Here we go again, trying to figure out BPD behaviors.

[Red5]

So here we go yet again,

Another major dysregulation, and I knew from the outset that this was going to happen due to present ongoing circumstances.

Background:

My u/BPDw has never accepted MIL’s (her foo mum) new BF, this goes back years since her father death, almost our entire relationship/marriage.

This “new” BF person (and his W at the time) was in fact a friend of her foo family (mum & dad) for decades, so after MIL’s husband, u/BPDw’s father passed, then this man’s own wife passed, so the two; MIL, and this man (new BF) became friends, which grew into something else… and of recent, the two married, about ten years downrange… as I said, u/BPDw has never accepted this r/s, nope never (!)… or else the marriage… oh’ boy… big problems with it (huge!), there were words to the effect of “not even cold in the ground yet”… as the years have passed, nothing has changed in this regard… now add, my u/BPDw has been dx with stage four C about two years ago, in during this whole process, she has almost completely colored her foo mum (MIL) black… citing “interference” in her affairs… “long story”,

So to the point here, this man, MIL’s now husband… was dx with C also, and now has been sent to hospice, obviously not good… that said, this man is quite well off, a retired medical professional, like beyond the seventh figure, so MIL (mum) will be well taken care of after, he only has one surviving son who is somewhat estranged from him, and then there is u/BPDw’s foo fam, which is two other sisters, and of course MIL (mum).

Continuing… “they”… MIL and sisters (foo) have started the process of disposing of, and liquidating this man’s home (homes/possessions), and rolling stock, a camper, a truck, and a boat, and a house(s) loaded with all kinds of “stuff”… here’s the kick/… he is not passed yet… seems quite morbid to me… I don’t understand this.

So, u/BPDw was very cranky over the last several days, to the point where she had issues with my S32(autistic) behavior last evening (projection?), and as I once again intervened, as I always do when she is about to slip her rail (dysregulate), she of course got very angry with me… which is “normal” to me now… even the ST is “normal” to me.

So this morning, she was on the tele with her mum (MIL)… and she “volunteered” me to “help” with ascertaining the material condition of some of this man’s rolling stock, for sale, disposal, whatever.

I immediately retorted; and would have none of this!… I said to her, “first of all, you are quarreling with me (ST&rude)… second of all I don’t agree with ANY of this… and desire to be left out of this entire affair/activity(morbid)… and thirdly, as you are NOT being kind, cordial, and “loving”(nice) towards me at this time (last nights and this morning’s quarrels about S32 autistic), well there won’t be any “help” from me until you change your tune and how you are presently treating me” (boundary)… it was then that she exploded… hmmm,

Here is what really perplexes me… foo mum (MIL)  has been colored black, shut out for a while now, and the subsequent marriage contract execution with BF exasperated this even more… Until now as BF/MIL’s new H went down, in his health, she has not missed a day going to visits him, quit eodd to me…yes, now the veil has bene lifted, and u/BPDw has apparently changed her tune in regards to foo mum, and her H… so what gives… I don’t get it after ALL I have heard her say, and all the ways she has acted towards her foo mum, and her H#2… there is way more to this story, I won’t go into it here now… just that this behavior from u/BPDw towards BF/H#2, and mum (MIL) has got me pretty tweaked… and too boot, she is playing BPD games with me… oh’ well, I understand that BPD cannot process, so it comes out sideways… have I really taken foo mums place now, for a while, maybe longer, maybe permanently … What the heck knows anyways… all I know is that it’s going to exacerbate, as this person (H#2) expires, and foo mum comes unglued over it… meanwhile, I am supposed to go and see how much $ his “stuff” is worth… nope, ain’t going to do it… NO!

Meanwhile, I am in the doghouse, again, colored black, on “punishment” for holding my boundary with her… and all the while wondering just what am I witnessing here, very strange to me, this behavior… I mean the dude isn’t even gone yet… its weird,

Thoughts?

Red5

[Enabler]

Does Mrs Red like shiny things? Is she seeing $$$$? pwBPD have funny ways of ‘poof!’, everyday folk have a funny way of ‘poof!’when they see $$$$$, hell knows what a pwBPD sewing $$$$$ does. Does she even stand a chance of seeing any of this $? Even via her mother?

[Red5]

via her mother?

You may be onto something Enabler !

All I know is this, there is bad karma here, and I want no part of it,

I immediately thought of your green button too Enabler !

