Just need support

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I only realized last night that my ex? (don't even know what to call him because he would never really commit) is BPD.  It's taken my 3 years of hell to finally realize it after our precious cat died yesterday.  It such a long and crazy story as I am sure that most are that I don't even know where to begin.

We met in May 2015 as more of a "friends with benefits" thing since we both divorced and I soon discovered I was older than him.  It progressed and I moved in and out twice within these 3 years.  I would leave and then he would find a reason I needed to come over to do dishes or clean or whatever and we would hang out.  He was rarely sweet, surprised me once with a trip to the ocean (had never seen) and a teddy bear and flowers on valentines day once.  But we had separate bedrooms until 3 months ago.  He moved me into his room and for 3 weeks we were close as ever, of course I was in heaven.  Then one day he couldn't take it - HAD to leave, find an apartment and it was all because he couldn't stand to be around me of course and my fault for being clingy and needy.  After a few days of friendly texting we would meet up, maybe have sex and it would be ok until he left and ignored me which of course put me into a rage because I COULDN'T understand how we could get along fine then BOOM back to indifference.  The final straw was yesterday our baby died after he had been hit by a car in February and had major surgery but suddenly we found out there was more damage done and he had no lung capacity and was put to sleep - WITHOUT ME of course.  I came in the house (he came home from the apartment briefly) and tried to talk and he said to shut up he doesn't want to hear my voice.  We are done, he hates me, his family hates me, I am worthless, he never wanted to be with me and that's all I want (honestly not now), I'm evil and vindictive and play games.  Blah, blah, blah.

I sent him a text last night that basically said goodbye take care and this morning he said simply "thank you"  I'm moving next weekend to my own apartment a town away so he can come back because I had no where to go, NO family around here, NO friends.  It's tough and I know for the best, but part of me questions whether or not he will be silent.  When I met him he was so "in-love" with his ex-wife who cheated on him and he "hated", yet but her on a pedstal suddenly and right now I don't know what to expect and honest to God don't know how strong I can be with no support which is why I came here.  His family was my family, my own is 5 hours away with the exception of my two girls.  I do work mon-fri and lots of overtime so that will help. 

Just don't know what to expect, where to go.  Part of me still says I do love him and we could be good friends apart, but I don't know how.  Maybe he will stay away and quiet.  I have already joined a gym in the new town, am talking with my coworkers about how to possibly meet new people, but I am so damaged now from him and my previous Narc husand that my sel-esteem is shot and I am terrifed of people's intentions.  I loved that man unconditionally, put up with SO much crap and I'M the bad guy, although this wasn't the first time.

[princess_peach]

I only realized last night that my ex? (don't even know what to call him because he would never really commit) is BPD.  It's taken my 3 years of hell to finally realize it after our precious cat died yesterday.  It such a long and crazy story as I am sure that most are that I don't even know where to begin.

We met in May 2015 as more of a "friends with benefits" thing since we both divorced and I soon discovered I was older than him.  It progressed and I moved in and out twice within these 3 years.  I would leave and then he would find a reason I needed to come over to do dishes or clean or whatever and we would hang out.  He was rarely sweet, surprised me once with a trip to the ocean (had never seen) and a teddy bear and flowers on valentines day once.  But we had separate bedrooms until 3 months ago.  He moved me into his room and for 3 weeks we were close as ever, of course I was in heaven.  Then one day he couldn't take it - HAD to leave, find an apartment and it was all because he couldn't stand to be around me of course and my fault for being clingy and needy.  After a few days of friendly texting we would meet up, maybe have sex and it would be ok until he left and ignored me which of course put me into a rage because I COULDN'T understand how we could get along fine then BOOM back to indifference.  The final straw was yesterday our baby died after he had been hit by a car in February and had major surgery but suddenly we found out there was more damage done and he had no lung capacity and was put to sleep - WITHOUT ME of course.  I came in the house (he came home from the apartment briefly) and tried to talk and he said to shut up he doesn't want to hear my voice.  We are done, he hates me, his family hates me, I am worthless, he never wanted to be with me and that's all I want (honestly not now), I'm evil and vindictive and play games.  Blah, blah, blah.

I sent him a text last night that basically said goodbye take care and this morning he said simply "thank you"  I'm moving next weekend to my own apartment a town away so he can come back because I had no where to go, NO family around here, NO friends.  It's tough and I know for the best, but part of me questions whether or not he will be silent.  When I met him he was so "in-love" with his ex-wife who cheated on him and he "hated", yet but her on a pedstal suddenly and right now I don't know what to expect and honest to God don't know how strong I can be with no support which is why I came here.  His family was my family, my own is 5 hours away with the exception of my two girls.  I do work mon-fri and lots of overtime so that will help. 

Just don't know what to expect, where to go.  Part of me still says I do love him and we could be good friends apart, but I don't know how.  Maybe he will stay away and quiet.  I have already joined a gym in the new town, am talking with my coworkers about how to possibly meet new people, but I am so damaged now from him and my previous Narc husand that my sel-esteem is shot and I am terrifed of people's intentions.  I loved that man unconditionally, put up with SO much crap and I'M the bad guy, although this wasn't the first time.

[juju2]

So sorry, about your baby, everything.

I know fm my s.o., we are separated, that crisis makes his disorder worse.  That is probably what caused this last dust up.

I had to learn about BPD, what makes it worse, how I can be a better person around him, etc.

He doesn't know that his disorder is a big part of how his life unfolds. 

None of this helps you now.  I am sad for you.

This doesn't sound like it is the end, from what I read here, they will pull/push.  We know how they have been, all the ups, downs, drama.  No one else has stood by.

My path right now is staying stable, no matter what else is going on.  I am accountable to myself.

Hang in there, tomorrow is a new day.  j

[princess_peach]

Thank you.

Of course we have progressed in our tedious "dance" after a fight where we text super polite.  It's like just enough for him to know I'm there on the backburner (I think) and me to get my "fix" and quit obsessing.  Sad to know it's so toxic and unhealthy yet be unable to walk away.  Ugh. 

[Circle]

Princess Peach,
Sorry to hear of your struggles in this relationship. Such relatiinships seem to take so much, that like you, we feel depleted.
And, even worse, we will do anything to keep them from ending, including hurting ourselves, by sacrificing our own needs to stay involved.
It's difficult to make it through the desert of seperation, to the shore of the healthy, being-single-lake; yet possible.
The question is, do we want to make the difficult trip, or stay in the town of Hell.