Survived her 21st bday

[Hyacinth Bucket]

My DD turned 21 this week. She tends to really build things up, especially birthdays, so I've been nervous about how it would go. It was pretty bumpy. She picks the absolute worst people to hang out with (she is growing as a person and they are not). The very short version is that two different celebrations with different sets of friends went horribly. One ended in my daughter getting a notice at her apartment complex - if she gets another one she gets evicted. I'm trying not to think about that because it makes me too nervous.

On her actual bday she freaked out when I wouldn't take her to an expensive seafood restaurant for dinner and told her to find something closer. She cussed and yelled me to take her home, so I did. She jumped out of the car and started to run across the parking lot without her phone, and I told her to come back and get it. She grabbed it and cussed some more and as I backed out to leave she threw her phone on the asphalt. I was furious but I looked in my rear view mirror  and she waved and looked like a sad little 5 year old. So I got back out and told her to get her phone and come  get in the car. We ended up having a nice evening and she apologized.

The next day she had the second fiasco with her friends and she called me sobbing so I picked her up. She vented appropriately (yay!) and I let her come to my house for a visit. She apologized again and I told her thank you, I know she always apologized afterward. Here's the kicker... .

she said, "But I want to stop doing it so I won't have to apologize to you anymore. I am going to really work on that. I can't promise that it won't happen again, but I can promise that every day will get a little better."

  Pretty amazing. She is trying. She isn't seeing a therapist still but her incredibly horrible choices in friends and her ability to see her actions in what other people do has enabled her to gradually alter her behavior. Her friends do things that she does or has done and she hates it and realizes how awful her own behavior is. We are helping her with rent for a couple of months, she intends to start stripping again once her new ID comes in the mail.

It was a good end to a stressful week. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

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       Yay! 

[Faith Spring]

Wow! She's noticing patterns in her behavior and how they affect you.  I am so happy for you, thanks a billion for sharing this with the rest of us.  That's all I want for my kid.  Just become self aware and empathize with others.  Wow.

Aren't birthdays the worst days with these kids? I relate to your story of the phone throwing-toddler looking episode.   It's hard as a mom to resist that wave when you realize they're back in their right mind. 

Well I'm happy for you that she turned this corner and even happier for her.  She's gonna be alright.  She cares about you and keeping you in her life. That's mighty fine. 

[Merlot]

Hi Hyacinth Bucket

That's amazing     I feel some hope when I hear that our BPC children, even without therapy, start to have some level of emotional awareness that allows them to reflect on their behaviour, apologise and consider how not to do this again.

Yes indeed a very stressful week and no doubt you are still concerned about her friends.

Look after yourself, we are all in here for the long haul.

Merlot

[DoneMom]

Hyacinth - I so understand your dread/fear of birthdays. My own DD23 has had some very bad birthday experiences for the past few years. 

On her 20th, I bought expensive tickets to a local music festival for me, her and her friend.  We planned to be there at 12 noon to enjoy the whole day but she put on and took off her makeup soo many times that we didn’t get there until the last song of the last band playing that night... .the song triggered her and she had a very bad panic attack.  I tried my best to get her out of there quickly but she wanted to “hide” behind a dumpster... .police came, etc. and so on.

On her 21st, she went out of town for a concert with her boyfriend and another couple and ended up trying to kill herself - resulting in massive hospital bills and a three week mandatory stay in a mental facility.

On her 22nd, I took her to an upscale spa for a day of beauty.  She drank far too many little (expensive) bottles of champagne and became unhinged (stealing products from the spa, refused to leave when they were closing, dropped her skirt and peed in the bushes of their beautifully landscaped exterior). So much bad behavior that I will never go back to that place again.

This past year, I really simplified and just took her out to lunch.  The restaurant we had decided upon together was closed that day for renovations and it turned into a fight about where we would go with her arguing endlessly for too expensive, too far away restaurants. We ended up at a cafe where she wanted to order wine but had forgotten her ID at home, so she started picking up my glass and drinking from it & the restaurant owner came over and took it away in a not nice way... .again, embarrassing and makes me not want to go back there.

Pre all of this, years back now I threw great birthday parties for her where she could pick out the flavor of her cake and icing... .she is a mini-gourmet and would challenge me as a baker with requests like: pistachio cake with rose flavored icing.  At least it was fun and didn’t involve the police!

Anyhow, didn’t mean to go on and on - I am new here and venting a bit.

I am happy for you that you are getting some acceptance and  accountability from your daughter.  I hope she keeps her word and tries to make things better with you.  It seems to be a good sign!

Best to you and your daughter,

DMom

 

[wendydarling]

HB

Uh oh and Yah!   Happy 21st to your DD, well done for surviving it! I'd like to share with you and your DD hope, ahead.

With you and parents here I've been through the roll too, 16, 18, 21, 25 we want the best for them, to celebrate. acknowledge them, their achievements, they can push back and it hurts. You are right we can only do that when they find their way to do so, feel comfortable with us and they are an inch ahead, leading. HB you are leading your DD and connecting with her, you are listening, keep doing what you are is the best ever birthday present today and in the future.

HB my DD's birthday is August and for the first time ever she is hosting, celebrating her 30th birthday at home  , 150 guests, a barbeque, live music, her friends are helping organise.

3 years ago I thought I'd lose her, it's quite extraordinary what they and we can achieve, keep listening. 

Keep going HB and sharing with family.

WDx

[DoneMom]

Wendydarling,

Hurrah for your daughter’s upcoming 30th... .your story gives me hope!
Thank you for sharing it.

And to HyacinthB - hope you are ok - it’s so much to deal with.

DMom

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Thank you for your replies!

WD, congrats, that is so amazing!

Faithspring and Merlot, 

DMom, oh my goodness those sound so horrible. I keep hoping my daughter will realize bigger is not better! I don't really understand what it is about birthdays that are extra terrible.

I'm okay, DD got her new ID today and was very excited. She said she was going to try working (stripping) tonight, more clubs are open to her now that she's 21. I could never have imagined that i would be grateful but she likes it and I appreciate that she wants to try to support herself. The lifestyle that comes with it sucks though. We will see how it goes.

[Feeling Better]

Hyacinth Bucket

I love your pragmatism, your ability to accept what is and be grateful and appreciate what your daughter is doing to support herself is truly inspiring x