Here we go again, same ole’ same ole’, another meltdown.

[Red5]

Wow, what a mess ;(
She went off last evening, broke up several pots & plants, to include my ten year old money tree plant, she busted the head off my plastic pelican... .she tore down the squirrel feeder, .
Threw it all around the yard,
I feel pretty dazed this morning, ugh ;(
Sitting in the truck down here at the boat ramp... .
I hate typing on a cell phone,
Someone remind me WHY I am “tolerating” her... .
Ugh,
Red5

[Cat Familiar]

 I'm so sorry, Red5.     As to the reason you're "tolerating" her--you're a good guy.      And you've taken on the identity of being a caretaker for your son, and have picked her up as a hitchhiker as well. At least your son loves you and appreciates you.   

[BasementDweller]

Oh, Red. I'm so sorry to hear this. These moments are just awful. One of the last meltdowns my BPD ex had when I still lived there was to smash the weed trimmer violently against the ground until it broke into several pieces. I can sympathize with the "garden rampage" you describe.

Any idea what triggered it all? How are you now? Has she calmed down?

[Enabler]

Because if you caged it, you'd get arrested... .

... .I'm hoping the medicine of humor might help today.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Red5, Is it possible for you to leave the premises when the breaking starts?  If not, is there some other way to take yourself out of the line of fire?  It's a fine line, in my view, between destruction of property and physical abuse, so do what you need to do to protect yourself and your son.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

Hey Red5

I'm thinking along the lines of Lucky Jim.  I don't think you should "accommodate" this level of dysfunction.

Likely worth calling local authorities to understand how they would treat a call like that.  Last thing you want is for them to come and do nothing.

Did you video it?

The goal here is not to get her in trouble, it's that if you do take action, that it sticks and she "feels" the consequences of her actions.

I feel for you man... .give us an update when you can.

FF

[Red5]

Thanks everyone for reading and responding, it has been a helluva couple daze, I will come back when I can and relate the event as it unfolded, meantime, everything is all calm at the moment.

Watching u/BPDw careening and rampaging through our back yard on Wednesday afternoon... .that was something else, rare form... .reminded me of the old cheesy Godzilla movies I used to watch when I was a kid, .I always say; “If you can’t laugh a little then you are already dead”... .so enjoy this short video... .and imagine my W tearing asunder the squirrel feeder, the decade old money tree from its pot, and several other hapless targets of opurtunity, namely my poor plastic pelican... .well here it is, have a laugh on me and carry out the plan of the day,

 https://m.you.tube.com/watch?v=GnXaDKvterM

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Glad things are calm for the moment, Red5.  Your account of her rampage reminds me of a bunch of destructive raccoons.   

[jsgirl360]

Red5,

Thank you for the chuckle.  The video came at the perfect time. I had just returned home after a 16-hour shift, and BPDh is going through a particularly bad dysregulation. (I'll post about that more on the other thread.)

And by the way, my laugh wasn't on you... .it was at the expense of all the pwBPD's who act so foolishly.  (I have holes in the walls throughout my house as evidence!)

Hope you have a better Sunday. I know dealing with this stuff is awful and absurd.

[Red5]

Finally, able to have some privacy and write.

My u/BPDw’s daughter and her husband came to visit for a week, arriving a weekend (a week ago now).

Much preparation, planning, and cleaning before their arrival, things had been “ok” for a few days prior, nothing out of the usual flare-ups, behaviors.

They get here Sunday, all is good, I agreed to take off from work the middle of the week so that we could all go to see the seashore (lighthouse) and do the tourist thing.

Also agreed to leave work early two days to pick up S31(A=autistic) from school vocational program so u/BPDw could be at the beach with her D33 & H… no worries.

So Monday I take S31(A) to school, and I go to work, they go to beach, I get off early and pick up S31(A), and go home, no worries, so far so good… maybe a few foo triggers as u/BPDw’s foo wants to set up a diner to coincide with foo mum (MIL’s) b-day… not a big deal right?

Tuesday, same drill, except I don’t pick up S31(A), u/BPDw does, but I got word, at work that we were to have a very important meeting on Wednesday morning, as the big boss (HMFIC) will be in town, from the five sided puzzle palace up there by the Potomac river, a big deal, but remember the plans for Wednesday(?).  

So I met the crew at the beach, they are at a local brew joint, I approach cautiously, as I want to try to negotiate the Wednesday trip to the right one day, to Thursday, I sit down, and rest a spell, and have a drink before I “bring it up”… then I do it, I ask to move the event one day to the right, because x-y-z.

Step D33 say’s “no problem”, as the weather report does not look that great anyways, we can do something else on Wednesday, and enjoy the trip on Thursday instead, step D33’s H agrees, but NOT u/BPDw, NOPE… she starts to come unglued, but D33 “sooths her” a little, I try a little SET, and it works a little but… then we leave and go home.

