Seeking input/guidance. Should I be concerned about S3’s behavior?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello. I guess I’ll give a brief overview to begin. There is no court order on the custody agreement between his mother and I. I pay her child support each month. The current custody arrangement is that I have him for the first three weekends of each month (Fri. after work until Mon. morning) and every Tues. I wish I was with him every day, but from other experiences that I’ve read about how little time  a single father can have with his child/children, I’m pretty pleased. I also never turn down opportunities when she forfeits her time with him. It took a great amount of negotiating with an emotionally manipulative/abusive person to get to this amount of access to our Son. His mother has a habit of threatening to withhold our Son from me for whatever reason she sees fit. She uses this fear tactic as control, and it works for her. Our communication has been reduced to written correspondence that is passed through S3’s backpack. Although, there was a heated exchange initiated by her through email over the weekend. I’ve requested that we keep communication to written correspondence because things will be more of the same if we revert back to electronic communication.

The reason I’m reaching out here is because I’m not sure if I should be concerned with S3’s behavior. I understand at his age that he will act out at times, but he seems to have developed  a fairly bad temper. Fist clenching, growling and throwing things. Basically raging. I’ve only seen it get kind of out of control once, and this happened last winter so it’s been a while, and he has since matured.

He also seems to be increasingly emotional. An example is that we were having a conversation about why he was put in time out recently. I don’t overuse timeouts and made a choice to not spank him. I have spanked him in the past, but it’s not for me, and more importantly not for him. It makes him cry, and I don’t want to startle my Son into good behavior. I want to guide him through, as well as myself, the reasons why he and I had a communication breakdown that caused upset between us. After a timeout, we discuss the situation and it ends with a hug and an “I love you and I’m very proud of you.” It always concludes with affection. I’m trying my best to be a good parent. I got off track from my initial thought. During the discussion part of the timeout he became visibly overwhelmed. He was confused and threw himself into my arms. He just wanted to be held. I don’t know if I had somehow triggered him, or if he is starting to feel overwhelmed by the differences in the households that he is forced to switch back and forth between.

I’m sorry that this has become so long winded, and I’ll try to conclude it now. S3 has let slip instances of hitting and screaming while with his mom. From what I can gather, the reasons for the aggression towards him have been trivial and could very well be met with compassion if he was to do the same thing in the future. I know how confusing that can be because I experienced that throughout my childhood. There was no consistency. I have brought up the idea of play therapy to his mom, but she said that there was something wrong with me for wanting to put a 3 year old in therapy. My consideration of placing him in therapy has been supported by my T who actually recommended a child T that doesn’t work at her practice, and my sister who is a PhD in psychology.

Am I legally required to have his mother’s permission to try therapy for him? Can she block this? Also, if I am able to get him in to see someone, is it likely that she will try to coach him in what to say? A fear that I have is that this has the potential to open the can of worms for false accusations. She has threatened court often, as have I. My defense has been that her dirt comes out as well as mine if we go there. I get that this isn’t the best way to approach/react to her. My main concern is our Son and how he’s being affected by his mom and I no longer being together. It bothers him. He says as much in his own  words. I need guidance on this, please.

[JNChell]

Hello. I guess I’ll give a brief overview to begin. There is no court order on the custody agreement between his mother and I. I pay her child support each month. The current custody arrangement is that I have him for the first three weekends of each month (Fri. after work until Mon. morning) and every Tues. I wish I was with him every day, but from other experiences that I’ve read about how little time  a single father can have with his child/children, I’m pretty pleased. I also never turn down opportunities when she forfeits her time with him. It took a great amount of negotiating with an emotionally manipulative/abusive person to get to this amount of access to our Son. His mother has a habit of threatening to withhold our Son from me for whatever reason she sees fit. She uses this fear tactic as control, and it works for her. Our communication has been reduced to written correspondence that is passed through S3’s backpack. Although, there was a heated exchange initiated by her through email over the weekend. I’ve requested that we keep communication to written correspondence because things will be more of the same if we revert back to electronic communication.

