Digging up old bones ...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Saw another post on another board about journaling, keeping track, and "counting up the times"... .trying to figure out things... .

So, that led me out here in the proverbial "back yard" digging up old bones... .and look what I found... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317371.msg12918126#msg12918126

Bless me oh' conflicted board, for I have sinned... .I have gotten myself back into the ST zone yet again, one more time... .time served this time, thirteen daze, and counting ; )

Well... .seems not much has changed has it  !

That was almost a year ago now... .November'ish ?

Red5

[Red5]

Saw another post on another board about journaling, keeping track, and "counting up the times"... .trying to figure out things... .

So, that led me out here in the proverbial "back yard" digging up old bones... .and look what I found... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=317371.msg12918126#msg12918126

Bless me oh' conflicted board, for I have sinned... .I have gotten myself back into the ST zone yet again, one more time... .time served this time, thirteen daze, and counting ; )

Well... .seems not much has changed has it  !

That was almost a year ago now... .November'ish ?

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

OK, so now you know things are rather stable, not in a good way, what do you envision the future holds?

I know you're a devoted husband and that you take your marital vows seriously. Also you are a dedicated caretaker for your autistic son and now your wife has become part of the package deal of those to be cared for.

You cannot see yourself abandoning her while she's in the midst of Stage 4 Cancer treatment, but not to be indelicate--what is her prognosis? If it's possible that she lives for many years, can you see yourself in this position a decade from now? You'd be in your 60s and your son would be in his 40s. He is a responsibility that brings you joy and companionship, but what does your wife bring you?

Sorry that these questions are so pointed.   

Cat

[Red5]

Thanks Cat !  

Sitting here at work, the place is deserted, .Marines are on a "96", .no one around & my co-worker took the whole week off... ..supposed to be working on this release and control checklist ; )

... .J-Cash (Rowboat) is playing on the ipod docking station "

... .Rowboat - Row me to the shore - She don't - Wanna be my friend no more - She dug a hole - In the bottom of my soul - She don't -Wanna be my friend no more... .

OK, so now you know things are rather stable, not in a good way, what do you envision the future holds?

(A)... .more of the same, with extra credit, as "no good deed goes unpunished"!

I know you're a devoted husband and that you take your marital vows seriously. Also you are a dedicated caretaker for your autistic son and now your wife has become part of the package deal of those to be cared for.

(A) All True !... .Guilty As Charged !

You cannot see yourself abandoning her while she's in the midst of stage IV cancer treatment, but not to be indelicate--what is her prognosis? If it's possible that she lives for many years, can you see yourself in this position a decade from now? You'd be in your 60s and your son would be in his 40s. He is a responsibility that brings you joy and companionship, but what does your wife bring you?

(A) The ACC reports the percentage of people living five years or more after diagnosis according to stage IV is 8 %. The five-year survival rate is currently estimated at 10 %percent, she was dx two years ago, and has had surgery so far to remove one effected xxxx... .it has spread to her xxxx, she is on her third treatment regime, .results are that she is currently stable, but prognosis is "reoccurring". All in all, not great, but good (stable) at the moment.

This is grownup stuff here... .I'm scared for sure, my mind races when I spend to much time thinking about it.

S31(a) is however my primary concern, as he would be utterly helpless without me... .his (sis)S25, and (brot)B28 have told me that they would step up if I were to expire, .they love their Brother (wow tears, thx Cat! :hug... .I have financial provisions in place for him, for life, should I depart the pattern early God forbid.

Ten years... .can I hold out that long, as she descends in her "orbit"... .I have a lot to think about, and I must be prepared. The BLUF is this, she has no other medical insurance other than mine, as I am retired mil, and we are indeed married. I am not going to push her out into the highway, or drop her off at the bus station, her foo (mum[MIL] & sis#2 only) may help her to an extent if I were to depart the pattern, either naturally, or after the she left on her own; her two grown children do have their own lives now of course, but guess what... they "know" about mom, (her)D33 is an RN, and we are in agreement irt BPD suspected (yeah wow!)... .(her)S30 is also in the know to an extent, .I have been told by the S30 that I am a "saint" if you can friggen believe that... .yeah, "I don't know how you do it" they both have said to me on several occasions... .(wow! & Wow).

Ten years... .maybe not that long, Jesus (knows)... .I got a lot to deal with.

BLUF is that the survival rate for beyond stgIII r-c-c is not good, and she is stgIV

Sorry that these questions are so pointed.  

No worries Cat... .and thank you  !

That's all I got for now... .just keep on keeping on (GOLE), she ain't going to leave, but who knows really right, foo mum is now (apparently) independently wealthy (?), after her H#2 passed a few weeks back... .so who knows... .and where is my hope, my happiness, .it's in there someplace... .next to all the other spare parts and $H1T... .that I got rolling around in my poor little broke down after market plastic heart... . 

