Found My Old Leaving Plan

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I had been considering leaving about a year ago. It was this exact same time last year that I took a serious look at what steps need to be taken. And it was after I started planning that my H's behavior significantly decreased and he basically went into remission. I don't know if he could sense that I was detaching or if something in me changed that let him know I had reached my limit. Even now, he is testing me. He has only mentioned divorce a handful of times in our marriage and he has mentioned it twice in the last few weeks.

After a fight last night I realized that he has had me painted black for a few weeks, when I thought we were just rapidly cycling through the various phases. I've been responding to the wrong cycle, trying to interact with him which usually works "in between" cycles, but what I should have been doing was giving him space for the "painted black" phase. That would definitely explain why he has been so resistant and rebellious against anything I say or do.

Anyways, I'm off point. I found my computer file titled "Leaving Plan" on my work computer. I just spend some time reviewing documents that I found. Read through the "Behavior Tracker" that I made, and so many of the fights we had last year are the exact same. Like identical. Same triggers. Same words. It was eerie reading about our fights and his behavior from a  year ago.

I also had a budget for what it would look like for me to move vs. him moving out. I updated some numbers to account for a raise and new expenses, but didn't spend a lot of time looking in depth at it. That's for another day.

The most helpful thing I found was my actual plan. A "To-do" list. Here's what is on it.

To Do:

•   Set up an argument/abuse log  
•   Figure out budgeting
•   Bank Account & budgeting
     o   How to pay for house while separated
     o   Should I remove him from account? How will he pay bills?
•   Set up counseling (find one who specializes in personality disorders)  (partially, for me)
•   Clothing & toiletries
•   Where to live
•   Dog & other animals
•   Can sheriff come with me to move out?
•   Write letter to H explaining steps to reconciliation and why I’m leaving
•   Complete Mosaic (do I need a restraining order)
•   Find a support team (for myself and for H)
•   Begin removing guns from the house
•   Set up reconciliation plan for 3 months
Day of leaving:

•   Notify H's family so that he will have support
•   Notify my employer for safety
•   Notify my immediate family

[Tattered Heart]

I had been considering leaving about a year ago. It was this exact same time last year that I took a serious look at what steps need to be taken. And it was after I started planning that my H's behavior significantly decreased and he basically went into remission. I don't know if he could sense that I was detaching or if something in me changed that let him know I had reached my limit. Even now, he is testing me. He has only mentioned divorce a handful of times in our marriage and he has mentioned it twice in the last few weeks.

After a fight last night I realized that he has had me painted black for a few weeks, when I thought we were just rapidly cycling through the various phases. I've been responding to the wrong cycle, trying to interact with him which usually works "in between" cycles, but what I should have been doing was giving him space for the "painted black" phase. That would definitely explain why he has been so resistant and rebellious against anything I say or do.

Anyways, I'm off point. I found my computer file titled "Leaving Plan" on my work computer. I just spend some time reviewing documents that I found. Read through the "Behavior Tracker" that I made, and so many of the fights we had last year are the exact same. Like identical. Same triggers. Same words. It was eerie reading about our fights and his behavior from a  year ago.

I also had a budget for what it would look like for me to move vs. him moving out. I updated some numbers to account for a raise and new expenses, but didn't spend a lot of time looking in depth at it. That's for another day.

The most helpful thing I found was my actual plan. A "To-do" list. Here's what is on it.

To Do:

•   Set up an argument/abuse log  
•   Figure out budgeting
•   Bank Account & budgeting
     o   How to pay for house while separated
     o   Should I remove him from account? How will he pay bills?
•   Set up counseling (find one who specializes in personality disorders)  (partially, for me)
•   Clothing & toiletries
•   Where to live
•   Dog & other animals
•   Can sheriff come with me to move out?
•   Write letter to H explaining steps to reconciliation and why I’m leaving
•   Complete Mosaic (do I need a restraining order)
•   Find a support team (for myself and for H)
•   Begin removing guns from the house
•   Set up reconciliation plan for 3 months
Day of leaving:

•   Notify H's family so that he will have support
•   Notify my employer for safety
•   Notify my immediate family

[Red5]

... .after I started planning that; my H's behavior significantly decreased and he basically went into remission. I don't know if he could sense that I was detaching or if something in me changed that let him know I had reached my limit.

I think that's what's going on in my home right now.