That evening (Tuesday), u/BPDw starts back in on me… you promise to take a day off, you you you you !… I said ok, then let’s look at the weather again (JADE?)... sure enough, storms forecasted, step D33 to the rescue again… crisis averted…u/BPD w relents (for now)… time for bed.

Right about the time we are getting ready for bed, u/BPD w has some kind of immunotherapy side effect, she starts to shiver uncontrollably, her muscles tighten up, she can’t speak coherently… this goes on for about thirty minutes, step D33 (she is an RN) wants to take her to the ER, u/BPDw refuses, step D33 make me promise, if it happens again to wake her, and we’ll make her go, I agree, I stay up past midnight to ensure the episode has passed, she does not wake up anymore during the night.

Wednesday morning, I’m up early, got to be on my game for the big pow-wow, I get S31(A) up for school, and pack his lunch, u/BPDw comes into kitchen, and asks if I will take S31(A) to school again today, since I am a lying @SS, and do not keep my word #%$&*.

She starts to make me a sandwich for work, and all the while making snide remarks, comments, about how I care for the big boss more than my own family (I am the only one working in the marriage), this that and the other thing… blah blah blah… it starts raining outside.

I had; had enough, so I say, never mind the sandwich, I’ll do it myself, and I take it and throw it away in anger… then she takes the soup off the stove that I make every morning for S33(A) and myself to take to work school, and she dumps it down the drain… &#^$%

Then step D33 comes in and says “what’s going on”, and did I know the toilet is not flushing in the #2 bathroom… oh’ boy… I say, use the one in the laundry room, its working… u/BPDw keeps sending rude, and snarky remarks my way, I get S31(A) ready, lunch bags, work bags, and I leave the house.

Later at work, she texts bombs me, I ignore it, as Colonel Sanders is sitting in the office with me and Mr. S, and Mr. G… talking about space lasers, and moon bases and stuff… then she calls my work line… I answer, she says now none of the toilets are working, and she is calling her BIL whom is a septic tank man… and that she has also called another local “firm” (my contact) to see about coming out and see what is wrong… I suggested Drano… she hangs up on me… we finish our meeting, happy trails, and accolades are exchanged, and the Colonel departs the pattern… I also leave a short time later, I take

Thursday and Friday as leave… I go home and see what the heck is wrong with our sewer system… maybe somebody used paper towels to clean up their puppy poo (new grand dog is visiting), and then tried to flush it all down the toilet, a no no on a septic system… plus add, two more adults using the facilities on top of the regular usage (beach).

I get home, all hell is breaking lose, u/BPDw is on a rampage, step D33 is trying to “clam her”… u/BPDw lites into me, I ask the status of all toilets (3) in the house, step D33’s H speaks up, and says, “I just took a shower, and everything is working ok I guess” (?)… I call my “honey truck contact”… he agrees we may have a problem, beyond drano, he agrees to come out in a little while, and take a look.

I go to shed, get a couple tools of destruction, and go to the spot where the tomb of doom is located, I start to “find the edges” like on the Indiana Jones “movie”… about then u/BPDw comes out, and starts asking me (rapid fire) questions about what I am doing,  ... I say What the heck does it look like!… she says she “bought me a sandwich” for our outing tomorrow, to the seashore & lighthouse… she says; “see even when I’m mad at you, I am thinking of you”… flash the pretty brown eyes… halfhearted smile, and then she say’s ”can I help”… I say “sure”… just be careful ok, I got a shovel in my hands, and this is a septic tank ok,

She says, so what are you going to do, I say, It’s been years… its time I think, too many trains have left the station, I’m going to have Mr. J pump this baby out when he gets here, and I want to know if that track hoe that pulled that humungous tree stump outa the yard last February has damaged the drain lines… she says “drain lines?”… yes dear, they may have gotten crushed… we need to figure it out, we should not be having these “problems”… it starts raining again… NOTAMS!… (I think to myself)… even if I’d had not slid the outing to Thursday, it would not have mattered, as I would STILL be out here digging up the tomb of doom!… so I got a ration of $H1T for nothing…

She says, should I still have my BIL come over this evening, I reply, what’s the point, Mr. J and I will have this sorted out by this evening, and tomorrow… she says “TOMORROW!/?”… “but but, we are going to the lighthouse tomorrow”, I say thats fine, “but if I need to stay until this gets fixed, then that’s what I need to do right”… she EXPLODES!… and walks off about ten meters, and calls the BIL on the phone…

Right about then, I hear the honey truck pulling into the cul-de-sac… Mr.J, and his Son climb out, and come over, I explain what I know, he says, “we’ll suck it all all out, and see how them lines look”… “a track hoe huh”… “that would not be good for the drain lines”… might have one crushed down thar”… “I can fix it up for you, cost about eight hundred rubles”… I say “do we have a deal”… we shake on it, and work commences…

Right about then, u/BPDw comes up to the scene, as the hatch cover comes off, and the feeding tube is inserted, the pump on the honey truck roars to life, and so it begins… she says, so what is going on, I tell her what is going on, “we are going to “remove” everything, then he will come back tomorrow, and inspect/fix/repair the drain box, and the drain lines, and the hatch cover we just busted”… I had to explain it to her three times, she got angry, and said, that sounds like a lot of money, I’m calling my BIL again, and ask him if this is right (YEAH SHE SAID THAT TO ME), I said, uh… NO YOUR NOT!

