Barely coping

[Hyacinth Bucket]

This isn't even so much about my daughter. It's just life and apparently I'm much worse at self care than I thought because I had a total meltdown today. Maybe I've just hit my breaking point.

DD is doing the best she has done, which is itself terrifying because her life is still a train wreck. She has a loose tooth because her hygiene is so bad she has serious gum disease at 21. The drugs and smoking don't help either but she can go weeks without brushing her teeth... .Which... .She's a stripper?

My husband has complex PTSD from his horrific childhood. We have had a few very difficult years, heavily exacerbated by what we've gone through with our daughter. Now that she is relatively stable I realized that things are really not well in our marriage. And have not been for a long time. He has not treated his mental illness properly and he shuts down completely and barely interacts with me.

I also have diagnosed OCD so the three of us together are a real party... .

I drew a more serious line with my husband today than I ever have. He certainly took notice so I am a little hopeful. I have to get better at self care. My daughter is trying very hard but she needs so much support emotionally and still won't get a therapist. Some days I spend two hours on the phone with her, which I only do if she is calm and reasonable. It's still a lot to handle. I am an extreme empath so it is very hard for me to detach properly when I spend that much time talking to her.

DD is also drinking heavily now that she's 21. She had in the past to but it wasn't so visible to me. She self medicates with it and readily admits it. As bad as this sounds the drinking is an improvement over other drugs and she can't drive so I am less concerned about that as her general inability to care for herself. Her apt is infested with cockroaches, there is trash everywhere, she broke a glass and never cleaned it up and naturally cut her foot on it. It's the stuff of nightmares.

I'm going to ask my therapist to start giving me self care homework or I don't think I'll actually do it

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Oh, HB, I can feel your stress coming right off the page... .    You must be absolutely exhausted.  Even though you say your daughter is doing the best she has done, there are still so many (justified!) worries for you ... .drinking, personal hygiene, her living conditions... .Oh my gosh, your thoughts must just be a whirlwind at times - I know that's what my brain was like when my daughter was acting similarly to how yours is now.

I understand how talking to her for two hours a day on the phone would be emotionally draining for you... .it is all-consuming to be that involved in someone else's chaotic dramas all of the time... .It sounds like you never really get a break.  I'm so sorry to hear that things are strained between you and your husband right now too... . 

So much to deal with at once.  You have a very big heart, HB, and such a thoughtful introspective.  I noticed that even with all your own things you are dealing with at the moment, you have reached out to help another parent who is in a situation that is similar to what you have experienced... .you are amazing... .

I am so glad that you realize the importance of your own self-care and that you need a little nudge to make sure that you actually follow through.  What an excellent idea to ask your therapist to assign you "self care homework"!  

Thinking of you, HB.  I hope today is a better day. 

    MM

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi MM,

Thank you so much for your sweet note. 

What changed for your daughter? How did she decide to get stable and has she been in therapy?

[MomMae]

What changed for your daughter? How did she decide to get stable and has she been in therapy?

That is an excellent question, HB, but also a hard one to articulate an answer for as I think it was a combination of so many things.  We had been through so much turmoil with her, particularly in the last 18 months before things started to finally turn around about a year ago.  Non-stop lying, job losses, heart-wrenching disappearing acts, homelessness by choice, promiscuous sex, suicide attempts, moving in with a stranger, hospitalizations including a horrible one where she had to be restrained, moving in with a drug addict, moving in with a pothead in his mother's garage, two total write-off at fault car accidents, two pregnancies, contempt for her family... .so much non-stop crisis that I thought I was literally going mad at times.  And this was a girl who had been shy, sweet and a total homebody until adolescence.

The biggest thing that changed in our situation, I think, was me and my reaction.  I found this forum and realized that my reactions, feelings and emotions were in fact normal reactions... .there were others out there going through the same thing and they felt the same way I did!  What a revelation and relief that was, because up until that point all of the "experts" were focused on my daughter and we felt the side-eye of accusation numerous times even though she had truly grown up in a loving, happy and healthy home.  I finally was able to embrace radical acceptance -accepting the diagnosis, accepting the situation, accepting my daughter for who she is, accepting that I was powerless to change anything except my own thoughts and reactions.  And then I got to work learning the lessons and tools on here to try and change my approach with her - particularly poignant was Lesson 2 - If your current approach isn't working, change it.

