How to deal with breaking up with my BPD partner

[Rose77]

Hi... .I’m new here.
I seek advice on how to break up and leave my abusive partner. Everytime I initiate a breakup he threatens to defame me or cries and I become weak and go back.

I wrote a long message as to why I need to leave. He deleted them not wanting to read them or cares about how I feel. He only wants to talk or meet so he can yell at me and blame me for everything he did to me.

How do I get them to understand me? Or listen or read how I feel?

How do I just move on without even needing them to know how much hurt and pain they put me through.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Panda39]

Hi Rose77,

I come at BPD from a slightly different angle, my significant other (SO) has an undiagonosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw), but I did want to stop in and say welcome 

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling any break-up is hard but seems it's doubly hard when your partner is BPD or has BPD Traits.

Can you tell us a little bit more about the relationship?  How long have you been together?  Are you living together?

I seek advice on how to break up and leave my abusive partner. Everytime I initiate a breakup he threatens to defame me or cries and I become weak and go back.

It sounds like he is using what we call FOG (Fear, Oblication, Guilt) or emotional blackmail to keep you coming back.  Below is a link to more on FOG.  I think learning to recognize the FOG is one of the most helpful things you can do for yourself. In my opinion once you recognize some BPD behaviors it can help to take things less personally which can help with detaching.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I also want to point out the box to the right ---> each item is a link to more information please feel free to check out anything that resonates.

Take Care 
Panda39

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Rose-

I’m sorry that you find yourself in this difficult and painful situation.  PwBPD (people with BPD) are most often incapable of hearing any type of criticism, so trying to explain your reasons for leaving the relationship may prove fruitless.  And yes, he will most likely continue to attempt to turn the tables on you as long as you allow that, so as Panda states, you’ll continue to feel that FOG.

Understanding FOG, and how to handle that IS important and can help to lessen the emotional impact on you.  Nothing you say will make him feel better, so please understand that.  And again, trying to explain YOUR pain to him will sadly fall on deaf ears.  Sorry... .

If you do not live together, as long as your safety is assured, how you exit the relationship is ENTIRELY up to you.  You are allowed to simply state that, with whatever words you choose, that you appreciate the time you’ve spent together, but you feel the relationship is no longer healthy for either of you.  Or you can simply state that you’re taking space for awhile. Period.

You cannot control what he says in response.  Or how hard he “cries”.  You CAN however turn off your phone.  You do NOT have to listen to him yelling at you.

My relationship “ended” when BPDbf left in a rage one day.  He fully expected me to pretty instantly forgive him, as I had done for the prior 4.5 years.  Except this time I couldn’t forgive him.  I never actually broke up with him.  I just let it quietly slip away.  He thought I was taking space.  Nope.

Please tell us more so we can provide more targeted guidance.  We understand... .none of this is easy.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[AskingWhy]

Whatever you do, and before you break up with your BPD partner, please read,
"Splitting. " by Bill Eddy.  This is an essential guide to breaking free from a relationship, especially in the legal sense, from a pwBPD or NPD.

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254