Awakening to BPD

[AskingWhy]

I had no idea of what BPD even was at the beginning of my marriage to uBPD/uNPD.

About a year into the R/S, I knew something was very "off."  H dysregulated and brandished a broken charcoal grill handle at me, shouting, "You'd better get in the house now because I am fixing to get really mad!"  (I was nowhere near him and about 30 feet away, thankfully.)  When I told him I objected to his subscription to a "men's magazine," shall we politely say, stating that such magazine were more for bachelors and not married men, H angrily took a small stack of said magazines, doused them with charcoal lighter fluid and burned them on the lawn, screaming, "There! Are you happy now?"

This struck me as odd.  Wasn't this man my H?  Supposedly my life partner?  Someone who was supposed to love me and honor my feelings?

Due to my own chaotic FOO, I did not see it for what it was: abuse.

In the passing years, my psyche began to be worn down.  I am now a shadow of my former self.  I used to be happy, gregarious and now I just want to sleep all day.  I am depressed.

In 20 years of marriage, I had only one day where I appeared to be the priority in my H's life-our wedding day.  In reality, I was to stand in as the punching bag for what his uNPD X W did to him--she cheated on him with an old flame while he was overseas in the military.  He and his X had the classic BPD-NPD pairing.  When he returned, eager to see his wife and small children, she demanded he respond to her suit for divorce so she could marry her lover.  (The lover was also married and had children; she slept with a man knowing fully he was married and with a family.)  I was also to become the cash cow to support H's lifestyle and pay for household expenses--H immediate bought a new sports car after we married.

uNPD X W saw to it that she had custody of the children.  Although she had CS, she was constantly holding her hand out for more money, ostensibly for the children's needs,  In reality, she was using the money to buy brand new cars for herself and her new husband, their moving to a larger house, and Heaven knows what other non-child luxuries.  Guilt-ridden and masochistic to the extreme, H continually wrote large checks to his X on demand.  As his children grew to adolescence, they learned they could also guilt-trip their father using emotional blackmail to get him to buy them extravagant gifts and dole out money like candy--just for the asking.  

Somehow my marriage got lost in the shuffle and relegated to a very low priority in my H's life.

I became the punching bag for when H had a bad day at work, or when his X W was jerking him around, or when his children were emotionally blackmailing him.  (His children often gave him the silent treatment.  As they lived across the country with their mother and her new husband, H's visitation with his children was conducted by phone--the expensive cell phones he bought them--which had to be the latest models.)  They would screen his calls and refuse to take them.  On one occasion, one child ignored H for eight months.  Each week, he'd leave a whipped, sugary, servile voicemail asking them to call, ending with, "I love you."  It was humiliating to watch.  Then he would turn to me and use me as the punching bag:  name calling, breaking wine glasses, sleeping on the couch (withholding affection and silent treatment), threatening me with divorce, taking off his wedding ring, demanding I return gifts he has given to me.  (The latter gifts were mostly trinkets compared to what he gives his children.)

I have started to look into my legals rights in the event I choose to file for divorce, or H may totally devalue me and do so first.  I am sad, beaten down, but need to preserve what I have in my life in the event I end up going it alone.  

I have gone from being perplexed and caught off guard to understanding I am up against a bone fide serious mental disorder.  H matches several of the diagnostic criteria.  He is very high functioning and has a job with a great deal of responsibility.  He is easily a chameleon to his co-workers, friends, neighbors and family.  He has made me out the be the crazy one; he has even done this in a fruitless attempt at MC where he had the T eating out of his hand.   He can go from talking to a handy man, then close the door and resume barrelling into me about what a horrible human being I am, and how he hates himself for marrying me.

What has been your trajectory in your R/S from being aware something was "off" or "odd," to understanding your significant other/spouse had a mental disorder?    

[XSurvivorX]

AskingWhy,

My heart aches for you!  Reading this just makes me feel so so sorry that this is where you are.  I really can't say much more other than that.  I truly am sorry to see you where you're currently at. 