I think it was lucky for us that at the same time I was working on changing my approach, my daughter was also ready to stop living "crazy and chaotic" ... .it truly is not her nature and must have been exhausting for her.  My change in approach was to do a lot of listening and to change my way of talking to her.  My daughter gets her back up when I offer advice so I found a way of camouflaging advice by changing my phrasing from things like "you should" and "you need to", to softer things like "I don't know if this would work, but ... ." and "I wonder if... ." which was more conducive to back and forth discussion of solutions.  If she balked, I dropped it... yet more often than not, she would find a version of the "advice" and put it into play 

I also broke out of the victim mode and started to take my control back.  I needed to put value on my own life and feelings as much as those of my daughter.  I still find that hard, valuing myself, but not playing the victim comes fairly naturally now.  I actually hated the feeling of it anyway, I felt pathetic and didn't like myself very much... .feeling sorry for myself.  And being the victim just backfired on me anyway... .it seemed to make my daughter angry and apathetic toward me, the opposite of what I wanted to happen.

She was still living in the garage with the pothead loser at the time this was all happening... and dropped the bombshell of the first pregnancy (which ended in a traumatic miscarriage).  Yet because of the change in approach, we were able to (mostly) calmly and rationally work through things.  We wanted her back in town, close to us so we supported her moving back to town into a little apartment with the pothead BF and turned our relationship with him around at the same time.  Believe it or not, a year later, he no longer smokes pot and cigarettes, and he is actually going to college to follow the same career path as my husband! So our change in approach actually ended up helping him as well, and he now actually respects us and is grateful for our influence! 

My dd now 21 has recently started a summer job (her first time working in 18 months) and will be returning to college in the fall as well.  She already graduated as an RPN two years ago (a whole story in itself!), but has pretty much not worked since graduation... .she was working on getting well.

She has not really had any one on one therapy to speak of.  The mental health resources and system in our small town are abysmal. I got her a DBT work book and other resources that she started working with on her own once she was motivated (she is a voracious reader and good at self-study).  She recently completed a group DBT session that she waited almost two years for and we had to continually advocate for as somehow she kept getting dropped from the list... .that's how poor our mental health care is in the area.  She found some of the DBT lessons enlightening, I just worry that now that it is done, it is forgotten.  It really should be ongoing. 

Sorry to babble on, HB, and I don't really know if I answered your question... .  Things are not perfect and I do worry that returning to work and school could be huge triggers for her.  But compared to the dark places we have been, this is fantastic.

That is my daughter's story... .we were very lucky.  She was ready to change and we found this website and implemented changes learned here in ourselves at the same time. 
 

 

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi Mommae,

Thank you so much, that actually gave me a lot of hope. My daughter also made the decision to change but it's still pretty new so it is so nice to see what that might look like in the future.

We are supporting her as we can with her apartment as we just cannot have her living with us. She started stripping again a couple weeks ago so she is trying to help with money. Most of it is going to food and booze right now. But I hope it will keep getting better.

I think I could handle just my daughter or just my husband but not both. It's so overwhelming.

I am hoping my husband is really going to get it together now though. He finally realized I might leave if he doesn't. 

I'm going to try putting some more boundaries in place with my daughter. It helps me a lot if I can turn off my phone for a few hours so I think I'm going to tell her that my therapist said I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown (I haven't talked to my therapist yet but I think I am) and we cane up with things I have to do to take care of myself. I want to be able to tell my daughter I won't be available for several hours and then leave my phone and go do something.

Because of her time in foster care she worries equally about us dying as she does about us leaving her. So if I don't pick up for a while she loses it thinking something terrible has happened. So I think it would help a lot if I warned her it was going to happen and she understands why. I can also use school as an excuse too, I am working on my masters degree (and working).

[Huat]

Hello Hyacinth Bucket.  I am going to jump in here to give you a much needed ((HUG).

I can well remember the times when I felt my life was imploding so I relate to you.  I remember, too, how hard it was to keep our marriage functioning with all that was going on with our daughter.

Just want to say that you have shown the strength within you before... .so it is there to get you through this.  So good that you have this as a sounding board. 

I echo MomMae in prodding you on to look after yourself.  The more you do for yourself, the more empowered you will feel.

Keep posting your way through this.  Ours are not easy lives to live but there is no doubt in my mind that what we have had to face has made us stronger, better people.  I have learned to like the person I am now and I am looking after her.  I wish for you the same.

