Introduction, D18 W/BPD in hospital

[amb1395]

My life with my BPD trait daughter is hard. At 14 a therapist stating she was the strongest case of BPD she had seen, but she was too young to diagnose. Shortly after when I tried to get her help, she left our home to live with her estranged dad and chose not to speak to me for over 1.5 years. Love to hate that fast. They gave her all she wanted for awhile. At 16.5, she came back to live me crying saying the other house was so abusive. (So familiar, when she left at 14 she said I was a neglectful parent). They were not quite as loving with her stuff though. Put it out on the front porch in garbage bags and will not speak to her to this day.

Now she is 18 and admitted herself into a hospital for suicidal thoughts. She wanted to go to an outpatient facility for help when she is released at first, but now had made friends at the hospital and wants to move in with them temporarily when she is out. I know its a bad decision, her doctor knows it is, but this is her new attempt at becoming happy. You know and see the fall out before it happens, but she gets very angry if you do anything but let her go.

Impulsive decisions, anger outburst, walking on eggshells, goes from confident to needy and crying she has no friends, its a roller coaster. Love/hate on a dime. Each day and moment is different.

I went to a 12step codependent group  to break away toxic relationships. My husband was said to be somewhere in the cluster B personalities. ? Now, its hard with my daughter as she is so similar to the abuse I chose to stay with for 13 years.
Seeking to love her, and live in peace and not jumping on her roller coaster.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[isilme]

You know and see the fall out before it happens, but she gets very angry if you do anything but let her go.

I'm not a parent, and so I can't say how this feels with a BPD child, but my H has BPD, and it's very hard to see when I need to let him fail so he can learn to self manage.  I am codependent and so need to keep myself from being enabling.  I imagine parenting is very much more of this.  At least with H, we are the same age and I have never been seen as an authority figure to thwart, not really.  But I bet a parent IS seen that way.

Is she being treated at all for anything like anxiety or depression on top of BPD?  Bipolar?  A lot of these more chemical issues can stack on top of the behavioral one called BPD. 

Does she work?  Can she manage to live away from home, with or without roommates?  Does she go to school?

18 sadly is a time for impulsivity to start, even emotionally mature 18 years olds will make mistakes and stumble.  BPD just makes it all worse.

Have you been able to set any boundaries for her?  Like when you'd be willing to bail her out of trouble?  If she needs to keep a job, etc? 

[amb1395]

She has extreme anxiety and her depression has got worse. I spoke to her last night from the hospital. She was angry because the doctors mentioned she believes she is suffering from a personality disorder. She said she is fine and just has child hood issues. She now does not like the doctor. She stated I told the psychiatrist her dad and her didn’t get a long and that’s why she moved out. I corrected, I told the doctor her dad was not healthy mentally (same issues at dad) and kicked her out with a goodbye letter and put her stuff in trash bags and will not talk to her to this day. (Almost 3 years) She Told me her dad and her had a wonderful relationship, etc? How much he loved her... .know prior to her moving there he had little to do with her and lived 1 mile down the road.
She was talking fast and in an up mood last night. She said she  is ready to get out of the hospital as she has so many friends she met.  Doctor wants her to live with me, but she doesn’t know where she is going. Doctor wanted her to have a family meeting and she said no she would not do that and told doctor she is 18 and can live where she wants. Honestly, I want her to get help, but if she is in denial and is not ready,  then it’s probably best for her to do what “she” thinks is right. Our 3 other kids lives will be calmer without the constant drama and anger at home with her.

Yes, she has a job and they are holding it for her. But I feel her upswing want last long and I hope she doesn’t burn through the current opportunity she has where she works.
Boundaries, that is what I am working on it. She is in the state that she talks and you listen. She is working on her and will not have anyone trigger her. Her perception of reality is so skewed when she talks. She contradicts the very thing she mentioned prior in another conversation...  
As I said before, I was in a program for codependents. My dad was this way and my x husband was very much like my dd personality. It’s like I am reliving what I worked so hard to break away from years ago.
I plan on finding a support group to give me the tools to set boundaries and not back slide. Right now I listen and say nothing... .when I say anything, it never ends well.
Question- she is 18, she wants to be an adult and live on her own. Very adamant now about that. Before hospital, wanted to move from friends back home... do I pay her medical bills from hospital? My gut says yes, but no at the same time. She is not following the doctors orders and was not open to having a family meeting. I believe she is protecting herself and doesn’t want anything from anyone to mess up her truth. I don’t think this is a conscious decision?  That family meeting would be helpful for me, I think it would set her in a rage.  I am not sure how to handle this?
Not sure if I stated this, but Monday they were going to release her and she had a panic attack and wanted to stay. She vasilates back and forth. Up and down, how much should I get involved besides just listening?

[isilme]

do I pay her medical bills from hospital?
Is she on your insurance?  Then it may hurt you to not pay and you can't force her to pay.  I'd remove her from your insurance to avoid this question in the future (I know it sounds harsh, but my own dad did it to me knowing I was sick and needed a doctor when he kicked me out, so I am not saying it lightly).  She cannot be "I'm 18, I'll do what I want!" and face no consequences for what she wants.  One part of why BPD continues as bad as it does is that we codependents do everything in our power to smooth the way for them.  

She is not following the doctors orders and was not open to having a family meeting.
Another reason to remove any safety net for now.  Maybe a boundary of "I will help you with XYZ only IF you follow doctor's orders," is possible?

I believe she is protecting herself and doesn’t want anything from anyone to mess up her truth. I don’t think this is a conscious decision?

Likely it is not conscious, but no less "real".  BPD is emotional in nature.  It mistakes feelings for facts, and twists things to make "facts" to fit those feelings.

You, as the active parent, are the bad guy, while absent dad is being painted white - he's not there to dispell her illusions.

pwBPD like to isolate people from corroborating about events, discussion what's happened, or agreeing - it invalidates THEM, and scares them.  It challenges their view of the world.  Making them accept blame and shame for how their life is crazy is very scary to them.  Shame, blame, is toxic, they can't process it and would rather lose all other people in their lives than face it.  

That family meeting would be helpful for me, I think it would set her in a rage.  I am not sure how to handle this?

Look - she's going to have a rage anyway.  We can't control their emotions or reactions beyond how we try to communicate.  Like, I know better than to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain to my H when he's going into a rage - it's too late.  I can control MY actions then, and try to keep the situation from getting worse, and then take a break and leave him alone to calm down.  I can't "make" him calm down, or even prevent him from going into a rage if his emotions dictate he needs one.  

So let that go as a reason to not have a family meeting.  Who would be there?  Wha would you say?  Do you just want a bit of validation yourself, from other family, to make sure they are aware you're trying to get her professional help, but she's adverse to it, and her condition makes her prone to making up stories to paint you as the bad guy?