I know that my W, [udxBPD]... .does have a very strong sense (intuition), geared to; and powered by paranoia.

I have disengaged, disconnected and removed myself from this latest conflict.

Communication is broken down, now for over a week, we don't say "I love you", we say nothing to each other, at all now... .we are in a "room mate status"... .been like this since Sunday when step D33 and her H left... .and as there is no need to "put on a show"... .all normal interactions are suspended, and shut down... ..she does not even tell me where she goes, and neither do I, but I am a creature of habit, so I'm easy to figure out... .she is a different story.

Looks like she has replaced me with her foo mum, .foo mum is out of the black time out box, and now I am back in there... .that's ok, whatever... .

She "asked" me to leave our bedroom Wednesday was a week ago during her D33's (and D33's H) visit, after the great backyard rampage she went on; and subsequent refusal by me to "take responsibility", ie' issue blank check apology to validate her behavior... .so as I did not want to enable any further dysregulations, while we had company aboard; I obliged, and have since taken up quarters in the office, and the leather couch in there.

I am currently at a loss, flummoxed, I actually like this "gray rock" in house separation... .we have been here many many times over the last several years, .this situation is almost like an "old friend" to me now... .so the best thing to me to do, is nothing... .

... .any "return" to the intermittent positive reward phase, is nothing but an empty feeling to me now, as it no longer is real to me... .I know its just another "phase" as you have desired above TH.

I am actually at a loss, stuck... .and she is certainly not engaging me either... .a "catch 22" I reckon.

I have been reading a lot more lately, since Sunday anyway, mostly here at work, ... .and very late at night on my phone, as I dare not use any of the home devices to do this... .

I actually write checklists for a living, .I like yours TH!

What did I read last night, .something along the lines of... .

(exert) "As the years go by, a BPDer becomes increasingly resentful of your failure to make her happy -- an impossible task. This is why BPDers typically leave their spouses after 12 to 15 years (15 years in my case). Yet, until they reach that point, they usually keep coming back after they leave because they loath being alone. Being unstable, they have a strong desire to be around someone with a strong, stable personality who will ground them -- serving as an emotional anchor. This tendency of BPDers to keep pulling you back after pushing you away is why the #2 best selling BPD book is called I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."... .

Yeah... .on Tuesday (last week), as I go out the door to work in the morning, W says... ."I love you !"... .then on Wednesday (24 hrs later) she writes me a note, and it says... ."I hate you !"... .

I know I think I understand all of this, the why, the how... .the dynamics of BPD... .but I'm just plain wore out... .u/BPD W senses this, I think she knows I have reached another line of departure here, .she subconsciously sees my hand wrapped around the ejection handle, she can smell the F_it attitude & defeated "odor" I am emitting... .the stink of despondency coming off me... .is she scared, does she "feel' anything... .a great mystery !

Today is Friday, gray rock / ST in full effect, and its mutual; and that's fine... .its gone on longer than this in the past, I think the record (according to journal) was over a month one time... .

Red5

[Tattered Heart]

Is her silent treatment a seething silent treatment or that she is just disengaged?

My H never gives me the silent treatment for more than an hour. It's usually the seething angry ST so it's full of tension. We've never separated rooms or even one of us sleeping on the couch. I often think I would enjoy a prolonged ST, but I can imagine it's just as maddening as outright arguing.

I've had some pretty intense stress symptoms for the last week. Last night after he started yelling, I actually threw up.

I'm starting to get my head straight today. I feel my fight coming back. I'm going to reinforce some of the strategies that have really helped in the past because regardless of how this thing goes I need to protect my mind and my heart. "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." A friend's sister is in a very similar relationship and my friend is worried. I've been in a group message with her and myself and a couple of other friends gave her some advice as to how to help her sister. All that advice was very encouraging to me and reminded me just how incredibly strong my support system is. That alone helped clear some of the fogginess. I'm going to open up to them soon about what I'm considering, but I want to do so face to face so that there can be no text or video messages to come back to bite me in the butt.

[Red5]

Hello TH!

Is her silent treatment a seething silent treatment or that she is just disengaged?

She seems disengaged, maybe she is like me, "giving up", hard to tell, no real seething as that has passed a few days ago... .she just sits there, watches "say yes to the dress" & the "doctor Phil" show... .she was walking on the beach in the AM, but since I'm at work all day, I dunno... she has been taking to her mum (foo) a lot lately, which is a change.

