.  Sometimes, this will be even more extreme behavior, ramping things up to test you, to try to force you back into the role you are trying to leave.  This is one of the hardest times to remain resolute and strong in your convictions, so take as much time as you need to get stronger.  Often, such escalating behavior hits a point where like a bubble, it bursts.  It's called an "extinction burst".  After this, a new "normal" has been set, and you work to improve the equation even more, with a new boundary while maintaining the old one.