Hard to watch my husband with so much anxiety

[lonely38]

My BPD husband is starting therapy for BPD.  He is very much struggling with lots of anxiety, looking back on his 61 years and feelings of what his life has been like.  I feel sad watching him and kind of helpless.  I am trying to be there as a support but not get caught up in his anxiety.  I feel I actually turned a corner the last few days where I am beginning to remove myself from what is going on with him but also allowing myself to be present enough to be a support.
Working on mindfulness so I can be aware of his emotions and what he says and when to enjoy time with him and when to be a little more distant.
This stuff is so hard to watch for me and our family.  Wish there was no such thing as mental illness.  Hoping and praying for healing.

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[pearlsw]

Hi lonely in co,

I'm here with you! I was cursing mental illness and praying myself this weekend! It is so painful. I may lose my relationship and it feels like a tragedy to me, but there just may not be a way to hold on.

Is he taking any anti-anxiety medications? What is making him anxious?

That is great that you are working with mindfulness. It is really one of the best things you can do I think.  I wish I had a solid meditation going now as I have in past years of my life. It makes such a difference!

How does he feel about starting his therapy? Will you be a part of it in any way? Read up on it so as to support, or... .?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[isilme]

hi lonely in co.

Anxiety is horrible to watch.  My H can have crippling anxiety, often on a weekly cycle of every Sunday night.  He can get anxious about worrying about getting anxious - it's a feedback loop.

It used to make him not sleep at all, and I finally got him to try St. John's Wort as a herbal remedy.  St. John's Wort is usually okay for most ppl, but it CAN make you prone to sunburn.  I think maybe it was a bit of a placebo effect, but it made H feel less anxious and helped him cope with some really rough times - that or things like calming teas might also help.  It shows you are trying to help in ways that might shake him out of the cycle. 

Exercise of any kind can also wear off the excess anxiety, release serotonin and make you tired to where you don't feel the anxiety as strongly.

Do you have others in the home with you?  Is it just you two?  Are you both working, retired?  Other health concerns?  Any internal or external causes for this anxiety or he just wired to be anxious?

[Learning2Thrive]

  lic

Anxiety is indeed very hard to watch in those we love. When my husband starts buzzing around due to anxiety it triggers an anxious reaction in me. Are you also feeling anxious?

Working on mindfulness so I can be aware of his emotions and what he says and when to enjoy time with him and when to be a little more distant.
This stuff is so hard to watch for me and our family.  Wish there was no such thing as mental illness.  Hoping and praying for healing

Sometimes the best thing we can do for those we love is to take very good care of our own selves. This also promotes mindfulness. What are you doing for your own self care?

  L2T

[lonely38]

This is all too horrible to actually believe, but it is my reality.  While I have been married for 38 years, I am finally coming to terms with what my marriage has been about.  It has been a big bunch of bullsh***.  Alot of hoping for and wondering what if, but no real 'for sure' as in I am loved and am cared about and feel accepted.  

I am sorry but my original post has now gone back to how I have been feeling.  My husband went to his therapist yesterday and his homework assignment was to share with me all that is keeping him awake at night and all that is giving him anxiety.
One of his items on his list as he shared with me this a.m. was a massage for his ankle, which has been troubling him.  The fact that he has he has a history of inappropriate massages with prostitutes makes me feel very triggered.

And I am supposed to be the healthy one here trying to listen to him and support him and empathize with him?  Really?  His piece of information about the ankle massage was about a time in the last few months that he had the ankle massage and he did not tell me because we were doing 'bad?"  

I remember not feeling good about us at that time.  That was when he decided it was not important to be around for my birthday and instead opted for a business trip, all in the name of helping out a coworker?    It seems to me it was about him and a need to not be around and, yet, another place for him to escape.

This is all raw and how I am feeling at this moment.  I am so very tired of trying to stash how I am feeling.  I am over eating, over drinking, under sleeping and over anxious.  And I am supposed to be the healthy one? The one who is supposed to be helping to support him and encourage him and be empathetic to him?  All in the name of his mental illness?

What about those of us who are hanging on by our toenails? Who are extremely lonely?  Who would love to be loved unconditionally?  Who would like a little peace in their lives?  Who would like for life to be normal for once?

I am sick and tired of this ride along with who my husband is and who he has been.  I know he is hurting.  But his stuff has left me beyond feeling sorry for him and really sick of dealing with it.

[isilme]

I am so very tired of trying to stash how I am feeling.  I am over eating, over drinking, under sleeping and over anxious.