My H never gives me the silent treatment for more than an hour. It's usually the seething angry ST so it's full of tension. We've never separated rooms or even one of us sleeping on the couch. I often think I would enjoy a prolonged ST, but I can imagine it's just as maddening as outright arguing.

ST can go on for days, even weeks with us, with the occasional snarky remark, or minor extinction burst... .but when we are in DEFCON like this, I try not to engage her when she does this... .I used to keep a calendar on couch time, it was alarming to me, so I trashed it... .after so many years of putting up with her BS, I actually like the ST now, its better than constant raging, and arguments... .yeah, ... .I've heard a few other here say the same thing.

I've had some pretty intense stress symptoms for the last week. Last night after he started yelling, I actually threw up.

I know what you mean, the old stuck peanut butter in your chest feeling, and the "somebody just punched me above my belt feeling" (nausea)... .and "the old" pressure on the brain housing group feeling, I call this an "emotional hangover"... .I hate it, .I hate it so ! 

I'm starting to get my head straight today. I feel my fight coming back. I'm going to reinforce some of the strategies that have really helped in the past because regardless of how this thing goes I need to protect my mind and my heart. "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life."

Got to stay focused, and keep the "needles" centered so to speak, self care is so important, especially when pw/BPD is trying to devalue you, tear you down, and dump all there "projection" back onto you ... .yes, "gaurd your heart", and your mind too !

I've been in a group message with her and myself and a couple of other friends gave her some advice as to how to help her sister. All that advice was very encouraging to me and reminded me just how incredibly strong my support system is.

Having others you can talk to, to get some of the poison out when it gets too toxic, that is good as gold!

I'm going to open up to them soon about what I'm considering, but I want to do so face to face so that there can be no text or video messages to come back to bite me in the butt.

Yes, got to watch leaving unsecured information around... .we used to call this "opsec"... .which means "operational security"... .that's very important!

Hang in there TH, and keep posting !

Kind regards, Red5

[AskingWhy]

TH and Red, I am also at the stage where you both seem to be.  My uBPD/uNPD H seems to be getting worse. In my earlier posts, I described how H married me while his children were all quite young and he needed a companion.  His uNPD X W had full custody of all of the children and they lived thousands of miles away.  Now that the children are all well into adulthood, I am no longer needed as the children validate H, mostly through gushing over the money and attention he gives them.  (Just as they did in adolescence, they use emotional blackmail and prey on his guilt to get money and gifts.)  For BPDs, children are usual an extension of the self.)

First of all, TH, hugs for what you are undertaking.     It's painful to see the futility of trying to make a relationship with a man who is emotionally a toddler.  I am pleased you are putting yourself first in this and protecting yourself.

Please so take the MOSAIC test as soon as possible--do it tonight if you can.  Cat Familiar gave me this link and I took it as soon as I had some privacy.  I was 7 out of 10 for repeated dysregulation or escalation of violence.  Guns in the home are a real concern.  Keep in mind that restraining orders DON'T work.    The designer of the MOSAIC, Gavin de Becker, wrote, "The Gift of Fear," stating his studies that restraining orders don't protects victims of abuse, and I suggest you get a copy and keep it a secret.  It's about abusive relationships and when spouses, mostly men, get out of control.  This may be the best $8.00 you will ever spend.

https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

I have been married for over 20 years, and I am getting tired of being put further and further down the priority list for my H, and then being his punching bag when his personality disordered family gives him a raw deal (children and parents.)  With each marriage of his children and for each grandchild born, my existence in my H's life is becoming a distant memory and I get put further and further back on his list of what is important to him.

His silent treatments usually last for about two days, with H sleeping on the couch to drive home his point of his disdain for me.

As an aside, Red, is it a "thing" that BPDs write nasty notes to their spouses?  My H does this.  He leaves for work before I even rise from bed, and I often get "nasty" notes on the kitchen table if I am on his "black" list.  They usually say how much H hates me, how stuck he feels in the marriage, how he longs for a divorce, etc.

TH, take care of yourself.  Please, please get a copy of "Splitting" by Bill Eddy if you have not already done so.  I have a digital copy on my pad so H cannot see a book out in the open.  H routinely (his need for control) "straightens up" counters and tables (at right angles!) and I don't want him coming across a paper copy of the book.

The notion of your "fight coming back" is the recovering of your self esteem after your H has eroded it for so long.  I know well this feeling.  Keep it, remember it.  You don't deserve this.