Red5

[Enabler]

‘If only’ thinking is big with people who don’t necessarily accept reality for what it is. Money, time, holidays, exercise (topical), new partner, new car, kids... .all really good things that prevent, restrict and restrain people from achieving success. ‘If only’ my H didn’t work in the city and have a 1.5hr commute and start at 7:15 then I would be able to go for a run eveey day at 6:30 and I would be happy... .

If I got hold of step FIL corn then I could buy all the stuff that Red won’t let me get and then I’d be happy... .

But, as we know happinesss doesn’t grow on $$$$ trees or treadmills

[Red5]

‘If only’ thinking is big with people who don’t necessarily accept reality for what it is. Money, time, holidays, exercise (topical), new partner, new car, kids... .all really good things that prevent, restrict and restrain people from achieving success. ‘If only’ my H didn’t work in the city and have a 1.5hr commute and start at 7:15 then I would be able to go for a run eveey day at 6:30 and I would be happy... .

If I got hold of step FIL corn then I could buy all the stuff that Red won’t let me get and then I’d be happy... .

But, as we know happinesss doesn’t grow on $$$$ trees or treadmills

Wiseman say... ."person who runs on treadmill is going nowhere fast"... .ha ha ha !

... .and corn is like cannabis... .you should "grow your own" !

I hear ya' Enabler, yes I do !

[formflier]

Red,

I'm thinking she "assumes" you will do what you are told... .therefor no need to ask... so s rhe volunteers you.

Same weird behavior of "telling" and "assuming" vice asking happened in my wife's foo, and let to ME deciding to be estranged from all of them, except my wife. 

It's worked out quite well actually.

So... .you know me... 100% P&T... .lot's joint issue and things like that.  So... .most rational people would think that me lifting heavy things is generally not a good idea.  Pianos are heavy.

Well... .my FIL decided I was going to help the family retrieve a piano and deliver it to my SIL. (using my truck and trailer... .and my back).

I simply said... ."I don't move pianos."

What followed was 10 or 15 minutes of screaming.  Not sure who started it.  MIL was screaming at my wife... who was screaming at FIL... .who was screaming at MIL... .who would take a break screaming at my wife to scream at her husband... .who would take a break screaming at MIL to scream at my wife.

I walked from the room, went to a back bedroom and shut the door.  Unfortunately I didn't have any headphones... .so I could still hear it all clearly.  I would have had to walked past them to walk out front door... and I didn't really feel like crawling out the window... .so I listened to the entire thing.

And... they all thought it was my fault... .because I wouldn't move a piano.  Yeah... .they scream because a 100% P&T veteran won't move a piano. 

Sometimes there are moments when you understand that "it's just not going to work" and make changes in your relationships.

I haven't talked to them in a couple years now, even though they live a few blocks away.  Sure... there are other issues in the mix where I "took a stand" and was "uncompromising".

By and large... my life is way better.

I'm wondering if there is a way you can "insulate" yourself from this crazy.  I'm also wondering if there was a need to respond to her volunteering you.  I mean, lets say they get it all set up... and you just don't get in the car.  Perhaps they figure out they might want to ask you.

FF

[Enabler]

Small chuckle to myself when I imagine RedW Family standing on the driveway with a pile of boxes, a couple of sofas and a few Monet paintings saying

"Now where's Red with the truck? Anyone ask him what time he was coming?"

[Red5]

Morning Ya’ll!

I'm wondering if there is a way you can "insulate" yourself from this crazy.  I'm also wondering if there was a need to respond to her volunteering you.

FF, you wrote this to me well over a year ago now…

“Your checklist is focused on her... .you are going to wear yourself out with that.”

1.  Assume she is an adult and can soothe her own feelings.
2.  When she wants you to rescue her from her feelings... .don't.  Wish her well with her efforts and live your life.
3.  Live your life in a healthy mannner.  When she freaks on you (which she will) deploy tools to end that argument... .protect yourself... .and get on with your day.  
4.  You care for your hurt feelings.
5.  Let her care for hers.
6.  When she is being nice, enjoy the r/s.
7.  When she is not being nice, enjoy yourself.
8.  :)on't argue.
9.  Communicate succinctly, trust she heard you, respect her decision… no rescuing.
10. Take your ears to a pleasant place, when her mouth is not pleasant.
11. Be consistent

 “You must unlearn what you know... .”

Good advice!

So this is what I do quite a lot now, as I assume (A$$-U-ME) that she really could care less what I think or say most of the time anyways… ?