When did I realize my ex pwBPD had a mental illness?  I think I wrote off a lot of stuff initially, but after she moved in with me and we'd been living together for a while things got weirder and worse.  The little things, I thought she was just insecure.  I made concessions on a lot of little things early on because I thought that was how a give and take relationship functioned.  When I needed a little take, she would certainly give in return, right?

See, she had dated a LOT of men before we got together.  I had really only ever dated one girl seriously, and for a period of about six months.  One day we went for a walk and we happened to bump into her.  This absolutely mortified my ex, who promptly turned around and ran away in tears at the poor girl's "XSurvivorX? Hello!"  [these two girls knew of each other, since we had actually all gone to the same high school a decade before].  I eventually found my ex, but we had to go immediately home.

The emotional and physical rage that ensued for several hours about how I had "planned" this chance encounter "on purpose" so that I could "leave" her literally made no sense to me.  We each had a previous life with previous experiences - I never questioned hers or tried to hold it against her, but everything in my past that happened before we met was used in evidence against me.  We argued well into the night, and when I couldn't convince her that I was not planning to secretly leave her for this former girlfriend, I relented and screamed well if you won't believe me then maybe I should leave! This is ridiculous, anyways!

Bad move.   

That was when she began to freak out (since I had just validated her fears, even in sarcastic jest), went to where she knew I kept a small revolver for home defense, and reemerged with it pointed at her face. I tackled her, snatching it from her hand.  She was shaking like a leaf, ashen and looked 100% not present for class.  She was hollow.

It was right then that I realized this person had some sort of serious mental condition.  I got rid of the revolver the next day, but getting rid of the BPD was something I thought could also dispose of.  Sadly, I was wrong.

Hell of a wake up and "welcome to BPD" moment.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi AskingWhy, thank you so much for sharing your story. It deeply saddens me to hear all you have been through.

There were warning flags throughout the 11 years my wife and I have been together from the beginning. When we first met she warned me she had a "dark side". But it was her sudden transformation back to a normal person that always made me suppress the idea that she was mentally ill.

The first genuine cue I had was when she turned those behaviors towards my family in 2016. I couldn't believe she could do that.

In Oct 2017 she told me she believed she had BPD. It was my first introduction to the illness and led me here. I got really educated and had my "lightbulb moment".

But the actual emotional work of accepting that the person I shared my bed with and was raising two children with was mentally ill and could not be relied upon? That took a lot longer. Maybe five months. Maybe still happening now. What helps is that she herself has admitted it, including in front of our MC. This just happened recently. It was a big turning point for me in terms of my decision to stay or go (at the moment, stay).

May I ask more about what prompted you to raise this very interesting topic? And how it relates to how you feel about this relationship at this moment in time?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[AskingWhy]

Survivor and ROE, thank you for your replies.  It's odd how many of us have had "lightbulb/a-ha" moments.

I am in the conflicted stage where I am pondering leaving.

All those years of divorce threats and being told I was not a good wife have started, at last, grating on my nerves.

I don't need this, I told myself.  I am now reading everything I can get my hands on about BPD.  Red5 has a great set of links on YouTube dealing with BPD.  Part of trying to understand the big picture is gathering facts, and this means on the disorder itself.  A good strategist gathers all factors before waging a battle, and a battle is what you can expect when separating from a pwBPD.

Most of all, I am seriously reading "Splitting" by Bill Eddy.  Oddly, when divorcing a high-conflict person (such as BPD) and the person has not been diagnosed, he recommends NOT telling the partner of your suspicions.  This can be used against you as the divorce progresses.  Mr. Eddy is both a therapist and a lawyer, and he writes from two perspectives to give the non the best success in court.

It's a great book and I highly recommend it to anyone with a BPD spouse.  Knowledge is power.

[Tattered Heart]

It was long into our marriage that I realized my H had a mental illness. About 3 years ago or so.

I remember the first time he raged at me. I was thoroughly confused. I don't remember if we were married yet or if we were getting closer to the wedding date. We were in a restaurant about to leave to go visit his family out of state. He wanted us to spend a significant amount of time with his best friend. I didn't. I remember his eyes looking at me with pure hatred as he tried to compose himself in public, but when we got to the car, he just laid into me.