She came completely unglued, as the foul odor emitted from the tomb of doom, and the hose slurped, and sucked, and made all kinds of unsavory sounds, as Mr.J, and his Son did their job… I stepped her off about ten meters, and said to her, LOOK, I made a deal with Mr. J, I trust him, he is going to do this job, that’s the end of it… understand… she stomped off, Mr. J and his Son smile at me and shook their heads… I gave them the thumbs up sign,

After it was all done, Mr.J said that he had to go for the day, as it was now past five in the afternoon, but he’d be back in the AM, and he would snake out out drain lines, and fix the transfer box if it need it… I said good to go!, I’ll bring you out a check to your place tomorrow afternoon, he said have a good time with your family, and we’ll be fine here… no worries.

They left, and the big rigs airbrakes gave a hiss, and it pulled away, many hundreds of pounds heavier now (yuk).

I went over to the shed, and sat under the porch, with my S31(A)… then u/BPDw comes out, and says, “I WANT YOU TO CALL V___ (BIL)!… I say “why?”… she says to me, V___ says that you are overpaying, and that this Mr.J is a substandard septic tank man… she continued…”HERE, CALL HIM BACK RIGHT NOW!”… I said no, NO!… and your idiot BIL can stay the H3LL outa my septic tank, how about that… YOU call him back, YOU called him in the first place, he just wants to make some $$ off of us… NO!… She stomped off again… This is where it gets “real”.

So me and the boy, S31(A) are there, watching the birds and squirrels, its hot and humid, I’m sweating like a… well never mind… So out the back porch door she storms, grabs the squirrel feeder by the back window, and hurls it across the back yard like a javelin.

Then she pulls up ALL the flowers in the flower bed under the picture window, and hurls them across the yard.

Then she grabs my ten-year-old money tree plant, and pulls it over, toppling it, smashing it to smithereens, then she dismembers it limb by limb.

Then she grabs my rain gauge and flings it across the yard.

Then she comes over to me and the boy, he actually acts scared, and puts his hands up ; (

… then she kicks over two small potted plants I had there on the corner of my shed porch, less than a foot away from my boots… CRASH!

Then she grabs up my poor little plastic pelican, and smashes him head first into the concrete, busting off is head, and his beak.

Then she storms off, but her D33 meets her at the back door, and say’s ”mom, STOP THIS !”… u/BPDw storms past her… then step D33 comes out to where we are at, and say’s what happened… I say, I wouldn’t call your uncle V___ back, and I shrugged my shoulders… Step D33 was speechless,  ... then she mutters, welcome to my childhood, and walks away, then stops and asks, “are you going to go out to eat with us”… I laughed, and said oh’ H3LL no!”… she grinned a little and walked away.

Then after about five minutes, u/BPDw returns, and walks up to me, and hands me a “note”, the note says… “I HATE YOU thanks for ruining my daughters vacation you’re an $$____”.

I laughed in her face.

… About ten minutes pass, I can hear yelling in the house, then u/BPDw returns to the scene of the rampage yet again, and asks me, “are you going out to eat with us”… I said “no friggen way sweetheart”… “forget it, I ain’t going NO WHERE with you EVER AGAIN!”… She turns and walks off, expelling a few four letter expletives…

They did not go out to eat, I took S31(A) to the bbq joint, then I came back home, and got him ready for bed, and made his lunch for the next day… u/BPDw comes into kitchen, and says, I don’t want you in my bed tonight, and since step D33 is here, I want you to sleep in your office… (this is a boundary for me)… usually I would say, “you don’t tell me where I sleep”, but since we have guests, I agreed… then she said to me, “are we still going to the lighthouse tomorrow”?… I said “sure you are”, she reply’s… “what about you”… I said “wow babe, you really have to ask that”, she went into the bedroom, and slammed the door…

Thursday morning… I am up early, u/BPDw cuts me off on the way to S31(A)’s room, and tries to get him up and ready to go with them on their outing, I cut her off, and say NO!… he ain’t going nowhere with YOU!… she immediately gets angry (its 06:15 in the AM)… no ma’am… not the way you’re acting, forget it !… Then she says, “so you’re not going either”… I reply, “like you’re surprised”… “you really think I am going to be around you all day today, hummpf!… NO “F” ing way… then she starts shouting at me… I ignore her.

They leave, step D33 looks at me, and just says sorry… step D33’s H just has an ashen look on his face, and says nothing.