You can't do any good for either of you if you can't get into a good place yourself.  Write on here all you need, find a close close friend you might trust with this, talk to clergy if that works for you, or a therapist - don't keep it in, just realize he's not going to be any good for you to help you process it and get it out.  He's kinda broken.  He can get better over time, but you need to take care of you for now. 

Are there things you've been neglecting to do that make you feel better?  Exercise?  Seeing friends?  Getting your hair done, even?  Can you commit to doing at least one of those in the next few days?

We try to "fix" them.  I think many of us are codependent, and I know I am 100%.  I have to remind myself, and give myself permission to have my own feelings and to not rescue H every time he's going down a rabbit hole.  I have to let him know I am here, and then leave him to fall into it, or climb out. 

Don't fall into the rabbit hole.  If you're both down there, it's a lot harder for either of you to get out. 

[Learning2Thrive]

What about those of us who are hanging on by our toenails? Who are extremely lonely?  Who would love to be loved unconditionally?  Who would like a little peace in their lives?  Who would like for life to be normal for once?

Oh, lic, I feel for you. Honestly, I totally get it... .I put myself last on my list for almost 50 years.

You know what? It’s perfectly fine for us to take care of ourselves. In fact, it’s a necessity. I’m now focusing on loving myself in the healthiest ways possible—ahead of anyone else. It wasn’t easy. BUT! It’s been life changing. Don’t get me wrong, I still provide all necessary care for my family. But I have FINALLY stopped dropping everything to rescue those who are legally responsible for themselves. I am letting them feel the consequences of their own choices and actions.

What are you doing to take care of yourself today? You are worthy.

  L2T

[lonely38]

Thank you for all the replies to this post.  My last post was very raw and shows me how tired I probably am.  I have been very stressed and anxious.  And, yes, I think I am 100% codependent.  Everyone seems to looks to me for what to do.  My husband woke me up in the night 2 nights ago as he was so anxious.  While I want to support him and told him that it was ok to wake me up, I also did not get sleep for the rest of the night. 

This whole taking care of myself while trying to be available to him is a tough balance.  Combined with our concerns over our daughter, whom we think has BPD, it has been a lot to digest.  My husband has been all about talking to our daughter as he is now understanding himself and wants to help her.  I am thinking this is a bad idea unless she wants help.  I have talked to her about BPD but so far not much of a response from her except that she does not think she has it.

What I have been feeling for a while is a lack of balance in my life.  Trying to work on that but it may take me a while.  I have a couple of trusted friends I am sharing with and a therapist as well as this site.

Thank you for this site and allowing those of us who are hurting the ability to put out our feelings.  Sometimes this feels like the only place I have to go to either vent or get support.

[pearlsw]

This whole taking care of myself while trying to be available to him is a tough balance. 

Hi lonely in co,

I remind myself from time to time that a professional treating a person like this would need extra support so it is no wonder I do too!

I don't have enough, but I've made that point to my SO and even he gets it!

His moods are a full-time job. As I watch the clock knowing he will be back soon I feel the exhaustion setting in. His energy is a lot to deal. I try to be positive and create as nice of a home environment as I can, but it is not easy.

So, you let him wake you up when he is feeling anxious and you help to soothe him? Is that what you are describing?

What are you seeing in your daughter that makes you think she might have BPD? There is also a Family Board where you might be able to get more insights and help in relation to that, okay?

warmly, pearl.

[lonely38]

Yes, I told him it was ok to wake me up.  Is that bad?  Guessing that is also codependent!  I realize I like to feel needed.  I also care about him and want to help.  Maybe I should back off from even that?

Our daughter has shown signs to us from a young age of BPD.  She is now 30.  She is fairly awkward in social situations, seems to be challenged with friendships.  She has had trauma in her life including a date rape and a pregnancy from that.  It was not long after she gave birth and gave up her baby that she began to gain a lot of weight.  For us as family members, that seemed odd as we thought she had made it through the trauma and giving birth and was doing better.

She has most recently been fired from a job and although we are living in an area where unemployment is extremely low, she has been out of work for about 3 months which is giving us alot of concern.

I know she struggled with self esteem, is highly sensitive and defensive, etc.  I don't see the exact same things in her as I do my husband but definitely some similarities.

[pearlsw]

Yes, I told him it was ok to wake me up.  Is that bad?  Guessing that is also codependent!  I realize I like to feel needed.  I also care about him and want to help.  Maybe I should back off from even that?

Hi lonely in co,

I didn't mean to worry you!

How often does it happen?

I think if it happens from time to time, personally speaking, it's not automatically "bad". I think it only becomes a problem if you are feeling put out, or he never develops his own skills to self-soothe.

