Struggling to detach: how do I end our relationship properly?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there, I've been with my BPD wife for almost 19 years, married for almost 15, and we have an amazing 13 year old daughter together.  She has only recently been diagnosed with Emotional Dysregulation and Cluster B personality traits after a particularly nasty meltdown/episode/incident a couple of months ago where she verbally and emotionally abused our daughter to the point of making her feel suicidal, completely trashed the house and ended up chasing and ramming the car I was in multiple times with her car (luckily no one was hurt or killed).  
She was arrested and bailed for all of this, but was not allowed to return home or contact me for 3 weeks.  This period apart gave my daughter and I some time and space to reflect on our relationships, and as hard as it was, my daughter decided that she no longer wanted a relationship with Mum.  She has witnessed a lot of domestic violence and abuse (by my wife towards me) in the past few years.  We requested a restraining order but this was not granted by the court at her sentencing.  Since then, I have been trying to give her a chance to prove herself, work on herself and our relationship but I feel like things are not getting better at all.  My daughter and I are currently living with relatives so Mum could come home, but the time we do spend together is either very tense, full on raging arguments (no further violence yet), or a few periods of blissful 'normality'.  She has also attempted suicide once since being home again (ending up in hospital but was released the same day), but I feel like her behaviour is disintegrating and I need to end our relationship properly, both for her sake (so I'm not 'stringing her along' and for my own mental health.
Any thoughts or advice gratefully received!

[dorset_blue]

Hi there, I've been with my BPD wife for almost 19 years, married for almost 15, and we have an amazing 13 year old daughter together.  She has only recently been diagnosed with Emotional Dysregulation and Cluster B personality traits after a particularly nasty meltdown/episode/incident a couple of months ago where she verbally and emotionally abused our daughter to the point of making her feel suicidal, completely trashed the house and ended up chasing and ramming the car I was in multiple times with her car (luckily no one was hurt or killed).  
She was arrested and bailed for all of this, but was not allowed to return home or contact me for 3 weeks.  This period apart gave my daughter and I some time and space to reflect on our relationships, and as hard as it was, my daughter decided that she no longer wanted a relationship with Mum.  She has witnessed a lot of domestic violence and abuse (by my wife towards me) in the past few years.  We requested a restraining order but this was not granted by the court at her sentencing.  Since then, I have been trying to give her a chance to prove herself, work on herself and our relationship but I feel like things are not getting better at all.  My daughter and I are currently living with relatives so Mum could come home, but the time we do spend together is either very tense, full on raging arguments (no further violence yet), or a few periods of blissful 'normality'.  She has also attempted suicide once since being home again (ending up in hospital but was released the same day), but I feel like her behaviour is disintegrating and I need to end our relationship properly, both for her sake (so I'm not 'stringing her along' and for my own mental health.
Any thoughts or advice gratefully received!

[pearlsw]

Hi dorset_blue,

I've read your post a few times and I just want to say I am deeply sorry that you and your daughter experienced such frightening things!

You say you are not under the same roof? You know I was just scouring the site the other day looking if there were any instructions related to breakups. I didn't find any, but perhaps there are some? If so, if anyone knows, please let us know!

My instincts say that your distance should help. You are living elsewhere, she is at your home. You are married so if this is forever, if you have a divorce in mind... .well, do you have a lawyer lined up yet?

There is also a Family Law, Custody, Co Parenting, and Divorce board that you might want to look at for dealing with the legal side of things. At the least you can join the community and ongoing discussions there!

How is your mental health holding up?

with compassion, pearl.

p.s. I hope other members will join us here and share with us their insights and lend support!

[MrRight]

Hi there, I've been with my BPD wife for almost 19 years, married for almost 15, and we have an amazing 13 year old daughter together.  She has only recently been diagnosed with Emotional Dysregulation and Cluster B personality traits after a particularly nasty meltdown/episode/incident a couple of months ago where she verbally and emotionally abused our daughter to the point of making her feel suicidal, completely trashed the house and ended up chasing and ramming the car I was in multiple times with her car (luckily no one was hurt or killed).  
She was arrested and bailed for all of this, but was not allowed to return home or contact me for 3 weeks.  This period apart gave my daughter and I some time and space to reflect on our relationships, and as hard as it was, my daughter decided that she no longer wanted a relationship with Mum.  She has witnessed a lot of domestic violence and abuse (by my wife towards me) in the past few years.  We requested a restraining order but this was not granted by the court at her sentencing.  Since then, I have been trying to give her a chance to prove herself, work on herself and our relationship but I feel like things are not getting better at all.  My daughter and I are currently living with relatives so Mum could come home, but the time we do spend together is either very tense, full on raging arguments (no further violence yet), or a few periods of blissful 'normality'.  She has also attempted suicide once since being home again (ending up in hospital but was released the same day), but I feel like her behaviour is disintegrating and I need to end our relationship properly, both for her sake (so I'm not 'stringing her along' and for my own mental health.
Any thoughts or advice gratefully received!

hello dorsetblue

my scenario is not too different. Though mine cant drive she is capable of doing some extreme things.

Can I ask in the event that you move forward with divorce proceedings - do you think your wife would do the reasonable thing and move out of the family home so that you and your daughter can move home. It cant be easy living with relatives in the mid to long term. If she decides not to co-operate with this do you have any idea what you will do?

and can I ask if social services are involved. It might help your case if they were - I am thinking about custody matters.

all the best

MrRight

[dorset_blue]

Hi dorset_blue,

I've read your post a few times and I just want to say I am deeply sorry that you and your daughter experienced such frightening things!

