Am I The One Who Is Wrong Here? What Can I Do Until I'm Free?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi guys, I have not posted here in a while, I have just been trying to bear with my situation.  The episodes have been less frequent and don't last as long.  Its been like that for months, but I think it is because of some things she is trying to do and will need my help with some things coming up, but even if it isn't all the lies of the past makes me not trust it.

Here's what has been going on.  The old car I got rid of it because it was in very poor condition and a family member bought me another, a used one but in great condition.  The minute she found out she got professional lessons and learned to drive (I didn't mind and my dad always told her she needed to learn how to drive and I was teaching her when I could) then immediately upon getting the license said she is buying one also so I don't have to drop and pick her up etc. (she does use the car we have now whenever she wants). So she wanted to order this car and I said wait until you save enough they have those same ones posted every day but no she had to get it right then.  And after all the constant nagging my mom agreed to order it and have it shipped here, doing the transfer of funds with her account since she didn't know how and was short just a few dollars then she would just pay her the money back.  So I am say to myself well at least she can save for something even though she didn't save one dime after working for 3 years.  So me and my mom did the wire and come to find out she doesn't have any of the money saved yet.  As soon as we did it she is saying I don't think I like the color maybe I should have gotten such and such a color.  So that next week she got paid she gave me most of what she got paid to put on my mother's account.  Then two weeks later, the same and two weeks later again the final payment to pay for the car.  The car takes long to arrive almost 2 months, its one of those ones from Japan coming by ship.  So I was like you maybe a month left until it's here and the import tax and other fees along with licensing and insurance will be about 1500 more so make sure you save now so you can have it when it comes.  Well behold the thing is here now and again my mom has to pay all she doesn't have one dime.

Now for the past few weeks she has been sending a lot of money back to her country saying her nephew has gotten a scholarship and her sister asked for help, who knows if it's true I never know, but she used all her money doing that, but even before this when she only send like a quarter of her salary home every month she never had a dime.  Then she went out with friends twice in a row and I was like you need to save and shes like today was only 45 dollars.  The day after she said that she asked me to buy her food as she didn't even have enough to buy lunch for work for the week.  I really felt like rubbing it in but I explained how that money she spent could have been used for food and that she still has to pay my mom but she never gets the point.  She does not go out a lot and said she didn't want to turn them down again.  I said you can just say you didn't have it, but I didn't make a big deal of it because it was true she doesn't go out a lot.  But she does spend every dime she has on something or other then asks me to buy things at times which aren't necessary and I usually find a way to buy it since I don't give her money usually because I pay all the bills and everything for the house and take care of my son so usually I don't have anything to give.

So to this morning, I said I want to leave home 30 minutes earlier because I have a dentist appointment (I honestly forgot to mention it before and they only called me yesterday to remind me).  So she said you should have told me before and I said I forgot.  Then she told me she wants to send money to her sister and needs me to do it because she didn't have her passport, so I said you should have told me before partly being a smart ass because of what she just said to me, but partly I was not because I go to work late 1 hour late every day so I can take her since her work hours start after mine, but with the dentist appoint this morning I would be even later then she didn't even have the money on her so I had to go to her bank atm to get it then send it.  All that before I get to go to work.  So back to getting ready, she had more than enough time we got up the same time, today but usually i'm up long before.  I fed my son, washed the dishes 3 times because she fixed her breakfast, then  I washed, then made her lunch I washed them again, then I noticed it was a bunch of pots and other things (I feel like cursing just thinking about it) on the stove she used.  So i cleaned them too.  She would have cleaned them when she got home but she has seen for years I never leave dirty dishes hanging around all day and plus that harbors roaches (I saw one small one this morning) and other things and because I have a problem personally of washing a million dirty dishes at one time so I don't like to let it pile up (no i'm not a neat freak or anything but if it piles up and looks like crap i'm hate having to tough it).  So I got ready after and made my cereal and ate it in the car.  So I had to take her to work early.  In the car she felt I was being so mean to her because when she told me about the money I said didn't you just send money last week (usually its once a month), then she told me along with this week she also will be sending more next week.  She said I didn't even ask what the problem was when she mentioned it before.  I said you told me your brother is moving and I thought it was the same thing so anyways she said its not that its about her nephew.  She tried to go on and on about borrowing money from her work and I said I told you my opinion on it many times already (I said it was a bad idea but she keeps asking every 2 days).  I said just do what you have to do for your family and you can pay my mom back whenever you get it.  So she kept asking me about it and I could see where it would go so I just said I am not answering that question anymore.