I take S31(A) to his school, and I go to boat ramp, and I cry, I cuss, I bang the steering wheel… you see, I now realize it’s over, there has been far too much that has happened, this is no longer sustainable… I (we) are at the third stage of the break up now, past distain past contempt and past lack of respect, almost all the bad tabs are now checked…

Friday morning, S31(A) is off to school, and I come back home… u/BPDw is still po’ed that I did not allow S31(A) to go with her and step D33/H to the lighthouse, she won’t stop, we start another screaming match, step D33/H leave… I go out to shed/shop, and close the door, she follows, and corners me in there… I tell her to leave me alone, she won’t, she keeps it up, says many over the top vile things, I do not join in, I tell her not to corner me, I try to leave, she blocks my path, I move her out of the way, and go back into the house, she follows, she continues her verbal barrage… I finally have enough, and I go into some kind of sarcastic rant… I say lots of crazy stuff… I say to her, what will it take for you to stop, you want me to take all the blame, that’s fine, make a god damn list of things you want me to take the blame for, I don’t care anymore,  ... here… let’s do this, there was a pile of paper plates on the counter, I picked one up, and said here, what the first %$$#* thing, put it in here, and then I picked up a second paper plate, here’s another one, put another blame in here, I did this almost nine times… I said there, see, now I take the blame for all this… now… DON’T EVER BRING IT UP AGAIN I AM SICK OF THIS BS DO YOU UNDERSTAND !

She shoved them all off in the floor, and still she raved and ranted at me…  finally, she says to me, don’t’ you even love me… I laughed in her face, LOVE!… this is LOVE, HA!… you don’t have any f_k’ing idea what LOVE is do you?…

I went on, You have pushed me too far, I don’t care anymore… love my @SS… she says to me, “well I love you”…  I laughed like a mad man in a hurricane windstorm… I said to her, “ I really have no idea what love is anymore, if this is love, I don’t want any”… I continued… “I actually think I am going crazy, Jesus, after all the crazy $H1T I been though, it is a wonder I can even put a thought in front of a sentence, I am not fitting to be with anybody, this marriage is PROOF positive”… “at least the $H1T-ter works now”… and I walked out.

Then step D33/H came back home, and it was as if NOTHING had happened… yes that’s right, all smiles, and idle talk chit chat.

It was early afternoon, and u/BPDw had a doc apt resultant from the event Tuesday night, as usual, she won’t let me go, due to my bad behaviors, and since I am such an @SS _O_ I won’t be privy to any of the test results either… so u/BPDw says to step D33, why don’t ya’ll take Red5 here to the sandwich shop we went to on Monday, he will love it (?)… and I will see ya’ll after my doc apt, and then we will cook out this evening.

[Red5]

(cont) So its Friday evening, we fired up the gas grill, and step D33’s H showed off his grill talents, and cooked us all steaks, then BPD showed up again… I always clean the grill the next day, with the pressure washer… so u/BPDw decides she is going to clean it that very night, right friggen now... thirty minutes before sundown, I had stepped back into the house with S31(A), and step D33 comes in and asks me, “what is mom doing”, I say I don’t know… wow, she’s got the pressure washer out (really), she is really going to do it right now, only she don’t know there is no gas in the gas can  , sure enough, the gas can comes flying out of the shed… maintaining altitude and airspeed… across the yard, and almost takes D33’s H out… D33 is like “really mom”, “why now”, D33 immediately gets cussed for her impertinence… yeah wow…

After u/BPDw tears outa the drive way to “buy more fuel”… I am sitting in the office, and step D33/&H comes in and asks me if I’m ok… and “what was that all about”… I say I am not too sure what it’s about this time… but you know, I have been siphoning gas outa the boat for months now… don’t tell your mom that though , there is no reason she had to do it tonight, or go uptown to buy a half gallon of gas… D33 tried to engage me in grownup talk about her mom (Triangulation), and I told her what has been going on (years, but she already knew/knows), she again said she was sorry, and that she understood what I was dealing with, I told her it is what it is… and that I am pretty much trapped (caretaker)… then u/BPDw came back home, and I went to take care of S31(A) and get him off to bed.

Saturday, they all got up and went to the beach one last time as step D33/H were leaving on Sunday AM. I slept in, as I seem to rest much better on the leather couch in the office, so me and S31(A) got up, and sat on the back porch, and drank coffee and watched the birds and squirrels. We went out to the beach a little while later, and “joined up”, then out to eat a little lunch prior to MIL’s mandatory b–day dinner uptown.

Saturday evening… the time drew nigh, and we left the house for MIL b-day dinner, at tejas steakhouse, I had a feeling that BPD would show up again, at this event, so I elected to drive separately with S31(A)… and I was correct.