In the meantime, keep a log of the dysregulation.  It's a physical list and reminder that you are not he crazy one, and your H is the one who is out of control.

 

[Tattered Heart]

TH, take care of yourself.  Please, please get a copy of "Splitting" by Bill Eddy if you have not already done so.  I have a digital copy on my pad so H cannot see a book out in the open.  H routinely (his need for control) "straightens up" counters and tables (at right angles!) and I don't want him coming across a paper copy of the book.

Whew! That was close. Just about typed the book "Splitting"into our shared Amazon search bar. That would have brought up all sorts of new noticeable recommendations for him to see  :O I'll have to go find it in a book store.

[AskingWhy]

Whew! That was close. Just about typed the book "Splitting"into our shared Amazon search bar. That would have brought up all sorts of new noticeable recommendations for him to see  :O I'll have to go find it in a book store.

TH, can you download a copy on Kindle?  If you have a private Amazon account (which I do), you can read it as a digital copy on your personal phone.  I have my own cell phone and pad, and I can access my personal library that my H has no access to.

Yes, please so read "Splitting" by Eddy.  Also read the book by Gavin de Becker.

Hugs and be safe.     

[Red5]

Whew! That was close. Just about typed the book "Splitting"into our shared Amazon search bar. That would have brought up all sorts of new noticeable recommendations for him to see  :O I'll have to go find it in a book store.

Remember... ."OPSEC" !

Delete all history, cookies, search queues... ."bleach bit"  !

Sometimes, I even leave a long string of "decoy" history... .just to throw off a pursuer... .why do I put up with this ; (

Audio books on your phone may be a good way to go... .limit usage on all the "common" home devices... .its a pain in the rear end... but if pw/BPD ever found out that us Non's were spending time becoming aware... .not good.

As an aside, Red, is it a "thing" that BPDs write nasty notes to their spouses?

Yes AskingWhy, seems leaving notes is part of the "program protocol" of pw/BPD... .

Stay safe !

Red5

[pearlsw]

Hi TH,

Glad you found that plan! I think I remember it from your posts from last year! Oh my!

Good that you can read his cycles so well! That is so impressive.

Do you expect he'd harm you or the animals or himself? Does he "just rage" or actually physically harm you? Or does he harm objects?

It is good not to underestimate what someone is capable of or how far they'd go. I didn't expect my SO to go as far as he did, never would have imagined it, until he did.

So glad to hear you have a support network. Oh, my, do I know how hard it can be to think clearly when you are living under this level of pressure. We're here to help you hold onto reality!

warmly, pearl.

[Tattered Heart]

Do you expect he'd harm you or the animals or himself? Does he "just rage" or actually physically harm you? Or does he harm objects?

He just rages. He does not harm me, himself, or any of the animals. He has destroyed property. A few weeks ago when I walked out of the house, he cut up a sweater of mine and crushed my sunglasses. That behavior is rare.

My concern is that if I were to leave that he would resort to physical harm.

We have a shared amazon account. Most everything I do on my phone but searching for books and downloading to a kindle edition would cause similar books to show up on the suggested items. He could see my purchases.

Crazy thing. Saturday he told me that if I were ever to decide to leave him that he would be the last to know. He said I would have everything planned out, including a lawyer before he would have any idea and it would take him by surprise.

I went out of town for a night this weekend. It was a good break for both of us. Came home and he seemed more balanced. Not sure if I'm completely out of the worst yet.

He seemed tense this morning. I was also grouchy because I was running way late. Not sure if he will still be responding to that this afternoon.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi TH,
You’re rightly concerned that leaving could escalate his acting out behavior. It’s a small step from damaging objects to striking partners, I discovered in my first marriage. I’ve heard a lot of people here assume that their spouses wouldn’t hurt them. However when a rage takes hold, that level of self control likely isn’t something to be counted upon.

Have you taken the MOSAIC test to determine what your husband might be capable of?   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

I don’t mean to be Debbie Downer, but I do want you to be informed and safe.   

Cat

[Tattered Heart]

I just retook the assessment. He scored a 6 out of 10. I had taken this back in 2016 when he was at a pretty low point. Back then I took the MOSAIC a month before the only real threat of physical violence ever occurred, when he raised his hand to me, but quickly backed off.

