My Grandgirl with BPD

[Juliasnani]

Hi I am the Nani"mother's mother" of 20 yr old girl with BPD. I just deleted her phone number from my phone. My goal is to stop sending her nice texts sans a reply. My life long habit is to be helpful and work to fix it. She moved away from family in January then 4 weeks ago quit her job and flew to Boston costing her half the money she had in the bank. Then Boston was no good so she begged Mom for a ticket home via greyhound.  Mama paid she is home now saying she with her $500 left will go back to Asheville soon. Meanwhile she is sullen and smart mouthed.  When she told me her diagnosis was BPD I said, "I would not have figured that I thought you might be bi-polar" to which she curtly replied.  YOU are not qualified to decide what is wrong.  GOSH I wanted to reach out and choke her. Here I am 68 and she talks to me like that.  I got the book "Stop walking on Egg shells and found this group."  My goal is to disengage and let her come to me if she ever will.  Otherwise I am a perfectly happy person.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello Juliasnani

I would like to welcome you here to bpdfamily son/daughter board.

You say that your “lifelong habit is to be helpful and work to fix it”, I think I was a born fixer too, although since counselling I’ve come to realise that I was probably programmed as a child to be a fixer. Anyway, I’ve also come to realise that I can’t fix everything. Trying to fix things can lead to resentment. Do you think that you might be feeling a little resentful right now?

Ok, so your granddaughter told you that her diagnosis is BPD. Do you think that the response you gave her might have possibly (to her) invalidated what she had just told you?

Why do you want to disengage from her and let her come to you, if she ever will?

I hope that I’ve not bombarded you with too many questions, I’m just trying to get your thoughts on those things x 

[MomMae]

Hi Juliasnani,

I want to join Feeling Better in welcoming you to the forum.  Having a BPD daughter, 21, myself, I truly understand some of the behaviours you speak of.  She too has been very impulsive with money and I certainly have seen more than my share of sullen behaviour as well!

It is excellent that you are informing yourself by reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  The resources on the right hand side of this page  are also full of excellent tools and lessons that can help you better communicate with your granddaughter as well as think about whether there are things about your approach that you could change. 

You are feeling that you need to disengage from your granddaughter for the time being and wait for her to reach out to you.  Is this the first time you have tried this approach?  When was the last time you had contact with your GD?  How is her mother, your daughter, coping?

We hope to hear more from you, Juliasnani.  There are many others here who understand where you are coming from... .having a loved one with BPD can be an exercise in frustration and patience to be sure... .

MomMae