Jekyll and Hyde, or Janus-faced?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Finding the right metaphor for the behavior of pwBPD is hard.

For instance, my H will send the pets running away terrified when he throws furniture and breaks it in a rage.  Within minutes, he can be on the phone with one of his adult children with his syrupy voice asking how the child's day went, and how the grandchildren are doing.

He can rage at me, threaten divorce, call me names and tell me how useless I am to the world, then cheerfully greet the handyman who arrives to do a job on the house.

I think the Jekyll/Hyde metaphor works when the BPD suffers from dissociative amnesia and really can't recall in the dissociative episode.  With Janus-faced, the BPD knows well what he is feeling and can understand he is putting on an act for another person.

My H experiences both.

[AskingWhy]

Finding the right metaphor for the behavior of pwBPD is hard.

For instance, my H will send the pets running away terrified when he throws furniture and breaks it in a rage.  Within minutes, he can be on the phone with one of his adult children with his syrupy voice asking how the child's day went, and how the grandchildren are doing.

He can rage at me, threaten divorce, call me names and tell me how useless I am to the world, then cheerfully greet the handyman who arrives to do a job on the house.

I think the Jekyll/Hyde metaphor works when the BPD suffers from dissociative amnesia and really can't recall in the dissociative episode.  With Janus-faced, the BPD knows well what he is feeling and can understand he is putting on an act for another person.

My H experiences both.

[Red5]

He can rage at me, threaten divorce, call me names and tell me how useless I am to the world, then cheerfully greet the handyman who arrives to do a job on the house.

Yeah, I can concur with this !

My u/BPDw went on a rampage Wednesday evening (long story), smashed up a bunch of stuff in the backyard while myself and S31(autistic) sat on the porch of the shed/shop and watched... .what a mess, what a show ; (

And then... .a little while latter she comes back outa the house as asked me... .get this!, “are you still going to diner tonight with me and J and B (her D33 and husband whom are here for a week visiting)... .

I said NO!... .are you friggen kidding me!

Me and the boy here ain’t going NO WHERE with you!... .no, not after all that... .

She then called me a selfish lying @SS whole... .I agreed with her  , and told her to get away from me... .she stomped off, I sat back down in my Adirondack chair with my son, and wondered to myself... .what was that?... .was that BPD?... .just what was that... .unresolved anger?... .wow, that was just plain crazy!... .she just busted up my ten year old money tree plant, then had the unmitigated gawl to try and make me take everyone to diner ?

GRRRRR and 

I feel your pain AskingWhy, I am dealing with it right now as well, real time, since Wednesday morning,

Hope you are having a little peace tonight, oh’boy, I wonder what will happen tommorow?

Have a good night, Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Does it even matter how to characterize it, when one is the recipient of the Mr. Hyde and others aren't?  

I think the simplest explanation is that in the moment your husband is mad at you and he's not mad at the kids or the handyman.

Because the kids probably blamed him for the divorce, it set him on a pattern of sucking up to them for their favor. Years later, nothing has changed.

[AskingWhy]

Does it even matter how to characterize it, when one is the recipient of the Mr. Hyde and others aren't?  

I think the simplest explanation is that in the moment your husband is mad at you and he's not mad at the kids or the handyman.

Because the kids probably blamed him for the divorce, it set him on a pattern of sucking up to them for their favor. Years later, nothing has changed.

I think, Cat, that you hit the nail on the head.  H was a noncustodial father and blames himself for the divorce.  (In reality, his X W had an affair and divorced him to marry her lover, taking full custody of the children.   His visitation, if you can call it that, were weekly phone calls as she moved out of the state with her new husband.)  As far as I could tell, H's first marriage was the classic narcissist/borderline symbiosis.

When he is in the presence of his children (and their children), I cease to exist for him.

[jsgirl360]

Janus-faced for sure!

The more I read these boards, the more I see parallels to my own life and realize I'm not alone.  I used to think I was the only one going through this.

My BPDh is also divorced. He has 2 adult sons from first marriage.  Both are diagnosed with BPD and have significant difficulty performing in day to day life (jobs, relationships, etc.) Husband blames his sons' dysfunctional behavior on the divorce.  And because of this he's supporting them financially well into their 30's.

Adult sons were very upset when their father married me. They are disrespectful towards me, especially the oldest. (Younger one silently despises me and then goes on the internet to trash my religion and politics.) In BPDh's mind if son is painted white, or "good", I have to be painted black, or "bad", and vice versa.

We can't be one or the other at the same time. I can always tell when he's been spending time with his son, and getting along, because he will come into the house and rage at me, calling me names, for no apparent reason.  Once he lets on he has been with his son, everything makes sense.

[AskingWhy]

Janus-faced for sure!

The more I read these boards, the more I see parallels to my own life and realize I'm not alone.  I used to think I was the only one going through this.

