Wife has BPD behaviors, and I need help

[sterlingblue]

Hello,

During a time of desperate Googling, I found this article: www.https://bpdfamily.org/2010/12/leaving-person-with-borderline_28.html.  It spoke more truth to me than anything else I have read on the topic.

I suspect that my wife has BPD.  We have two boys, ages 7 and 5, that I love more than anything in the world.  My wife has periods where she says she wants divorce, says I am selfish, says I ruined her life... .these times are becoming more and more frequent, and it is starting to wear me down.  I came from a single-parent home, and I always wanted to be there for me kids unlike my dad was for me.  But things are getting so bad with my wife that I don't know if I can (or should) stay.

That's all I have the energy to say right now.  Looking forward to being part of a community that understands.

Sincerely,

sterlingblue

[ArleighBurke]

Hi and welcome!

We offer more than understanding... .if you want to make things better - we have some tools that can really help.

A very good book to read is Stop Walking on Eggshells. It describes BPD behaviours, the reasons, and a little about what you can do. The cool thing as well is it doesn't really matter whether your wife has BPD or not - the tools that you can learn here will help you feel better, and help your relationship whether she has BPD or not.

Come back often. Post and read.

[kells76]

Hi there sterling blue, glad you found the site.

You sound pretty tired and worn down, which is understandable. Dealing with really difficult behaviors like blame, accusations, and shifting of responsibility (for example) takes it out of a person, especially when it's someone very close to you -- like your wife.

My husband's kids' mom showed (and shows... .) a lot of confusing (and dare I say crazymaking) behaviors. When we first got together I couldn't understand why her words sounded so good but the situation was so stressful and messed up. Like you, a few google searches later, here I was in a place where all the pieces started to fall into place.

The kids' mom isn't diagnosed ("uBPDxw", but that doesn't change the fact that you and I are dealing with really difficult people, whose behavior impacts us and the kids.

It may not seem like it now, but you're in a good starting place for coming up with a plan that will be the best for your health and your kids' well-being in the future. You're trying to get information and learn about what to expect, even when you're pretty tired. Kudos to you for doing that work. Let us know if/how we can help you think about some next steps.

ArleighBurke suggested a great book (Stop Walking on Eggshells, or SWOE). If you get to a place where you'd like some more info about kid-related books or articles, let us know!

Hang in there, sterlingblue... .we will do our best to help you through this.

kells76

[ForeverDad]

I came from a single-parent home, and I always wanted to be there for me kids unlike my dad was for me.  But things are getting so bad with my wife that I don't know if I can (or should) stay.

Most who come here (and whose spouses are not in progressing and meaningful therapy) do end up separating and divorcing.  That is a reality no one wanted but at some point there was no other alternative.  The point I want to make is that "not staying" does not mean you leave the kids behind.  We emphasize that the children need their reasonably normal parent so that at least some of their lives is spent in a stable and loving home, without flying monkeys.  We can and should model good and empowered parenting so the children will have an example to follow when seeking their own future adult relationships.

In summary, we never leave the kids behind.  Yes, the other parent may obstruct to keep the kids as much as possible but we use time-proven strategies to retain and obtain as much parental authority and time as possible.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation (the earliest quote I could find) on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

[livednlearned]

Hi sterlingblue,

Welcome and hello

My wife has periods where she says she wants divorce, says I am selfish, says I ruined her life... .these times are becoming more and more frequent, and it is starting to wear me down. 

People with BPD tend to project stuff onto others as a primitive coping mechanism. She may have a sense that she's selfish, she's ruining your life, but she projects this onto you because it's much easier to process negative emotions when it's associated with someone else.

Interpersonal intimacy intensifies emotions, and she may feel like you're about to see the "real" her, so she pushes you away before you can do the pushing.

What are some of the behaviors you're trying to cope with? Maybe we can help walk with you and see if there are communication or relationship skills to help you. They may not keep you in the marriage, but they could help make things more tolerable while you figure out what's next.

How are the kids doing? Is your wife able to connect with them and vice versa?