Post-nup w/ BPD a bad idea?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPDw and I separated a month ago and still hope we might reconcile. In the meantime, we both have some anxiety that, crudely stated, the other will destroy ourselves and our family. I've come to realize that's mostly my projection, but my wife gets apoplectic when this topic comes up saying that she fears that she will be on the street, homeless, kicked out of her community and penniless because of how I might act.

About a year ago I spoke with a mediator to learn a little bit about that process and during that conversation I learned about post-nups. Part of me thinks this is a great idea because it could lower the fear factor and we might be able to deal with our problems more constructively without as much anxiety about a catastrophe. Of course a divorce would be painful and awful, regardless, but maybe a little less so.

On another board this came up because I was talking about how I felt like I was betraying my wife if I spoke with attorneys or considered worst case scenarios. My wife has a history of DV. On that other thread Wentworth mentioned that there might be problems with post-nups given DV and that I might be prone to give away too much because of FOG.

Thoughts?

[downheart]

My BPDw and I separated a month ago and still hope we might reconcile. In the meantime, we both have some anxiety that, crudely stated, the other will destroy ourselves and our family. I've come to realize that's mostly my projection, but my wife gets apoplectic when this topic comes up saying that she fears that she will be on the street, homeless, kicked out of her community and penniless because of how I might act.

About a year ago I spoke with a mediator to learn a little bit about that process and during that conversation I learned about post-nups. Part of me thinks this is a great idea because it could lower the fear factor and we might be able to deal with our problems more constructively without as much anxiety about a catastrophe. Of course a divorce would be painful and awful, regardless, but maybe a little less so.

On another board this came up because I was talking about how I felt like I was betraying my wife if I spoke with attorneys or considered worst case scenarios. My wife has a history of DV. On that other thread Wentworth mentioned that there might be problems with post-nups given DV and that I might be prone to give away too much because of FOG.

Thoughts?

[ForeverDad]

... .because I was talking about how I felt like I was betraying my wife if I spoke with attorneys or considered worst case scenarios. My wife has a history of DV. On that other thread Wentworth mentioned that there might be problems with post-nups given DV and that I might be prone to give away too much because of FOG.

You are in the process of unwinding a major relationship, really just beginning.  You are very likely to Gift Away far too much at this stage.  Ponder a post-nup carefully, there are huge ramifications that could impact you in so many ways in future years.  Therefore, have solid legal advice and also accept input from here in peer support, we've been there and done that.

Likely much of what she would want in a post-nup would hamstring you during a divorce.  A disordered spouse would focus on self-interests, not the children or hopes of fairness.  There is real risk that she could pressure you to let her load a post-nup with tons of clauses that would outright favor her over you and even the children's best interests.  While there's nothing wrong in principle of a pre-nup, she could use it to stack some things in her favor or even limit your 'ammunition' of your more stable parenting that could otherwise be used in a divorce for leverage to get her to accept better terms.  Keep your eyes open, listen to legal advice and continue peer support.

I bet that one thing she would want in a post-nup is that you wouldn't use DV history during the divorce and custody struggle.  You can't let her tie up that option, for the kids' sake.

On the matter of confidential legal advice, don't feel guilted.  For all you know she too is seeking her own legal advice, do you think she is worried about how you would feel?  Yeah, I thought not.

And a word about legal advice.  If the marriage is to work, you do share information.  However, if the marriage is ending then you have to limit shared information to ongoing parenting matters.  Any legal discussions, strategy sessions, etc must remain confidential and private so that you don't enable her to sabotage you and your strategies.  Yes, no more caving in during late night interrogations.

[livednlearned]

downheart,

One of the hallmarks of BPD is inconsistency, and post nups from what I understand are not legally binding. Meaning, both of you could still go to court and hash things out there. She can learn this from a quick phone call to an attorney, I would imagine.

Which means, you would spend thousands of dollars drafting a post-nup, and then could find yourself back at square one. If feelings equal facts, your wife could even perceive this as an attempt to control her, or limit her options. It doesn't have to be true, it simply has to be how she feels.

You want to show her that you won't betray her, but it seems like no matter what you do, she feels betrayed.

This seems less like a legal issue and more like a boundary issue.

What events led up to the trial separation?

[formflier]

I have a rough idea of what I would want in a post-nup with my wife.  Should she ever really put the press on to be more financially "tied together" again (right now we have almost no financial ties), I can't imagine I would do so without a post nup.

Essentially it's a contract.  Most of what I would ask for are things that she has promised not to do in the past and then abrogated that agreement.

Anyway... .they are legal in my state, but in almost any state, even where they are "legal"... .my understanding is they are a relatively "young" area of law, so there is likely not much case law.

My understanding is state law varies on this.  And then what happens if you get a post nup in a state with strong laws... and then it is contested (you guys move) to a state with "weak" laws.

The concept is great (IMO)... .yet I would advise great care in private discussions with an attorney to make sure this agreement does what YOU want it to do.  Additionally, make sure the attorney understands the dysfunction nature of your SO... .and that her intention may be different than what she says or writes.

In other words... .make sure you understand how it can be used against you.

FF