Hello, things are good

[Gorges]

Hi everyone,
Thanks for reaching out to me in private messages.  My daughter will be 20 in a week and things are going well.  She just finished a full year of college and living at home with us.  She has had some dramatic outbursts and found herself making  some poor choices and continues to flounder a bit as a student (missed classes, late papers, horrible sleep schedule) but overall I hope headed in the right direction.  It is really hard to know.  I am much better at separating myself.  A few days ago she was hysterical crying about not wanting to go back to college and blaming the rest of us for being college educated and generally liking school.  I just said that she can really do what she likes but the support we give her now is because she is in school and can't work full time.  I asked if she was thinking that at close to 20 we should be financially supporting her if she was not in school and she agreed that we should not.   I told her take the summer and research other options.  Somehow she calmed down and we did not hear about it again.  She is busy with two lower wage jobs for the summer so I need to address this with her again before I pay the deposit for college next year.

I do think separating myself from her and holding her accountable were helpful in this process.  It is a bit unnatural to do this, but it was the only thing that seemed to work.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

Gorges it’s lovely to see you   glad to hear things are going well and I totally agree with how you’re handling the college issues with your DD .
Onwards and upwards gorges 

[Merlot]

Hi Gorges

I've read many posts recently, where parents have been able to apply wisemind in dealing with their children, calm conversations that contribute to de-escalation of emotions/issues that also include engaging BPD children in what their views are about things but clearly sets some limits.  Well done to you for providing another positive to all of us here, including me. 

Good luck with your next conversation, financial issues are also very challenging.

Merlot

[wendydarling]

Hello Gorges 

It's so uplifting to hear things continue to go well for you Gorges. I'm right there with you, you reminding your DD she has options upon which she can make a decision. With my DD her thinking through options helped her be realistic what works for her and accept that's her choice, she owns it, her responsibility.

Can you share for others here what separating yourself has involved for you?

Onwards and upwards as Yep says, it's great to see so many making progress in the right direction here.

WDx