... .but what does your wife bring you?

(A) Pain !... .pain; in my heart, in my neck, in my head, and in my A$$, and in other places either aforementioned, .or not.

Red5

[Red5]

So tonight, .after I get home from work she tells me that S31(a) is going out on an “outing” with his crew in the morning (day vocational program/special needs school)... .says the asst. director wants to take them all to Mickey Dee’s for coffee and a b-fast biscuit... .keep in mind we are in LC/ST for today makes thirteen days.

I say... .“ok” and that’s it.

Then later she comes out with “I have an appt. at the dealer for the recall on my JeepGC, it’s at 14:30, it is supposed to take two hours, so do you want me to take your S31(a) with me or do you want to leave work early and pick him up?

This is the most she’s said to me since last week sometime... .

I respond, “you pick him up and I’ll be home by quarter past two so you can make your appt.”... .she says nothing, I’m at the sink washing up mine and the boys lunch boxes... .I finally say, “ok then... .readyyyy break!, see at 14:15 then” and that was it for a while... .

She goes out to eat, I fix me and the boy supper, fish, corn and potatoes... .then we make his lunch for the next day, and then he’s off to brush his teeth and get his pj’s on... .I clean up kitchen... .

She gets back home, and says to me... .“Miss. L says they need about two dollars for in the morning if you want him to participate... .you should put it into an envelope or just give it to J and he will give it to Miss. L”... .she stands there waiting for my response... .I look at her and give the “thumbs up sign” but say nothing... .she stomps off... .

Later on, she comes back into the kitchen again where I am and says... .“what is your work extension” (of course she ALREADY knows what it is, and has for years now)... .I tell her “XXX-XXXX... .what do you need it for?”... .she tells me and says... .“I’m signing up for a trail treatment in DXDXDX, .ok... .do you even care Red5?”... .

I do not respond, so she try’s to corner me in the kitchen... .she says, “DO you even care?”... .

So I respond, .“ look Q, I told you last week ok, so I’ll say it again, I want you to be alright, I want you to get well, we all do... .I want you to be happy, safe, and secure... .I don’t want you to have to worry about anything... .that has never changed... .I mean that ok”... .

She just stood there... .tears start welling up in her eyes... .she says... .“I love you Red, don’t you know that?”... .I took moment to respond, .“look Q, I’m pretty beat up right now”, .I stared off past her... .”I’ve a lot to think on, I am tired of all this fighting and I need a break, .ok?”... .

Then she comes out with, .“I’m tired too Red, and I’ve been looking at houses down in Alabama.”... .she waits for a reaction from me... .she doesn’t get one... .

*This is where her D33 lives with her new H... .”lower Alabama”... .

I did not say anything else, I went to get the boy off to bed.

No more interaction... .she goes off to the bedroom... . closes the door,

Hmmmm, Dothan Alabama... .

That’s practically home to her, .her and H#1 wound up there when he retired from the army, before they divorced and she moved up here to be around her foo... .and she met me... .I was bf#5 in one years time, post divorce, hmmmm... .found out all about that way later... .she used to talk way too much when she was drinking her wine... .

... .she always used to tell me that we should move back there to “Babalama” or our “forever home”... .I have other ideas however... .not it’s not “lower”  _Alabama_... .

So what was all that?... .

Did I just get a small hint there?

Is she about to “pull chocks” on me?

Hmmmm,

What do y’all think ?

Red5

[2020]

Hello Red5,

I have just found your posts. I just wanted to let you know I feel your pain. I have an autistic son and it makes it extra difficult when you are in relationship with a partner with BPD. I really like the way you write though- you have great style! As it looks like I'm getting the cold shoulder treatment today, for however many days, I shall read through your posts. I expect it may be like looking into a mirror.

As for pulling the chocks; who can tell? I have this happen regularly. It can be really heart wrenching and rob you of your sleep. So far, even after months of no contact in the past, I am still kept on the burner.

I am going to read of your experiences now and hopefully learn something. Take care of yourself... .


EDIT: Red5, I have just seen your checklist in that boneyard... .I am guilty of just about all of it. Time to go back to bed and crawl under the covers.

[AskingWhy]

Red, journaling is a great way to keep track of a spouse/partner's dysregulating.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-health-benefits-of-journaling/

With the Jekyll and Hyde nature of BPD, it's easy to forget how awful the pwBPD can be when they are in their loving Dr. Jekyll persona and not dysregulating.

My journal goes back at least six years, and I have resumed making entries in the last month.  I can see a pattern now.  I can relive the hurt and tears when H threw objects, destroyed my property, punched holes in walls, broke things and threatened to divorce me.  (So far, I have not been served with papers.)

