She’s probably slept with 4-5 guys by now

[Shawnlam]

I kinda feel stupid today ... .here I am feeling like this whole thing is my fault and I’m sitting around waiting/hoping she reaches out to me ... .and the “ for What” conversation kicks in between my heart and brain? All my brain is saying is “dude she’s probably slept with 4-5 guys by now what the hell so you want that back for so she can drive you insane again”? And then my heart is saying , it be nice to have her back she’s a sweetheart when around you ?

All in all I’m radio silent but at the same time today’s emotions are saying: shawn man up and move on what the heck are you waiting around for like an idiot, she’s got zero to offer you except the occasional affection and BS texting of I love you miss you which is all BS anyways ? Are you retarded  ? Pull the dangling bandaid off and move on... .anyways I posted this here instead of drinking or texting her ,feels better

[Skip]

anyways I posted this here instead of drinking or texting her, feels better... .

Progress.

It's not likely she left the abortion clinic for a gang bang.

Manning up is staying cool.

Are you willing to invest 2 months in this? That's probably what it is going to take.

[zachira]

It is so hard to stop obsessing about a woman who probably gave you the best sex and admiration you have ever had in your life, and you feel like you may never again find someone like her. You seem very aware of the fact that many borderline women eventually move on to getting a new fix from other men who will in the beginning be just as taken as you were and sometimes continue to be, by her ability to mesmerize men into thinking they are in seventh heaven and have found the love of their life.
What may help with the obsessing is to attach names to the feelings that are coming up when you think about her, and to quietly sit with these feelings for 30-40 minutes until the uncomfortable feelings dissipate. No uncomfortable feeling can hang forever if it is consciously felt and processed.
When you are feeling stupid, please remember that I like many others on this site admire your courage and determination to look at what is so distressing and painful and to do better next time. Post anytime you feel the need to, and we will listen. Please let us know what is helpful, and how we can best support you in your journey. Take care!

[once removed]

I posted this here instead of drinking or texting her ,feels better

a wise move.

some of this is to be expected. when we are anxious, we think all kinds of things. and if we arent careful, we can rationalize it, and act on it, in order to alleviate the anxiety.

i think youll find if you continue to get some support in keeping it in check, reality test some of whats going through your mind, and can ride it out, it will make you a better adjusted person for the rest of your life.

its friday. got any plans? if not, i might make some, try to get your mind elsewhere.

[Shawnlam]

Thank you,honestly just saying it here VS drinking or worse texting , is enough support to be honest .As for investing two months honestly I was planning to stay single anyways the whole summer just to rest   matter and emotions .So if staying radio silent for two months is what’s required it’s not a problem,probably do me some good.Im thinking about buying another project car to work on just to change my thoughts to the good old days of doing what I wanted for myself.

[Shawnlam]

Yeah this weekend I’m going motorcycling with the boys ,probably shop around for a project car ,right now I’m sitting in the airport in North Carolina waiting for my plane so I was just watching couples walk by,and posted my original post .

[AskingWhy]

Detaching and stepping back are great ways to deal with dysregulation.

IMO, you get to the point where your self-esteem will no longer tolerate the abuse and games from pwBPD.

You understand the dynamic at play here.  That does not make the pain any less tolerable, but at least you know it's not anything you did to make her do this.  It's all on her:  trying to fill up her emptiness with relationships.  Very typical of BPDs.

Dangling Band-Aid is a great metaphor.  I love it!

After being jerked about in a BPD relationship for so long, I feel embarrassed that I tolerated so much from my uBPD/uNPD H.

Take care.  

[babyducks]

the human brain,   all human brains,   are hard wired to try and make sense of confusion.   when faced with the confusion of daily life or the unique and difficult confusion generated by serious mental illness our brains will try and fill in the blanks.   to make a coherent picture out of fragmented parts.

All my brain is saying is “dude she’s probably slept with 4-5 guys by now what the hell so you want that back for so she can drive you insane again”? And then my heart is saying , it be nice to have her back she’s a sweetheart when around you ?

I can definitely see why you would be having this internal dialogue, trying to make sense of things and create a concrete path forward.   holding conflicting inner truths is hard to do.

I find I agree with Skip here, it's unlikely, both physically and emotionally.

[Shawnlam]

Well I deleted her as a contact today ,and since I never knew her number by heart if she never texts me again I’ll never speak to her again.Its sorta of a test for me actually, if she truely only cares about herself I’ll never hear from her again,as for me I can’t text her even if I wanted to do it solves that problem

[Skip]

... .if she truely only cares about herself I’ll never hear from her again... .

Well, it's a lot better than chasing or lashing out at her today  

And its a recoverable action... .

And we can talk about it and it doesn't set you back in the relationship or make matters worse.

So, progress.

I'm going to say this to help you see what has been happening since December... . fear of abandonment - which I often explain is fear of vulnerability. This fear is so great in you because you really want this relation and because losing it is an unthinkable loss for you.

But here is the thing.  The most important word in the sentence "fear of loss" is the word fear.

The fear is so significant, that avoiding the fear becomes the driving factor and more important than avoiding the loss or the abandonment.  It seems easier/safer to defile the loss (she is a freak). It's a lot easier paint her black than to live in the fear of losing her.

Think about that.

It's a weak mans game, because sooner or later you realize that painting someone black is just an attempt to deceive yourself to hide from your own emotions.

Strength is living with a certain amount of fear and defeating "fear of abandonment". If your can defeat this, you will be a much stronger person.

Uncertainty isn't loss. Uncertainty is only potential loss. We don't want to fear the loss so much that avoiding the fear becomes more valuable than avoiding the loss.

That is where you have been for weeks.

This is a complicated thing to wrap our hands around.