I “communicate succinctly, and trust she heard me” (#9)… the first time, I do not repeat myself, I have become a man of few words… and “I let her connect the dots”… what was it that “Bull Mechums” character said in the movie, “The Great Santini”… when he is talking to his officers in his new squadron for the very first time, something or other… burning bush or something  !

https://www.you.tube.com/watch?v=droww43JVyA

Yeah, that’s me… “succinct” ha ha ha... .seems to be working so far !

red5W – I want you to go over to ___ (MIL's H#2’s) house, and perform x,y,&z… on p,d,& q…
Red5 – “No”, we talked about this, and I am done discussing it, “bad karma”.
red5W – Blah Blah Blah Blah… %$@*&!… I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT MYSELF ! (connecting dots)
Red5 – Off to work now, “Pump” is going to solo today, and Big AL and I are launching him out, BIG DAY !... .so see you tonight, bu-bye now… (Red5 Launches)…

... .and then red5W blows up phone via bluetooth/uconnect whilst Red5 is enroute, .Red5 turns phone to vrrrrr… vibrate, ands listens to the weather report on the radio… [#7.  When she is not being nice, enjoy yourself.]…

This morning, there was more foo drama, but it did not “involve” me directly, or better yet, after yesterday validation/verification/confirmation of my stance on all of this… It’s was funny to hear that the “insurance company” option was going to be now considered, as I had said it should to begin with (hmmm)… and I am also out of the dog-house, it seems?… she was “nice”… “cordial”… and “sweet”… Red5 is suspicious though.

100% P&T

… I myself am 80% as I loaded a few too many bombs, and the Flight Surgeon told me during my discharge physical that my back was “crooked like a politician” (quote movie Forest Gump). So I won’t be moving any pianos either, or furniture, of refrigerators… or _____ .

(Enabler wrote) Small chuckle to myself when I imagine… RedW Family saying "Now where's Red with the truck? Anyone ask him what time he was coming?"…

And look, his boat is gone too !  !

Another beautiful day here on the crystal coast… ya’ll have a great day !

Red5



  

[formflier]

You gotta love "checklist" mentality for BPD... .it actually works... keeps life simple.  Minimizes brain power "spent" on the disorder.

I wonder if instead of telling her no... .you pose a thoughtful question back to her about your values.

"Oh... do you remember my values about this?  We talked about this on (reminder)."

It's sort of forced connecting the dots... .and avoidance of saying no.

Even better... .it's offering a pathway to understand better how Red says "Yes"... .it's her choice if she wants to walk that path or not.

And... .on to enabler's chuckle.  That's exactly what would be helpful for them to understand that "the process" of scheduling Red... doesn't work.   Perhaps they change their ways... perhaps not.

FF

[Red5]

What is really against my values, .is the fact that this Man is not even passed on yet, and they (W's/foo) are already "clearing" his worldly possessions out... .doing "estimates"... ."well the house is still in good shape, but dated, maybe a "flip" would be the best way to get the most $$ out of it"... .F-ing really !... .that was the crux of their morning phone conn as S32(autistic) and I sat on the back porch having our coffee and tea prior to leaving for work and day vocational prgm.

I could not do that, imho; the foo (concerned) should be by the bedside, reading scripture, and talking about the good times... .as he is not passed yet, he is still with us... .yes, perplexing... .and u/BPDw is just going right along with it.

And the estranged Son of H#2, not so estranged, .he did travel here from up the eastern seaboard when he heard that his Father was turning for the "final approach to departure"... .again, imho'... .this is whom should be doing all the counting of the "wares", shillings, plates and saucers... .not MIL's daughters... .very "tacky" to me to even be witnessing this.

Can they at least wait until he is in the earth, and the barrister reads his FW&T... .then, .yes THEN do what needs to be done, and WITH the e/Son's consent, and blessing... .for crying out loud... .what is the friggen hurry, its really not even any of their business, as far as I am concerned, one hundred and twenty days of "marriage" does not give the MIL-bride's foo Carte' Blanche' right to swoop in and start dismantling the Man's estate... .I mean really?

Values... .and just plain respect seem to be absent, good grief!

I understand the great points about 'instead of saying no', and 'instead posing thoughtful questions'... .but ifs there's one thing I now understand about BPD (now), "in the midst" so to speak; reason, and factual expressions/conversations based in said reason(s) "why" are of zero consequence... .may as well be talking about "values" to the man on TV... .