About six years ago, after a particularly nasty episode of dysregulation, I cried my eyes out until I was nauseous.  After that, I resolved never again to have him hurt me that deeply.  I recovered my self esteem and now H can no longer hurt me with his rages, insults and hurtful comments.  When H throws insults at me, I just look at him unmoved and like he's crazy... .because he is. 

[formflier]

Hey Red5

I think you did good not "taking the bait" on the Alabama thing.

My guess is the was dangling the thought of leaving out there to "get a reaction from you".


How involved are you in your wife's treatment?  Do her cancer docs understand how unstable her moods are?


So... .I'm trying to figure out "the right thing to do" here and as we all know, many times "doing the right thing" is unpopular (to be polite).

I'm thinking it would be a good idea for you to go with your wife to see her treatment team and ask the question about a possible increase in her chances with a more relaxed mood.

Big picture:  let them know what you observe... .ask if there are things you can do to help.

   

Sorry this is all on your plate... .

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I like FF's suggestions about providing info to the cancer docs. And if she's unwilling to have you sit in on an appointment, certainly you could do a little detective work and discover contact info for her docs and give them a call. I've done that with my husband's doctor because I know he presents a skewed perspective about himself, as typical pwBPDs do. Much better for a doc to get a broader understanding of a patient than what they see in the limited time they spend with them during an office visit.

[Red5]

Hello Red5,

I have an autistic son and it makes it extra difficult when you are in relationship with a partner with BPD.  

EDIT: Red5, I have just seen your checklist in that boneyard... .I am guilty of just about all of it. Time to go back to bed and crawl under the covers.

Hello and welcome to BPDfam 2020!

This is a great pace to listen and learn, and also to add your story - stories ;)

I am curious, how old is your Son with autism?... .is he high functioning?

I am always wanting to met other parents, both online, and in person, to learn more, and to share experiences... . 

My Son is the light of my life, he makes me see the world in such a different lens, .he is about a functioning 5-7 year old, he was dx at age three... .also mild MR, and they called him "developmentally delayed" for many years... .now autistic low-mid functioning... .but in a thirty-one year olds body, so he is a physiological grown man, but with an innocent and child like demeanor. I also have two other grown adult children a son S28 and a daughter D25, they are both on their own now, and doing very well... .I will call him "J" here, J likes firetrucks, trains, and tractor trailer trucks... .pickups too... .anything mechanical, ie' air conditioners, fans, washing machines... .he loves it when we go to Lowes... .I always have to watch him, or he will be in the appliance section with his head in a washer or dryer... .he never meets a stranger, he seems to be happy in about any environment I take him into.

I married udx/BPDw seven years ago, its been a battle ever since, she is quite frankly mean to him, always wanting to "punish" him for something or other, we have had endless fights over this, as of course I am fiercely protective of him... .this has been so hard to deal with, and it has broken my heart... .why does she do this... .is it jealousy, maybe... .BPD' you know?

Is your partner your Son's mother or like my case a step mother, are you married to her?... .sorry so personal, I am just really curious about this, as you may be experiencing the same thing's as I am?... .

Yeah, my call sign should have been "checklist"  !

Again , welcome 2020 !  ... .this is an awesome place ; )

Kind Regards, Red5

[Red5]

AskingWhy, FF & Cat, thanks for responding !

I hear what you are saying about journaling… I have not kept mine up as I should, quite frankly it bums me out... to see it all there in black and white (verbal/ psychological ABUSE!)… while in the metaphorical “back yard” digging last night, my mental shovel was not big enough, so I brought in a dragline… I went all the way back to 6JAN17 and started reading old post… Wow;… I was in bad shape back then…

I can see a pattern now.  I can relive the hurt

 …yeah… tough stuff AskingWhy!

Break->

Yeah, I think udx/w was just trying to get a reaction out of me, and at day thirteen of LC/ST, any reaction would suffice… But I did not give her one.

I have tried to be involved with her treatment from day one, as she will allow... she is very private about all of it... she wants no one to know anything about any of it, including foo, seems the more they want to know, (they obviously are extremely worried) the more they pry, the more she pushes them all away, one time here a while back, she was walking with foo-sis #2 in the evenings, and after they stepped off, foo-sis asked her how it was going, innocent right, well no… udx/w flew off the handle with her, and said something long the lines that foo-sis was spying for mum... and this even made foo-sis cry, and have a breakdown right there on the trail... they have not walked together since… this is BPD in action.

Yes, I have gone to appointments, and traveled with her, form the very beginning; even sat in the hospital with her during treatments as she allows me… between bouts of “colored black out”… which is about a 50-50%…

She is on her third round (switch-up) of types of treatments, with mixed results… I have only talked to her oncologist with her present, mostly I just listen, as if I try to be any more than a listener/bystander, she will exclude me completely… she has one of the best oncologist on the eastcoast… at the @unc facility to the north (not to give to much away)… she has an online support network for C patients, much like we have here at BPDfam… and she has befriended several others that she speaks with on the tele sometimes… she does confide with me sometimes, when I’m not black… but her foo, they are kept at bay most of the time, she does tell her two grown adult children what is happening, especially her D33 who is an RN… notwithstanding.