For a majority of our marriage, up until the last 5 years, we worked opposite shifts. We only had time together 1 day out of the weekend. And we fought for most of them. I just thought we had a crappy marriage. I dreaded his days off. I was much more aggressive then and would frequently threaten to leave him, but after my dad died, a lot of that language disappeared. I didn't want to fight anymore because I needed to grieve.

About 4 1/2 years ago I decided to work only part time. This is when the abuse began to escalate. He started coming home from work earlier and earlier, to the point that the purpose in my working PT became pointless. My reason for going PT was so I could focus more on caring for the home and doing wifely things. (This was what I wanted to do) but with him now being home during the day, he needed my constant attention, we just fought, and so I was still unable to care for home stuff. As soon as the opportunity came along to go back to work FT I took it. It was during my time at home PT that I first learned about BPD. I honestly began to fear for my life, although he had never harmed me before, but he would scream in my face while I was trapped in a corner. At one point I started to worry about a murder/suicide. I reached out for help and some people intervened for a brief period. He started counseling. And it got slightly better.

It was after this episode that I realized things were not normal. And I found BPD. ANd it all made sense. I have since devoted my life to learning everything about it.

[jsgirl360]

AskingWhy, thank you for sharing your story. My head aches for you.  I can empathize with living with a pwBPD who is angry and full of rage.

I sensed that something was "off" about 3 months into the relationship.  He would become extremely angry, screaming and swearing at me. Of course, he would blame the behavior on me and stated that he had never acted that way in his life. (His grown children informed me that he had indeed been behaving that way throughout their entire childhoods.  His ex wife also confirmed this multiple times.)

After our second son was born,  about 3 years into the marriage,  his behavior became more erratic.  He had more difficulty regulating his moods and was flipping out over the tiniest life stress. Also he was threatening me with physical violence.  Silent treatment had already been a constant since beginning of our marriage.  I now realize that the stress of having another child exacerbated his BPD symptoms... . At that time we lost some family friends because he was dysregulating on people outside the family.

I began to suspect bipolar disorder. Then I found a message board on the internet that described his behavior perfectly.  I realized he is a functioning BPD. Funny thing is, for my occupation I deal with lower functioning BP's (lots of self injury, harming others) but I never once suspected he had BPD.

I learned as much about the disorder as I could. Spoke with several psychiatrists. An inside piece of info... .psychiatrists in general are pessimistic about the prognosis of BPD. Most call the disorder "untreatable". So my hopes are not high for husband to improve.

A few years later,  my husband's younger son was in trouble with the law and diagnosed with BPD. This news set my husband on a downward spiral of self blame, and he admitted he had been diagnosed with BPD as well, during therapy with first wife. This explains why he had been so opposed to going to marital counseling with me, as he knew his diagnosis would come out.

[AskingWhy]

jsgirl360, I am glad you have a spouse who has a diagnosis.  My H won't even set foot in a counseling office.  H blames me for his bad feelings about himself.  He says I am the crazy one.  I am split black while his children are split white.

Sadly, dealing with a pwBPD is itself crazy making.  You truly end up like the one who is crazy because the chameleon nature of BPDs can be played when others are around such as family, neighbors and police officers. 

I rarely get split white. And it's usually when his children are treating him well.  (His children routinely use blackmail to get money.  He was a non custodial father when his children were young, and they know well how to guilt trip him even though they are all adults now.)

My H has not threatened me with bodily harm (such as a raised fist or threat to punch me) but he has used "symbolic violence" such as breaking furniture and dishware, and punching holes in the walls.  Please read Gavin de Becker for more on this.

I have found my sanity confirmed by reading "Eggshells," but also books by Bill Eddy and Lundy Brancroft.  (Bancroft does not discuss mental illness, and only the dynamics of abuse.)