Huat 

[Good2behere]

Hello Hyacinth Bouquet

I'm glad that you have practiced self-care by coming here and posting about your situation.

Doing that has helped me to stabilize myself at times. I sometimes think our whole extended family is cursed, so it helps me to see that so many other families are dealing with nightmarish situations, and that we haven't been uniquely singled out for heartache and misery. It helps to relieve the social embarrassment and private shame that can come along with all of this.

A problem that I have had is that many times that my diagnosed BPD daughter (dBPDd ?) would do something that brought on trauma, I would have to strategize about how to tell my husband, to soften the blow for him, so that I wouldn't have two dysregulated people on my hands. I would be afraid of both of them.

I hasten to add that neither one have ever become physically abusive, and not even verbally abusive in the common sense. It's more about the energy coming off of them and tone of voice that just goes on an on. Even if no one is yelling, the whole house gets charged up and my nervous system just seems to absorb it all. When that happens, I seem to be the one that can often bring everything down a few levels and soothe and reassure and use non-reactive communication.

But afterwards, maybe even the next day, I feel like someone has jammed my finger into a light socket and then I feel waves of nervousness and tearful shakiness. Although things are much better now, I am still trying to learn ways that I can stop this pattern, and tend to myself much sooner, and even while the crisis is happening. (Imagine that?)

A lot of that has to do with me trying to believe that other people's feelings are not more important than mine. Not less important, but not more.

I hope things will get better for you soon.

G2B

[Daisy123]

Hello HB,
I’m so sorry you’ve had such a bad day. A melt down takes so much energy away. Asking your therapist for self care homework sounds like a great step in that direction of self care.

As for your marriage - I can relate. I, too just set a limit with my husband in our DD’s family session (she is currently in Residential- so he is attending family therapy) I told him that the conflict in our home was dangerous to DD’s recovery and that we had better make some changes at home or I’d be forced to take steps that would include different living quarters. I’d went on to say that DD20 comes first and we all need to do our part to help her heal. BPD takes its toll on everything including our marriages.

Having a child with BPD has got to be so hard on your husband’s mental health issues. I’m sorry he has shut you out. I hope he seeks the help he needs.

Daisy

[Merlot]

hi Hyacinth Bucket

Boy do you have a lot to contend with.   Great that you are here sharing... .it really helps just to talk to others and know you have a voice .  Self care can definitely be easier said than done, especially when you feel that it is out of the frying pan into the fire; just as your daughter stabilizes, there is another issue to confront.

Maybe you're right that it's too much of a stone to turn over atm, maybe it is all just about you and your recovery until you get stronger to deal with what may lay ahead.  What does self care look like for you at the moment?

For me today, it was a nice hot bath just listening to the heavy rain on the tin roof... .and being here.

Go gently Hyacinth Bucket, and I hope tomorrow brings you some sunshine.

Merlot

[wendydarling]

Hi Hyacinth Bucket

Who is on your side, supporting you ~ I think that is an excellent idea to ask your therapist to help you set your self care, help you stay with, on track. Perhaps you can lead a self care thread here may help you and inspire us we'll join  

I wonder about your DD and your 2 hour conversations, is your DD treating you as her therapist? She clearly trusts you, you are her touch stone is positive. Have you considered therapy together to help her transfer to her own treatment, therapy. Yes you are still walking by her side.

She has not really had any one on one therapy to speak of.  The mental health resources and system in our small town are abysmal. I got her a DBT work book and other resources that she started working with on her own once she was motivated (she is a voracious reader and good at self-study).  She recently completed a group DBT session that she waited almost two years for and we had to continually advocate for as somehow she kept getting dropped from the list... .that's how poor our mental health care is in the area.  She found some of the DBT lessons enlightening, I just worry that now that it is done, it is forgotten.  It really should be ongoing.

MomMae I too am looking for ongoing DBT support, my DD's found a local she is investigating. I've always wondered about Debbie Corso as an option, I think it fits some, my DD says she does not need the whole DBT course after 14 months, she needs a group setting where they brush up DBT and share where they struggle and support each other. She also needs a specialist BPD therapist to help her forwards from where she is.

Sorry for hi-jacking your thread HB about ongoing treatment options, what MM wrote really spoke to me, we want to help them keep going.

