Hello

[CamoAlways]

  I'm not sure where to start... hmm...
I suspect that my daughter who is in her mid thirties has BPD.  She's seeing a therapist and the therapist is aware of my suspicions but, my daughter is not. 

More recently it seems so much more urgent that she gets help because she has a 1 yr old.

I want to confront my daughter, but her boyfriend has asked me to wait and give the therapist a little more time, so I will respect his wishes. 

I know it's not her fault that she's this way, but I just need a little time without her controling, manipulating and being verbally abusive to me.

By the way.  I think my Father is BPD also.

I wish I didn't have a need to be here, but since I do, I'm very grateful that this forum exists.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

hi CamoAlways and

im sorry to hear about the circumstances that have brought you here, but i am glad you found us. you are among people who get it, and i think youll find the lessons and tools to the right of the board invaluable in coping, navigating the difficult times with your daughter, and the ways in which you can best support her.

how long have you suspected BPD? it definitely helps that shes seeing a therapist, do you know what sort of therapy, like CBT, DBT, that sort of thing?

if youre ready, it will help us better support you if you can tell us a little bit more about your daughter, your relationship, and the primary conflict between the two of you.

[CamoAlways]

*I am taking the liberty of referring to my daughter as BPD Daughter, even though she doesn't have an official dx. 
Right now she's just doing talk therapy with her boyfriend.  So, it's couples counseling.  I made an appointment with the same therapist and told her as much as I could in an hour and that I had read stop walking on eggshells and I thought it sounded like my daughter, after talking with her, she agreed with my suspicions, but naturally she couldn't dx her without more time with my D. (the therapist couldn't tell me anything that went on in D's sessions of course)  On the second appt. the therapist told me she couldn't see me because it would be a conflict of interest.  I understand what her concerns are.  She assured me that she has dealt with many BPD in her career.  Now I need to find a therapist that can help me to better deal with my D.

The biggest issue right now is, ever since she's had her baby, she controls every thing about the baby and the baby's father has no say so.  When my D and her BF met, he had a daughter that he had custody of, she was 11 at the time.  At first my D loved her and wanted to adopt her, thinking she couldn't had children.  When she got pregnant, she started shoving the BF's D to the side and finding fault in everything she did.  My D is very controlling and always has been, but this was over the top and it was and is awful.  Recently BF's D has moved out and went to stay with her Grandmother.  My D is also mean to BF's 70 year old Mother.  She has succeeded in driving a wedge in between BF and his family, including his D. 

My D's family doctor prescribed anti-depressants for my D, but since she's nursing, she won't take them and now that the baby (my grandchild) is 13 months old, she could stop nursing, but she won't.  I agree that my GD (granddaughter) enjoys nursing, but it's time to stop so she can start taking an anti depressant.  Her family doc told  her that she could take them while nursing, but she refuses. 

The two people that she regularly treats with total disregard for our feelings is myself and her boyfriend.  Like I said, she's succeeded in driving away his family, so they aren't her "targets" right now.  She has been able to hold  a job and before she met her BF she had a good job and she owns her home (actually the bank does until the mortgage is paid) so I do feel fortunate that she's been able to accomplish that. 

She's been married twice before and they were both total nightmares.  Always fighting and it's the same way now with her BF, except that once I told him that I think she has BPD, he has started having the patience of a saint.  My heart breaks for him, his daughter and mother.  He's trying so hard to just pacify her until the therapist confronts my D and she can start receiving treatment.  I've told him this is a life long process, but he is dedicated to hanging in there with her. Believe me, I am not trying to run him off, I just don't want him to think that there's a magic pill for this. 

I swear my D has been a challenge from the time she was born and I have had to counselors, therapist, psychiatrists, etc.  When she was younger and lived at home, she would tear the house apart on a daily basis.  She was always physically abusive with her siblings.  My youngest daughter recently had surgery to repair her nose from when my BPD-D broke her nose when she was younger.  Despite all of this, my younger daughter and son love their sister very much.  Although my son avoids any contact with her, except family gatherings. When he's with her, he treats her well and he does love her. My younger daughter on the other hand is God Mother to my BPD's D and does spend time with her.  (younger daughter has a degree in psychology)  We all adore the baby!  As i mentioned in my initial post, I suspect my Father is BPD as well, but he had a stroke a few years ago and it had totally changed his personality.  He always doted on my BPD daughter, she even lived with my parents for a few years.  Until he had his stroke, he would do anything in the world for her and then complain about it, but turn right around and sign his name on the dotted line to sign up for more frustration.  My parent's home is being used as collateral right now for my BPD's house!    My father was actually working in my BPD's Daughter's bathroom when he had his stroke.   She about drove him crazy, but he couldn't do enough for her. 