A few days back, u/BPDw had attempted to reserve the “big room” in the back for her foo mums b-day diner, about fifteen people, the matron said that they do not make reservations, but if everyone arrived to be seated by five pm, they should be good to go… so we rolled up, and there were already foo present… but NOT in the big back room, but in the upper seating area… no worries right… oh’ no… u/BPDw expressed her absolute disbelief that she had been ignored, and immediately sought out the matron/manger to give her a thorough dressing down… even as foo said… “NO… Its ok, we can all sit here, it’s just fine”… to no avail, so after she was finished, and she could not do the BPD ditch, and walk out and walk home (victim)… she just sat there, next to her BIL V____ and his W at the far other end of the table… and next to her nephew; who told her, gee thanks auntie Q, now they are going to spit in my food ! … I sat with uncle R and S31(A) at the extreme -> other -> end of the table so u/BPDw could not micromanage the rolls… so u/BPDw ordered and ate nothing, not even a drink… she just sat there… in protest… no one noticed or cared.

After the meal, and the cake, we all departed, and on the way out every single foo member stopped, and profusely apologized to the matrons, the waiters, and even the manager on duty for my u/BPDw’s behaviors… can you believe that !

That night, as we were sitting in the living room, u/BPDw had another episode of the shivers, But still refused to go to the ER as her D33 highly suggested… step D33/&H departed two hrs past midnight the next morning, and returned home.

Sunday… got up, ST in effect; got ready for and went to Church, lunch, and grocery shopping with S31(A), u/BPDw refused to go, or even be seen with me, or even talk to me all day… I’ve been on my couch since Wednesday night, but I do seem to sleep better in there.

This morning, more of the same BS… yes, I am at stage III of the breakdown/breakup I think, and I see no real way to turn it around at this time…

I am out of ideas, out of ability to further engage, I just don’t care anymore ; (

Thoughts, comments welome ?

Thanks for listening, sorry soo long ; (

Red5

[AskingWhy]

Red, I am so very sorry this is happening to you.  

All of the rage seems to be projected rage--and you're the end target.

In my own marriage to uBPD/uNPD H, I see the same dynamics.  

I am sorry you are seeing the futility of the situation.

Your W dysregulating with the violence to the plants and plastic pelican (although almost comical if it wasn't so frightening) is really a sign of just how unhinged she can be.  Imagine my situation--a woman with a raging 180-pound man throwing furniture across the room and breaking it.  It's really the same dynamic--and your W is projecting her rage at these objects and to you.  Last week, my H threw furniture and then, in a rage, pushed some other furniture around and discovered some dust under them--then raged at me for being such a p***-poor housekeeper.  At least her D33 knows something is wrong.  In my family with uBPDH, his children side with him because he bad-mouths me to them.  I am sure they'd would approve it he gave me a black eye.  There are all, I suspect, in the PD spectrum.

I think in one of my previous post that I am in the situation of the slow death of my marriage and each day the marriage (my caring for my H) is lessening degrees.  I suspect one day I will wake up and nothing will be there for him.  I will be off to my lawyer's and getting him served.  That is, of course, unless H devalues me first and gets me served.

The worst thing, for me, about having a BPD spouse, is seeing all the signs there and knowing it's BPD, and knowing I can do nothing about it.  My H is the way he is.  The only option I have is how I choose to deal with it.

I am sure you have read "Eggshells" and I hope you have read Bill Eddy's "Splitting."  

[Red5]

Hello AskingWhy,

I am sure you have read "Eggshells" and I hope you have read Bill Eddy's "Splitting."  

I have not read "Splitting", .I need to put that on the read list.

You know, I used to journal some, .but like reading older post here, that I have written, it actually made me physically sick to re-read all the -bs- that has gone on in my mariage, I could not do it anymore... .

Please take note that you are never alone AskingWhy, we here are all with you, and as well each other in spirit, every hour of everyday.

My co-worker came up with something cool, I'll share, an acronym g-o-l-e... .

Which means, "go on living everyday" !

I like this, and this is what I am doing now, today... .I just "keep on going... .and living everyday" !

Kind regards!

Red5

 

[jsgirl360]

Yikes. I just read your post. I give you so much credit for dealing with this all week. You must be exhausted.

The fact that BPDw behaves in this manner so openly around her daughter,  and her daughter's reaction, shows that this has probably been a lifelong behavior pattern for BPDw.  From what you described,  your step-son-in-law will be telling horror stories about his MIL. He just sounds stunned.

Just be sure to remind yourself that the cause of this chaos is nothing you did.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dearest Red-

Man oh man... .I am so sorry you found yourself in the vortex of that BPD Storm for as long as you did.  I thought most outbursts were reserved for us “special” people, but your BPDw and someone else I know (my sister) seem to really spread that “love” around... .even to strangers.

Throughout her raging and horrid actions, I am left with two images - both with you and your beloved S31(A).  The first is where your S31 put up his hand to ward off her rampage in the backyard - to protect you and himself.  He knows more than she thinks. 

The second is this beautiful image of you and S31(A) calmly sitting on that back porch watching the squirrels and birds... .coming back to center.  Just being quiet together enjoying your coffee and some peace.

