Pregnancy concealment and fear of not being perfect

[Sama7]

When my uBPD DD, now 27, was 19 she had an abortion at 19 weeks. She had concealed the pregnancy from us, nad by her own admission had been in denial. When we found out she was four-and-a-half months pregnant my partner and I were shocked. What was more shocking was her reason for not telling us sooner was that she was afraid we'd hate her because she wasn't perfect.

We have never had unrealistic expectations of either of our kids and yet, she felt we demanded perfection. We would have preferred that she never had to endure and abortion but feel that she made the right decision.

Is unwanted pregnancy a common thing for young women with BPD?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi there Sama7 

What was more shocking was her reason for not telling us sooner was that she was afraid we'd hate her because she wasn't perfect.

Is unwanted pregnancy a common thing for young women with BPD?

I'm sorry, it's hard for you to know you're DD went through this alone, with out your support. When did your DD share with you? While not in your DD's situation, my DD measures herself perfection v where she is now, in her mind she's always failing, letting everyone else down, despite being talented, supportive, loving, beautiful. When your DD says she was afraid you'd hate her, I read that as she feels guilt and shame. No woman wants to have an abortion. Was it an unwanted pregnancy, or your DD recognising she can't do this because of her mental health?

I'm glad you've raised this. Women with BPD, can be impulsive and more vulnerable, maybe the prevalence is higher than other populations.

Your DD shared and opened up to you is great. She reached out to you to  validate her decision and sought you for support, she does not want to be alone 8 years later. My 30DD has shared she won't have children, she can't look after herself and it'd scare her witless right now.

Do you think she feels comfort now, sharing with you?

WDx 

[Sama7]

Hi wendydarling,

My DD's pregnancy was unwanted and the result of a relationship that lasted about 2 and a half months. She was away for the weekend, didn't have her birth control pills or meds, and made the choice to have unprotected sex because he apparently didn't like condoms."

Her self-esteem was so far int he toiled when she met him. She'd crashed and burned at uni, a result of her deteriorating mental health, and had returned home feeling embarrassed at her failure. (Again, perfectionism.)

It was if she couldn't be the best girl in the world she̓d be the worst... .she became incredibly impulsive around other things like shopping, food, activities... .

[Daisy123]

Hi Sama7,

I don’t know of any specific percentages of unwanted pregnancy and BPD.

I do know just how impulsive my DD20 has been and still continues to be. She refuses to have an IUD. Psychiatrist is totally against the pill because DD does not take meds regularly. We’ve not explored the implant or shot. So yes, I am terrified of an unwanted pregnancy.

In my Family Connections class of 8 families, impulsivity was definitely a shared symptom. Drugs, stealing, an unwanted pregnancy were all part of the drama that took place during the 12 week class.

[wendydarling]

Hi Sama7

Ah, I misread she told you late at the time of the pregnancy. These years on does your daughter still think in her mind you demand perfection, even though you never have? Does she ever talk about it with you now?

WDx

[Sama7]

Thanks, Wendydarling.

I think intellectually she accepts that neither myself or her mom (we are a lesbian couple) demand perfection. However, when she is feeling vulnerable she starts a cycle of "I will never be as good as Mom." Her Mom and I both work in entertainment and have had interesting careers. Her brother is following our path despite us telling him how difficult it can be!

Our DD has always felt like the three of us, who share a very similar sense of humour have a secret club. We have addressed by this telling her she is part of the club, too — the family club. As for never being "as good as Mom," we have repeatedly told her over the years that what she should aspire to is being the best DD she can and that may take a very different form and that we expect that.

I wish I had a way of making her believe that all we want, and all we have ever wanted for her is happiness, in whatever form she finds it. Suggestions?

[wendydarling]

Hi Samara7

That must be hard for you to hear your DD in these cycles, comparing herself to others, that feeling of not belonging despite your assurance. How she feels is her truth. Some people with BPD struggle to self validate. Are you familiar with validation, validate the valid tool to your right? having been through DBT my DD recognises she needs more validation than most people. Have you considered joint counselling, therapy to help her look how she feels about the family. It might be a stepping stone, entry point to wider issues for her to look at independently, perfection for one.

WDx