Wow... everything makes sense now.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Married 14 years. The whole thing has been a roller coaster. We've had good times, and bad times. But I could never understand why when she was upset, our whole past was painted with the most broad brush as awful.

Everything wrong was my fault. I was either a hero, or a villain. And I was left confused and wondering what I did wrong. I'd try to fix. Try to appease. I'd settle for the scraps of affection that she'd show me once in a while.

I've certainly got my flaws. I was addicted to her affection. It was like a drug... .I was addicted to oxytocin I guess. And dopamine from sex. I couldn't take care of my own feelings and became addicted to how she made me feel. This only fueled her rage. It made her the Queen, me her subject, and she resented me for it.

But it all makes sense now. Her sisters and her mom, they all have the same pattern. The victim mentality, the "all or nothing", "all good or all bad", they can make you feel like you're the awesomest person in the world, and then the next day you're the source of all that is evil in the world.

All that to say - we are getting divorced. And it hurts like hell. But learning that my wife likely suffers from BPD helps put the past into perspective and show me that although I played my part, I am not an awful person. I really did love her and try the best I knew how. We've got 3 kids. And I don't want her to pass on this disorder to them as her mom seems to have passed it to her.

Can anyone relate?

[CluelessNomore]

Married 14 years. The whole thing has been a roller coaster. We've had good times, and bad times. But I could never understand why when she was upset, our whole past was painted with the most broad brush as awful.

Everything wrong was my fault. I was either a hero, or a villain. And I was left confused and wondering what I did wrong. I'd try to fix. Try to appease. I'd settle for the scraps of affection that she'd show me once in a while.

I've certainly got my flaws. I was addicted to her affection. It was like a drug... .I was addicted to oxytocin I guess. And dopamine from sex. I couldn't take care of my own feelings and became addicted to how she made me feel. This only fueled her rage. It made her the Queen, me her subject, and she resented me for it.

But it all makes sense now. Her sisters and her mom, they all have the same pattern. The victim mentality, the "all or nothing", "all good or all bad", they can make you feel like you're the awesomest person in the world, and then the next day you're the source of all that is evil in the world.

All that to say - we are getting divorced. And it hurts like hell. But learning that my wife likely suffers from BPD helps put the past into perspective and show me that although I played my part, I am not an awful person. I really did love her and try the best I knew how. We've got 3 kids. And I don't want her to pass on this disorder to them as her mom seems to have passed it to her.

Can anyone relate?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Clueless, Welcome!  Your story is quite familiar and I'm sorry to hear that you are in the process of divorce, with three children involved.  I was once in your shoes, my friend, so I can relate.  How did you find out about BPD, which is largely under the radar for most folks?  It's pretty common to be blamed by a pwBPD, because they are loathe to take responsibility for their own actions and prefer to shift the blame to the Non's plate.  What are you doing to take care of yourself these days?  You are likely to face rough seas ahead.  Let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[pearlsw]

Hi CluelessNomore,

Oh my! Is this divorce something you welcome? Did you initiate it? Is it a mutual decision? How old are the kids may I ask?

Divorcing a person with these issues can be as difficult as being married to them. There are books on this topic!  Are you prepared for a potentially high-conflict divorce? I imagine there could be a long road ahead!

with compassion, pearl.

[CluelessNomore]

Hey Clueless, Welcome!  Your story is quite familiar and I'm sorry to hear that you are in the process of divorce, with three children involved.  I was once in your shoes, my friend, so I can relate.  How did you find out about BPD, which is largely under the radar for most folks?  It's pretty common to be blamed by a pwBPD, because they are loathe to take responsibility for their own actions and prefer to shift the blame to the Non's plate.  What are you doing to take care of yourself these days?  You are likely to face rough seas ahead.  Let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

Thanks, Jim. Hear about it from an online therapist talking about his ex-wife and how things in that marriage were never good enough. That he was never good enough. He then said that it turns out this this ex-wife had BPD, so I looked into it, and the lightbulbs went off. My wife, her mom, her sisters. They are all the same.

Don't get me wrong, she's a good mother, and I think we can get through this amicably. But even sessions with the mediator... .man. I just gotta grow some thick skin. I'm taking care of myself by lifting weights and growing friendships with some good guy friends. I know it's gonna get harder before it gets easier.

[CluelessNomore]

Hi CluelessNomore,

Oh my! Is this divorce something you welcome? Did you initiate it? Is it a mutual decision? How old are the kids may I ask?

Divorcing a person with these issues can be as difficult as being married to them. There are books on this topic!  Are you prepared for a potentially high-conflict divorce? I imagine there could be a long road ahead!

with compassion, pearl.

Thank you, Pearl. She initiated. Some stuff from our past that she forgave me for... .multiple times... .one day she decides she can't move past it. Oh well. Being apart my life has definitely been WAY less stressful. The walking on eggshells feeling is gone. Oldest kid is 14, youngest is 6. We are honest and upfront with them.

I know it's gonna be hard. I hope it's not high-conflict. As long as I don't react emotionally, we should be able to avoid most of the conflict no matter how upset she gets. Our mediator is good at tempering emotions.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi CNM,

If you're not already posting on the Family law, custody and co parenting board then I'd encourage you to, as there is also great support there for your situation.  There is an excellent fact sheet available on that board too about high conflict legal proceedings.  I found it really helpful when going through family court myself.  Keep us posted on how you're doing and expect situations to change frequently, but then I'm sure you're already familiar with that.  I hope that you are able to come to agreements that put the best interests of the children first.  Your influence as a stable positive factor in their lives is going to be important.  What are you aiming for as an arrangement?

I'd also advise you to regularly post here and involve yourself in other threads, as I found that I sort of went into auto pilot during the court case and it meant that I had things I wasn't addressing that were affecting me.  Everything became suppressed in order to focus on 'the business at hand' which is the only way I knew how to get through.  I had significant trauma that I wasn't dealing with.  Give yourself space to grieve the loss and to vent here as much as you find helpful.  We're listening. 

Love and light x