I think that both the Docs she sees, the primary, and the one she sees here locally do understand “how she is”… she had some treatments here locally under the control of the primary @unc… and she “showed out” one time, I could see the reaction on the nursing staff’s faces, “they knew/know”… as far as a 1V1 with me and the Doc, she would flip out, so I would have to do this “mission impossible style”… something to consider as you say FF & Cat.

After she was dx, and the first surgery was scheduled, she went to see the first oncologist here local, and the guy was a jerk, he straight up told her that she had 3-5 yrs… just like that, “sorry he said”… let me see if there are any “trials” we can get you into up at @unc… we never went back to him… but that stuck in my mind… then she got into @unc, which is one of the best on the eastcoast.

That was two years ago now… The primary oncologist is always very hopeful, and always has a plan of treatment… he's a really good man… and so is the secondary here local… always up beat, and saying she will be “n-e-d”…

So the bluf is this… I support her when she lets me… again; that's about 50/50% (krap-shoot)… can count on two hands now the sabotages, ie’ “bolt” and leave me at home instead of letting me go with her... one time, it was “vinegar" in the boy’s cucumbers in his lunch box… at friggen 04:45 AM while I was getting ready (in the shower naked)… she went off and came unglued about the cucumbers, told me to –F-> off, and she just left, this exact same scenario has been reenacted several times now... .I actually have not accompanied in any of the last perhaps; three trips north... and only about half of the local treatments here in town, due to dysregulations, and black outs, ie’ –F> off RED5!… I do what I can do… but if she pushes me away, then I don’t pursue anymore…

SO!… here we are… day fourteen of LC/ST, and sleeping on the couch in the office… I do my thing, she does hers… and last night I think she might have been trying to recycle (crock tears), but I was indignant (firm), and then she came out with “Alabama”… hmmm,

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=forest+gump+greenbo+alabama&view=detail&mid=DC793BD82A5719B239E8DC793BD82A5719B239E8&FORM=VIRE

Thanks for listening, and thank you for your support, ya’ll are ALL as good as gold in my book !

Red5

[formflier]

Red5

The part about "I support here when she lets me"... .really stuck out to me and pushes me to push you with this idea a bit further.


While I certainly agree that talking to docs "behind her back" is better than nothing at all... .I think you should "go for it" with an in person meeting.

So... before I go further.

Has your wife ever done therapy... .psych treatment or any of that?

Has she ever discussed it?

FF

[Red5]

So... before I go further.

Has your wife ever done therapy... .psych treatment or any of that?

Has she ever discussed it?

Nope, not as far as I know (her first marriage? I dunno)... .early on, in a fight, I told her she probably needed to see a therapist, she said why... .and that's when I "did it"... .the unmentionable, the unthinkable, .I said, ."because I think you are presenting borderline personality disordered traits"... .

That's was early on as I said, sometime last year as I remember... .Jan(17) I think, before she was hospitalized for first immunotherapy treatments.

She laughed in my face, and said the predictable response in return... ."really, (she said) that's what you think?, well I think YOU are the one who is a (wait for it)... .a conspiracy theorist... .no she said, I'm NOT bipolar"... .(she said)... .

hmmm, "bipolar" she said... .I never did that again... .during the next week, as her foo-sis sat wither up @unc, she told here what I said (she said anyway)... .yeah, not a smart thing to do... .but I was "not centered" at the time ;p

She told me when we were dating that her younger B (now deceased, HA 40)... .was "mentally unstable", and has a "chemical imbalance"... .foo mum actually talks about this sometimes... .well, back in the "normal times" at foo-fam get togethers... .hmmm, a "chemical imbalance"... .there are quite a lot of foo-fam war stories connect to this "urban legend".

We did three MC sessions when we separated after (six months in) we got married ... .due to ongoing knock down drag outs... .I moved her back home to her house, as it was starting to go "viral"... .we stayed apart for six months, .a whopping three sessions, and she said, "we are gtg!"... .

... .other than that, I have no knowledge, carnal or otherwise that udx/w has EVER been to any kind of counseling.

Matter of fact, during one fight, over my Son's daily routine, I suggested (camel nose in tent)... .that we should go to see a family therapist that specializes in blended family's, and special needs kid, in order to better understand the family dynamics that we were trying to blend, .she resoundedly said NO!... .I wont go!... .I'll divorce you first! (she said to me)... .

So there you have it... .

Thoughts?