So far, I am staying out of all of this clap-trap... .my boundary concerned is holding... .we'll see.

More drama of another subject (actually subjects plural) coming this weekend and next week, .will share later (?)... .

Thank you ya'll for the responses,

Red5,


  

[formflier]

Red5

I should say that I'm 100% with you.  Unless his last will and testament says (or he has otherwise expressed) that they should be doing these things now... .this is horrid behavior.

And... .I hate to say this, I would point you to consider your last will and testament and powers of attorney, specifically with respect to caring for your special needs kid.

Take notes of what they are doing... that you don't want to have done to you.  Be specific about it in your documents and appoint someone other than them to monitor this.

They'll freak out... .not your circus.

FF

[Red5]

And... .I hate to say this, I would point you to consider your last will and testament and powers of attorney, specifically with respect to caring for your special needs kid.

Take notes of what they are doing... that you don't want to have done to you.  Be specific about it in your documents and appoint someone other than them to monitor this.

They'll freak out... .not your circus.

Duly noted FF,

And I have it "ironclad",

The circus train has left the station... .and I took note.

Its certainly quite the phenomenon, the way some folks act when there are "personal effects" to be dealt with.

Honestly, and sadly; this is not the first time I have witnessed such type behaviors... .many years ago when my own Grandparents were leaving this earth, I also witnessed this type of behavior, to a degree; albeit not in such an "obtuse" way (perceived), .as I think I wrote earlier, its almost as if a degree of "adolescent" thinking/behavior comes out... .very strange to watch/witness.

Red5

 

[formflier]

The difference in the way some people approach this is shocking.


I'm in the last phase of "dealing with" my Father's estate.  Technically Mom is the executrix and I spend a lot of time talking her through it.  We also have a solid legal team.  (being successful and having property and assets in several states tends to complicate things).

Anyway, Mom and I both have been meticulous about "leaving stuff alone" until we "had to" deal with it.

So... .things like the stocks Dad picked... .haven't been sold yet.  And... guess what?  That's turned out pretty good.  

One of my "to do" items for this and next week is to take a hard look at all those positions, set goals and perhaps some sell orders, if the prices get sufficiently higher.  Basically... to make a plan.

For reference... .my Dad had a stroke in June of 2017 and passed away in December of 2017.  Comparing that to what you are describing when someone is still alive... .makes me angry actually.

Anyway... .glad you have a plan.

In the next few months I need to update my will and estate plan, so that control of certain "new" things to me (because of Dad's estate) are handled, in the event that I pass or I'm in a coma or something.

Not going to be fun... .because you can likely guess who will be specifically "excluded" from any control or say whatsoever.

I'm sure she will freak when and if she finds out... .that will be her choice.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I encourage everyone to get a revocable living trust to deal with assets. Having been a trustee for my neighbor's estate, having a trust makes things far easier than a will and there's no probate involved, which can be a long drawn-out process.

Also with a trust you can appoint a fiduciary company as your trustee, in the case your designated trustee is incapable of performing--or perhaps instead of a designated trustee, thereby eliminating interfamily drama.

[formflier]

I encourage everyone to get a revocable living trust to deal with assets. Having been a trustee for my neighbor's estate, having a trust makes things far easier than a will and there's no probate involved, which can be a long drawn-out process.

Also with a trust you can appoint a fiduciary company as your trustee, in the case your designated trustee is incapable of performing--or perhaps instead of a designated trustee, thereby eliminating interfamily drama.

My Dad did this for the "big things" (like a farm) and I will likely use this method as well.

So far, the only thing I wish my Dad had done, and that I'm considering doing is setting up a "testamentary trust".

Whether or not a "revocable trust" can "convert" to a "testamentary trust"... .is something I'm pestering lawyers about right now.

There can be some nuance between states as well... .mostly procedural, but when you have "success" that has your stuff over various states... .well... .it complicates things.

Anyway... .

No will (disastrous)

Will and probate (long drawn out process)

Trusts (solid and straightforward).

FF

[Red5]

Thank you FF, and Cat for your responses,

Yes, I have designated my own two other adult children as dual guardians of my S31(special needs) if something were to happen to me, and as well designated them as “trusts” of my estate ie’ life insurance recipients, W(step mom) is not, complicated to explain, but its “ironclad”.

