When the feelings change

[Shawnlam]

I know many of you on here have had moments like I’m going to describe below , id like to know how you’ve dealt with them to be honest? What practices or techniques did you use or frankly what did you do to solve the issue good or bad?

As most know In  the last year or so I’ve been on /off with my gf who is now presently in therapy.I myself go to therapy and have changed in significant sectors of my life .Since I’ve changed a lot and feel better about myself than I have in a long long time a few things have occurred.One main factor is I know what I don’t want much more than ever before .This goes for people around me on all levels .To size up this list I know I don’t like drama anymore ,from friends family or relationships... .I find no value in wasting time on the subject as much as I used to because it never brings anything positive ever.I also as a “man” would convince myself I didn’t need the return of the emotional soft side attention ( the how’s it going ,you seem tired or sad you ok) the genuine tenderness people can give and receive .Well I kinda do enjoy that sometimes when called for and I’m no longer ashamed to say it .I also have this thing now where respect seems just as important as love almost a 50/50 split down the middle .Ive rearranged myself where I make it more evident to my partner to show them both of these ,same with friends and family.I give and respect people’s time and space more than I ever could (takes a lot of self awareness to do this it’s tuff) but I’m getting pretty good at it.But I’m also kinda craving for this myself in return since it’s something I value much more than before.

With that said , the issue I believe is happening with my present relationship is not much of the above is happening from a return point of view.It hasn’t gotten me angry or upset ,but it has had me thinking maybe this is a mistake for both of us.Now obviously I can’t speak for her so I won’t assume this on her behalf ,but for me it’s almost a certain .I know a partner is supposed to be there and support one another always and be that emotional support for them.But from my perspective only since I won’t put words or thoughts on her behalf ,I think I’ve reached my limit with this relationship in a passive way.I thought I could take for as long as she can give all the victim talk,the poor me stuff,me being the emotional wall for her because I love her but... .I feel empty and unfulfilled? I feel like I could do much better and deserve better? I feel bad just having wrote that but I can’t lie to myself and the people on here , it’s really how I’m feeling.I never used to self evaluate to this level before,the old me would simply blame her for making me feel this way but honestly it’s not her fault at all.I kinda knew how she was, even with her starting therapy it takes years before change can happen on a significant level .Ill be even honest in saying she has been trying really hard this time no joke.Its just like most comorbid complex b personalities they don’t give off the same emotional investment as the NT types usual do (even though deep down they could be loving us even more).

I remember reading a few moderators stories like skip and once removed ,both had said something in common .They left these relationships because they required more out of a relationship.It took me awhile but I’m starting to fully understand what they mean by those comments today.Its not a mean thing to say or selfish,it’s just the truth.

[pearlsw]

Hi Shawnlam,

This is a really insightful post.  I hope others join us here to talk this over!

I think it is important to express your feelings like this.

I think one reason I have done okay in my relationship is that my needs are not so high and can be met. The parts that are missing are things that I could fix myself - make more friends, see my family more, have better work.

But I am this way because I've had relationships in the past and I don't feel anything is missing and don't need a relationship to feel complete.

My relationship barriers are different - him being jealous and controlling and emotionally abusive. Things I can only be free of by leaving him one day I suspect.

So, you and I may end up in the same spot, but for slightly different reasons.

If you still want this relationship, or want to find a way, I would recommend looking at buddhism to be honest. It can help you feel less of a need for outside things to fill you up, make you feel whole and complete on your own. But that is just one crazy idea and may be way out of your interests. Personally, it gave me a lot of peace in life and the ability to detach (at times) and feel more free - from everything. I am not recommending it as a religion, just as a philosophical system that helps with thoughts, if I can make that distinction.

But even without that, keep working on yourself and filling yourself up is my suggestion.

warmly, pearl.

[zachira]

Shawnlam,
I admire so much how you have done everything to better yourself and give this relationship a chance. You clearly have changed and are now perhaps looking for a relationship where there is a more empathetic connection between the two of you, and you feel safe in your own skin. You might want to google: John Gottman who talks about what are the main factors in keeping a relationship happy, and how it is all about being with a person that has your back and you have theirs, and you bring about the best in each other. With all your soul searching, hard work in therapy, and willingness to take feedback, you have shown that you have the capacity to have a happy fulfilling relationship, and you will get there. How are you doing now that you feel you perhaps cannot continue this relationship? I am sure you do not want to hurt her, yet you have to do what is right for you. I have often heard it is harder for some people to be the one ending the relationship because he/she does not like to hurt another person.

[Shawnlam]

Hi pearl , I’ll definitely look into Buddhism see what I can learn from it.Im not so sure anymore though that this is the sort of relationship I want .Its not that I’m needy but I would like more from a partner or to put it kindly I’d like something more emotional.Its tuff to explain the whole thing but when I’m with friends who are in couples you can sorta see the back in forth from them and their spouses.I entirely understand that it’s very hard with someone who has BPD to do this so I’d be foolish to expect it and selfish to think it.I guess after all the self reflection I’ve been doing these past months it occurred to me it’s actually something important for me to have.

[Shawnlam]

Hi Zach  , I’ll be honest right now I don’t know what to do .Im doing some in-depth thinking and revisiting feelings ,looking at logic /emotion/reasoning.I posted here for insight as well since everyone here has their own experiences and feelings and judgements on this familiar subject.Many minds are better than one and I’d rather make a sound judgement on this .

[zachira]

Of course, it is hard to know what to do. To stay or to end a relationship is not an easy decision. May I suggest that you make a list of what you must have in a relationship, and what are the deal breakers. You can google all kinds of articles on what makes a relationship happy and what usually are the deal breakers, and then decide what works for you. I realized my biggest mistake in relationships is I did not know what I wanted and just fell into what came my way.

[pearlsw]

Hi Shawnlam,  

I support ya either way! I just know a few tools for the sticking it out side of things. Have you also looked at Radical Acceptance?

This might also be something to think about: (small sampling of buddhist thought)

How Expectations Undermine Our Relationships and Happiness

I am glad there are so many voices here offering you support from many angles!

warmly, pearl.

[Skip]

Its just like most comorbid complex b personalities they don’t give off the same emotional investment as the NT types usual do (even though deep down they could be loving us even more).

Can you break this down without the jargon  .  Cluster B is broad when you add the spectrum's and constellations, it's hard to make blanket statement. People with tend to go all in, and in a big way.

Not sure what "NT" refers to?

I remember reading a few moderators stories like skip and once removed ,both had said something in common .They left these relationships because they required more out of a relationship.

You may want to give things a little time to settle. You both took on a lot of water in that last confrontation of battleships. It is going to take time for things to reach steady state. She lost a baby - that is a big, big deal. You had you ego trampled - you still feel the sting. You are both most likely holding back.  A CBT therapist would say act like you want it to be and give it time to catch up. Ask you guy. I like his approach.

One other thing to consider. Honeymoons are temporary - real relationships are a lot more about getting groceries than rose pedals.

If you give this your best shot, you will know in another month or two if its worth it.

Take the emotional lead (just don't push). See if she follows.

[SunandMoon]

Hi Shawnlam

You are doing a really awesome job of learning about yourself! The way you are embracing change and open to input, even when it is hard to hear, is admirable.

At the moment, you are evolving. You're examining your values and finding out what you really want. That is inspiring! Your girlfriend is also on a similar journey and one that might take longer than yours.

I think Skip's advice is sound... .give it time. Take the lead to create the life you want while also giving yourself and your girlfriend time to adjust to everything and come up to speed.

In a few months, you may have evolved further in your thinking. Things change. Give it time and keep going the way you are - you're doing a great job!