I love her but she is killing me

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My wife has BPD as well as borderline bi polar. We have been married 4 and a half years the last last year of which has been just awful.

Two weeks ago after threatening suicide for almost an entire day i finally called 911 and she was taken to the psyche hospital where she has been for the last two weeks. Well at least I think she has.

You see she made it clear when she was admitted that I wasnt to be allowed to visit her or be told anything about her treatment. She did however call me once a day and the number was the hospital so i assume she was there.

She told me today she is being released tomorrow at 1pm and could i pick her up.
I asked her how are they releasing you to me if i couldnt even see you and she said she just be there ill come out when im released.

I'm petrified to have her come back home. I know it will go right back to dissapearing for days at a time, and the unstable mood outbursts and im sure more suicide threats. She has been hooking up with a guy who gives her free drugs, she lies about where she is constantly. She will tell me i need more than one man to be happy. It's just insanity and it is literally killing me.

I don't trust anything she says. She will leave for a couple days then start texting me how much she loves me and please dont leave i just cant help myself from doing this. Just over and over the same thing.

I don't see her being able to get better. The last straw was not letting me see her or know anything about her treatment these last two weeks in the hospital. I mean who does that? Im sure she was talking to her dealer/lover the whole time.

I have to get out of this and i just need some encouragement to do it. I mean i dont even want to pick her up tomorrow.

[blueyedguy]

My wife has BPD as well as borderline bi polar. We have been married 4 and a half years the last last year of which has been just awful.

Two weeks ago after threatening suicide for almost an entire day i finally called 911 and she was taken to the psyche hospital where she has been for the last two weeks. Well at least I think she has.

You see she made it clear when she was admitted that I wasnt to be allowed to visit her or be told anything about her treatment. She did however call me once a day and the number was the hospital so i assume she was there.

She told me today she is being released tomorrow at 1pm and could i pick her up.
I asked her how are they releasing you to me if i couldnt even see you and she said she just be there ill come out when im released.

I'm petrified to have her come back home. I know it will go right back to dissapearing for days at a time, and the unstable mood outbursts and im sure more suicide threats. She has been hooking up with a guy who gives her free drugs, she lies about where she is constantly. She will tell me i need more than one man to be happy. It's just insanity and it is literally killing me.

I don't trust anything she says. She will leave for a couple days then start texting me how much she loves me and please dont leave i just cant help myself from doing this. Just over and over the same thing.

I don't see her being able to get better. The last straw was not letting me see her or know anything about her treatment these last two weeks in the hospital. I mean who does that? Im sure she was talking to her dealer/lover the whole time.

I have to get out of this and i just need some encouragement to do it. I mean i dont even want to pick her up tomorrow.

[loyalwife]

  You have been through a lot. I hope you have been trying to take care of yourself during the time that you wife has been in treatment. It's understandable that it was hurtful that she chose not to see you during this time and that you were unable to find out how she was doing. Obviously, the hospital was able to determine that she needed help, and after two weeks, perhaps they were able to level out her meds. This happened to a brother of mine that was bi-polar, and although he was a little unstable afterwards, if they continue to take their meds, it gets better. Coupled with the fact that she is BPD, will be even trickier.

  Can you find a place to stay for a few days so that you have a safe haven? The hospital probably won't release her to a cab etc., and she may just need a ride home. Your in a precarious position because you may want to see her, and have missed her, but you haven't any idea of what mood or mental state she will be in when she gets in the car. It's always wise to go with your intuition and decide whether the risk outweighs the good.

  Does she have a psychologist or doctor that you can talk with and are allowed to do so? If not, it sounds like she is leaving you in the dark on purpose.  In my relationship with my upwBPD, when things don't go his way he has a way of getting back at me in a form of 'punishment'. When you know this is what they are doing, it takes some of the sting away.

   Set boundaries for her return, and be prepared to follow through. Have a plan B if things go crazy and hope that plan A, that she returns stable happens. 
   
   Hoping for the best for you.
   Stay strong.

[blueyedguy]

  You have been through a lot. I hope you have been trying to take care of yourself during the time that you wife has been in treatment. It's understandable that it was hurtful that she chose not to see you during this time and that you were unable to find out how she was doing. Obviously, the hospital was able to determine that she needed help, and after two weeks, perhaps they were able to level out her meds. This happened to a brother of mine that was bi-polar, and although he was a little unstable afterwards, if they continue to take their meds, it gets better. Coupled with the fact that she is BPD, will be even trickier.