Wow… more has gone on since I last posted, W tried to draw me back into the crew that is “counting MIL’s H#2, and I again refused (boundary), which started a fight (dysregulation), I disengaged and walked away.

W even rewrote a bit of history for good measure, “you said that”… “uh’ no I did not”… but I stopped myself (JADE), W really tried hard to make me feel “guilty” for not going to H#2’s bedside, and offering MIL “my help”… ugh… then W did it again last night, so I told her, why don’t you tell your mum (MIL) to call the swap shop radio show, then I asked her if her mum (MIL) had a POA (power of attorney), she answered, “there’re married”… I laughed to myself… and thought, that’s NOT how it works… and then she really went on at me, called me a ass, and a hypocrite (wow)… some Christian you are” she said… again… ugh,

So today… I had to drop my S31 off here in town so that he could visit with his mother (exW)… this happens about twice a year, as it should be, I have no problems with it, but of course W does, she tries to control every aspect of the enterprise… and over the years, since we married, this has been the trigger for quite a few HUGE fights… very tenuous to say the least… anyways, this is what happed today,

SO!... I got S31(special needs) all packed up, and we are heading out the door, and I say to him, now give (W) a hug, you won’t see her for a week Son, and he refuses!… yes, he got this look on his face, and absolutely refused, to hug his step mother!… I thought, oh’ boy she is going to explode!… but she did not, but she looked at me and I could tell I was going to get it when I got back home (about twenty-five minutes later)…

On the way to meet the exW, I asked him, Son, why didn’t you want to hug (W)… he whispered to me, cause she is mad at my Dad (?)… yeah, autism… the wisdom of a developmentally delayed young Man, he said, “because she is mad at my Dad… Wow !

The other morning, after I had gotten him up for his school day, and got him into his bathroom, I went to the other end of the house, and W came round to check on him in there (butt in)… and I heard her banging on his bathroom door… and yelling at him to OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW…

I thought to myself... .what now… so she got very angry and said to me, YOUR SON JUST TOLD ME HE HATES ME!… oh’ boy and ugh…

Turns out she hear him spitting in the bathroom, so she opened the door, (with the key)… and “cought him” looking under the cabinet… I told her, really!… calm down… what was he looking for?… she said a couple of choice words, by the way, is zero six fifteen in the AM…

So I went into the bathroom, and asked him what had happened for W to be so angry at him, and did you really say that to her… he said nothing… and I could hear her yelling crap at me form the kitchen… like “go ahead, let him do whatever, go ahead, and baby him”… I ignored her.

S31(special needs) is autistic, and he is about 5-7 years old developmentally, basically a permanent kindergartener… and “she” treats him like this… so I got it out of him, he had wipped his mouth with a peace of toilet paper, and he got some in his mouth, so he was spitting it out, and that was the last of it, so he was looking under his cabinet where I keep the spares... “she” did not have the freaking forethought to even understand that... instead, she started banging on his door, and then she opened it, and started yelling at him… and as he cannot “process”… He blurted out, “I hate you”… and kaboom she went.

I so tired of this $H1T !

So she took his computer mouse for the day, because he said that to her…
So today, after I got back home form dropping off S31(special needs) to his mother (exW), I knew she was going to be “up her sniper tree” when I got back home, she always starts out… “are you ok”… as I just had to lay eyes on the exW (been divorced for twelve years now, she lives in the next state down now)… I know she is drawing me in, getting me to drop my shields… so she can rail me…

She says to me, let’s go for a walk on the beach, I say “sure!”… and as SOON as I am backing down the driveway, she lays into me… I still think you are being RUDE to my mum (MIL)… it won’t hurt you to go and visit her and H#2... , which would be a trap… and she said, you are really being a hypocrite, and a jerk…

SO!… I told her (succinctly)… lets not talk about this right now, let’s just enjoy the rest of the day (yeah right)…

But she continued… this and that... blah blah blah… now I am on the highway… I said, “you need to stop right now”, that is NOT what I said, you have NO idea nor do you care what MY feeling are in this matter (yeah I know/JADE)… so she proceeded to cut me to ribbon, as how much better a man was her foo sis’s H than me… oh’ yeah… blah blah blah…

SO!… I took note of the crashed damaged boundary, and her abusive verbal behavior… and I executed a U-turn, and I went right back home, parked… got out, and went into my man cave office, and shut the door… she followed me in… further dysregulating as she went… blah blah blah… Red5 this, and Red5 that… pretty mean $H1T was spewing out of her mouth… I said nothing, then she gathered up her things again, and went to the beach by herself… and here I sit.
I was reading some stuff the other day, about what makes a pw/BPD “tick”, there were four things mentioned,

