Don't know what to do anymore

[Nicolaila]

6 years ago my youngest daughter asked me if a certain incident she was told from her older sister about me was true. The incident never took place, and this way I came to finally learn how my oldest daughter had talked behind my back for many years when they were young adults, taking all I say and do in the worst meaning, besides throwing in quite a few lies when it suited her telling it to her sister - but showing me only an oversweet behavior which I found a bit odd. She was not like that as a child, she was loving and stable with a good psyche.  She began to change in her late teens, and very much so after her first child. (I think there are plausible reasons for this change, so this is not my question) To make this short as possible: I confronted her in writing, and we ended up on non-speaking terms where I tried to explain and she just continued guilt throwing for everything, making wild accusations. Besides, she blames her sister for the whole thing because she had finally blown the whistle, so she will not communicate with her either. (Her younger sister has more or less given up by now, living her life thinking as little as she can about her sister, as she hurts a lot, too. She has said that at least we can have peace in our part of the world  Just like this - I suddenly lost my daughter and two grandchildren. It has been a long and winding road to be able to live with this fact and implications. Twice I have tried to arrange meetings for all 4 of us- and try a restart looking forwards, she comes smiling sweetly but is armed to the teeth. The last time I asked both my daughters and my ex husband to meet with a counsellor for guidance to find a new platform in order to have reasonable contact in the future. This was in January. She agreed like the others, after I suggested she contacted the counselor so she could make sure he was the right person for her, too. She has since then made up all kind of excuses, the counselor says he never heard from her. She claimed by text to me in June that he did not answer her mails, and she did not know what to do. I suggested simply phoning, but that did not happen either. I am struggling with health problems as well as difficulty living with these facts, but also feeling deep sorrow for her hurt psyche which makes her live in this either/or world a continual basis. This summer I finally decided to accept the fact that that only a miracle can repair this for any of us (which I incidently believe in, by experience) and that I would have to learn to live the rest of my life only by focusing on what is good in my life in spite of a severely broken heart, for there are good things there of course. I was at least getting somewhere this way, until yesterday, when she suddenly apologetically writes a text saying that since there was no connection with the counselor I had prepared for us - perhaps we could meet on neutral ground and take a cup of coffee together. I wrote as careful as possible back that I in fact had given up hope for us trying to cope with that, and that I do not have any more suggestions or any more to say. I also repeated that I still believe that the only way for us is to have assistance from someone outside to make up a new platform building up new trust with honesty and respect, as the old ways do not work for me And that good intent never  guarantees against sliding back into old pattens. I also said that I love her dearly,  and that since she is in my thoughts every day - just meeting would of course be very tempting. She answered that I was trying to put the blame on her for the (useless) counselor, and that her offer stands - in other words meeting on neutral ground (which I do not believe any of us posess at this stage) whatever that means for her. I feel that whatever I try to do or say, she will always find something wrong with it - as she have done for years. I weigh my words like gold, trying to find the best way staying with my guns on honesty, openness and acceptance for future contact. I do really not think meeting with her will be of any use, except for a short while when I can rest my eyes upon her dear face. At the same time I do not in any way want be manipulated into a "truce" that does not include her sister who also have suffered a lot through this, and that my oldest daughter has claimed she blames for the whole upset.  My youngest daughter has two children who do not even know they have an aunt and 2 grown cousins. I am convinced there are hidden motives now, too, and that nothing has really changed since 2013. It seems she is unable to take in anything but her own view, besides slandering everyone elses's attempts to meet her half ways.  Thank you if you read all this - I feel so alone in this and need to let some of my pain out to somewhere. I am an educated counselor and have read research and good advice for years - but helping oneself is not so easy. But I know this, that if someone knows about my pain it helps a little... .Thanks again if you read through!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello Nicolaila 

Welcome!

I am so sorry to hear about your situation and I just want to let you know that I can relate to what you have said and I can most definitely relate to your pain.

My uBPD son has been NC with me, my husband and one of his sisters for over eighteen months now. His sister idolised him when they were children and as they grew she would ‘mother’ him, she would do anything for him without question. She too was broken hearted when he turned his back on her and he also turned his back on her children, his two young nephews who he used to play with before they became of school age. My son once told me that I had sacrificed my relationship with him in favour of my relationship with his sister. He couldn’t grasp that I wanted a relationship with both of them, I felt at the time that for him it had to be either/or, and to be honest, I think that had I made the choice for him the outcome would still have been the same, except that I most likely would have lost my daughter as well as my son. So like you I try to focus on the good things in my life, and there are many, but there is always that feeling that something is missing. I am grateful for the support that I have found here and I hope that you choose to hang around for that too x