You say you are not under the same roof? You know I was just scouring the site the other day looking if there were any instructions related to breakups. I didn't find any, but perhaps there are some? If so, if anyone knows, please let us know!

My instincts say that your distance should help. You are living elsewhere, she is at your home. You are married so if this is forever, if you have a divorce in mind... .well, do you have a lawyer lined up yet?

There is also a Family Law, Custody, Co Parenting, and Divorce board that you might want to look at for dealing with the legal side of things. At the least you can join the community and ongoing discussions there!

How is your mental health holding up?

with compassion, pearl.

p.s. I hope other members will join us here and share with us their insights and lend support!

Hi pearlsw, thanks for the reply. 
Correct, we are staying with relatives, my wife's dad and step-mum actually, and they are super-supportive and helpful.  I have stayed over with my wife a few nights, and I do return to the house as I work from home so have to go back there to work.  Mostly my wife has allowed me to get on with my work which is good, but she resents me having to leave and spend time with our daughter. 

Distance has helped, as has the support and advice of the various social services workers, domestic abuse advocates and mental health professionals I've been in contact with.  No lawyer/solicitor lined up, that is a big scary thought right now to be honest, when I am just trying to concentrate on sorting things out in the very short term.

Thanks for the link, I'll check it out.

My mental health has suffered, I've been assessed as having moderate-to-high depression and extremely high levels of anxiety, but I have been getting support from the community mental health team, and now also from social services, a local domestic abuse charity and also the domestic abuse advocacy section of the police, so that is getting better.  It has been suggested that I need some therapy myself as it's likely I have PTSD or similar.

Thanks again.

[dorset_blue]

hello dorsetblue

my scenario is not too different. Though mine cant drive she is capable of doing some extreme things.

Can I ask in the event that you move forward with divorce proceedings - do you think your wife would do the reasonable thing and move out of the family home so that you and your daughter can move home. It cant be easy living with relatives in the mid to long term. If she decides not to co-operate with this do you have any idea what you will do?

and can I ask if social services are involved. It might help your case if they were - I am thinking about custody matters.

all the best

MrRight

Hello MrRight, thanks for the reply, but I'm sorry to hear you are going through a similar situation.

To be honest, both my daughter and I are looking forward to a fresh start and have found somewhere new to live, which we'll hopefully be moving to in a couple of weeks, so my wife would not have to move out of our current house.  It will be tough paying two lots of rent etc, but it will be affordable in the short term. 

Social services were involved initially after the incident, and assessed that the situation was ok then (when my wife was bailed and not allowed to return home).  Since then, with everything changing day-to-day and all the other stuff that has happened, they have now been looking at our case again, in discussion and collaboration with the mental health team, probation team, domestic abuse team.  I think that the reality of our situation will force things to a head before the bureaucracy wheels have time to turn so I'm hopeful I can talk to some people tomorrow to see what can be done to manage a 'graceful exit' quickly.  In the meantime, I'm walking the line in trying to keep my wife calm enough for now, without giving in to her more extreme demands.

FWIW, custody will not be an issue, my daughter does not want anything to do with my wife, and I think that my wife will not force that at all.  She has threatened that if we were to 'leave' her, she would cut all ties completely, and go off and find someone new straight away and start a new family with them.  I know that's the BPD talking but it's still hurtful, especially to my daughter. 

Thanks again for your reply.

[dorset_blue]

Oh yes, and I should add that she now has an official diagnosis of EUPD/BPD (which I completely agree with), and a suspected diagnosis of Body Dysmorphic Disorder to go along with that (but I am sceptical of that myself).

[MrRight]

Hello MrRight, thanks for the reply, but I'm sorry to hear you are going through a similar situation.

To be honest, both my daughter and I are looking forward to a fresh start and have found somewhere new to live, which we'll hopefully be moving to in a couple of weeks, so my wife would not have to move out of our current house.  It will be tough paying two lots of rent etc, but it will be affordable in the short term. 

Social services were involved initially after the incident, and assessed that the situation was ok then (when my wife was bailed and not allowed to return home).  Since then, with everything changing day-to-day and all the other stuff that has happened, they have now been looking at our case again, in discussion and collaboration with the mental health team, probation team, domestic abuse team.  I think that the reality of our situation will force things to a head before the bureaucracy wheels have time to turn so I'm hopeful I can talk to some people tomorrow to see what can be done to manage a 'graceful exit' quickly.  In the meantime, I'm walking the line in trying to keep my wife calm enough for now, without giving in to her more extreme demands.

FWIW, custody will not be an issue, my daughter does not want anything to do with my wife, and I think that my wife will not force that at all.  She has threatened that if we were to 'leave' her, she would cut all ties completely, and go off and find someone new straight away and start a new family with them.  I know that's the BPD talking but it's still hurtful, especially to my daughter. 

Thanks again for your reply.

It sounds like things are working out. And if the property your wife is living in is rented - you can simply hand in your notice. It would be more difficult if the house was on a mortgage.
In a way - your wife's criminal behavior has brought this to a head where you can hopefully move on as the police are involved. I wish I had known about BPD when my wife was  arrested many years ago - I would have asked them to get her assessed. As it is she is undiagnosed. There was a moment at the child protection conference when her mental health was brought up but nobody present thought she needed an assessment.
Well good luck and hope it works out - dont do as I did and allow her to crawl back into your life.