I am also taking this from the perspective that I am still in the home. If I were out of the home, I'm sure the threat would increase. He has a lot of risk factors, including childhood abuse, feeling like aggression is a way to get his own way, isolation, paranoid demeanor, and a lack of a support system.

Positives towards him include having stable employment and a stable routine, no incidents with law enforcement, and no actual physical violence ever.

[AskingWhy]

Hi TH,
You’re rightly concerned that leaving could escalate his acting out behavior. It’s a small step from damaging objects to striking partners, I discovered in my first marriage. I’ve heard a lot of people here assume that their spouses wouldn’t hurt them. However when a rage takes hold, that level of self control likely isn’t something to be counted upon.

Have you taken the MOSAIC test to determine what your husband might be capable of?  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304172

I don’t mean to be Debbie Downer, but I do want you to be informed and safe.    

Cat

Again, thank you, Cat, for recommending the MOSAIC test.  It is a great tool to help me open my eyes about potential abuse.  And, no,  you're not a Debbie Downer. You are supportive, prudent, cautious and informed.

@TH, I think it's also helpful to read the MOSAIC author's book, "The Gift of Fear."  People in relationships with BPDs often come from dysfunctional families that effectively invalidated our senses of intuition and "what is healthy."  He have no intuition about what might be dangerous, or we have lived with our BPD spouse for so long that unbalanced seems normal.  

Is a man throwing dishes across the kitchen or punching holes in the wall normal?

My uBPD/uNPD H has a steady job and is high functioning.  He can easily charm a police office (especially a male one) if I had to call for help.  This is discussed the the book.  

[Cat Familiar]

I still remember when my ex-husband became so enraged that he smashed to bits a sculpture he had made. It was not long after our relationship had begun and it was a beautiful object. I was stunned. I couldn't imagine why anyone would do such a thing. I'd never seen anything like that.

That was just a prelude to the physical abuse that would follow some years later. My thought is that once the door is opened to behavior like that, it becomes far easier for the acting out craziness to graduate to more extreme forms.

Please be safe, everyone. Having lived with a rage-aholic, my feeling is that when they get that worked up, all common sense flies out the window.

Cat

[AskingWhy]

I still remember when my ex-husband became so enraged that he smashed to bits a sculpture he had made. It was not long after our relationship had begun and it was a beautiful object. I was stunned. I couldn't imagine why anyone would do such a thing. I'd never seen anything like that.

That was just a prelude to the physical abuse that would follow some years later. My thought is that once the door is opened to behavior like that, it becomes far easier for the acting out craziness to graduate to more extreme forms.

Thank you for the cautions and encouragement, Cat.

So far, uBPD/uNPD H has not threatened to hit me nor done so.  I asked him in the midst of his rage, "Do you want to hit me?"  He snarled, "No!  I am too smart for that!" I wonder what he meant by that?  Too smart because he knows I would have him arrested and immediately file for divorce?  Too smart because his adult children would surely hear about it and it would ruin the image of loving husband he tries so hard to cultivate?  (His children would still defend him as he is their open wallet and they don't want to lose all that free income.)

H and I have several pets, both cats and dogs.  We had a little deaf, aging dog who was incontinent.  The dog was not actively suffering, but would sometimes soil the dog bed and start getting up and walking away from the mess in the middle of the night. (All of the pets slept in our bedroom.)  The dog could be heard walking all over the room.  One night, the dog made a mess and started stirring in the bed.  H got up and raged at the dog, yanking the bed out from under the aged and terrified dog.  H was screamin at the top of his lungs, "G** d**n you, Fluffy!"  I immediate got up and raged with fury in defence of the dog.  I threw my arms over the dog to comfort and console. I will take the look of upset and fear on the dog's face to my grave.

I know H is really embarrassed and maybe even angry with himself, as shame is a big part of BPD, but H does not take responsibility for what happened.  H makes the excuse that he was sleep deprived for weeks over the dog's walking in the bedroom at night.   H had forbidden me from bringing up what he did to that dog.  Of course, I don't hesitate to bring it up when H thinks he is perfect and incapable of being cruel and thoughtless.  I am sure this compounds H's sense of shame as he likes to brag about how he dotes on the pets, taking the dogs to the dog park and having the cats curl up in his lap.

I'm sorry but sleep deprivation is no excuse.  Can you see that happening with a human baby such as a grandchild?  Babies routinely wake up and fuss over diaper changes and feedings in the middle of the night.  Grandparents babysitting are often sleep deprived.  A sane person sighs, then gets up to see to the need of the infant or the pet.

