How To Get uBPD 18yo Daughter Into DBT?

[Iscream]

Hi Everyone,

My hubby and I have an undiagnosed BPD daughter. She just turned 18 so is an adult now and we just realized after 5 years of thinking she was just an overly emotional drama queen teenager that she does in fact have a mental illness. We happened to be watching a video on you tube when a psychologist explained BPD and it sounded like her knew our daughter. The intelligence, being intuitive, being able to know what is wrong but never being able to implement the change she can describe. The fear of abandonment but acting so horribly that abandonment ends up happening. Bingo... .that’s her. My husband and I reached out to a psychologist we know and she said it sounds like BPD but obviously she can’t know for sure. Our daughter did go to therapy last year and did CBT which only made things worse. Now we think we know that DBT is the way to go. The issue now is finding a psychologist in our area that does DBT (the one we did find has a 6 month wait list) and next, how can we help our daughter realize she needs to go to therapy?  We would love to hear stories from those who went through a similar situation. Thanks everyone!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello Iscream,

I would like to welcome you here, you will find lots of information and resources to help you.

Oh how hard it is when we can see so clearly what is wrong with our child and we also know what will help them, if only they could see it too. And that sadly is where the problem lies. Unless your daughter realises that she needs help there is nothing that you can do.

You say that your daughter did go to therapy last year and did CBT but that made it worse, do you think that is why she might not want to go into therapy again?

I can give you a link here which you might find useful:

How to get Borderline into Therapy

Hope to hear from you again x 

[Merlot]

Hello Iscream

Welcome to the BPD family and i'm sorry for what you are going through, no doubt the circumstances are very confronting as your child verges on adulthood with many concerning behaviours. 

It is great that you are engaged with a psychologist and encouraging that your daughter has engaged in therapy before.  Even without a diagnosis, would your daughter be open to a discussion about therapy and how you could both be engaged in the process to ensure that your relationship can be better.  By moving the issue away from her directly and focussing on conflict and relationship management for both of you, maybe she would consider.

I am NC with my BPD daughter so DBR has not been an option for me, however many parents here will be able to share stories about their children and DBT therapy.

We look forward to hearing more from you.

Merlot

[wendydarling]

Hi there again Iscream 

Even without a diagnosis, would your daughter be open to a discussion about therapy and how you could both be engaged in the process to ensure that your relationship can be better.  By moving the issue away from her directly and focussing on conflict and relationship management for both of you, maybe she would consider.

Merlot "moving the issue away from her directly" is a really interesting proposition. Iscream, while I was not directly involved in my 29DD's DBT, it was important for my DD to know I was studying, gaining knowledge and practising the tools here many of which are DBT based. It gave her comfort knowing she was not alone and I was part of the solution, we were, are both doing our best. In time she'd instigate conversations with me about therapy, specific tools she'd used in difficult situations, new ways of coping eg a new self soother.

Iscream, how did CBT make it worse for your daughter, what happened?  My DD's good friend suggested she seek support through therapy (unknown to me) She engaged in CBT for about six months at the end of which she fell into crisis and was diagnosed. She described the CBT experience as being 'opened up' and not provided with the tools and skills to manage the intensity of feelings and confusion. I have not personally heard of anyone else saying CBT made things worse so I am interested to hear how your DD felt about the experience. Even though her CBT experience was not good, she threw herself into DBT in sheer desperation to find a solution to manage her pain.

There are many parents here with teens, young adults in the same position as you hoping their child embraces treatment, I recently explained this to my DD I wanted to hear her point of view. She said at 18 she poo poo'd therapy, could not understand how people sit there and talk about their feelings, their problems to a stranger (at 18 she was functioning, diagnosis came at 26). Now she can't get enough of it. Things can change.

WDx

[Iscream]

Hi there again Iscream 

Merlot "moving the issue away from her directly" is a really interesting proposition. Iscream, while I was not directly involved in my 29DD's DBT, it was important for my DD to know I was studying, gaining knowledge and practising the tools here many of which are DBT based. It gave her comfort knowing she was not alone and I was part of the solution, we were, are both doing our best. In time she'd instigate conversations with me about therapy, specific tools she'd used in difficult situations, new ways of coping eg a new self soother.