[edit]... .imho, I think my udx/w is malignant... .a waif-witch... .past the centerline of the spectrum and far right... .this is my opinion.

Red5

[formflier]

That's kinda what I thought about her and therapy.

OK... roll with me a bit on my idea here.

She is crying, saying love you and dangling moving away to 'bama

She has a bleak cancer diagnosis.

She is even hostile to a flagman... .(and just about anyone else)

Here is the thought...

"Hey babe... .I appreciate you expressing your love for me last night (when her eyes teared up).  That means a lot to me.  I want you to know how much I respect the way you are fighting cancer.  I pray you win.

I don't understand your comment about moving to Alabama.  The thought of your moving away troubles me, just as the thought of loosing you to cancer does.  It makes me realize that we really don't know how much time we have left together.  Which makes me think about how precious our time is.

That being said... .I want whatever time we have left together to honor the love that brought us together.  I'm seeing a therapist to help me with my part in that.  I would appreciate it if you would come with me and talk about how my work there might improve our time together.

Break break

That's a little long but I think you get the idea.

Thoughts?

FF

[2020]

Hello Red5,

My son in 17. He was living with his mother for a few years until 2012 when he came to live with me. He was being neglected and I had to step in and retrieve him. I have since learnt that he was sexually abused by someone he lived next door to when he was with his mother. It has made things all that more difficult.

When he came to live with me he was scared to be left alone. He would not go to school. It was only then that I found out from his mother that he had been diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum. He attends a Distant Education class two days a week nearby. That gives me some time to myself, I guess.

As he has got older physically, I have noticed metally he is still a little boy. He doesn't get some things, no matter how much I try to explain. He has his own obsessions. He loves padlocks. Has done since he was about 2 years old. He can pick locks, cut his own keys, re-pin locks etc. He must have a couple of hundred in his room.

My mother died of cancer in 2014 and soon after, I got involved on a deeper level with my current partner. This is only the third relationship I have had. I am 52, she is 45. We have known each other 10 years now. Up until a month ago, I had no idea what the problem might have been. I am sure I can be annoying at times, but things have just been so bad for so long. This weird behaviour has been happening pretty much for 10 years. And I am now thinking the mother of my kids has shown traits of the same thing.

When my partner moved in, my son must have felt very vulnerable again. No sooner had dad rescued him from the abusive hell he was in, he then falls for this woman. I had been very much alone for years prior to this. She just wandered up the stairs one day and it was love at first sight. I thought there must be a God! An angel has been sent to soothe me.

To be honest, my son has been awful to her. He has done his utmost to drive her away, and that is sad. I find myself stuck between catering for him and her. She has told me she wishes he would just die. That makes me sad. My eldest son moved back home two years ago after he split with his girlfriend. I am accused of siding with my kids against her. I get told I reward my youngest for bad behaviour. I can't even take them to the shop anymore. I feel like I have been isolated from my own family. I am being consumed!

But hey, I don't want to hijack this discussion. I really value what I have read of your experience. I now have the long hard slog of educating myself and altering my ways in order to make life slightly easier. It isn't easy when you are involved with trench warfare on a daily basis! The only reason I can write now is that her son has taken her out to look for a new mattress... .

Good luck with things!

[Red5]

Afternoon FF!

OK... roll with me a bit on my idea here… She is even hostile to a flagman... .(and just about anyone else)…Here is the thought… “Hey Babe”…

Geez Man, ya tryin to get me killed or what !

 , just kidding ; )

That was very good advice that you posted above Brother, and I sure do appreciate it, you do have a very keen sense of “flow” when it comes to communicating with BPD, your knowledge of, and ability to;... .to navigate through, is priceless here on these boards, just wanted to say that up front.

Ok, I thought long and hard about this yesterday afternoon, yeah I was a bit scared, still angry, lost in the flotsam and debris of the last fourteen daze of post dysregulation LC/ST.

Honestly I was like NFW… but you got to me FF, yeah you did!

So, (SITREP/After action report to follow)…

I am (was) in the kitchen, getting ready to go to the grocery store with my boy, LC means low contact, but not no contact... so I say to udxW, hey, going to the grocery store, do you want anything… she says no, so me and S31(a) leave forthwith!… we eat out, we shop, then we RTB (return to base)…

S31(a) is then off to the shower and to then get his pj’s on…

… she comes into kitchen while I am putting away our stores… and she says, S31(a)’s b-day is coming, what are your thoughts about his school, as they always celebrate their b-days… pizza party or cupcakes?… trying to keep it short, I say cupcakes… she says that she will talk to the asst. director about it and get something set… I say good to go, and then try to disengage, and go back to LC/ST…

But she stays there, sitting at the counter, and I try to ignore her, as LC means no conversation other than bare essential “radio traffic”…

But as FF’s written words are a swirling about in my brain housing group… I slip a little… and say to her, “is there anything else you would like to talk about”…

That was the spark!