Whatever road you decide to take, you’ll have lots of people walking the path alongside you.  I believe you are a hero.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Enabler]

Dude, sounds like Mrs Red has gone nuclear. I feel for you buddy.

I'll mention for the sake of mentioning, but I am sure you're aware... .there's heaps of invalidation in the he said she said and general interplay, especially re the BIL coming to have a look at the tank. Easily done and not many alternative approached, especially when she's trapping off about things she has no technical knowledge over (been there on virtually all man tasks... .apparently we need professional advice to tell me where I need to prune a tree back, despite I can see the stumps where it was pruned back before and proceeded to grow back a further 15ft).

I'm going to put a silver lining on this... .the Step Daughter... .that sounded like a conversation you need to follow up on. Not only is she an allie (not suggesting you should try and triangulate her into conflict), but she may also be seeking understanding about her own upbringing. She can clearly identify the issues and may well have spent many years personalising the accusations... .  you may well be unlocking significant amounts of personal truth for her. This is not without it's risks obviously.

Great work standing strong the following day. Yes, wording could have been better, but there were consequences.

Enabler

[formflier]

I am out of ideas, out of ability to further engage, I just don’t care anymore ; (

Hey Marine!     

Ugg... .wow... what a few days.   I'm sorry you went through that.

As you reflect on this and think about things... .ask yourself a couple of questions.

Did she get what "she wanted" or "BPD wanted"?  (sometimes hard to split those up)

Did you get what "you wanted"?

I see that you are questioning your "ability" to engage.  That's an important question.  I hope you will question "whether you should have engaged or not?".

I too like the picture of you and your son doing your best to return to center, sitting on the porch.

Think it's time to "debrief" the mission.  Perhaps look at a couple of incidents and ask yourself "should I have engaged or not?"

For the places you engaged... what was the result?

No rush on this... take a few days.

Best to you Red5... .hang tough.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I'm going to put a silver lining on this... .the Step Daughter... .that sounded like a conversation you need to follow up on. Not only is she an allie (not suggesting you should try and triangulate her into conflict), but she may also be seeking understanding about her own upbringing. She can clearly identify the issues and may well have spent many years personalising the accusations... .  you may well be unlocking significant amounts of personal truth for her. This is not without it's risks obviously.

As a daughter of a crazy BPD mom, I can't tell you enough how validating it was to me to have outside people give me "the look" or even speak a few words regarding my mother's behavior. Growing up, I was the "identified patient" and my behavior was scrutinized, examined, dissected--by my mother. It took years for me to fully accept that "it wasn't me, it was her" and even now, I'm prone to accept fault first instead of looking at the situation more objectively--hence 2 BPD husbands! 

So sorry you and you son went through this  -show. PwBPD certainly know how to grind you down.     

It sounds like you're running on fumes with this marriage, Red5, and it's completely understandable. Do you think it's possible that her cancer treatment could exacerbate some of the bad behavior--either chemically and neurologically or emotionally, pondering the what-ifs? Regardless it's just plain  that she's treating you, who is trying to help and support her, this way!   

So sorry, Red5.

Cat

[Lucky Jim]

It sounds like you're running on fumes with this marriage, Red5,

Hey Red, Agree with Cat Familiar.  Be careful about taking care of yourself and making sure you have opportunities to recharge.  In my marriage to my pwBPD, I depleted my inner resources and ran myself into the ground.  It's not fun to hit bottom, believe me.  I suggest that you put yourself first, my friend, which is not as easy as it sounds in the midst of the BPD tidal wave.

LJ

[Red5]

Evening 99!

Wanted to thank y’all for the support Inhave received here, thank you !

Nice to know I am not complete crazy,

Today I made a call, and made an appointment with a T here in town, you know I have not darkened the door of a T’s office on over sixteen years... .so I reckon I way over due... .ya think?

Anyways... .I ain’t telling her I’m doing this, this is going to be about me, my thing, I’ll pay in greenbacks so she won’t see it on the bank statements... .I selected a much older gentlemen who’s bio looked well established... .so tommorow morning is the first appointment... .

So here we go... .

It’s been quiet round here, I’m sleeping on my leather couch in the office, u/BPDw is pretty much leaving me and the boy alone.

It’s “grey rock” around here... .and I’m liking it, I don’t even know where to begin to try and fix any of this up, .I’m still very angry at her ; (

Anyways I love y’all ! Thanks for being here for me, it sure meant a lot to have feedback... .y’all are as good as gold !

Red5 Out

[formflier]

I don’t even know where to begin to try and fix any of this up,... .I’m still very angry at her ; (

 

Red5,

Please bring this up to T tomorrow.

Might even want to show him this. 

do you see how there is an "assumption" that you should be fixing... .you just don't know where or how?

I hope an early goal is to gain wisdom about "when to fix" and "when to give them space"

I'm proud of you Red5!

