At my wits end...really...

[medianeh]

I'm new here!  But unfortunately not new to BPD.  I have a 26 year old gay daughter that was diagnosed with this about 5 years ago.  What an emotional roller coaster it has been!

A bit of background:

We always knew two things about my daughter:

1.  There was something amiss with her behavior;
2.  She was gay.  I truly believe she was born this way as we knew from the time she was about 5 years old on... .

Anyway, I have no issue whatsoever with her being a lesbian.  None.  Neither does my husband.  I believe though that being gay combined with BPD makes it worse for her emotionally.

My daughter always did really, really well in school.  She graduated in the top 5 of her class.  She's super book smart, but literally has not one ounce of common sense.  None.

Since she turned 18, it's been nothing but heartache after heartache.  Just when I think she's doing good - the other shoe drops.  She's been in trouble with the law (2 DWI's), and is now on anklet for alcohol monitoring with the courts so her 2nd conviction can get reduced.  She knows that he can't drink - obviously because of the monitor, so instead, she's been doing drugs.  I know throughout the years she's experimented with just about everything out there.

She's 26, lives on her own, and holds a job.  That's never been an issue.  However, she relies on me a lot.  No drivers license - so rides here and there.  I feel I'm somewhat to blame for the predicament we are in now because I've discovered that what I thought was help throughout the years, was nothing less than enabling and co-dependency.  I've done everything from college paperwork (student loans), budgeting, etc., you name it for her.  Stuff that I now know she could've/should've done herself.

Our latest dilemma is this:  I've discovered that she has recently been hanging around a 52 year old man who clearly is a meth head.  No doubt she's doing it too.  I'm rather certain that's what she's done because when she does drugs, she tends to get very chatty - and she's been super chatty.I've called her out on it, and now she's mad at me, saying I've invaded her privacy, blah, blah, blah. 

To back up a bit, and to add to all the stress, my mother recently passed away from pancreatic cancer on October 3, 2018 - just over a month ago.  I'm still trying to process it and grieve as it happened so fast (22 days after diagnosis), that I feel cheated and feel like I can't even grieve the way I'm supposed to because of all this stuff going on with my daughter.  I will say that my daughter was super close with my mom (we all were), and has taken her death pretty hard.  My mom was on her death bed and looked right at my daughter and said "don't disappoint Grandma".  My mom has always been there and was my confidant and knew everything that happened or was happening.  My two kids were her only Grandchildren.

The past few weeks I knew something was going on because when my daughter is up to no good, I don't hear as much from her.   Kind of like a guilty-conscience I suppose.  Enter in this 52 year old meth head.  She met him a few weeks ago - and of course most communication with me stopped.

She now has cut me out of her life basically since I called her out on what was happening.  Once she told me to f*** off, I was done.  I won't be disrespected like that.  As much as I don't want to feel bad for her, I still do because I know she's been suffering with depression really bad lately because of my mom (and a relationship that ended recently).

She has court on Monday that I'm not taking her to.  I figure at this point, she'll have to rely on her druggie friends to help her out.  I'm done.  I'm out.  I've had enough, and can't take anymore.

I feel bad because I am her mother.  I've tried though, I feel I've done all I can to help.  She's a grown adult and any bad decisions she makes, she will have to face consequences of her actions.

I've explained to her that on a text that I don't even think she read.  Basically told her that I love her, I always will, and that when she's ready to get help for herself, I will be there.

I feel like she thinks she's punishing me because of the no contact, and I suppose in a way - it is.  But at the same time, in a way, I feel a sense of relief.  Like I don't have to deal with the drama and stress anymore.

