Hello Amnesia

[Cromwell]

ive went from having vivid memories to feeling a memory and just seeing complete blankness.

never in my life experienced anything like this, for now its just another unexpected twist of just how hazardous this R/S has been, im just shrugging it off as another unexpected consequence to add to the growing list of mental stress test circuit ive went on (rather than unravelling)

dont get me wrong, it is comforting to not be able to recall, but quite scary at the same time.

is anyone familiar with this blanking out. is it amnesia or just some highly effective repression, its almost like I get a split second of the recall and than it gets completely blanked out into nothingness.

On the face of it, it is preferable than having to re-live the flashbacks over and over, but its quite disturbing all the same. Do you get used to it?

I once said to my BPDx "ive had things in life make me ill, but ive never felt as bad as this being with you".

looking back it was more of a plea to stop, that id had enough, put up with it as best I could but could feel the limit coming close. Did it stop? I feel it was almost a green light to accelerate the abuse, oh sorry cant call it that "her wanting her needs met" (entertainment needs?)

any tips or experience with this how best to deal most grateful

[Harri]

Hi Cromwell.  Interesting observation. 

I can say I have experienced this blackness but I don't know what if anything it means clinically.  I call it my box of nothing.  I dissociate when I get very stressed out, just a mild dissociation though and that is when I go to my box of nothing.  So for me it is a defense mechanism gone wrong. 

I can't say you are dissociating obviously but it could be a similar anxiety response.  The kind of experience you had and then getting out of the relationship is quite stressful even though you made a move that would seemingly decrease your stress level (hey, even going on a vacation is considered a moderately stressful life activity!). 

I am not sure I would do anything at this point other than just observe how often it happens and how long it lasts.  Oh wait!  Is this a constant thing where you try to remember but can't?  It could just be your brain and emotions saying Nope, not gonna do this now. 

Am I way off base?

 

[Cromwell]

Hi Harri,

whatever it was, I feel glad about, it re-routed the recall of the distressing memories and basically binned them, not allowing any emotional consideration or response, which it had always done in the past. Im not sure what it means, or how it happened, but its far far preferable to what it was. it could just be that im successfully detaching and due to the passage of time, and working through what happened, the memories have far less amplitude than they possessed before. I was just a bit surprised at how this happened and wondered why and what was going on. I agree with you I dont think its amnesia, but whatever it is im glad about, its like having an eraser that wipes a distressing thought away, but in a split second so fast you barely even remember that you had asked it to be played.

[Mutt]

Hi Cromwell,

I came to say the say thing as Harri it could that your brain is working over time with stress and you dissociated I had more moments where I was in a thought and completely blanked out and forgot what the thought was about. I can understand the concern, I agree with Harri monitor it for a couple of days and go talk to a GP or an MD if it doesn’t get better. I’m not a professional don’t try to tough it out and take care of yourself get it checked. I hope that it gets better for you soon.

[Insom]

Hi, Cromwell.   

I'm no expert so can't comment authoritatively on the symptoms you've described.  However, I do think the feeling thing is interesting. 

ive went from having vivid memories to feeling a memory and just seeing complete blankness.

Can you say more about what you mean by feeling a memory?  What was that experience like for you?

[Cromwell]

Thanks Mutt

its useful advice thanks.

Hi, Cromwell.   

I'm no expert so can't comment authoritatively on the symptoms you've described.  However, I do think the feeling thing is interesting. 

Can you say more about what you mean by feeling a memory?  What was that experience like for you?

It is the worst experience, it is basically almost reliving the state of mind experienced when the situation happened, in full resolution detail except slowed down. It was the first time I saw the other side to my ex and it came as a complete shock. Ive got over it, but it took a long time. If I try to recall that memory it seems like I cant anymore, at least it isnt in the same vivid detail, it is blanked out. Which im glad about. The thing that was difficult to accept is that my ex went on to do these things with much non-chalance. Because it didnt affect her, she had no idea just how grievous the emotional abuse was. She will have thought that she annoyed me for a brief moment, not knowing how deep the hurt went and how long it got carried. When I did confront her she felt genuinely guilty about it but it never stopped the cycle of it happening again. It haunted me throughout the r/s even though I pushed it to the back of my mind. When I do recall it, I feel like wanting to stamp on her face, and the guy she went with, over and over for eternity. thats how it feels.