Solid work!

FF

[AskingWhy]

Red5, I am glad you are finding a T to help you sort things out.

I am sure you have heard of the term "crazy making" in regards to living with a pwBPD.    You know the dynamics at work in your R/S, but it helps to have an impartial professional guide you.  It's important to have a T with experience with personality disorders.  Otherwise, it can be a disaster.  (H and I had a marriage counselor with an LCSW who fell for the lines of my uBPD/uNPD H and she fell for them hook, line and sinker.  *I* was made out to be the crazy party.  BPDs can manipulate even mental health professionals.)

Once you get validated by your T, you won't feel as crazy, but more like an ordinary person with an unhealthy marriage. 

You are very angry for being in a situation like this.     You have every right to have a sane, loving marriage--not a wife who melts down when she feels like it.

The hardest part of loving a pwBPD, I think, is trying to remember that it's not their fault in many instances.  They have been patterned to behave this way.  For the most of them, they are terrified not only of what they do but have no idea who they are.  They are really actors in a play reading lines they have improvised, and chameleons for faking a "real personality" depending on the company they are in.  After raging at me and telling me he is going to find an attorney and have me served for divorce, H will be pleasantly talking to one of his adult children on the phone as though he didn't just talk about ending his marriage.  The next day, he will be sending me funny e-mails and asking if he needs to get groceries on the way home.  Totally Jekyll and Hyde. 

As you know, I am getting tired of being the emotional punching bag for my H when he has had a bad day, or when he hates the world, hates getting older, or when he needs someone to blame for his rotten childhood, horrible parents and his X W's adultery.  I deserve a sane husband and right now it's like being married to a volatile teenager of 14.

You will feel better in the guidance of a good counselor.  One bit of advice:  not all therapists are a good fit.  Much like marriage, you have to interview several to get feel who is most empathetic to your experiences.  If you are not totally comfortable with your T, you may wish to interview another.

Best of luck, and best wishes.   

[BasementDweller]

Good luck with your therapy appointment, Red - I hope you find that having an impartial person to vent your frustrations to, and also get some feedback from on how to address some of this madness will be therapeutic.

I have to admit, I too, like some others here, laughed hysterically at your description of the garden rampage your wife went on, with the coup de grace being the brutal decapitation of the lawn flamingo. The Godzilla video was a nice touch and I have always loved that BOC song. And yes, I pictured your wife, never seen her, so I envisioned a slim woman of medium height with brown hair who looks extremely "normal" but became a raging bull and thoroughly destroyed the yard. I have a vivid imagination, and will very much be able to "see" descriptions of things that I read.

But, it's really no laughing matter. BPD is no joke and it causes major destruction. My ex smashed my weed trimmer to smithereens while rampaging in our backyard as well, shortly before our break-up. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, run, scream, etc... .it was... .bizarre.

I totally feel you, man, and I hope you are able to find a good outlet with your new T where you can start processing some of this, and finding effective ways to survive it. 

[XSurvivorX]

Good Luck Red5 -

Reading your yard-rage sadly reminded me of the many'atime plates, drinking glasses, photo frames, and the occasional light furniture went soaring across the room in my house (sometimes at me).  Your description did add some much needed levity to what honesty, are frightening things.

I spent a LOT of time in Iraq dodging bombs and bullets, but watching that woman hurl things are me and around our house was more scary than any firefight I ever had.  I think because in the war, as ironic as it sounds, I had a some semblance of control. I had my own weapon, and I had the support from those around me, of course!

In my marriage I was entirely unarmed/disarmed. No way to live.

Truly wishing you the best -

[Enabler]

This is my 3rd attempt at writing a response to this... .I'm frustrated (for you) as to how you put the pain back in their court.

She trashes the garden, there's no legal recourse and besides, pulling in the fuzz to a domestic garden trashing is probably going to do more harm to your peace and tranquility in the medium term than good... .so you make her replace everything... .that's a hit to you by default anyway. You can't force her to do any shifts to work and pay for the replacements.

She screams in a restaurant... .you would normally walk out, instead the rest of the family apologize for her rather than take her by the scruff of the neck and sling her out the saloon (I went a bit ye haaa yank there).

How does one put consequences on our pwBPD? All roads end up leading to the nuclear button of the big D... .when it doesn't feel like it should do.

[Red5]

99,
Appt over... .it was gtg!
He validated my suspected dx of W.
Only got a sec, .as I ride down the road from Morehead to Cherry Point on my way into work, with Blue Oyster Cult blasting in my ears... .
I feel good, this T is going to be gtg,

Will write more later when I can, bluf is I got “confirmation” that the cheese hasn’t slipped off my cracker...

Ya’ll all have a wonderful day and I hope the sun is shining bright on all of you !

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

I’m so glad you found a good T, Red5!   

Having a smart, objective T has helped me tremendously, in addition to participating here. People who don’t understand BPD just haven’t a clue about what we’re dealing with and it sounds like this guy is well versed in BPD! 