My BPDh is also divorced. He has 2 adult sons from first marriage.  Both are diagnosed with BPD and have significant difficulty performing in day to day life (jobs, relationships, etc.) Husband blames his sons' dysfunctional behavior on the divorce.  And because of this he's supporting them financially well into their 30's.

Adult sons were very upset when their father married me. They are disrespectful towards me, especially the oldest. (Younger one silently despises me and then goes on the internet to trash my religion and politics.) In BPDh's mind if son is painted white, or "good", I have to be painted black, or "bad", and vice versa.

We can't be one or the other at the same time. I can always tell when he's been spending time with his son, and getting along, because he will come into the house and rage at me, calling me names, for no apparent reason.  Once he lets on he has been with his son, everything makes sense.

jsgirl360, I think the reasons pwBPD value their children over their R/S with spouses is because people with PDs see children as extensions of themselves.   They have poor boundaries.

uBPD/NPD H has children from a previous marriage that most likely have PDs.  One is likely NPD as she bullied a coworker so badly the victim had quit her job.  One is likely BPD, as she has slept with two bosses and was fire, then made a suicide attempt.  Another child is a drug addict and almost homeless.  Like yours, my H lavishes money on his adult children.   He idealizes them and devalues me.  When in the presence of his children, it's almost like he is a lover:  gazing fondly, touching hands, hugging (not just at arrival and departure), and it's very odd to me.

BPDs "split" and can't seem to love their spouses and their children at the same time.  Sometimes when his children are visiting, I am all but invisible to H. 

[jsgirl360]

AskingWhy... .

Thank you, thank you for reminding me of this fact... .that BPD's see their children as extensions of themselves... .it explains so much... .

BPDh will roll out the red carpet for his adult sons any time they come around... .even when they haven't acknowledged him for months (usually when they want something).  BPDh will get special take out food, buy cakes... .though he never does that for our family. He doesn't show that same favoritism to the younger children he has with me... .he devalues all of us ... and only his 2 adult sons get the royal treatment.

The behavior your H shows around his adult children does sound rather odd... .especially if he's not usually an affectionate person.

The "extension of himself" explanation also brings light to this incident with husband I never understood... .

About 7 years ago, his younger adult son came out as gay on Facebook. BPDh was distraught... .and not because of religious beliefs or fear of bullying his son might endure... .Nope, BPDh insisted "Now everyone is going to think that I'm gay too!" At the time, his comment was so bizarre and made no sense at all.  Now that I realize he sees his son as extension of himself,  I can follow his train of thought (even though it still isn't rational!)

Hope you have a great day

[AskingWhy]

AskingWhy... .

Thank you, thank you for reminding me of this fact... .that BPD's see their children as extensions of themselves... .it explains so much... .

The "extension of himself" explanation also brings light to this incident with husband I never understood... .

About 7 years ago, his younger adult son came out as gay on Facebook. BPDh was distraught... .and not because of religious beliefs or fear of bullying his son might endure... .Nope, BPDh insisted "Now everyone is going to think that I'm gay too!" At the time, his comment was so bizarre and made no sense at all.  Now that I realize he sees his son as extension of himself,  I can follow his train of thought (even though it still isn't rational!)

H is never physical with me except when he wants some nookie.  When he comes home from work, no kisses or hugs.  The house usually gets inspected for signs of housecleaning and then I get a scowl.

When I married uBPD H 20 years ago, little did I know the purpose I would be serving in his life.  I was simply an "object" or a placeholder to entertain him until his minor children visited him for the summers.  His uNPD X W had custody of the children and he lived for these visits. He would call the children every week and live for these phone conversations.  I was happily, stupidly under the impression I had a marriage.

As the children grew into adolescence, they saw he could be manipulated for money or gifts with emotional blackmail. I was humiliating to watch a 40-something man turning into a begging specimen of cowardice.  He knew his son was using the money to buy drugs, and the daughters bought designer clothing with the money.

Now the children are all adults, my presence in H's life has really no purpose.  I am only a source on income to add to his lifestyle.  As my business is not making money now, H is raging about my need to "up my game" to help his lifestyle and pad his retirement. I feel like I always have a stilleto at my back.  I feel like an object kept around for what use I can be to H, and not for love or companionship.

I feel so stupid.

[Tattered Heart]

I feel like I always have a stilleto at my back.  I feel like an object kept around for what use I can be to H, and not for love or companionship.

I feel so stupid.

Try not to beat yourself up too much. You don't know what you don't know. If you had went into marriage knowing that you would have to go through everything you've gone through, you most likely wouldn't have willingly gone into it. (Maybe you would have, some would, but we can't know the future and what that will look like). It's lonely when the person who is supposed to love us is unable to love us the way we need to be loved.