The reason I’m reaching out here is because I’m not sure if I should be concerned with S3’s behavior. I understand at his age that he will act out at times, but he seems to have developed  a fairly bad temper. Fist clenching, growling and throwing things. Basically raging. I’ve only seen it get kind of out of control once, and this happened last winter so it’s been a while, and he has since matured.

He also seems to be increasingly emotional. An example is that we were having a conversation about why he was put in time out recently. I don’t overuse timeouts and made a choice to not spank him. I have spanked him in the past, but it’s not for me, and more importantly not for him. It makes him cry, and I don’t want to startle my Son into good behavior. I want to guide him through, as well as myself, the reasons why he and I had a communication breakdown that caused upset between us. After a timeout, we discuss the situation and it ends with a hug and an “I love you and I’m very proud of you.” It always concludes with affection. I’m trying my best to be a good parent. I got off track from my initial thought. During the discussion part of the timeout he became visibly overwhelmed. He was confused and threw himself into my arms. He just wanted to be held. I don’t know if I had somehow triggered him, or if he is starting to feel overwhelmed by the differences in the households that he is forced to switch back and forth between.

I’m sorry that this has become so long winded, and I’ll try to conclude it now. S3 has let slip instances of hitting and screaming while with his mom. From what I can gather, the reasons for the aggression towards him have been trivial and could very well be met with compassion if he was to do the same thing in the future. I know how confusing that can be because I experienced that throughout my childhood. There was no consistency. I have brought up the idea of play therapy to his mom, but she said that there was something wrong with me for wanting to put a 3 year old in therapy. My consideration of placing him in therapy has been supported by my T who actually recommended a child T that doesn’t work at her practice, and my sister who is a PhD in psychology.

Am I legally required to have his mother’s permission to try therapy for him? Can she block this? Also, if I am able to get him in to see someone, is it likely that she will try to coach him in what to say? A fear that I have is that this has the potential to open the can of worms for false accusations. She has threatened court often, as have I. My defense has been that her dirt comes out as well as mine if we go there. I get that this isn’t the best way to approach/react to her. My main concern is our Son and how he’s being affected by his mom and I no longer being together. It bothers him. He says as much in his own  words. I need guidance on this, please.

[worriedStepmom]

Does your son complain of tummy aches or other aches and pains, too?  My oldest alternated between rage and tummy aches to deal with her stress over the divorce.  I put her in play therapy right after she turned 5.  I know that 3 is the youngest age they'll take.

Do you ever take your son to the doctor or dentist?  Do you carry the insurance on him?  If so, even absent a custody agreement, you should be able to take him to a therapist unilaterally.

However... .this is going to really annoy and possibly trigger his mother.  My H's uBPDex had a total meltdown at the idea of her 11-year-old going to therapy.  It's been a really bad emotional dysregulation spiral over the last few months.  She is convinced that the therapist is evil and trying to steal her child. 

Are you prepared to go to court over therapy?  (Most courts LOVE therapy, but I don't know if they'll all order it for a child this young.)

My H sent SD11 to therapy anyway.  We take care to always schedule therapy sessions on times that she is with us.  Mom's attempts to interfere with therapy were so bad that we went to court and now my H has sole mental health decision-making responsibility.  Mom is still making daily efforts to poison SD11 against the therapist.  SD11 is old enough to resist... .a 3 year old will be much more inclined to believe mommy and be terrified of the therapist.  You should be prepared for that.

Under what conditions would you go to court to formalize a custody agreement and ask for more time?  I hope you are documenting her threats to withhold the child and all ties when she relinquishes her time with him.

[JNChell]

Does your son complain of tummy aches or other aches and pains, too?

Actually, he has been. Most times it’s because he needs to use the bathroom, but there are times that he goes through the motions of using the bathroom and nothing happens. Is there founded evidence on this?