Cat

[Red5]

... .just got a sec, time to leave work soon... .wish I could stay ?

So I get a call from udxBPDW... .they are paving our street in front of our home (cul-de-sac)... .she had to leave to pick up S31(autistic) from his school... .she is all pissed, frantic, upset... .

Says when she came back, to pull into our street, the flagman says... ."you cant go down there lady"... .of course she let him have it I guess, and said something like, "I live down there"... ."what am I supposed to do"... .so she ignores the flagman... .and drives around him... ... .this is just a single lane dead end to a cul-de-sac street, no big deal right... .hmmm,

They started sweeping this morning as I was leaving for work, they stripped it off last week... .and I had told her to pull her jeep into the garage also this morning (sweeper machine) as it (the jeep) might get a dusty coat... .I dunno if she did or not, see she won't park in the garage all week because she's mad at me for telling her, "this is my house" when we had the big septic tank altercation above"^

Anyways, the asphalt truck & paver was along side our driveway she said, and they tried to stop her as she came down the street, we are talking about 3k feet, so she just pulled up into the side yard, across the front, and into our driveway (she says)... .

So her and Son 31 autistic get out, and go into the house... .of course he's enamored with the truck and the machines... .

Then (she says)... .their was a knock at the door, It was two men, reflective vested, with joe dump truck driver hard hats on (my words )... .

She says that one was the "boss", .and he was very angry at her "blowing off the flagman"... .and he says to her... .  "LADY! there could be a $500.00 fine (state law?) for doing such a thing"... .

hmmm, .I used SET!

*Sorry this happened, are you ok?
*What exactly did the man say, was he rude, did you get his contact, is he still there, do I need to come home?
*Ok, no other contact?, .that was it, he was just upset you blew past the flagman?
*You say you didn't... .hmm ok,
*No cops?, no paperwork?k, you sure you don't want to come home right now... .ok... .bye then, be home in a little while,

She says, .he said... .that the flagman claims she tried to run him over !

hmmm, she might have !

BPD !

Its almost funny to me... .but its not, we have to live in the neighborhood.

There was no warning or notice other than the ole' boy ask me the other day to move my old Silverado outa the street, and I happily obliged, .no word was passed as to when they were going to begin... .

I guess she got into a pissing contest with the "boss"... .she said they just walked away... .of course my stray dog/attack dog was going O_F_F!   

What I woulda done was just park along side the street that connects to ours, a job is a job right, PROGRESS !... .  I woulda said... .y'all have a good day now, sure is hot out here... .and we appreciate your paving up our old street, y'all want some water or something... .

BUTT NO!... ."we" got to get all feisty and do What the heck we want to !   

Going home now, .so the gray rock/ST is now broken because she needs me to stick up for her, as she's piss'ed  off somebody else, a complete stranger... .yup... she's gonna try it... .I guarantee it !

It will be "like it never happened", and NO resolution to the tomb of doom incident... .geezz, I can sure call'em now >: (

Red5

[pearlsw]

Hey Red5,  

It's been awhile, but wanted to say hi while I'm in the neighborhood!  

Ah, those ever lovin’ septic tanks! Only 800 rubles sounds like a smashing deal! I’ve paid a ton more for that kind of suckage/emergency! Freakin’ paper towels and those who think they go down toilets. Grrrrr. ;)

I remember Godzilla and wondered what became of her! ;)

Ah, the joy of the guest visit and how that leads to dysregulation. May no good deed ever go unpunished!

All kidding aside I am so sorry to hear this! (and it how it continues to roll on... .Glad to hear you got to see a T though!)

Sorry about the garden destruction! I’m so lucky (knock on wood) I never experienced any destruction. Just one time all the plastic containers were suddenly moved in a dramatic sweeping fashion from the kitchen counter to the floor and one time all of my clothing drawers were removed and set in another room and I was being told to leave I think. My experiences tended to be a lot of one and done dramas, no repeats, and were followed by regrets and apologies. At least I had that!  

I know how shell shocking the drama can be though. It rises, escalates, it is hard to fully regulate one’s emotions because WTH and then it is just off the charts. When I get to the point I can’t control myself as easily it really means something is wrong because my default setting is monk like calm. I need more down time to reflect and regain my balance because I know I can control myself. It’s not good to let it get to that place where we return even a small amount of fire - sarcasm, insults, anger, etc.  Better to walk away when you can, if you can. I know that won’t always work. I have not been allowed to walk away at times and that is when things were the worst.

As you know, you can only control yourself... .so good to get that piece back into place. It's okay to be mad, but one must keep a handle on one's self control. So glad you have the therapist to help you. You need to be heard and understood and it's always great to have that extra guidance when you feel trapped and doomed. I know how painful it is to not feel understood and respected and that is when I get to my limits as well.

wishing you peace of mind and sending love, pearl.