I'm at my wits end

[Maak]

My daughter is 19 years old. We have been trying to treat her emotional troubles for 6 years. I have literally had this conversation 300 times: Why are you crying? I want to die. What's troubling you? Everything. I wish I were dead. You must be in misery. Is there anything I can do to help? Nothing helps. Did anything specific happen thats making you feel so miserable. Everything is wrong. I hate my life. I hate everything. I want to die. I want to kill myself. I want you to kill me. I'm so sorry you are feeling this. I love you so much and will do anything I can to help you... .then it is either complete silence or constant wailing.
She has tried multiple medications and dozens of therapists. She's been in the hospital 4 times. My husband and I are in therapy together to learn coping skills, but hearing this constant conversation for years and years is wearing on my last nerve. I don't know what else to do to help. She also splits us into all good or all bad. When I'm all good, she lays in bed all day clinging to me. When I'm all bad, she gets angry with me and gets out of bed, showers, goes to work. I hate her being mad at me but at least she's not laying in bed all day. I'm told I enable her and that I need to stop doing this. I asked my therapist why it is so wrong to make things pleasant for her just to ease her misery just a bit. He says she needs to learn to cope without me pampering her. I don't know what to do anymore.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Maak

  welcome to you. My heart goes out to you and all parents of teens here, what a decade of change BPD or not, it is hard, you are not alone, parents here understand.   You continue to search your way forwards with your H and DD  

Have you read lesson 2 change your approach, I was in your ream of asking same Q's 300 times, it confused my DD. It's been a blessing for me to make changes. Here I can pick and choose resources which work in my situation. I continue to learn Maak, everyday and make progress slowly, this journey is not linear. When I make progress, my DD responds and as you share your DD does at times  

Welcoming teen parents input here about meds, teens changing landscape.

Maak are you working with BPD professionals?

Best to you and your husband.

WDx

[Maak]

I did read about changing approach, but more importantly I read about enabling vs supporting, and it was like a frying pan hit me in the head. Our psychologist keeps trying to tell me to stop enabling, and it wasn’t until I read that post that I understand why now. I was so scared she’d try to attempt suicide again that I’d do anything to make her happy. I now know that I’m not responsible for her actions and trying to appease her isn’t going to change her. Thanks for responding. It helps to hear from others and reveal what I’m going through.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Maak

I would like to join wendydarling in welcoming you here.

I’m glad that you’ve managed to sort out some stuff in your head regarding enabling. I too used to enable my uBPD son, it took me a long time to realise it but sadly I found out about it all too late as my son has been NC with me for about eighteen months now. At least now I know, hopefully I won’t be falling into that trap again if ever my son and I reconnect.

Something else crossed my mind that you might want to take a look at and that is boundaries, I say this because I lacked good healthy boundaries. Sometimes we just give too much of ourselves, I know I did. You can find out about boundaries over on the right 
Look under TOOLS, 5th line down.

Look forward to hearing more from you Maak x 

[wendydarling]

I did read about changing approach, but more importantly I read about enabling vs supporting, and it was like a frying pan hit me in the head. Our psychologist keeps trying to tell me to stop enabling, and it wasn’t until I read that post that I understand why now. I was so scared she’d try to attempt suicide again that I’d do anything to make her happy. I now know that I’m not responsible for her actions and trying to appease her isn’t going to change her. Thanks for responding. It helps to hear from others and reveal what I’m going through.

Hi Maak

I'm with you, there is nothing more scary than dealing with suicide ideation, attempts, self harm of our children. Mind blowing, frying pan. I was where you are in 2015/16, my daughter is doing great now and I look forward to supporting you forwards with parents here in similar situations.

What's helped me as Feeling Better suggests we keep in mind we are changing our approach as you are enabling v supporting, really helps. I've changed my approach many times, helps not to get stuck.

I'm glad you read enabling v supporting. Have you read FOG, radical acceptance?

Hope Maak, always.

How are you today?  

WDx