… she says to me… I want this to end… I say nothing, she says to me again, “I want his to end”… I say ok, expecting to hear about lawyers, and moving trucks… but she says, “I love you Red5, and I am not giving up”… “I’m sorry that you are so angry with me” she says…

Well, that was the ole’ “camel nose under the corner of the tent” moment now wasn’t it…

I quickly “gathered myself” and tried my best to remember FF’s lines of script in my head… I thought to myself and in a bout a split second, I thought again… what the h3ll… I’ll do it !

So I said to her (best I can remember now)… “I love you too Q, and I too am sorry that we once again have come to this point, I surely and honestly don’t want you to feel so unhappy, with me, the whole “thing” was completely avoidable, if we’d both controlled our tempers, I know that I have a hard time with my own temper when I get to the point of “no return”… and I do apologize (yeah, I did it again I thought to myself!)… she said… “me too Red, I could have acted far differently, and I am sorry too.” (WOW!)

So I went back to the script that FF wrote… I tried my best to edit and choose the words ever so carefully for the best effect, and outcome…

I said to her (as I can remember it now)… “I am scared Q, I want you to be well, I want you to be happy, and not be so afraid, you are my wife, and I want you here with me, we obviously still have a lot of communication issues, and I’d like to work on that… I had the idea a few days ago about maybe finding a MC to go and talk to, as we seem to be still –F-> ‘ing it up on our own… she said; “we did that years ago remember”… I responded, “yes we did, but only three sessions”,”things are different now”… “we have grown older, and there are far different variables now active in our lives”…

She did not agree to it, but she didn’t say no either... so we’ll see… -> back burner for while (MC)?

Maybe, just maybe, now… BPD could be uncovered just a little bit if she had (we) had the right counselor/therapist… as things are indeed very different now than they were back in 2011.

I continued to talk to her, she was not avoidant to most of it… I said, “I want you to feel safe here with me, this is your home, I am your husband, and it’s my duty and responsibility to protect you, and support you as you are on this journey… neither of us know how much time we have left together, I don’t want to be spending that time fighting and quarreling”… “I understand and am in agreement in the fact that I can do better to in regards to taking care of you”, “as in your needs beyond just the logistical sense, I know that you need real companionship, you need to know that you are special to me, and that you feel loved”… “I can see that I have not been doing that, and I am sorry.”

She then tried to dissect the events of the last two weeks, but I stopped her “very gently”…

…I said, “I think that its best that we stop trying to figure that one out, it’s still too fresh, lets just leave those bones buried in the back yard for now ok… let’s just let that one go… lets “build now”, instead of “tear down”… I would like you to agree with me on that”, “and as well be comfortable with that…ok”,

I continued… “I also need to feel safe here, and loved, and appreciated… I am a caretaker by nature, I think you do know this don’t you”… “and I want to take care of you Q”… “I don’t want you to have to worry about anything other than getting well”…

… she nodded her head, and reached out for my hand…

•   I left Alabama out of it, though she did explain that to me as her being frustrated with me and wanting to run.
•   I am keeping my T to myself, that’s all mine for now… and I feel that I need that particular "freedom" right now.
•   We also talked about the stress I am feeling from her as she is trying to parent/mother (methods) to my S31(a)… and I asked her that I needed her to “lighten up” where that is concerned, and to let me do the heavy lifting where he is concerned… she seemed to agree… we’ll see.

SO!… there you have it… thanks for the lines FF, it seems to have worked, I was very skeptical… and honestly still very angry, and I think I was ready to just quit… but a little “spark” changed that last night… so now we are in FULL recycle mode once again, we had a good morning together.

And... .I am back in the master br once more with her and her little dog (whom I love very much!)… . she even made me a sandwich this morning for my lunch!

Yes, still very tentative, and I am not letting down my guard all the way (do I ever really?)… just yet, an air of tension is still there, lots of triggers coming up;
*Florence may come to visit next week,
*My dear old mum wants to come for a visit in Rock’Tober, ten daze !
*S31(a)’s mom (my ex) is requesting another visit for the week after his b-day,
*U/dx wife’s foo-mum is starting to get close in again to her…
*Next –c- appt. is also in the next month,

… been here before many many times… so we’ll see… tools tools tools !

Ah’ the sweet savor of “cognitive dissonance”…

That’s all for now, once again, you’re the MAN FF!

Thanks Brother !

Steady as she goes…

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Wow, Red5,  Awesome! 

[Red5]

He was living with his mother for a few years until 2012 when he came to live with me. He was being neglected and I had to step in and retrieve him. I have since learnt that he was sexually abused by someone he lived next door to when he was with his mother. It has made things all that more difficult.

