Is there any hope at all?

[AlwaysTired]

Hi. First time here. Background: We knew we had a problem when my daughter was 2 years old. She has always been defiant. At age 5 the school psychologist was called in, IQ 142 and we were told "you're going to have problems with her." As her mom, I constantly volunteered at the school just to try to keep an even keel with the teachers. No one wanted her in their class because of her defiance, manipulation and just general pain in the *** behavior. FF to age 13, she is kidnapped and gang raped by her cousin's friends. They tell her if she ever tells they'll do it to her sister. She tells no one. FF to age 17--seizures start, 3 months in and out of hospitals and neuro psych tells us that the seizures are psychogenic (no organic reason) and "discovers" the kidnap/rape through hypnosis. Seizures continue. At 17 she has already been hospitilized (5150'd) 3x for trying to kill herself despite being in therapy since she was 5. It's so severe that she is actually legally disabled. Age 18, totally unrelated onset of bone disease that breaks her back and requires two years of rehab to function again. Seizures continue. Suicide attempts continue. Age 19--father leaves and her life is disrupted. Moves with mother (me) 4x while finding a place after a divorce. 5150'd another 8 times during those two years. Develops opioid addiction due to bone disease pain that continues to this day. Cycles through 5 different stays at inpatient therapy places. Tries college, starts drinking, wrecks car. Age 27 OD's on Tylenol during a phase where docs want her off opioids and flatlines 3x. Ends up in a coma for a month, docs all surprised she even lived. Kidney failure, liver failure, ARDS, the works. Miraculously recovers but is never the same. Now is 30 and it seems like every year she just regresses further and further. Lives with mother (me), has 0 friends, does not leave the house except for short times and cannot be trusted to even take a bath alone anymore. Wants constant proof that I love her, won't leave her, etc. Manipulation has increased to a point where I don't even want to talk to her anymore. I am so tired and sick of it that I have no life myself. I work from home so I can take care of her--she must be monitored at all times or she will OD, cut, or do other things that put her life and mine in jeopardy. She sees a psychiatrist once a month for meds, and a therapist once a week. This has been going on for 25 years and NOTHING ever gets better. It only gets worse. Yes, DBT therapy--for which she says does not help at all, and from what I've seen, she's right.

So, I came here hoping to find SOMETHING that would encourage me. A glimmer of hope. I'm not finding it... .if it's here, can someone point me in the right direction? I'm 57 and my entire life goal is to 1) hopefully live longer than her so she doesn't become a burden to her sister, and/or 2) since that's probably not going to happen, I work my tail off to leave enough money that when I die and she has to live with her sister at least there'll be enough money that she won't be a financial burden as well. I seriously have a goal of making $2M in the next 10 years so I can die knowing I did what I could. I think it's sad that's my only goal in life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Merlot]

Hi Always tired.

Welcome to the bpdfamily 

You have every reason in the world to feel tired. This sounds absolutely and utterley exhausting and my heart goes out to you as I can really hear how fed up you are...  

Personally I dont have direct experience with suicide and I really cant imagine how challenging this is on so many levels but many parents here do and will be able to share their exoeriences with you and hopefully provide you with some golden nuggets of support and guidance. There is much information on the board regarding suicide ideation which you may find helpful

I hope you have some support in place. Are you able to comsider a short term respite option for yourself? It sounds like you desperately need some time out to reset. Also, what do you think about therapy for yourself to learn strategies for dealing with ths situation moving forward?

My best advice for you today is that we can only change ourselves; and for many of us this is a work in progress.

Please keep coming to share, we are all hear for you any time of the day or night.

Merlot

[Feeling Better]

Hello AlwaysTired

Along with Merlot I would like to welcome you here, your post is so very sad to read, my heart goes out to you and I am giving you a big hug 

You show enormous strength, you have had so much to contend with over the years, things that would make many people crumble. Your daughter too has suffered greatly over the years, you both have had so much to deal with.

Your workload with your daughter is enormous, having to constantly monitor her and caring for her despite your own work commitments and her increasing manipulative behaviour. Is it any wonder that you feel that you have no life for yourself, that you are tired? It sounds like you are doing everything. Do you have people around you who can support you, or like Merlot asks, can you get any respite?

AlwaysTired, there are some heartwarming stories to be found here, many parents like you have had to deal with alarming and traumatic situations, we understand how you feel and what you are going through. I encourage you to read other’s posts, ask other members questions, we are all here to offer help and support.

I understand why you have goal number 2, it is an admirable goal. But at what cost to you? Do you have any other goals? Goals relating to your daughter and your relationship with her?

I hope with all my heart that we here are able to offer you that glimmer of hope that you are searching for x 

[Faith Spring]

You came here with hope.  So yes, there's hope.  Add a third goal to your life, my friend.  Something along the lines of finding your own peace of mind.