WDX

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi everyone,

It's been a rough couple of weeks but I think things are slowly getting better (knock on wood). The prospect of me leaving scared the **** out of my husband and he has thrown himself into making our lives and himself better. He quit his horrible job that made him miserable (with my prodding) and is looking for a better one. That doesn't help finances but he is skilled in a specialized job so it shouldn't be long. He is back seeing his therapist again. I  was supposed to travel for work this week but after a couple of rough weeks with family, my dog was bitten by a rattlesnake last weekend (she's doing great! got her anti-venin right away) and I decided to cancel my work trip and take the week off of work. It's also finals week for my masters degree. I have had a very nice week with my husband and have mostly caught up on school. I'm so glad I stayed home. I have an amazing extremely flexible job with even better coworkers, I am forever grateful for that.

Since my husband is off work for a couple of weeks, he spend a day helping DD clean out her apartment last week. That earned him a lot of brownie points from me because I have done that countless times and he really never has. It is a soul crushing job but I think he's actually better suited to it because unlike me he doesn't have OCD! Helping her clean the mountains of dead cockroaches and old food is a huge trigger for me.

She also called in the middle of the night last night (which has not happened in months) and my husband handled it. She loses her apartment key constantly and often will leave her window unlocked so she can crawl through it instead of leaving her front door unlocked. Last night she somehow broke the window and cut her hand and was totally hysterical. Pretty sure she woke up her entire complex. But DH talked to her while she waited for emergency maintenance to come and then she got inside and fell asleep while they were talking. I talked to her briefly today and she is very upset that her life sucks so much but she didn't seem despondent or like she was giving up.

Before that happened yesterday I asked my husband to help me come up with an actual budget/plan for us and helping our daughter. We aren't ready to let her be homeless and we make enough to help her pay rent. This month got out of control with other requests and we went way over. In the past I have been the ONLY person to care about our finances and my husband often made bad decisions about purchases etc that made my stress levels unmanageable. Every time I've talked to him in the past about this, it's me talking AT him and it goes in one ear and out the other. This time he fully participated and we came up with a plan to help our daughter but put a cap on it. We haven't presented it to her yet. The message is that financially we are not doing great AND we want to continue to help her, so we want to pay her rent for a few months and give her $50 grocery gift card/week. If she needs more than that for food we will help her get food stamps. She is working hard on changing herself and how she reacts to people but she really isn't capable of maintaining a job. She is about to be fired from another strip club after only a month. We are hoping that removing the rent/eating piece of stress might give her more room to breathe.

I was so close to leaving, which is the absolute last thing I want. My husband is my favorite person ever but he has been so hard to be married to with his mental illness and lack of self care/responsibility. He has taken full responsibility for it and although it's too soon to tell I hope that it will stick. This is new, we have not been here before. I know how much he loves me and I believe that he does not want to lose me.

I can't even say I'm cautiously optimistic yet but I can say there seems to be reason to be hopeful. I don't know how it will be when he returns to work, which I am apprehensive about. He is not borderline but his past is very similar to my daughter's (she's adopted) trauma-wise so certain kinds of stress are intolerable for him. Luckily I don't see how any job could be as bad as the one he just quit;  I am pretty certain that his boss was borderline!

I have been pretty good about following my therapist's self-care instructions. Taking off of work this week was a huge piece of that.

Thank you for all the lovely responses. You all are so fabulous and I'm so grateful to be here.  

HB

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi HB  

It's good to hear from you and things are towards a better place, wow, you've made huge changes in your approach with your husband, wake up time and he's responding, given up his miserable job with your prodding and support, back in therapy, sharing supporting your DD. Truly inspiring HB gently and supportively handing back responsibility where it belongs. And a shared responsibility for your daughter is healthy for them both and most importantly you. I hope he sticks with it. 

It's great you've a flexible job and great colleagues, sets the benchmark for your future employment too, absolutely priceless HB, sometimes we have to drop everything for our wellbeing and spend calm time with our family to get back on track as you have. You are truly amazing HB studying your masters these last year while managing turmoil around you. You deserve every success that comes your way.

I'm interested to hear more about financially supporting your daughter a short while, to give her space, she is struggling to support herself with continued employment, are you hoping she'll use the support, space to helping herself into treatment? She's working hard at changing thanks to you, do you think she's on her way, ready?

Keep those lovely feet of yours on the ground  

WDx