Family crisis

[dancelively]

Our adult daughter has all the symptoms of BPD but we don’t know if she has actually been diagnosed. She does not share much with us but rageful anger. The history of dysfunction in our relationship goes back to her early teens, when she was raped at a public event while with her friends. Our daughter is now 37 years old. She is a single parent with two beautiful daughters who we adore and they are why we listen day after day to our daughter's rage and blame. We want to be in the lives of our granddaughters.

Recently, our daughter was escalating in her behavior due to a job loss and the ending of her very emotionally abusive relationship with her children’s father and we thought she was suicidal. Others did too. We called for a wellness check which backfired completely. 6 police officers showed up and dragged her to the hospital. We thought that a wellness check was just to assure that she was all right, instead for someone with PTSD it was disastrous. She fought and raged with the officers.  My husband went to the hospital. We wanted her to get help for her unhappiness and when interviewed he unwittingly and inaccurately confirmed her verbal abuse and neglect of her daughters. He was intending to solidify help for her anger there at the hospital. Our daughter has never been abusive to her daughters but she does yell a lot which is what my husband was trying to communicate.  He never realized that DCFS would be called.  We only wanted our daughter to finally get help, we never had any thought of involving DCFS but the hospital made the call.

DCFS began their investigation which has seriously torn our family apart and seems now to lend proof to our daughter’s constant blame of us for all her problems. She has been granted a hearing after an appeal was made but doesn’t want us involved even though we submitted an explanation to the appeals board that this investigation and subsequent charge of environmental neglect should have been unfounded. Our daughter claims that if statements said by her father at the hospital weren’t made, she would not have her life ruined like this.

My husband and I are consumed with guilt. Our daughter has been a wonderful and very loving mom to her daughters. She has had some inconsistencies but the overall picture is one of love and caring. We think she panicked with the job loss as the sole supporter of her girls, which escalated her behavior of anger and thoughts of injustice towards her. We see our grandchildren almost every day and never have seen signs of abuse.  Lately though, before the wellness call, there had been more stress in the girls behavior. But whenever something goes wrong in her life, she immediately rages and blames us for her screwed up life, her words.

I would give anything for our daughter to love and trust us. We have tried so hard to be there for her. She considers all the help we have given her over the years methods of control and that ultimately we are trying to steal her daughters. Her girls love her with all their hearts and minds, we have only tried to help support her as a single mom to be successful.

DCFS has continued custody of the girls with our daughter but she must receive counseling every week, which seems to be increasing her anger toward us. She is now going to be homeless, but will not move in with us.

We contacted a lawyer to help her win her hearing and get the charges expunged which she has now demanded we cancel.
We feel helpless in this situation. She claims we will not talk to her, but we make daily attempts. There is always something else she focuses on to blame us for. Talking to her is unreasonable because her perceptions on everything are highly reactive and often untrue.
I am reaching out because my husband and I feel alone and are so depressed not knowing what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

   WELCOME DANCELIVELY,

    I am so very sorry that you and your husband are in this sad place of emotional turmoil. The story shared is so familiar here on this board. Please know that here in this place you are not alone! There are many parents here to support, understand and encourage you. I am only one of those many. 
  It can be so heart breaking to a parent when they hear the rage of their own child, telling them they are the cause of all the pain. The end result is just what you shared, we feel alone and depressed, confused and not knowing what to do. I call this the emotional rollercoaster 
 You shared many different ways in which you have supported and helped your daughter; what about the two of you? Being new to all this BPD is scary and leaves many parents shaking their heads. Do you have support, someone to talk too, share your feelings with? You must have come across this place when searching for answers, again like some of us who are already here. Sometimes seeking out a counselor can help. This page has tools, education, videos and yes others to talk with. Slow down, take your time, look around. Read some other posts, you will find we are all here for each other.
  It is unfortunate and sad that your story sounds so familiar, it sounds like a BPD story. Although you said your daughter was not diagnosed, you are right THE SYMPTOMS sound like BPD. The rage, blaming and distored view of every situation is very common with BPD.
   I encourage you to use self care, for both you and your husband. If this is BPD you will be in for a very long haul.   I hope you will share again, let us know what the out come of the hearing is.     I'm sending you these hugs, you need all you can get. Blessings to you both.

[Pico96]

Hi dancelively.   I also have an adult daughter with BPD, diagnosed to me by two therapists who have seen her with me.   
I can relate to most of your post, except the rages.   My daughter doesn't rage; she gets indignant and defensive and the blaming goes full tilt.
I and my family and friends are at a loss on how to help her.   Anyone that tries to point out her errors in her wild statements just gets removed from her life.  She also has a spineless husband who is the king of enablers and kisses her butt.   My two grandsons walk on eggshells and seem stressed all the time, breaking my heart.
I have been dealing with this problem of hers since she was about 19 and each year it seems to get worse.   She has now forbid the grandchildren to come to my home, after I have babysat them 3-4 days a week for 10 yrs.   She has torn our family apart and has broken my 84 yr old mother's heart.
What I don't see in these pages here so far, as I've been on only a few weeks, is anger.   I feel betrayed and verbally and emotionally abused for absolutely no reason and this has angered me to no end.   I do not deserve this treatment from her, and neither does my mom.   It angers me to watch my mom's health deteriorate because of my daughter, angers me that the extended family is no longer a close unit, angers me that I can't see my grandchildren grow, angers me that she has slandered and defamed me to friends and relatives (which always gets back to me because they know she is lying), angers me that she has allowed her father, who abandoned her 35 yrs ago and is a shyster with a horrible reputation , back into her life and is exposing her children to him, angers me because I am without a clue how to get through to her.
I have been trying to move on, by taking good care of myself, resting more, reading more, therapy, yet I am broken.
I certainly feel your pain and I hope for the best for you and your husband.