Wow 2020… that is terrible, and heartbreaking… I cannot imagine… there was an incident of abuse with my son as well, he was at his grandmother’s house, eleven years ago visiting, and my half-sisters son abused him ie’ beating, and other physical abuse… and autistics never forget... I am still angry about it…

When he came to live with me he was scared to be left alone. He would not go to school. It was only then that I found out from his mother that he had been diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum. He attends a Distant Education class two days a week nearby. That gives me some time to myself, I guess.

That’s good that he goes to school, my son aged out of high school, he was able to go until age 21, now he goes to a vocational day program, and he loves it… it sounds like your son is very attached to you, and loves you very much,

As he has got older physically, I have noticed mentally he is still a little boy. He doesn't get some things, no matter how much I try to explain. He has his own obsessions. He loves padlocks. Has done since he was about 2 years old. He can pick locks, cut his own keys, re-pin locks etc. He must have a couple of hundred in his room.

As I said, my son is about the age of a kindergartner, 5-7 year sold developmentally, he is really a sweet kid, and I know that I probably am way over protective of him, but there is now way he could ever be self-sufficient… autistics always seem to have a couple of things that they are very good at, ie’ obsessive... but it’s a good thing imho, that’s pretty cool that you son is so knowledgeable about pad locks; and locks that way

My mother died of cancer in 2014 and soon after, I got involved on a deeper level with my current partner. This is only the third relationship I have had. I am 52, she is 45. We have known each other 10 years now. Up until a month ago, I had no idea what the problem might have been. I am sure I can be annoying at times, but things have just been so bad for so long. This weird behavior has been happening pretty much for 10 years. And I am now thinking the mother of my kids has shown traits of the same thing.

My mum is still living, she i sin her mid-seventies now, and she is a bit toxic I am sad to say, long story… I have been with my udx wife for almost eleven years now, seven married, I too did not understand much, it was not until JAN17 that I came across BPD… and the light bulb flickered on… my first wife was a childhood sexual abuse victim, we were married for 22 years… I never “got it”… I tried to “save her”  ... a no win situation… I too can be pretty obstinate/stubborn, ie’ self-protect mode, I am also 52 years old !

When my partner moved in, my son must have felt very vulnerable again. No sooner had dad rescued him from the abusive hell he was in, he then falls for this woman. I had been very much alone for years prior to this. She just wandered up the stairs one day and it was love at first sight. I thought there must be a God! An angel has been sent to soothe me.

I did something about the same, after my divorce from W#1, I started to date, and I was a single dad then... shoulda stayed single for a while to sort myself out, but I didn’t, then I met Q (udxw), we dated for five years... and when she moved in after we got married, all three of my children were still living at home with me... it was a lot of “trouble”… “blended families”… I remember those times, dating… “she” is “perfect”, a friend!... she “loves me”… I got hooked, ie’ love bombed… but I was easy pickings back then…

To be honest, my son has been awful to her. He has done his utmost to drive her away, and that is sad. I find myself stuck between catering for him and her. She has told me she wishes he would just die. That makes me sad. My eldest son moved back home two years ago after he split with his girlfriend. I am accused of siding with my kids against her. I get told I reward my youngest for bad behaviour. I can't even take them to the shop anymore. I feel like I have been isolated from my own family. I am being consumed!

I felt, still feel... stuck too, they have a name for it... we are caretakers… we put ourselves last, think we can save everybody… remember that your son, you, are his protector, his hero, he feels safe with you because you rescued him, and that’s the way he will always feel about you... when udxw and I fight, it upsets my son… and he acts out sometimes… of course BPD picks up on that... not good ; (

//She has told me she wishes he would just die//

... .that’s not good Brother… my udxw once told me in a heated fight that she “hated” my son... ive never forgotten that…

// My eldest son moved back home two years ago after he split with his girlfriend. I am accused of siding with my kids against her. I get told I reward my youngest for bad behavior. I can't even take them to the shop anymore.//

Me2... I am told that I “reward”…

// I feel like I have been isolated from my own family. //

... .BPD’ers do this... I too felt consumed, before I started using boundaries… yeah, I was lost in it... ie’ consumed.

But hey, I don't want to hijack this discussion. I really value what I have read of your experience. I now have the long hard slog of educating myself and altering my ways in order to make life slightly easier. It isn't easy when you are involved with trench warfare on a daily basis! The only reason I can write now is that her son has taken her out to look for a new mattress... .

Highjack away ; )

Shared experiences is what makes this place so great, it’s really helped me out so much Man !

Knowledge is power, power to live once again… good medicine !

I probably spend too much time here, while I’m at work… ... .not an option at home most of the time,

Yeah… “trench warfare”… oh’ yes !

//Good luck with things!//

And to you as well 2020 !

