Possibly BPD Child

[WorriedMumAus]

Hello there.
This is my first post. I have an 11 year old, nearly 12 year old boy who is showing definite traits of BPD. Life most days is hell for me, my partner and his siblings (13 year old and 9 year old boys). My child has always been difficult since birth, and it has continued on into his childhood.
He can be such a lovely child, caring and kind, loves to help out when hes in the mood, but it can all change in an instant. Says he hates me, im a bad parent, he hates his  younger brother, he hates my partner and wishes he would die.
Nothing is ever his fault. He likes to provoke arguments with people, put them down and then say it's a joke even when it upsets someone, he lies, takes food, says adults can't tell kids what to do, he teases animals with food and likes to scare them (he finds this very funny). If someone does something he doesn't agree with, he will say he hates them or call them names (behind their back, such as being told to clean something up).
He likes to hoard things in his room, and has traits of OCD - although the room is fairly disordered, he has an order for all the things. He still has clothes from when he was 2 and 3 years old that he likes to keep as they were his favourites. He has an old bathmat from their childhood in his room that he likes to keep.
He won't let anyone in his room but he will go in anyone elses rooms and not respect their boundaries or privacy. He is argumentative constantly and always wants wants wants.
I am exhausted, and my partner is exhausted. My child refuses to live at the house while my partner lives there and will not sleep over on nights my partner is home (sometimes he sleeps out for work). He always tells me he is ugly and hates him and has ruined his life and wants him to disappear. But he will be nice to my partners face. It is ruining the relationship with myself and my partner, as my partner doesn't think he should be allowed to sleep over at all if he won't sleep over when my partner is home, as it further divides them and creates disrespect.But then I don't want to isolate my child. I feel my child emotionally blackmails me and makes me feel guilty and then I cave in.

Does this sound like BPD to you? I have thought it for a long time but it seems to fall on deaf ears. This is just the very surface of alot of issues.

Thanks in advance for any comments or advice.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello WorriedMumAus and welcome to BPD Family 

I'm so sorry for all you've been through, are going through, with your son. It's no wonder you're exhausted, as you say, life is hell most days!

You say you feel your son emotionally blackmails you, he doesn't respect others' boundaries, and that you cave in out of guilt. Have you read some of the TOOLS here? This article came to mind:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Where does your son stay when he doesn't stay in your house? He says he hates you, your partner, and his younger brother. Does he get along with his older brother?

I'm really glad you found us. We are here to support you and understand what you're going through.

~ OH

[Feeling Better]

Hello WorriedMumAus

I would like to join Only Human in welcoming you here

I’m sorry to hear that your son has been difficult since birth, and now that he is older he is causing problems between yourself and your partner, it must be really distressing for you.

You say that you feel that your child emotionally blackmails you and makes you feel guilty, may I suggest that you read through this article that I am giving you the link to, you might find that it helps you with this.

Emotional blackmail. Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

There are other tools here that you will also find useful, but I don’t want to bombard you with too much information in one go x