The main difference between bipolar and BPD are the periods of dysregulation. BPs go in manic and depressive phases that last over periods of days whereas BPDs can dysregulate over periods of minutes or hours.  

[jsgirl360]

jsgirl360, I am glad you have a spouse who has a diagnosis.  My H won't even set foot in a counseling office.  H blames me for his bad feelings about himself.  He says I am the crazy one.  I am split black while his children are split white.

Sadly, dealing with a pwBPD is itself crazy making.  You truly end up like the one who is crazy because the chameleon nature of BPDs can be played when others are around such as family, neighbors and police officers. 

I rarely get split white. And it's usually when his children are treating him well.  (His children routinely use blackmail to get money.  He was a non custodial father when his children were young, and they know well how to guilt trip him even though they are all adults now.)

My H has not threatened me with bodily harm (such as a raised fist or threat to punch me) but he has used "symbolic violence" such as breaking furniture and dishware, and punching holes in the walls.  Please read Gavin de Becker for more on this.

I have found my sanity confirmed by reading "Eggshells," but also books by Bill Eddy and Lundy Brancroft.  (Bancroft does not discuss mental illness, and only the dynamics of abuse.)

The main difference between bipolar and BPD are the periods of dysregulation. BPs go in manic and depressive phases that last over periods of days whereas BPDs can dysregulate over periods of minutes or hours.  

Yes, it is affirming to have the actual diagnosis.  However, my husband also won't set foot in a therapist's office. He won't even take prescribed medical medication he fears might "calm" or "control" his behavior.  This includes the blood pressure med Proprano,  which he learned is used "off-label" for behavioral issues.

I'm also split "black" majority of the time while the children are "white". I believe this is because... as you helpfully let me know. . BPD's see their children as extensions of themselves.  The "symbolic violence" is routine in my house, as evidenced by all the holes in the walls.

I found my BPDh definitely goes through "manic" phases. He will have pressured speech, go for days without sleeping, go on "shopping sprees" buying $100 worth of junk at the dollar store, and gambling too. He will go through "down" periods too where he is more angry/irritable than usual... .this usually comes around holidays or working long periods.  He seems like he's starting a manic phase now as he's taking apart everything in the house.

I read somewhere that it's very common for BPD's to cycle into manic states. His definitely can... like you mentioned... .turn into a dysregulation within minutes or hours. So we have to constantly walk on "eggshells".

[AskingWhy]

Yes, it is affirming to have the actual diagnosis.  However, my husband also won't set foot in a therapist's office. He won't even take prescribed medical medication he fears might "calm" or "control" his behavior.  This includes the blood pressure med Proprano,  which he learned is used "off-label" for behavioral issues.

I'm also split "black" majority of the time while the children are "white". I believe this is because... as you helpfully let me know. . BPD's see their children as extensions of themselves.  The "symbolic violence" is routine in my house, as evidenced by all the holes in the walls.

I found my BPDh definitely goes through "manic" phases. He will have pressured speech, go for days without sleeping, go on "shopping sprees" buying $100 worth of junk at the dollar store, and gambling too. He will go through "down" periods too where he is more angry/irritable than usual... .this usually comes around holidays or working long periods.  He seems like he's starting a manic phase now as he's taking apart everything in the house.

I read somewhere that it's very common for BPD's to cycle into manic states. His definitely can... like you mentioned... .turn into a dysregulation within minutes or hours. So we have to constantly walk on "eggshells".

jsgirl360, I am rarely painted white.  

On the issues of the manic episodes, I am wondering if BPD and biopolar can be comorbid as a PD and mood disorder.  I know PDs can have several comorbidities.

That you can predict triggers in your H (holidays and work), you can use this to your advantage.

Are you in therapy?  If so, I recommend finding one, and one who understands PDs.  You can then ask your T about this.

I know what you are going through.  My H's children are all most certainly in some spectrum of PDs (NPD and BPD) and dealing with them is a chore even thought they are all adults as H is enmeshed with them.  When he is with me, thanks to splitting, I am all but invisible to him as he concentrates totally on the child.  The visits usually happen when they want money or other favors.