Getting ready to divorce BPD wife

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After 20 years of marriage, my wife told me this week she wants a divorce. 3 months ago, she said she had made up her mind to leave the marriage (to my surprise) and that she had been extremely sad, lonely and we had grown apart. For years, she had been insulting me for being too fat, not making enough money, being a bad father, a bad spouse... .and was always angry at me and our older son for no reason. I withdrew not knowing what to do and tolerated the abuse.

Recently, a therapist that knows her well told me she clearly suffers from BPD. I know now I went through the idealization and devaluation phase (over many years, being completed 3 months ago when she told me she was ready to move on and find her soulmate).

For 3 months before telling me about the divorce, she acted like she did not care about me at all, saying she was totally indifferent, numb and had no feelings for me. I started looking at resources to get ready for divorce and contacted a lawyer and she got really upset and told me that I was triggering the divorce with my actions (even though I did not want to get divorce and she was the one that initiated it and pulled the trigger at the end).

We are now going to initiate divorce proceedings, and she wants to keep ownership of the house jointly, co-parent, having dinners together regularly, be great friends... .but I am just exhausted and need a clean break for me and the children. She is going to be livid when she finds out we will need to sell the house, and will lose her status in our community (wealthy city in Bay Area) and her standard of living is going to decrease massively.

I had no clue she was BPD until yesterday, but now her behavior an actions over 20 years make perfect sense.

Any ideas about how to proceed and whether I should just get a clean break from her, are welcome. Thanks

[divorcedfrombpd]

After 20 years of marriage, my wife told me this week she wants a divorce. 3 months ago, she said she had made up her mind to leave the marriage (to my surprise) and that she had been extremely sad, lonely and we had grown apart. For years, she had been insulting me for being too fat, not making enough money, being a bad father, a bad spouse... .and was always angry at me and our older son for no reason. I withdrew not knowing what to do and tolerated the abuse.

Recently, a therapist that knows her well told me she clearly suffers from BPD. I know now I went through the idealization and devaluation phase (over many years, being completed 3 months ago when she told me she was ready to move on and find her soulmate).

For 3 months before telling me about the divorce, she acted like she did not care about me at all, saying she was totally indifferent, numb and had no feelings for me. I started looking at resources to get ready for divorce and contacted a lawyer and she got really upset and told me that I was triggering the divorce with my actions (even though I did not want to get divorce and she was the one that initiated it and pulled the trigger at the end).

We are now going to initiate divorce proceedings, and she wants to keep ownership of the house jointly, co-parent, having dinners together regularly, be great friends... .but I am just exhausted and need a clean break for me and the children. She is going to be livid when she finds out we will need to sell the house, and will lose her status in our community (wealthy city in Bay Area) and her standard of living is going to decrease massively.

I had no clue she was BPD until yesterday, but now her behavior an actions over 20 years make perfect sense.

Any ideas about how to proceed and whether I should just get a clean break from her, are welcome. Thanks

[Panda39]

Hi divorcedfromBPD,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

After 20 years of marriage, my wife told me this week she wants a divorce. 3 months ago, she said she had made up her mind to leave the marriage (to my surprise) and that she had been extremely sad, lonely and we had grown apart. For years, she had been insulting me for being too fat, not making enough money, being a bad father, a bad spouse... .and was always angry at me and our older son for no reason. I withdrew not knowing what to do and tolerated the abuse.

Sounds like you and your son were scapegoats, she needed someone to blame so she could feel better.

I started looking at resources to get ready for divorce and contacted a lawyer and she got really upset and told me that I was triggering the divorce with my actions (even though I did not want to get divorce and she was the one that initiated it and pulled the trigger at the end).

She's blame shifting here.

We are now going to initiate divorce proceedings, and she wants to keep ownership of the house jointly, co-parent, having dinners together regularly, be great friends... .but I am just exhausted and need a clean break for me and the children.

Sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it too 

Enough about what she wants, what do you hope/expect to see come out of divorce?  How old are your children? Have you discussed the divorce with them?  Do you feel that your wive could be high conflict as the divorce progresses? 

There is a book that I want to suggest to you that might be helpful as you move forward... .

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy

I also want to suggest a couple of books on BPD in general that you might find helpful in terms of just getting a handle on what BPD is... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger

and

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr, M.A.,


Take Care,
Panda39

 

[ForeverDad]

I had no clue she was BPD until yesterday, but now her behavior an actions over 20 years make perfect sense.

Most of us here never knew what we were dealing with, well, until we had been locked into the dysfunction for years and years.  I had been married 15 years before I consulted a counselor.  I made sure it was a woman with degrees, for my spouse's benefit.  Then my ex refused marital counseling, but added she would 'support' me in my sessions.  She was told to wait in the lobby.  Sadly, the counselor was totally inept, in the three sessions before I called it quits she focused entirely on my FOO (family of origin) and never gave any insight or suggestions regarding my ex, her rants and her rages.