*No.1) They see themselves as the victim; always.
*No.2) They have a grandiose sense of entitlement.
*No.3) They are controllers of everyone around them to the point of utter relationship destruction.
*No.4) They engage in endless “emotional reasoning”, ie’ not using any form of real reason (thought process) at all,

Another thought on the matter, since S31(special needs) is now with his mom for a whole week, W and I have a lot of time on our hands, together… that said, there is the possibility of increased intimacy… but oh’ NO!… fear of that is overwhelming… so I had made a little prediction, and in light of all the aforementioned drama of the last couple of weeks, I KNEW that she would sabotage… and I was right!

Also read a few items about what was referred to as the “$H1T Test”… Ie’… a little test, to see where your boundaries lie, how strong they are… and what pw/BPD can get away with … the non.
Perhaps last evenings debacle, and as well this afternoon was a $H1T Test… and mind you, there is no “passing” this test, and the end result is more of the above bullet; No.1…

Another prediction… On Monday, we are to travel north to the university hospital, C treatment center, it’s going to be a tough day, as W gets scanned to see how she is doing… it will be either good, or bad news… of course we are both very worried obviously, as this is some heavy life stuff that she (we) are dealing with, as in her C… my prediction is, that she cannot process this, and she is having a very rough time of it, so me, Red5 the caretaker, is going to “get it”, and “get it “ good!… I am quite sure that the recent events, will only snowball, and grow worse, and I know there is nothing I can do to drearily this, there aren’t enough tools to accomplish this… she is going to push me further away, and she is going to “pick another fight”, maybe on the (even) the morning of... and she will go up there by herself, as she HAS done this before, in fact on several occasions now…

We’ll see… Thanks for listening,
Red5

[formflier]

Red... .I've been reluctant to give "orders" over bpdfamily... .but you need to treat yourself right tonight.  Skipper says so... .

A cold one will do you right... .

Man... .what a crank.

My wife used to do a light version of that.  I would stop the car and give a choice... continue and be nice or this is over.

After it was over a few times... .she generally gave up on "the car thing".

In fact, it's been  a long time since something has gone down in the car.


FF

[Red5]

Skipper says so... .A cold one will do you right... .

Wilco, I will Skipper !

I would stop the car and give a choice... continue and be nice or this is over.

My "muscle memory"... .is getting better, it now says in the "checklist"... .

WARNING... .if there is any hint of any chance of a BPD'ism showing up, YOU drive, NOT her... .or you'll be trapped !

Ya'll have a good weekend FF... .er' Skipper !

Red5

[Red5]

Another prediction… On Monday, we are to travel north to the university hospital, C treatment center,

W is going to undergo scans to see how she is doing,

… she is going to push me further away, and she is going to “pick another fight”, maybe on the (even) the morning of... and she will go up there by herself, as she HAS done this before, in fact on several occasions now…

Well, not to wait till the last minute, W has informed me, in so many words, that she will traveling solo in the AM, .I asked her, “so (W), what time do you want us on the road in the morning”... .she replied, “what do you mean us”... .

I did not respond, and I got ready for “bed”, I’ll be sleeping in the office again tonight... .

My “prediction” was accurate.

After all... .what do I expect after yesterday’s events, and subsequent ST, she did not even “stow it” long enough to go to worship with me this morning, albeit a very common behavior of hers.

It’s sure been a $hit show weekend... .ugh

She was speaking to her Son a while ago on her phone; and I was in ear shot, not only did she rewrite the weekends events, she even went so far as to “justify” her behavior in regards to her step FIL... .she said that she has “gotten over” the fact that her foo mum (Red5’s MIL) married the fella in the first place, .wow!, that’s like a total rewrite, .why?

I have been reading a lot lately about “radical acceptance”, and as well about becoming instantly “indifferent” as a defensive mechanism when attacked during u/BPDw’s dysregulative behaviors... .said another way, maybe being indifferent is a way of ensuring that the boundary is not breached due to my own urge to JADE in the midst of the BPD barraige?

Thoughts anyone?

Red5

[Enabler]

Hunch... .thinking ill of dead people is different to thinking ill of people who are alive... .dead people might come and haunt you for one. Thinking badly of a dead person sits badly with most people let alone someone who suffers BPB traits. You must have noticed all those people who are total hypocrites when they turn up to funerals of people they have openly hated.