I took her to work and she was complaining about how I took her early and now she will have to work extra time for them because I took her early.  I said I always go to work late when I drop you and I have to do other things for you like when you give me your check to cash and if that's a day i'm in school I am already out of work for three hours then I have to go to the bank for you or transfer money and I never complain and she could not see it my way.  She said you just complained, so I said "when, tell me what I said", she said you told me I could have sent the money to my family today without my passport because I showed them the passport before.  I said I was not complaining I was just letting you know that.  She said she couldn't do it anyways because that location is closed.

I went to my appointment and then went to do her transfer.  The amount she told me to take from her account wasn't even enough to pay the transfer fees but I didn't go back to take it from her account I put it from what I had which just happened to be exactly enough, it wasn't a lot like 14 bucks, but that was my lunch money for today and what would have been left represents every cent in my possession until the end of the month, I could use my credit card but that is very high and I have therapy bills and dentist bills before month end I will need to use it for.  At the end of it all I was just in a state of despair.  Even though her attitudes have been less and don't last nearly as long.  When I think of it I always say I can't do this forever.  Especially with my son, she has superpowers I swear.  He cant shower at night after a certain time because her super hearing will hear it even though the door is closed because the bathroom is right next to the room.  One night I was at the table with him and he was eating some chips, he opened it and it was not loud, I was at the same table and she was in the room with the door closed and burst out immediately saying he was making noise with the chips bag loudly on purpose to annoy her.  Her super smell always picks up things I can't and the air from the fan still can't touch her because it will make her sick.

I always write essays and it's much to read I know, but i hold a lot of stuff in and when I let it out it just comes out.  I feel like this is just sucking the life out of me.

[TommyBahama]

Hi guys, I have not posted here in a while, I have just been trying to bear with my situation.  The episodes have been less frequent and don't last as long.  Its been like that for months, but I think it is because of some things she is trying to do and will need my help with some things coming up, but even if it isn't all the lies of the past makes me not trust it.

Here's what has been going on.  The old car I got rid of it because it was in very poor condition and a family member bought me another, a used one but in great condition.  The minute she found out she got professional lessons and learned to drive (I didn't mind and my dad always told her she needed to learn how to drive and I was teaching her when I could) then immediately upon getting the license said she is buying one also so I don't have to drop and pick her up etc. (she does use the car we have now whenever she wants). So she wanted to order this car and I said wait until you save enough they have those same ones posted every day but no she had to get it right then.  And after all the constant nagging my mom agreed to order it and have it shipped here, doing the transfer of funds with her account since she didn't know how and was short just a few dollars then she would just pay her the money back.  So I am say to myself well at least she can save for something even though she didn't save one dime after working for 3 years.  So me and my mom did the wire and come to find out she doesn't have any of the money saved yet.  As soon as we did it she is saying I don't think I like the color maybe I should have gotten such and such a color.  So that next week she got paid she gave me most of what she got paid to put on my mother's account.  Then two weeks later, the same and two weeks later again the final payment to pay for the car.  The car takes long to arrive almost 2 months, its one of those ones from Japan coming by ship.  So I was like you maybe a month left until it's here and the import tax and other fees along with licensing and insurance will be about 1500 more so make sure you save now so you can have it when it comes.  Well behold the thing is here now and again my mom has to pay all she doesn't have one dime.

Now for the past few weeks she has been sending a lot of money back to her country saying her nephew has gotten a scholarship and her sister asked for help, who knows if it's true I never know, but she used all her money doing that, but even before this when she only send like a quarter of her salary home every month she never had a dime.  Then she went out with friends twice in a row and I was like you need to save and shes like today was only 45 dollars.  The day after she said that she asked me to buy her food as she didn't even have enough to buy lunch for work for the week.  I really felt like rubbing it in but I explained how that money she spent could have been used for food and that she still has to pay my mom but she never gets the point.  She does not go out a lot and said she didn't want to turn them down again.  I said you can just say you didn't have it, but I didn't make a big deal of it because it was true she doesn't go out a lot.  But she does spend every dime she has on something or other then asks me to buy things at times which aren't necessary and I usually find a way to buy it since I don't give her money usually because I pay all the bills and everything for the house and take care of my son so usually I don't have anything to give.