Kind Regards, Red5

[formflier]

Red 5

You are the man!  

My hat is off to you with the thought of "let's build for now" and "leave the fresh stuff alone".  That's brilliant... .absolutely brilliant way to defuse things.

I'm going to stay "Marine" with you.  Sometimes you go on patrol and don't find anything, many time enemy patrols harass you... and you can't seem to lay hand on them... .they are so elusive.

From time to time pwBPD "get caught in the open"... .turning points do happen.  When they present themselves... .fire for effect!

You seized the moment and "got over yourself" and your anger.  That's leadership!    She may never acknowledge it... .but I will  Solid work brother... .proud of you.

And... .for us military types... .here is some eye candy.  Fire for effect!

https://youtu.be/Sej0Dros9VQ

FF

[Red5]

And... .for us military types... .here is some eye candy.  

FF will get you safely back on deck every-time!
 https://m.you.tube.com/watch?v=5Wk36yF2alM
Red5

[formflier]

For clarity... .that was a "gimme" (easy breezy)... .you heard them chuckling about "taking those all the time" or "I guess we call that a night pass".

The intercom and radio chatter was spot on, a lot of what you heard was the copilot (guy in the right) giving some "sugar calls" to help the pilot have a good pass.

It appears that the airplane goes low right at the end (look at the crosshair video in top of the screen) and actually the airplane did go low, but the pilot didn't know it because the LSOs intentionally guided him low because a wire was missing.  Then you hear the comment about "I guess they had the 4 wire stripped" because they likely realized they caught 1 or 2.  You normally "aim" for the 3 wire.

The 1 wire is closest to the back of the ship, followed by 2, 3 and 4 is closest to the front of the ship.  Every 100 arrestments they "strip" or remove the wire for safety.  It takes a bit of time to replace the wire... .so if a recovery is going on and a wire gets to 100... they disconnect it and pitch it over the side and keep recovering airplanes.

For those that geek out... that looks to be a Group II (said group 2) cockpit, which for me was a modern cockpit.  Most of my time is in the group 0.  (no fancy lights... .all "steam" gauges... no computer controls)  Red 5 and other maintenance types will appreciate back when you didn't have a computer to fix airplanes.  Many pilots and techs from those days had a hard time transitioning to digital engine controls because all those trons were really mysterious.  Either worked or didn't and you had to have a computer "interpret" what was going wrong or right with an engine.

I was trained to end every flight and go straight and talk to the ADs (jet engine mechanics), since I had talked to them just before "taking" the airplane from maintenance.  Pilots only "borrow" the jets from the guys that really own them... .we go fly them... break them... and turn them back in for some lovin by those with wrenches...

Anyway... pilots and ADs that were really working well as a team could get their engines really efficient... .running like a top.  Figuring out one that was giving problems, especially intermittent problems was a team effort as well.

Then... .the computers showed up.  Let's just say the learning curve wasn't very fun.

Aviation hijack by FF.  Bad FF... .bad...

FF

[2020]

Hey Red5,

Encouraging to hear you are having some success. Well done! I've been paracticing a few techniques I am picking up from here. I thought I was having some success this morning. Got the good ol' "We don't have a sex life" statement. Not sure what I did the night before. Must have been a dream. I said nothing. The conversation moves on to 'We have nothing in common', and then onto how I make her feel worse than her son's father did... .23 years ago. So I remembered your firewood analogy... .embers... .kindling... .I run this past her. She said nothing. Fifteen minutes later she is leaving to visit her son to pick up this mattress she bought, which "was a stupid mistake and is too thin but I have nothing else to sleep on"... .I open the car door for her, she says "Don't bother, I am just a piece of green wet rotting firewood", then drives away.

I have had the afternoon alone. Went for a walk with my son. Got his phone screen replaced. Tought him a bit about budgeting. Then I made a pumpkin soup. She will be back sometime soon... .I am already flinching in anticipation.

Hope you are still going well!

[formflier]

Hey 2020,

Glad to see you posting over here.  I've followed your threads somewhat. 

If you were channeling your inner Red 5 and followed his example of trying to move past his hurt (completely justifiable hurt by the way), what do you think you could have said to your wife in response to the "we have no sex life" comment.

What did you actually say?

FF

[2020]

Hey Red5,

How's it all going now? I have had a few days of hand to hand combat to contend with, but she's sandbagged herself in up the road today, thankfully.

I just wanted to tell you how much I have enjoyed(?) your posts. You are a great writer. I have laughed and cried with all 69 pages of your posts. Taken two days to get through them all. You have fast tracked me big time. At times I felt we must be living with the same woman. My suspicion I may have hooked up with a robot has intensified. Perhaps there are many of this model with different skins? Or am I now showing Borderline traits?

Thanks for the education. The Marines churn out splendid writers! Cheers!