I will never, every forgive uBPD/uNPD H for his lack of empathy and what he did to that innocent dog.

The more I start recalling the incidents where H raged, dysregulated or emotionally abused me in any way, the more I feel at ease about leaving him.   I have my list and I am referring to it more and more.

All abuse is under some sort of control.  Men who rage are totally in control and this is seen in men who don't punch their wives in the face, and instead punch their arms of other parts of the body that are less likely to show bruises.  

I am linking the DV for women forum on this site.  It separates fact from myth.

MYTH: Domestic violence is a "loss of control."
FACT: Violent behavior is a choice. Perpetrators use it to control their victims. Domestic violence is about batterers using their control, not losing their control.  Their actions are very deliberate.

I know for certain H would never, ever rage at this infant grandchildren as he sees them, like his children, as extensions of himself.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

[RolandOfEld]

Hi TH,

I remember when you shared this list with me a while back. Making the same list was a huge help to organize my thinking and my reality. Even though I am no longer in exit mode I still keep it. And I still keep my record.

I debated getting the Splitting e-book for quite some time for the above reasons. I police my phone quite closely.

My concern is that if I were to leave that he would resort to physical harm.

To clarify, do you mean to you or himself? On a scale of 1-10 in terms of probability, how probable do you see violence entering the situation, to you or himself?

Sending you strength,
~ROE

[Tattered Heart]

Hi TH,

To clarify, do you mean to you or himself? On a scale of 1-10 in terms of probability, how probable do you see violence entering the situation, to you or himself?

Sending you strength,
~ROE

If I were to leave I believe the chances of him harming himself go up to at least an 8 or 9. If he were to have contact with me after I leave, and he were to continually feel rejected I think the risk of violence towards me goes up to an 8. If he could not get access to me, then I think the risk stays around a 5 or 6. If he is able to comprehend that I intend to work towards reconciliation if he begins getting help, then I think the risk would decrease to a 4-5.

[Cat Familiar]

When you say "harming himself" do you mean a suicide attempt? Has he made suicide threats in the past?

This is so difficult, Tattered Heart. I'm so sorry. I dealt with repeated suicide threats from my first husband. After I broke up with him and he got together with his next girlfriend, she confided that he was holding her "hostage" with suicide threats.

I've been the recipient of suicide talk from my mother and two friends and one other friend actually carried out the deed. It's worrisome to have that burden on your shoulders, TH.     

Cat

[Tattered Heart]

He has made threats maybe 2X in 15 years and talked about it once. In each of those instances it was when he felt like our relationship was coming to an end, usually because he felt betrayed from me.

It's not a common threat, thankfully, and each time he has talked about it, I validated, asked questions to assess the seriousness of his threats, and then began talking about getting him help if he was serious. When he didn't get a big reaction out of me, he stopped talking about it.

[AskingWhy]

He has made threats maybe 2X in 15 years and talked about it once. In each of those instances it was when he felt like our relationship was coming to an end, usually because he felt betrayed from me.

It's not a common threat, thankfully, and each time he has talked about it, I validated, asked questions to assess the seriousness of his threats, and then began talking about getting him help if he was serious. When he didn't get a big reaction out of me, he stopped talking about it.

TH, threats are a means of control.  In my case, whenever uBPD/uNPD H feels out of control, he makes divorce threats.  This started several years ago whenever we had a disagreement, usually over his enmeshment with his teen children, now adults, and his spending massive amounts of money on them; H was consumed with him to obsession.  My role in his life as a wife was relagated to an additional income source.  At first, the threats worked.  I would immediately capitulate in tears, ask forgiveness for what I had said or done, and I am sure it gave H an enourmous amount of pleasure to see how much power he had over me.

As my self esteem grew and the threats did not work, I began to see the threats for what they were and that something might be seriously wrong with H.  My knowledge of PDs confirmed that he in in the BPD spectrum with NPD features. When he makes the mention of divorce now, I reply, "Go ahead.  You can do what you want."  I am calm and unmoved when I say this, and totally prepared if he does serve me.  I am prepared for H to go ballistic on me and willing to do everything in my power to get him out of my life.  We have no children and that takes a bulk out of this.

Please, please read "Splitting" by Bill Eddy as it specifically addresses the issues of leaving a relationship of a person with a PD.