So to this morning, I said I want to leave home 30 minutes earlier because I have a dentist appointment (I honestly forgot to mention it before and they only called me yesterday to remind me).  So she said you should have told me before and I said I forgot.  Then she told me she wants to send money to her sister and needs me to do it because she didn't have her passport, so I said you should have told me before partly being a smart ass because of what she just said to me, but partly I was not because I go to work late 1 hour late every day so I can take her since her work hours start after mine, but with the dentist appoint this morning I would be even later then she didn't even have the money on her so I had to go to her bank atm to get it then send it.  All that before I get to go to work.  So back to getting ready, she had more than enough time we got up the same time, today but usually i'm up long before.  I fed my son, washed the dishes 3 times because she fixed her breakfast, then  I washed, then made her lunch I washed them again, then I noticed it was a bunch of pots and other things (I feel like cursing just thinking about it) on the stove she used.  So i cleaned them too.  She would have cleaned them when she got home but she has seen for years I never leave dirty dishes hanging around all day and plus that harbors roaches (I saw one small one this morning) and other things and because I have a problem personally of washing a million dirty dishes at one time so I don't like to let it pile up (no i'm not a neat freak or anything but if it piles up and looks like crap i'm hate having to tough it).  So I got ready after and made my cereal and ate it in the car.  So I had to take her to work early.  In the car she felt I was being so mean to her because when she told me about the money I said didn't you just send money last week (usually its once a month), then she told me along with this week she also will be sending more next week.  She said I didn't even ask what the problem was when she mentioned it before.  I said you told me your brother is moving and I thought it was the same thing so anyways she said its not that its about her nephew.  She tried to go on and on about borrowing money from her work and I said I told you my opinion on it many times already (I said it was a bad idea but she keeps asking every 2 days).  I said just do what you have to do for your family and you can pay my mom back whenever you get it.  So she kept asking me about it and I could see where it would go so I just said I am not answering that question anymore.

I took her to work and she was complaining about how I took her early and now she will have to work extra time for them because I took her early.  I said I always go to work late when I drop you and I have to do other things for you like when you give me your check to cash and if that's a day i'm in school I am already out of work for three hours then I have to go to the bank for you or transfer money and I never complain and she could not see it my way.  She said you just complained, so I said "when, tell me what I said", she said you told me I could have sent the money to my family today without my passport because I showed them the passport before.  I said I was not complaining I was just letting you know that.  She said she couldn't do it anyways because that location is closed.

I went to my appointment and then went to do her transfer.  The amount she told me to take from her account wasn't even enough to pay the transfer fees but I didn't go back to take it from her account I put it from what I had which just happened to be exactly enough, it wasn't a lot like 14 bucks, but that was my lunch money for today and what would have been left represents every cent in my possession until the end of the month, I could use my credit card but that is very high and I have therapy bills and dentist bills before month end I will need to use it for.  At the end of it all I was just in a state of despair.  Even though her attitudes have been less and don't last nearly as long.  When I think of it I always say I can't do this forever.  Especially with my son, she has superpowers I swear.  He cant shower at night after a certain time because her super hearing will hear it even though the door is closed because the bathroom is right next to the room.  One night I was at the table with him and he was eating some chips, he opened it and it was not loud, I was at the same table and she was in the room with the door closed and burst out immediately saying he was making noise with the chips bag loudly on purpose to annoy her.  Her super smell always picks up things I can't and the air from the fan still can't touch her because it will make her sick.

I always write essays and it's much to read I know, but i hold a lot of stuff in and when I let it out it just comes out.  I feel like this is just sucking the life out of me.

[formflier]

Why not let her buy her own car... .and be completely involved, start to finish.  And you be completely uninvolved... start to finish.

Wouldn't that be simpler?

There is so much entanglement here... it's hard to sort it out.

FF

[TommyBahama]

Why not let her buy her own car... .and be completely involved, start to finish.  And you be completely uninvolved... start to finish.

Wouldn't that be simpler?

There is so much entanglement here... it's hard to sort it out.

FF

She didn't have the money and did not want to wait when I told her to wait.

[formflier]

She didn't have the money and did not want to wait when I told her to wait.

OK... .So... .why get involved.

You told her to wait... stick to your values. 

She doesn't want to wait... .why not let her stick to her values of not waiting?

FF

[TommyBahama]

OK... .So... .why get involved.

You told her to wait... stick to your values.  

She doesn't want to wait... .why not let her stick to her values of not waiting?

FF

You do have a good point and I am doing better at that than I used to but I just get tired of all the whining and complaining when I don't give in.

[formflier]

You do have a good point and I am doing better at that than I used to but I just get tired of all the whining and complaining when I don't give in.

I get that... why does she wine and complain?

Because it works.  Because you have trained her to whine and complain... because that how she gets what she wants.

Guess what... .?  If she wines and complains... .and doesn't get what she wants... .do you think she will continue?

Serious question.

There is a big "ah haaa" moment for many "nons"... .when the realize they actually have power.  You likely thought that you had no control over hearing hear whine and complain.

I see two pathways that BOTH get you away from the whining and complaining.

1.  Stop giving in.

2.  Stop listening (take ears elsewhere)

Then... (this isn't about "just stopping"), it's important that you offer relationship... that you "lean in".  So... .when she is being kind and not whining... .love on her... spend quality time together.

Let her connect the dots. 

You relationship will be dramatically different after consistent application of this for several months.

Thoughts?

FF