A Heartfelt Thank You

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I cannot even begin to thank those who responded to my posts during the year I spent in a 240-square foot apartment while my BPDew assumed rights to my home after threatening to falsely accuse me of domestic violence unless I withdrew my filing. You helped me through my darkest hours... .

Thank you.

 I've made the final alimony payment.

You might wonder to yourself... .when does "freedom" begin.

Certainly, the peace that settled over me when abandoning the home I had bought and paid for granted me some degree of freedom.

Buying a new cell phone plan that enabled me to block her texts and block her emails granted me some degree of freedom.

Reading the email from my divorce attorney stating that my QDRO had been filed with the courts enabling her to gain half of the money I had put into my retirement accounts during the 3.5 year marriage granted me some degree of freedom.

Not having heard from her has granted me some degree of freedom.

But when will I feel fully free?

The Teacher

[The Teacher]

I cannot even begin to thank those who responded to my posts during the year I spent in a 240-square foot apartment while my BPDew assumed rights to my home after threatening to falsely accuse me of domestic violence unless I withdrew my filing. You helped me through my darkest hours... .

Thank you.

 I've made the final alimony payment.

You might wonder to yourself... .when does "freedom" begin.

Certainly, the peace that settled over me when abandoning the home I had bought and paid for granted me some degree of freedom.

Buying a new cell phone plan that enabled me to block her texts and block her emails granted me some degree of freedom.

Reading the email from my divorce attorney stating that my QDRO had been filed with the courts enabling her to gain half of the money I had put into my retirement accounts during the 3.5 year marriage granted me some degree of freedom.

Not having heard from her has granted me some degree of freedom.

But when will I feel fully free?

The Teacher

[Turkish]

The retirement must have been a kick in the pants given the run up in the market.  Even if not,  a kick all the same,  but you are free now,  yes? Financially,  maybe, but what else are you struggling with?

[ForeverDad]

Reading the email from my divorce attorney stating that my QDRO had been filed with the courts enabling her to gain half of the money I had put into my retirement accounts during the 3.5 year marriage granted me some degree of freedom.

My lawyer let me save money (saved 2/3 the fees) and use an online QDRO site (QDRODesk) to handle creating a DRO and walking it though to being a QDRO.  A major lesson I learned was that the 401(k) administrator needed to create a retirement account for my ex and transfer the appropriate amount to that new account in her name.  "In her name" was crucial because then anything she did with it was her responsibility, not mine.  If I had just cut her a check and asked her to create her own retirement account I had no assurance she would do that.  What if she just cashed it directly?  Then I would have been stuck with the taxes and penalties.  By making sure she couldn't get her hands on it until it was in her named retirement account, I protected myself financially.  Once there, she could do anything she wanted with no gotchas to me.

[livednlearned]

I've made the final alimony payment.

 

when will I feel fully free?

There is an article on the site (can't remember where) about how long it takes to recover emotionally, psychologically, and financially from a divorce. I remember reading it takes anywhere from 4-8 years to recover, depending on how high conflict things were.

I felt emotionally and psychologically free much sooner than financially, though my divorce was probably an $$$ outlier and I'm still paying down legal debt.

Some estimate that it takes two months for every year of marriage to recover emotionally. I found that estimate to be pretty accurate for myself. I was married 10 years, and began to feel at peace with myself about 2 years after separation. Therapy was critical to healing, and doing the work that my T recommended.

What does being free mean for you?

[The Teacher]

The retirement must have been a kick in the pants given the run up in the market.  Even if not,  a kick all the same,  but you are free now,  yes? Financially,  maybe, but what else are you struggling with?

Thank you.

As for the retirement, she got 3% of all the retirement I put in over the last 30 years. The inequity was that in the 3.5 years of the marriage, her contribution into retirement amounted to 10% of our joint contribution, yet she received 50%.

I think I'm trying to move past the biggest mistake I made in all of this. This was moving to her town and buying a home and letting her move into my new home. In hindsight, I should have moved to her town and rented an apartment. After that first year, or earlier, I could have walked away for the cost of a security deposit. I'm struggling with being a nice guy who let someone walk all over me, control me, change my life... .My radar for disordered behavior is in hyper-drive. I don't know when I will be able to trust someone again.

The Teacher

[The Teacher]

My lawyer let me save money (saved 2/3 the fees) and use an online QDRO site (QDRODesk) to handle creating a DRO and walking it though to being a QDRO. 

Thank you. For me, it wasn't a matter of fees, really. My ex and I split to $350 cost of setting up a QDRO. My divorce agreement stated that the matter was to be settled by the end of July 2017. My divorce attorney failed to follow up with sending documents to the QDRO attorney and then with  forwarding the agreement to my ex's lawyer for signature. Eventually she took care of it but not until I intervened with my pension fund organization. Some lawyers aren't good at tying up loose ends.

[The Teacher]

Some estimate that it takes two months for every year of marriage to recover emotionally. I found that estimate to be pretty accurate for myself. I was married 10 years, and began to feel at peace with myself about 2 years after separation. Therapy was critical to healing, and doing the work that my T recommended.

What does being free mean for you?

Thank you. I did therapy for an entire year. It really helped. I feel much better emotionally. Part of it is knowing that six years ago, I had two years worth of salary in savings. As I recover financially from this divorce, I live paycheck to paycheck,and have credit card debt for the first time since graduate school. The financial situation triggers an emotional reaction when I think deeply about it. I'm not someone worth billions of dollars who doesn't bat an eye about paying $130K for someone's silence. I'm struggling with knowing that it takes a few years to recover financially after having lived through the abuse of a BPD relationship.

[livednlearned]

I understand.

The financial hit has taken me longer to deal with than the psychological and emotionally, strangely.

Sometimes I think there is a tax for growing up in a dysfunctional family 

It seems to get paid out in divorce.

And I understand, too, about the trust. One thing I discovered when dating is that it was more about trusting myself than it was about the other person. Even down to small things, like saying I wasn't ready to have a date over for dinner, but going out would be nice.

I had to piece a lot of stuff together with books and therapy, then apply it to life, practicing how to have boundaries and getting used to communicating skillfully.

About the second year post-separation, I made self-care a priority and stopped looking for relationships or thinking about that part of my life. The only thing that mattered was having a good relationship with myself, and that was a first. I started to treat myself like someone I really loved and cared for, and kept working at it until one day I met my current SO and trusted my new self-caring self enough to try again.