Being indifferent to the actual noise and words isn’t that challenging, being indifferent to the fallout you know they’re generating is what I’m struggling with. Like your special needs son, my D9 is a bit on the sensitive side, well a lot actually like her mother. I just manage to get her in a good place and W comes in chucking grenades and blame bombs... .“do one W!”

[BetterLanes]

On the way to meet the exW, … I asked him, … Son, why didn’t you want to hug (W) … he whispered to me, … cause she is mad at my Dad (?) … yeah, autism … the wisdom of a developmentally delayed young Man, he said, … “because she is mad at my Dad …. Wow !

Red5

Thankyou for sharing that Red5! That's beautiful. I just told my T this story (when she commented how my D was observing the relationship between my H and myself). Even with his developmental delay and difficulty processing, S31 knows what the score is here and how he feels about it. And then he took a stand for that even after you told him what was the "correct" behavior to do in the situation, because he loves you so much. My T and I were very impressed. (I'm glad to hear you turned the car around too!)

BetterLanes x

PS I do "instant indifference" but I don't feel like there is anything reasoned or radically accepting about this for me. We have guinea pigs and if they get scared one of their behavior options is to freeze stiff and stay silent. It's a panic reaction. I suppose the idea is that the hawk can't see you if you aren't moving. I guess to translate that to people, if the pwBPD can't see any of your emotions and reactions then they can't attack them and feed off them and maybe they will conclude you're not edible, and give up and go away like your W did when you ignored her tirade. But doing this makes me feel, and no doubt, look, like a stupid small irrational prey animal. Maybe I can reframe this as a conscious choice one day! Your mileage may vary of course. It might work better if you imagine yourself as a more impressive animal like a panther in a tree or anything else less small and squeaky.

BL-pig x

[Red5]

Good Morning BetterLanes,

“I just told my T this story… because he loves you so much... .T and I were very impressed”…

Damn, you got me!… had to break out the napkin, and wipe this tear outa my eye !

I love that boy!… he is who he is, a gentle and innocent soul !… damn, can’t stop tearing up here…

Thanks BetterLanes for your response,

(I'm glad to hear you turned the car around too!)

Yes, I was “living on the edge there”… I gave her fair warning, and tried to detach, an disengage, I just wanted to walk with her on the beach, but she persisted in sabotage… she would not stop… I learnt this lesson the hard way, about the “trapped in the car trick”… the rest of the day, after she got back from the beach, it was ST, and for punishment, she did not allow me to come along with her to today’s most important doctor’s appointment, as was the plan for weeks now, .I even took the day off from my work... .she left at five AM this morning without a word… this is not the first time she has done this… matter of fact, the last time she had CT scans done, it was the exact same performance as today… you can’t “be there” for them if they push you away, and so I don’t “rescue” anymore.

Tough stuff…

Indifference… I like to think of it this way, you ever watch the palace guards at Buckingham palace, they have the tall bear skin hat, red tunic uniform, and a weapon with a bayonet affixed atop… standing at attention, and “on guard”… sometimes tourists will go up to them and act silly with them, but that sentry is not supposed to move, as he is a “caretaker”… but the “threat” of force he presents is as real as that weapon, with a real fixed bayonet… that’s me?… she will come at me, and say this, and do that, but she gets no response from me, if I am on my game, tools out and at the ready ie’ indifference… but she can surely see my bayonet affixed to my weapon, as in my physical demeanor… maybe arms crossed, and a firm, maybe self-confident look on my face… and surely she does understand the threat of retaliation that represents… metaphorically of course… in the past I have used it (retaliation/JADE)… and she knows what I am capable of, if angered to the limits… but I know where that goes… so no, if I am of “sound mind”, when she comes at me… I say nothing… and then I know I will get “punished”… then when that happens, I “self sooth”, and take care of me… at that point she is on her own.

Like Private Pyle’s jelly doughnut, they (Red5) paid for it, you (u/BPDw) eat it !… said Gunnery Sergeant Hartman… hope she likes day old jelly doughnuts ?

... .jelly doughnuts = driving by yourself all the way to the university hospital, having appointments, tests, and CT scans all day, hearing the news from the doctors, either good, or bad; God forbid... .and then after all of that... .driving all the way back home, by yourself (u/BPDw)... .I (Red5) could have gone with you and supported you, but you (u/BPDw), you sabotaged it... . 