[Shawnlam]

I know pretty much that I hate being vulnerable more than most,and so does my therapist.In all my other relationships it was there but I easily coped with it ,hell they never even knew I felt it to be honest.The fair sized difference with Marie-xxxx was the deception... .probably too strong of a word there ,maybe puppet show would be better.I have an easy time with woman given I usually don’t care about pleasing them .What I mean by that is I don’t go “out of my way” to do it .When I’m nice to them and do them a favor or just go out with them I never “want anything in return” mainly because I don’t care to get Super involved I just go about doing my own thing 99% of the time.Even in past relationships we would hang out ,do stuff together,vacations and what not but just to have fun ,I wanted nothing in return and never expected it ... .now that I think of it I’m like that with most ppl in my life woman,men ,family ,friends .

I think where I went wrong with Marie-cxxx was I let myself get caught up into the whole “soulmate” “ let’s live together “” have a kid” stuff which honestly I never ever do or have done .Then the added falling in love with her didn’t help my judgements or reactions .She was an excellent charmer ,made me feel like a king,took me right out my comfort zone .Then bam , she switched her game as per what a lot of BPD people do ,but I got mad and obviously I was already clingy given I thought she was my soulmate and tada the volcano exploded.If I’d of known she has BPD back then I’d never have gotten clingy or mad I could have stepped back and said “ok bud what is she thinking right now,why she change her mind,why is she anxious and sad right now,what’s going on and how do you make her feel comfortable again with you?give her the space she needs etc etc”.But sadly I did the complete opposite,I remember by buddies telling me what the heck is wrong with her ,my parents same thing,hell even my ex gf was like “she’s crazy run”.But instead I tried to correct her,read her, explain to her ,all huge mistakes .

I sometimes wonder to myself “shawn good thing you did get mad and clingy even though it’s outside your natural ways “  can you imagine let’s say I didn’t as an example.Now trust me I’d rather be back to my old self with some extra tools like being more empathetic,a much better
Listener ,a wiser mind less logic .BUT let’s go back to the let’s say I didn’t get angry/clingy back in December where I’d be today? My best guess based off what I learnt here ,I’d be in deep deep trouble . Most likely a kid to raise without the family atmosphere.Probably a house for sale or soon to be ,boat loads of money spend , huge alamony payment given my salary ,and way way more destroyed than now.

So in summary of who I am now ,yeah I’m still angry but getting slowly less and less.Im bitter and sad yes&yes .I still feel stupid and have less confidence but it’s coming back and yes I feel cheated.Lots of “I’s” in there I know ,but it’s the truth.Like everyone here I so wished she would understand what I had to offer,what a good life she could of had.

For her I feel love,compassion,pity but I understand why she’s gone.A normal woman would not have gone off on the marriage,soulmate,child speech in 4 months ,and a normal man wouldn’t of followed.Im trying my best now with therapy,self teaching and taking pointers and ideas from here to correct my weaknesses and readjust back to normal.Its sad to say however she may not be fixing herself and it saddens me to know she didn't come out of this with more knowledge on herself.She is doomed to repeat her mistakes until the end of her time .After 2 kids and 3 abortions all different ppl you’d figure something would come of this but there’s my logic mind trying to think for her a bad bad habit.

I’m seriously going to miss her in my life,5yr,7months wiped away because of a damn disorder called borderline.I love that little woman and I harmed her without ever realizing it until it was too late.And imagine I’ll never even be able to apologize for it ,because even if I did she wouldn’t know what I was talking about.To not be able to say goodbye to someone from the heart really feels like your physical heart will break in two.

[babyducks]

Shawnlam

So in summary of who I am now ,yeah I’m still angry but getting slowly less and less.Im bitter and sad yes&yes .I still feel stupid and have less confidence but it’s coming back and yes I feel cheated.

It's very normal, very natural to feel a lot of acute conflicting emotions after a relationship of this nature.   We all did.    High conflict relationship like this tend to open old wounds.

Having a bunch of strong difficult emotions is normal.   Still you don't want your emotions to run you around in circles like a circus pony.

Feelings are neither good or bad.   They just are.    Making good choices about those feelings is a skill.    Something that can be learned.     It takes a while.    It's not easy.

Hang in there.

[Shawnlam]

I think I figured out what Skip meant by “this is gonna take a couple months”.Its not about her coming back or reaching out to me,it’s about me letting her go I’m pretty sure that’s what he was walking about.I think my first step on removing my ability to speak to her is a good start.

[Skip]

I think I figured out what Skip meant by “this is gonna take a couple months”.Its not about her coming back or reaching out to me,it’s about me letting her go... .

I think its good to try to read people more and to do that with members here as babyducks suggested.

 

You are right about the part that says "for this relationship to get on a stronger upswing it will take time to overcome the destructive chemistry of Mr. Clingy/Brute and  Ms passive aggressive.

The question is whether both of you 1) overcome your vulnerability and open up to be able to trust each other and 2) change your style, on your own.

Time is needed because neither of you is going to suddenly forget all of what happened and jump back in with trust and a fresh attitude. It will take some delicate dancing and finesse for each of you to feel that something good is possible.

It may fail. There is no question about that. You both are, however, seemingly willing to try. But it is hard.

Shawn, do you see how wounded and shutdown and mistrusting unwilling to change that you are?

Have empathy! She has a bigger wound, more mistrust, and is also shutdown.

Hockey image: tied game, 4 minutes left, the opposing team has a 2 minute powerplay... .who are you... .



  The team that stays steady, doesn't panic, doesn't fluster, stays focused and in the game?

  The team that is defeated and loses by 2.

What does it mean in this "game" to stay steady, doesn't panic, doesn't fluster, stay focused?