Multiple Drama Triangles With The Ex-Laws

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex is the eldest daughter,  previously The Golden Child, but given abandoning me,  she stepped off that pedestal.

Her younger sister moved back from out of state into their parents' home three years ago with her then toddler (father resides in the other state, and contact has waned, poor kid),  and has taken up my ex's role to be the confidant/Rescuer to their mom. 

My ex told me a story today about conflict with her sister.  It started on Facebook (naturally) where sis posted about her son asking if he were fat.  There it's a cultural thing here.  They (sis-mom) calls him gordo  (fat). He isn't.  I heard their mom,  grandma, calling our daughter "fea" ("ugly" a few years ago. While this is a cultural thing out bothered my ex and she got her mom to stop doing that,  not without static (FOG) I'm sure.  They give her a lot of static on how the disagree on raising our kids. 

My ex commented publicly on her sister's FB about how maybe calling her son gordo might not be a good idea.  Cue a private text exchange my ex read to me,  which was basically them JADEing each other. I know my ex can say things to trigger others,  but I agreed about what she told her sister: posting on social media invites comments. Her sister shot back something like,  "who are you to judge, you should fix your own life." 

So now they are at odds,  but the primary conflict is sis stepping into my ex's old role: emotional confidant and Rescuer to their mom.  My comment was "your sister seems to feel insecure." She agreed. 

My ex said that she has forgiven their dad for what he did over the years. Sis is triangulating with their mom to punish their dad.  He's just being stubborn about health issues. It isn't cheating and beating as in the past. I said that despite their mom being in a one down position being a woman and also being a woman in their culture,  she's an adult and has been married 40 years and was capable of handling her husband add an adult without enlisting her daughters for emotional support.  I offered that her younger sister seemed to have taken on her role as emotional confidant, emotional Rescuer and that this seemed like emotional incest,  and that it was extremely damaging to children who shouldn't be burdened like that. 

It was the first time I'd used the "EM" term. Rather than denying it,  she said, "I know well how damaging that is." It looked like she wanted to cry but she didn't. 

I think that this is all sorts of messed up and it isn't going to get better at their parents' home given health issues with both ageing parents. I was glad when my ex told me that she was trying her best not to be that way towards our kids.

Being an only child, I realize that while I can understand this logically after a fashion, it's hard did me to relate emotionally. I can only understand so much. 

[Turkish]

My ex is the eldest daughter,  previously The Golden Child, but given abandoning me,  she stepped off that pedestal.

Her younger sister moved back from out of state into their parents' home three years ago with her then toddler (father resides in the other state, and contact has waned, poor kid),  and has taken up my ex's role to be the confidant/Rescuer to their mom. 

My ex told me a story today about conflict with her sister.  It started on Facebook (naturally) where sis posted about her son asking if he were fat.  There it's a cultural thing here.  They (sis-mom) calls him gordo  (fat). He isn't.  I heard their mom,  grandma, calling our daughter "fea" ("ugly" a few years ago. While this is a cultural thing out bothered my ex and she got her mom to stop doing that,  not without static (FOG) I'm sure.  They give her a lot of static on how the disagree on raising our kids. 

My ex commented publicly on her sister's FB about how maybe calling her son gordo might not be a good idea.  Cue a private text exchange my ex read to me,  which was basically them JADEing each other. I know my ex can say things to trigger others,  but I agreed about what she told her sister: posting on social media invites comments. Her sister shot back something like,  "who are you to judge, you should fix your own life." 

So now they are at odds,  but the primary conflict is sis stepping into my ex's old role: emotional confidant and Rescuer to their mom.  My comment was "your sister seems to feel insecure." She agreed. 

My ex said that she has forgiven their dad for what he did over the years. Sis is triangulating with their mom to punish their dad.  He's just being stubborn about health issues. It isn't cheating and beating as in the past. I said that despite their mom being in a one down position being a woman and also being a woman in their culture,  she's an adult and has been married 40 years and was capable of handling her husband add an adult without enlisting her daughters for emotional support.  I offered that her younger sister seemed to have taken on her role as emotional confidant, emotional Rescuer and that this seemed like emotional incest,  and that it was extremely damaging to children who shouldn't be burdened like that. 

It was the first time I'd used the "EM" term. Rather than denying it,  she said, "I know well how damaging that is." It looked like she wanted to cry but she didn't. 

I think that this is all sorts of messed up and it isn't going to get better at their parents' home given health issues with both ageing parents. I was glad when my ex told me that she was trying her best not to be that way towards our kids.

Being an only child, I realize that while I can understand this logically after a fashion, it's hard did me to relate emotionally. I can only understand so much. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Turkish,

Though you cannot understand everything, it sounds like you provided a listening wolf ear which also goes a long way

Your ex is a complicated person, she's made some very questionable decisions while she was with you and still exhibits troubling traits, but I also see her other side, the work she does with children with disabilities and her effort and desire to be a good mom. This does not always translate into actually behaving like a good mom, yet I do see her trying based on what you've shared on these boards.

Even if it's a cultural thing, I believe she is right that posting these types of questions on social media is not good for the children involved. It does invite not so nice feedback and basically potentially encourages online bullying and shaming. Her sister is still responsible for how she raises her own children, but I understand your ex's concern here.

Grandma calling your little one "ugly" also isn't something I would appreciate so I'm glad Ma Bear as you call her got her mom to stop doing that.

The Board Parrot (yeah I'm wandering about the place a bit)

[Turkish]

I asked my ex today of her sister was going to stop calling her son "gordo" and she said no,  that her sister explained it to her 5 year old 

I asked my ex of her sister would like it if her son called his mom "gorda" and my ex laughed and said "of course not!" Her sister isn't obese, but does struggle with her weight.  She wouldn't take it well at all even if the adults called her that affectionately. 

My ex reminded me of a story where a few years before she met me one of her aunts have her a hard time when she gained a few pounds.  "What happened? You're eating too much!" Then later, "you're too skinny.  You need to eat more!" My ex was anemic when I met her,  not doing the vegetarian diet right.  Borderline eating disorder, pun intended.

Shame, lack of self-worth is the Destroyer at the heart of the disordered world-view of a pwBPD.  When it seeps through a family like poison,  no one can know it,  all drinking from the same cup.

[Kwamina]

My ex reminded me of a story where a few years before she met me one of her aunts have her a hard time when she gained a few pounds.  "What happened? You're eating too much!" Then later, "you're too skinny.  You need to eat more!"

Yeah I have extended family-members who do something similar to my uBPD older sister. Whenever they see her they talk about her weight and physical appearance. My sister doesn't like the comments, yet does not assert herself with these family-members. I listened to my sister the last time and validated her feelings, but am not stepping into the role of rescuer. The same people she complains about are also the same people she keeps trying to get attention from.

Shame, lack of self-worth is the Destroyer at the heart of the disordered world-view of a pwBPD.  When it seeps through a family like poison,  no one can know it,  all drinking from the same cup.

Then I guess it's time we put that cup down. I like what you said on JNChell's thread about hugging the 'you know what' out of your children, looking them right in the eyes and telling them that you love them  You are a great Papa Wolf and example to the baby wolves