… flight – fight – freeze – fawn; they say, I guess I am adopting “freeze and the threat of fight (demeanor of strength/indifference)”... .if you come any closer… often times, saying absolutely nothing seems to get a rather conflagrative; explosive response, and reaction from her anyways (extinction burst)… what else is there to do…

So here is the result... .you know, friends, family are going to ask, "how was the appointment"... .well, I won't rescue, and I will say, "well, couldn't tell you, she did not allow me to accompany her"... .and then I will get the puzzled look, and for just a split second the veil will drop a little, and folks on the outside of the Red5 domicile, will get a candid look into my world... .their facial expressions says it all !... .so there you go,

Yeah… tough stuff,

Red5  

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Red,
As hard as it is not to be there to support her--I get how much you embody your caregiving responsibilities--I hope you can take this "free day" and do something enjoyable for yourself, guilt-free--go fishing? Recharge those caregiver batteries. 

 
Cat

[Red5]

Hunch... .thinking ill of dead people is different to thinking ill of people who are alive... .

Thinking badly of a dead person sits badly with most people let alone someone who suffers BPB traits.

You must have noticed all those people who are total hypocrites when they turn up to funerals of people they have openly hated.

Being indifferent to the actual noise and words isn’t that challenging, being indifferent to the fallout you know they’re generating is what I’m struggling with.

I hear you Enabler,

As I wrote, .for the better part of ten years now, W has hated the fact that H#2, and foo mum are even together, countless nasty things said, and a lot of "bad acting" for years now ... .the stories I could tell, and she even went at it in regards to subject, .with her other two foo sis's about this, one time to the point of tossing cold coffee into one of her sis's faces AT HER own foo brother's wake some nine years ago now... .

So this man (MIL's H#2) is now on his DB, and she, u/BPDw has changed her tune, and the fact that I am not going along with it, now I am a hypocrite... .whiskey tango foxtrot,

H#2 even told his own foo surviving Son, as there are no other immediate relatives from his side now, just this one Son... .and he told him when he came down here a few weeks ago now?, "no need in you coming back here", and sent him on his way?

So tell me WHY... .why should I go down there with her, and see him, and then thusly be recruited by MIL and foo sis's to haul of all of his "stuff"... .no !

I want no part of this, as I wrote, there is some bad karma here, in this mans foo... .I want no part of this... .

Perplexing... .but the boundary holds, .even as the "push back" rages... .

Fun times... .

Red5

[Red5]

... .take this "free day" and do something enjoyable for yourself, guilt-free--go fishing? Recharge those caregiver batteries.

Thanks Cat !

I think I will,

I came into work anyways, .but I will probably leave early, and maybe I will go fishing !

That's a great idea!

Kind Regards, Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Red, what do you fish for? Bass, catfish, shad, crappie, trout, carp, pickerel, muskelunge, walleye, perch?

[Red5]

Hey Red, what do you fish for? Bass, catfish, shad, crappie, trout, carp, pickerel, muskelunge, walleye, perch?

Cat, we live in the fisherman's paradise, MHC NC... .& Atlantic Beach, so its salt water fishing here ; )

Mostly I like to try to catch; sea trout, redfish, maybe some drum... .flounder and if I am lucky, red snapper… also the occasional sea bass.

I got a little boat, and as well we go off the piers around here... .also shrimp, and blue crabs... .I got pretty good with a shrimp throw net when we lived down in Beaufort SC... .what did Forest Gumps best friend Bubba say... ."shrimp is the fruit of the sea" : )

https://www.you.tube.com/watch?v=WhfK98f5S00

Of note, u/BPD w does not like seafood?... .and won't eat fish, or shell fish of any kind... .

Me and my Son love it though !

Have a great day Cat !

Red5

[formflier]

RED5,

I am officially jealous... .

I'm in the heartland now.  It's been a bit since I've been to the ocean.  My wife and some of kids did MWR trailers down in P-cola a few weeks ago... .they had an awesome time.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

That sounds so awesome, Red5. I hope your "free" day gave you some R&R time.

[BetterLanes]

Hi Red5,

Aaw... .you got me back when I read your reply, so I guess we're square!

The palace guardsman is a much better image to use for indifference, I will try to think of it like that next time rather than the guinea pig. They know what their job is, whoever else chooses to fool around.

Hope you went fishing, or else will today!

BetterLanes x