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RomanticFool
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« on: July 26, 2018, 09:56:58 AM » |
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So here we go again. Except we don't. My ex uBPD married lover found a reason to contact me. She asked whether a song I posted on Twitter (Badfinger's Baby Blue) was directed at her. I explained that it was the song from the final scene of Breaking Bad which I had watched again recently.
This heralded a very long-winded conversation in which I told her that I felt let down once again by her behaviour and she proceeded to accuse me of slotting somebody else into her place. However, this time I viewed the whole conversation through the prism of what I have been discussing on these boards for over a year now and while she behaved exactly according to BPD logic, at least I now know why. This means I was less emotionally engaged in these emotional roller coaster push/pull conversations than I would normally be.
I felt that her accusation of me finding somebody else was not only projection but was also a repetition of something I have accused her of in the past. It also served to illustrate that we are both suspicious of each other. She also maintained the idea that I am always trying to 'lure her back into my web.' This sounds paranoic and in keeping with one of the BPD criteria.
She reiterated in the conversation that life is not good for her and that her 'mental health is dependent upon my schedules,' which frankly is news to me.
Despite cutting me off FB she accused me of abandoning her whenever I'm busy and despite her contacting me, she said that I yank on her strings when the job is over and I have nothing else to validate my presence. I reminded her that I have offered many many times to contact her regularly, on a daily basis, and that she is always the one who breaks any arrangement of this nature.
I have discussed the idea of BPD before with her and mentioned in the past that I thought I may have some traits. When I gave her the checklist (when we were on good terms) she said that many of the traits struck a chord with her. Especially the inner emptiness, suicidal ideation, impulsive behaviour, mood swings, unclear self image and unstable relationships. Yesterday, I told her I had discovered more about BPD and was involved in online therapy, she said she was 'sick of this pseudo psychoanalysis' that she has 'no disorders or complexes' and perhaps it is time to turn the mirror around and realise how much of this 'cruelty and bombast' is about me. She said she will never be able to jump high enough for me and I screw with her self esteem big time. I reminded her that she cut me off FB 4 weeks ago and I have had NC with her.
She maintained that she cut off FB because she considered that not speaking to her for a week after she had told me she was coming down to my hometown with her family amounted to ST. I reminded her that I had wished her a good day (on the day in question) and then I became very busy with work. She told me she knew that she would get 'prickly silence' from me for being honest. She said that she was proven correct and that she should not have to choose between being truthful and dealing with psychological warfare. I reminded her that I had hardly ever instigated silence in our r/s it always came through her. I also reminded her that I had wished her a good day with the family and felt there was little else I could say. As I said at the time, I think she wanted some kind of acknowledgement that she had been morally correct in being 'honest.'
There is some projection in her words regarding accusing me of her own faults, especially ST, and also some repeating back to me criticisms which I have made of her, such as being cruel and oblivious to her pain.
I write all of this not to illustrate how awful my ex is or to prove that she has BPD, but rather because I identified absolutely with how she feels. Even though she started this current spate of NC, she feels abandoned and humiliated because I did nothing to try to break it. In the past when we have had these disagreements, I have been the one to make contact again usually. The main thing that I realise with her is that by putting up boundaries, it makes her feel unstable and alone. I also share her irrational desire for the people we push away to come back to us with contrition and declaring undying love. I can no longer be angry with my ex, because that part of the disorder I totally identify with.
I am no longer here trying to apportion blame. I think her disorder is more extreme than mine, but my own traits have meant that I have played a pretty big part in triggering her issues and vice versa. I tried to discuss with her that we both trigger each others' issues and that much of both of our behaviour is consistent with BPDish type behaviour, particularly the inability to see our own responsibility for what has happened. Unfortunately, that is an area where she simply cannot go. She cannot allow herself to take any blame for anything that has happened otherwise her whole crumbling edifice of a personality on which she has tried to build some kind of foundation, will simply come crashing down. I understand her like I've never understood her before. The question is what do I do about it?
The r/s is over in a physical sense, but she has confirmed that she relies on me being in her life to some degree. Do I believe that or is that simply how she feels this week? Do I go back to trying to maintain a friendship as I did before, with a strong boundary now set in place that ST will get a similar reaction from me, or do I keep going with the NC and try to get her out of my life?
Then there is the moral question about my marriage, of course. Given that I haven't seen the ex for 18 months and that there is really no longer a love r/s, do I allow the psychological bond we have to stay in place or will that simply lead to more heartbreak in the future? The thing that worries me the most about her is that even though I understand her now, even though she is in AA and is training to be a counsellor, she still shows no empathy and takes no responsibility for anything. I don't think a friendship could exist on that basis anymore than a love affair could.
RF
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