Iscream, how did CBT make it worse for your daughter, what happened?  My DD's good friend suggested she seek support through therapy (unknown to me) She engaged in CBT for about six months at the end of which she fell into crisis and was diagnosed. She described the CBT experience as being 'opened up' and not provided with the tools and skills to manage the intensity of feelings and confusion. I have not personally heard of anyone else saying CBT made things worse so I am interested to hear how your DD felt about the experience. Even though her CBT experience was not good, she threw herself into DBT in sheer desperation to find a solution to manage her pain.

There are many parents here with teens, young adults in the same position as you hoping their child embraces treatment, I recently explained this to my DD I wanted to hear her point of view. She said at 18 she poo poo'd therapy, could not understand how people sit there and talk about their feelings, their problems to a stranger (at 18 she was functioning, diagnosis came at 26). Now she can't get enough of it. Things can change.

WDx

Our DD seems to be open to therapy... .sometimes.  We are going to have a talk with her this Friday to see what exactly she is open to but we are having difficulty finding a DBT psychologist. There are only 2 in the city and both have extremely long wait lists.

As for CBT, she was getting all of her feelings validated by the psychologist and not sharing with her exactly what was happening.  With only our DDs version of events which were described the way she things, the psychologist didn’t see the BPD because she didn’t show it. Our DD appears extremely friendly, lovely, smart, articulate, compassionate, empathetic etc when you meet her and it is easy to fall in love with her. The problem is, that is not who she is on the inside or who she is to her family. At the time I said to her that therapy was making her worse but I didn’t know why. Now I think I do.

[wendydarling]

Hi Iscream

Thanks for the CBT share, my DD's DBT therapist at one point called her Queen of Avoidance, he was right on it, 20+years DBT experience working with pwBPD.

Our DD seems to be open to therapy... .sometimes. We are going to have a talk with her this Friday to see what exactly she is open to but we are having difficulty finding a DBT psychologist. There are only 2 in the city and both have extremely long wait lists.

It's encouraging your DD seems open to therapy... .sometimes, that she talks to you a major opportunity. DBT maybe right up her street like my DD. I'm sorry there is a lack of available DBT near you, a problem for so many of us. My DD waited a year (UK NHS) though they did put in place a 'bridge' for those on the waiting list half way through that year which was the weekly skills building group - that helped so much, absolute life saver as she was in severe crisis. I also rang, kept in touch asking how far up the list she was. 6month waiting list can shrink as people do drop out... .

Have you prepared for the talk on Friday?

WDx

[Iscream]

We have done so much research in the past week that I feel like I’m back in university!  I wish I had heard of BPD 4 years ago!  Everything we read and watch on YouTube speaks such volumes about what our dd is going through. I have a totally different perspective and now just have to learn how not to take her outbursts and hurtful statements seriously. I think all of the research has definitely helped to be ready for the talk on Friday.

A little more about our story. Our dd went to college in September. She didn’t return for second semester and we had no idea until she showed back up in our city without telling us. She didn’t drop out officially so we are still on the hook for the money. She immediately returned to her old job and was supposed to start paying us back with her first pay cheque. Within 3 days the money was gone and she just kept giving excuses as to why she didn’t give us any until I outright asked her and she admitted the truth. This is her obsessive behaviour; she can’t not spend money. As soon as she has it it is gone. I wish we could help her with this but she is an adult and we obviously have no control over her bank acct.

[wendydarling]

Hi Iscream

We have done so much research in the past week that I feel like I’m back in university!  I wish I had heard of BPD 4 years ago! 

So very true, just like being back in uni, I'm in my third year so far. The more we learn the better we do, so keep at, it'll pay off. Impulsive spending can be a problem I'm sorry to hear your daughter is struggling with this, you can't control her back account. Has she offered to do better and keep with a forward arrangement?

Got my fingers crossed for you, hope your talk today goes well.

WDx