Do you ever take your son to the doctor or dentist?  Do you carry the insurance on him?  If so, even absent a custody agreement, you should be able to take him to a therapist unilaterally.

I’ve never been to one appointment regarding what you asked. When his mother and I were together, she took care of that. I worked. It was an old school arrangement. She would inform me of any concerns and progressions. He’s on Medicaid through his mom. I tried to put him on my employer’s insurance at one point, but she refused. It’s probably better this way because my coverage is pretty bad, and it’s cheaper for him, obviously, to be on Medicaid and his coverage is better. I do have his insurance card in my wallet. I’m tempted to start taking him without his mom’s consent. I guess that I’ve come to the conclusion that it won’t matter if I seek agreement or not. My biggest concern is her interference in our Son’s well being.

I’ve been working on listening to my instincts. My instincts tell me that S3 needs an unbiased outlet. To be honest, I need it too.

[worriedStepmom]

Does your son complain of tummy aches or other aches and pains, too?

Actually, he has been. Most times it’s because he needs to use the bathroom, but there are times that he goes through the motions of using the bathroom and nothing happens. Is there founded evidence on this?

If you google "kid stress tummy aches" you'll find lots of articles that talk about the link between anxiety, stress, and tummy aches in kids.  My daughter was having daily tummy aches.

It's difficult with a 3-year-old to know where to draw the line and get therapy, as their language skills are so undeveloped.

I wish you the best of luck, and send lots of hugs S's way.

[Fie]

Hello JNChell,



I think you are very much tuned in to your son's needs. If you think he needs a therapist, I would say, go for it.

I have no idea about needing his mom's consent in the area where you live, but regardless of the legal stuff, I guess I personally if I were you would not ask for her consent. My guess is that she won't give it, and it will only stir up drama. Again, that's my personal feeling about it.

Therapy can be essential for someone's health. You also don't ask permission to feed him.

Is it necessarily the case she will find out if you took him to therapy ? Also, maybe he will only need a session or two ?

There is a lot of stuff you can do yourself, too. I read that you have a good bound with your son, and that you communicate a lot. That's priceless.
When I split up with the father of my child, I read books about the break up together with her. We read one book over and over again. It was about a little bear who's parents broke up. It comforted her to see that she was not the only one in this situation. I also told her a lot that the break up had nothing to do with her, as children always tend to think so. Also I was very firm in telling her that we would never get together again, so to not give her hope. And I told her that we would always, the both of us, be in her life.

Also I would say, yes, take him to therapy, but please don't overpanic. Tantrums are normal for toddlers his age. My daughter had a lot of them, she drove me crazy. Now she's this calm, balanced 10 year old.

I think you know what to do. I would say, trust your instincts. Keep us updated, if you want.

x

[JNChell]

I’m just scared and alone. I’m responsible for a child. I’ve been told how unworthy I am to fill my roll as a father. I’m not trying to bleed this out. Ive gotten good advice, but it is hard to make a solid decision. I don’t even know if I should.

[Fie]

I’m just scared and alone.

  I know the feeling.  You've got us here watching your back, you are not alone.

I’ve been told how unworthy I am to fill my roll as a father.

That's a very nasty thing to say and of course it's not true. Whoever told you this should be ashamed to say such things. Of course you are a good father, we all try our best, and from what I am reading here that's more than enough. Your son is lucky.

it is hard to make a solid decision. I don’t even know if I should.

If you have the feeling you cannot make a decision, how about addressing a child therapist yourself and ask for advice ?  This is what I did when I separated from my child's dad. Maybe it's not absolutely necessary that your son is going to therapy in person ? or not at first instance ? You can guide him via what the therapist told you ?

What do you think ?

[JNChell]

Fie, I think that’s a good recommendation. I would’ve never thought of that. Thank you. The thoughts of women and men have their logical place. The logic that you just gave me is useful. I would’ve never come up with it.