I know I sound very matter of fact about all of this... .trust me, there have been many tears and anguish over the years. It's only been just over a month that I found the book, stop walking on eggshells and had the AH HA moment, so it's all still very new to me.  Every time I start reading about it though my heart breaks.  I've been doing everything wrong all of these years.  I love my daughter with all of my heart.  She's bright, beautiful and a wonderful Mother to my GD, although I fear as my GD gets older that will be another source of trouble.  Right now the baby is her whole world and  I do mean her WHOLE WORLD. 

I could  go on and on... .as I'm sure you're all aware.  I have so much to learn. 

My heart goes out to everyone here and I share your grief.  Thank You for letting me a part of this community. 

[CamoAlways]

What should I look for in a therapist for myself?
What do the parent's here find most helpful in communicating with their BPD child?
How do I help others to deal with my Daughter?
How can I help my GD going forward and the D of BF?
What kinds of medicines are your BPD children on? 
Which kind of therapy helped the most?

Thank You for any responses! 

[once removed]

so it sounds like shes pretty resistant to change, or maybe more specifically, building up her mental health. ive known some people like that in my life, and its very frustrating. it often made me want to push harder.

so its a great development that shes in couples counseling with her boyfriend. it could be a good stepping stone. id agree that its wise not to rock the boat until you see how that goes.

additionally, you might want to encourage her boyfriend to learn the tools and lessons on the Bettering board. i cant stress enough how loved ones learning the tools here can really increase the peace in their lives, and make things more manageable.

something you may want to look into, and one of my favorite resources here, is the karpman drama triangle. in short, there is good and bad triangulation. as a family, you all have an opportunity to be on the same page, support each other, and support your daughter; it can be tricky navigating not to fall into the role of Persecutor, or Victim. more here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

What should I look for in a therapist for myself?

personally, i would look for someone who is well versed in BPD, who can provide you understanding, tools to cope, but will also challenge you. so many of us had both learning and unlearning to do.

What do the parent's here find most helpful in communicating with their BPD child?

we have a whole host of communication tools here, like SET (support, empathy, truth), validating the valid (and not being invalidating), Listening with Empathy, all of them are to the right in the lessons under TOOLS. it was easiest for me to start with learning not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain)... .it translated neatly into the others. i also like BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, firm), and a lot of members are fans of DEARMAN. we can help you with, and explain more, about all of these.

How do I help others to deal with my Daughter?

this one may depend on whom. likely, the answers will get clearer as you learn.

[Turkish]

Can you ask her T for a referral?

[zachira]

[What should I look for in a therapist for myself?
What do the parent's here find most helpful in communicating with their BPD child?
How do I help others to deal with my Daughter?
How can I help my GD going forward and the D of BF?
What kinds of medicines are your BPD children on?
Which kind of therapy helped the most?]

In response to your questions about therapy, I will do my best to give you my input, though there are some questions I will leave others to answer.
First of all you are the expert on who is the best therapist for you, and there will not be one therapist who can do everything or who will be the best therapist forever as needs and times change.
As far as a therapist for yourself, I would try to find someone who can help you stay calm and present under the worst kinds of stress, and who understands how stressful it can be to deal with a child with BPD.
Every one of us is human, and under the worst circumstances, we can lose our cool, and there is probably no situation more challenging than dealing with a child with BPD. The key is to model the best and most effective kind of behaviors for dealing with BPD behaviors in front of your grandchild who unfortunately will have to learn how to respond to her mother's behaviors in ways that protect the child as much as possible from harm and feeling unsafe. Spend as much quality time as you can with your granddaughter, especially time with just the two of you, as this will help her to develop self confidence and be stronger in dealing with the effects of her mother's invalidating behaviors. With time, you will learn how and who you can explain the behaviors of your daughter to.
Be patient, and keep up the good work of doing everything you can to protect and love your grandchild and daughter. We are here to listen, and support you in your challenges and heartbreak with your daughter's behaviors that so negatively affect those around her, especially your grandchild.