She wants a divorce, and I need to figure out my plan

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

I have known my wife has BPD for several years.  She stopped going to counseling and continues to tell me she hasn’t loved me for many years and wants a divorce.  I tell her that is fine to go ahead and we will do it amicably.  However, I have come to realize that she won’t actually go through with it.  She has been cheating on me for two years.  I should have confronted her before but we have two young kids and I wasn’t sure how to handle.  I also have an older daughter from a previous marriage that has left due to conflict with my wife.  My wife has been physically and verbally abusive in the past.   I confronted her last week about the cheating and she agreed to stop and seek help but she is still cheating.  Looking for local resources in Charlotte, NC for councilors and lawyers who can help me with a plan.

[Brianh]

Hi,

I have known my wife has BPD for several years.  She stopped going to counseling and continues to tell me she hasn’t loved me for many years and wants a divorce.  I tell her that is fine to go ahead and we will do it amicably.  However, I have come to realize that she won’t actually go through with it.  She has been cheating on me for two years.  I should have confronted her before but we have two young kids and I wasn’t sure how to handle.  I also have an older daughter from a previous marriage that has left due to conflict with my wife.  My wife has been physically and verbally abusive in the past.   I confronted her last week about the cheating and she agreed to stop and seek help but she is still cheating.  Looking for local resources in Charlotte, NC for councilors and lawyers who can help me with a plan.

[livednlearned]

I'm really sorry to hear she's cheating, on top of being verbally and physically abusive. That has to be very painful, too, to see your older D withdraw from your life because of conflict with your wife.

How old are your younger kids?

In NC, there are alienation of affection laws, one of four states that have them. That means that if there is proof of an affair, you may not be on the hook for alimony, if that's a concern in your situation.

If you do talk to an L, it's best to keep that information close to the vest. Some people also recommend talking to very aggressive Ls so that your wife cannot then seek them out -- that eliminates the threat that you are up against an aggressive L. Consultations with Ls can run $100 and up for 30/60 min depending on where you live, and are a great way to gather information about what kinds of things make you vulnerable in a high-conflict divorce.

Is your wife diagnosed BPD?

NC is also a one-party consent state, meaning that you can record without permission. It isn't a great thing to do, but in the event she assaults you, it's important that she does not then make a false allegation about you attacking her. Sometimes, when we start to think about divorce, the other person feels a slight detachment and begins to escalate and dysregulate. Even if she's not likely to make a false allegation, it's good to protect yourself nonetheless.

If you haven't already, it's a good idea to get Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy. He's a former social worker who became a family law attorney, and realized that most high-conflict divorces have a BPD or NPD spouse. It's helpful to have someone with that combined skill set prepare people for what to expect, and how to keep yourself (and your spouse, to some extent) safe.

You're right, too, that she probably won't file for divorce. It takes a lot of emotional regulation to go through with something like that, and people who have BPD tend to have a hard time with cognitive processes when their emotions are on tilt.

Glad you found the site and hope the collective wisdom helps you and your family get through this ok.

[ForeverDad]

Often we parents feel it is best to stay together "for the kids".  (Don't guilt yourself, nearly all here started out with concerns and ethics dealing with that.  Unfortunately that is an uninformed and unbalanced perspective.)  Well, if the family dynamic is unhealthy or dysfunctional, staying together may turn out to be reinforcing that family dynamic as normal.  In other words, do we want the kids to feel this current situation is 'normal'?  If this is all they will have known growing up, how will they become prepared for adult life?  How will they become prepared to be reasonably normal adults and choose reasonably normal adults as their marriage mates?  Most of us have been acquiescing appeasers and the disordered spouse the demanding tyrant ruled by moods and emotional perceptions.  Not a great mix.  Which parent do you want them to be like, appeasing you or the controlling other parent?  Who do you want them to marry, someone like appeasing you or someone like the controlling other parent?

Another problem you'll face is second-guessing yourself wondering whether divorce is the right thing to do.  Resolve that now, for yourself and for the kids, because the stress and push-back you get during the months ahead will surely test your resolve and decisions.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation (the earliest quote I could find) on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.