However, a few months later I was again desperate and called my local university for help.  I lived out of the county so they couldn't do a home visit as I had hoped but the man answering my call remarked, "This sounds like a personality dysfunction."  Only then did I have a clue what the core issue was.  The counselor didn't give a clue, neither did my calls to CPS, neither did my otherwise excellent pediatrician.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife told me this week she wants a divorce... .

We are now going to initiate divorce proceedings, and she wants to keep ownership of the house jointly, co-parent, having dinners together regularly, be great friends... .but I am just exhausted and need a clean break for me and the children. She is going to be livid when she finds out we will need to sell the house, and will lose her status in our community (wealthy city in Bay Area) and her standard of living is going to decrease massively.

As LnL summarized, "Sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it too."

Do you really believe for a moment that being a "roommate" will fix all her issues?  Rather it would leave you tied to her but without marital benefits or leverage.

Typically, a divorce from a person with BPD (pwBPD) requires as clean a break as possible and all remaining interactions kept to a minimum and clearly spelled out in a court order.

Co-own a house?  Living in the same home?  Eating meals together?  To her that feels like a fix but it isn't, probably it reduces your leverage over her poor behaviors and stacks the deck more in her favor.  You already know that won't stop her rants, rages, belittling, disparaging, guilting, controlling, blaming, blame shifting, etc.

Unless a spouse is in serious, meaningful and progressing therapy — and making demonstrable progress over time — then you can't depend on promises to improve.  Words are cheap, it is actions over time that count.

What is the age of your youngest child?  Subtract that from 18 and that's generally how many years you will have court orders regarding custody and parenting time schedules.  By the way, you're benefiting from counselors, don't you think your kids will too?  Be aware your spouse is likely to oppose counseling for the kids but rest assured that courts like the counseling concept.  If you ask for kids' counseling, it ought to get approved.  However you need to make sure the counselor is perceptive, experienced and not gullible to emotional claims and stories by pwBPD.

If your children will be adults soon, then your conflict in court will focus more on the financial aspects rather than both financial and custody aspects.

Your #1 best handbook will be William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

[divorcedfrombpd]

Thanks for the advice! Really appreciate it. Even though I just found out she is BPD, I am really angry at her for the damage we are going to be inflict the kids and all changes we are going to have to deal with. I know she is mentally ill and is a broken person, but I am still absorbing the news and worried for my kids

[livednlearned]

I started looking at resources to get ready for divorce and contacted a lawyer and she got really upset and told me that I was triggering the divorce with my actions

Talking to her about divorce-related topics will not help you, at this point.

When she talks about divorce, it's a way to control things. When you talk about it, she will feel threatened.

Not to mention she will use what you suggest to her advantage.

It's important when divorcing a disordered person to be a few (if not more) steps ahead so that you can be prepared. This will help save you both money, too.

High conflict people tend to get in their own way when doing things from an emotionally dysregulated place, so the more you focus on your goals and your strategy, the better it usually is for both parties. Let her talk, but don't share too much of your own plans.

Rules are a bit different in a high-conflict divorce.

she wants to keep ownership of the house jointly, co-parent, having dinners together regularly, be great friends

No.

Just no.

Any ideas about how to proceed and whether I should just get a clean break from her

How old are the kids?

What is their relationship with mom like?

What kind of custody arrangement do you think is best for them?

What next steps do you have planned?

[ForeverDad]

Thanks for the advice! Really appreciate it. Even though I just found out she is BPD, I am really angry at her for the damage we are going to be inflict the kids and all changes we are going to have to deal with. I know she is mentally ill and is a broken person, but I am still absorbing the news and worried for my kids.

A caution here... .  We Nice Guys and Nice Gals have wonderful qualities such as empathy and fairness that can sabotage us when we're faced with dilemmas while divorcing a spouse who has caused so much damage, obstruction and chaos.  How so?  Frankly, the vast majority of the conflict is caused by one spouse/parent.  Yet our natural inclination is to accept responsibility for the problems and how they will have to be resolved.

My point is that yes as part of the marriage, you do have some level of responsibility but NOT the majority of the problem.  So be very careful not to expose yourself, especially to legal aspects, where you shoulder too much responsibility for the marriage's demise.  Your 'culpability' is that you didn't know what you were really dealing with until very recently.  It can almost be guaranteed that she will try to blame you (blame shift onto you) for the looming divorce and fallout.  She will likely try to convince the kids you are the Mean Bad Guy and she is the Victim.  Don't go along with that, okay?