But I've had relationships with nons and I would want to be woken up for something serious, but of course, what a non might wake me up for would be totally different I imagine.

It is okay to want to feel needed, that is a reason we are in relationships, to give and receive care and love. It only becomes unhealthy if you are taking on so much of his own emotional work that you aren't really managing your own needs well, I think.

If you are worried you are codependent then actually focusing on that a bit, instead of him, would be a good idea. Keep your needs a priority in the relationship and don't get stuck in a giving mode at the expense of your own needs entirely.

Sorry to hear your daughter is struggling too!

Hopefully others will join us with their insights and support on these issues!

take care, pearl.

[isilme]

It's okay to allow him to wake you IF you feel it is okay.  This is for you to determine.  If you are someone who can easily get back to sleep, it might be okay.  If you are like me, and sleep maintenance insomnia keeps waking you all night every night, and you are habitually sleep deprived, it may not be a good thing.  It's all based on how strong you think you can be, and allowing yourself time for self care as you can.  Only you can make that choice, and maybe tell him, "I want to be here for you, but can I ask if tonight you please only wake me if your anxiety hits level 7 out of 10, okay?  I am feeling poorly and really really need sleep tonight.  We can cuddle if that helps, but I need some rest."  Also, see if any herbal or OTC things can help HIM sleep.  Look into sleep hygiene rituals (bathe, cool room, no TV in bed, etc.) that set his mind for calm, sleepy time, not ramp up anxious time.  Set a schedule as you can to make bedtime a thing.  Get some white noise, or some alpha-wave music going.  I know all of this sounds silly, but even if it acts as a placebo, it may help HIM sleep, which will help YOU sleep.

Regarding your daughter - I was raised by two people with BPD as an only child.  I am codependent/reverse BPD if you will - I NEED to feel everyone else is happy to allow myself permission to be happy.  Since my parents were never both happy and were often miserable, I took all of that internally and felt it was my fault, my job to fix.  This makes me prone to depression, low self-esteem, and yes, seeking out a BPD partner.  it's what I knew/know, it felt "normal" to me at first.  It took about 5 years to wonder if something was wrong, and then by 10 years, I had a name for it.  We learn what we live.  She has learned from her dad certain behaviors, and that they work sometimes.  

Some people can have what I've seen called "BPD fleas" but not be full-on BPD.  They may have a few behaviors from the list, but not all of them, or not strongly or consistently.  You could maybe say she might be higher functioning than your husband if she has it at all.  I think the main thing is that her issues are not adding to the stress and anxiety in your household any more than can be helped.  I am socially awkward.  I did not learn well from my parents and instead had to emulate TV personas for a while to see if I could make friends at all.  And while we moved less than other military families, I've moved more than people I know now, who went kinder-high school with all the same people.  I went to 9 schools in 5 states.    

that seemed odd as we thought she had made it through the trauma and giving birth and was doing better.

Also, trauma like a date rape and resulting pregnancy WILL follow her forever.

She will cope great some days and then have bad ones.  Even the most well-adjusted person will have these issues.  She's not going to just forget it, get over it, never suffer from it.  It's now a part of her fabric of her being, and she likely feels damaged or broken, likely unlovable, and is self-medicating with food, depressed and not exercising.    

And losing a job is certainly not going to help her self-esteem much.  I got laid off due to budget cuts, nothing to do with work performance, in 2013.  I went a little crazy.  I cleaned my whole house, getting up at 7 to see H off, had his lunch ready at noon, dinner when he was home.  I sorted every drawer and cabinet, took on freelance large-scale logo painting jobs and
sewed about 500 small craft birds to sell, just so I'd not feel like a burden or deadbeat.

In my opinion, one of the worst things to tell someone with BPD is that they might have BPD.  It's blaming them, invalidating them, and is not going to (usually) encourage them to improve.  Now, they can either flip itt and project everything back onto you, or be defiant, "Well, you said I have BPD, so whatever, I CAN'T do better, I have BPD."  I'd not tell her she has BPD.  I'd simply ask how she is, if you can help with her job search, does she want to go back to school for more training, etc.  Human nature makes us want to identify problems when the real hard part is solutions.  The tools on here are good for all types of communication, regardless of whether someone has an emotional disorder or not.  See if she responds to validation, suggestions for trauma counseling, is willing to get involved with a volunteer organization of any kind (The women's' center?  helping other rape victims?  Animal shelter? Soup kitchen/food pantry?).  Maybe something to get her busy would help rebuild some of that fragile self-esteem, help her meet people, find some purpose, AND network to find a job.