Any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jones54]

Hi Medianeh,
Welcome to the site. You will find great information here and know that you are not alone in your struggles. I have a 33 yo BPD daughter that is very similar to yours. She has addiction issues (heroin) and suffers from BPD. Your daughter is able to support herself. My daughter has great difficulties. She can hold a job for a bit but usually loses it. The problem that our daughters suffer from is that they are codiagnosed. Having BPD and addiction issues makes it twice as hard to get better (need treatment for both).
All I can say is that you have to have boundaries. Very difficult to have and sit by and watch while they make mistakes. My daughter has been evicted, homeless, using heroin and living with the BPD the last 12 months. We believe she is sober but really has no place to live. She connected with an alcoholic man years ago who is in his 60's. Very smart guy (CPA) but actually spent 3 months in jail last year for failing drug court. My daughter recently was kicked out of two halfway houses, traveled to Florida only to run out of money and be homeless. She is back and he took her in but now is getting pressure from his friends and family to make her leave.
We have waited a year for my BPD daughter to hit "rock bottom". She did spend 3 months in rehab in the Spring and feel she is heroin free at this time but the rest of her life is a mess. She has no contact with us at the time and blames us for all her problems.
Not sure what to do for your daughter. She will not stop using drugs until she wants to stop (let her have the consequences). As far as her BPD, it is the same thing. They have to get tired of how they feel enough to want to get help. My daughter agrees to therapy but then never follows thru. Hard being a parent and feeling hopeless not being able to intervene. We have intervened  for years and it has never helped.
The no contact from her is to punish you. Very common.
I am sure others will have comments. Read what you can on BPD.
Glad you are here. You came to the right place.

[marla]

Hi there!

I just posted a similar story yesterday, maybe the day before. My daughter is 18 almost 19. I won't rehash it all, you can maybe see my post and read it. What I wanted to say is that I'm sorry and you are not alone. While our children's ages are different the behaviors are the same and I feel your heartache. I also feel like I've created her learned helplessness due to my co-dependency.

Take care of yourself, that's the best thing you can do. At least that's what I'm trying to do. 

[medianeh]

Thanks so much.

I agree.  I guess I am just so tired of dealing with all the drama and stress that like I say, I'm almost relieved to not have to have contact with her.

She can support herself (well at least she does right now), but I have a feeling she failed her bi-weekly drug test, and that Monday's court date will reveal that.  If she tested positive, she WILL go to jail.  We've already been down that road in April when she tested positive for cocaine.  The judge made her sit in jail for a week.  Of course I was the one to get in touch with her supervisor at work to make sure she had time off coming, and didn't lose her job.  (My enabling, and I realize that now).  The jail time worked for a bit, but she has now figured out that if she stays clean for a week at a time, then her drug tests come out negative.  This time though, I don't think that will be the case.  I'll have to check mobile patrol on Monday to see if she's actually in jail.  I will not help her this time.  Her meth head druggie 52 year old thing will have to help her with that.  I'm done.  If she loses her job this time because of jail - then that's her problem.  Not mine.  I've done all I can to try to steer her in the right direction, and all it ever is is a let down.  

I still have a 14 year old at home.  There's absolutely no way I ever want her to live at my house again.  Thankfully, he's a great kid, and sees what she's put us through.

We've recently made sure our windows are all locked, we changed our locks on our doors, and our garage door opener code. I don't know this druggie she's hanging with and have no clue what he's capable of.  

Such a vicious cycle... .

 

[Only Human]

Hi medianeh  

Changing the locks and garage code is wise. I've changed my locks so many times, each time switching out the knob itself. Then I found locks that can be re-keyed and that part of my life got easier. It's the little things,  haha.

Welcome to BPD Family, I'm glad you're here

~ OH

[medianeh]

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[wendydarling]

Hello medianeh  

I join jones54, marla and Only Human , welcoming you to family.

My deep condolences to you, losing your Mother so suddenly is traumatic, heart breaking .    I get you, there is no space for you to grieve. My father passed and within a month my daughter plummeted into crisis, diagnosed. Challenging times. Grief counselling was such a relief for me, I was able to leave BPD behind, out of the room and take care of me, and my father. It however took me a year to reach out for grief counselling, totally focused on my DD crisis, my fear of losing her.

Your Mum sounds a diamond, precious, I'm glad she was there for you and you've joined us. 

WDx