  Can you find a place to stay for a few days so that you have a safe haven? The hospital probably won't release her to a cab etc., and she may just need a ride home. Your in a precarious position because you may want to see her, and have missed her, but you haven't any idea of what mood or mental state she will be in when she gets in the car. It's always wise to go with your intuition and decide whether the risk outweighs the good.

  Does she have a psychologist or doctor that you can talk with and are allowed to do so? If not, it sounds like she is leaving you in the dark on purpose.  In my relationship with my upwBPD, when things don't go his way he has a way of getting back at me in a form of 'punishment'. When you know this is what they are doing, it takes some of the sting away.

   Set boundaries for her return, and be prepared to follow through. Have a plan B if things go crazy and hope that plan A, that she returns stable happens. 
   
   Hoping for the best for you.
   Stay strong.

Yes I thought about having her take an uber home today instead of picking her up. But I dont know if that would just make her upset that i couldnt take the time to pick her up.

I think your probably right about not letting me see her or get any info being her way of punishing me. She never thought i would actually call the cops on her during one of her suicide threats. But i couldnt take it anymore and I knew she would be put in the hospital and that was the only way i could get her there.

I'm working on a plan b if things go completely sideways again which the chances are really good it will.

I have had to get all the money under my control because of her crazy spending and drug use. Although she gets access to them free from the guy she hangs out with.

I have made up my mind if she goes back to hanging with him and using drugs again I will move out. If I see her at least making an effort to deal with this by staying away from him and going to counseling and staying on her meds I will keep trying.

Thanks very much for the input and advice.

[formflier]

I have an idea for you to "consider".  Since time is short, please take whatever time you can to think this through.

Basic boundaries:  She gets to determine how she is treated and by what doctors and who gets to visit her.

You get to determine who rides with you in your vehicle and who lives with you in your home.

Do you want to support someone in a relationship where you are not allowed to be part of their treatment? 

I would consider going to the hospital and asking for a meeting with her and her treatment team.  She can authorize the meeting, even though she has denied it in the past.

I just can't imagine any health outcome for you and/or the relationship if you are not involved, yet still do her bidding when she demands it.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position.  I hope the hospital has resources that will help you guys communicate and plan for a healthy future.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

So what's happening today, blueyedguy? I think you did the right thing calling the authorities after her suicide threat and obviously the hospital staff took it seriously.

I heard repeated suicide threats from my ex-husband and it was a lot to bear.

One of my friends attempted suicide and her husband took her to the ER. Crazily enough, they released her that evening after they treated her cuts. The next year she was successful while he was gone at work--she learned how to make it irreversible. So, yes, absolutely you did the right thing.

[blueyedguy]

So what's happening today, blueyedguy? I think you did the right thing calling the authorities after her suicide threat and obviously the hospital staff took it seriously.

I heard repeated suicide threats from my ex-husband and it was a lot to bear.

One of my friends attempted suicide and her husband took her to the ER. Crazily enough, they released her that evening after they treated her cuts. The next year she was successful while he was gone at work--she learned how to make it irreversible. So, yes, absolutely you did the right thing.

So to update I did pick her up from the hospital. She was very emotional on the way home crying a lot. They put her on seroquel initially but then put her on Thorazine to stabilize her. It gives her a bad headache when she takes it and pretty much puts her in a zombie state.

She has to meet with a psychologist now that she is released and hopefully she get her meds right or get off them all together. There is no way she can do her job in medical billing taking thorazine.

And as I have started researching BPD it seems they dont prescribe medications for it that often. It seems you need to be trained to think differently more than medicated.

A huge factor for her is staying clean and not getting too stressed. Those are her big triggers. Also she needs to have a very structured daily routine. She functions way better that way. If her routine gets changed she seems to go off the rails.

Thanks for the responses and i truly wish the best for everyone here.

[formflier]

 

And as I have started researching BPD it seems they dont prescribe medications for it that often. It seems you need to be trained to think differently more than medicated.
 

Please focus on your research on what you can do... behavior and speech wise... .to validate and keep things calmer.  I would encourage you to let the professionals medicate and treat.  I would think your most valuable contribution is "appropriate encouragement" (the professionals can guide you).

I would encourage you to look up "co morbid" conditions.  At first glance, I would think it is unlikely this is "just" BPD.  I would also keep an open mind that BPD may not even be part of the diagnosis.

Certainly see has exhibited "BPDish" behavior and the skills you learn to "deal with" that behavior will help, even if the official diagnosis changes as they gain greater understanding.

FF