Hasn't even been 24 hours since BPD daughter has been released

[KHC_33]

Frustrated this am. My BPD daughter is being indecisive. I understand she is feeling overwhelmed/anxious. She is currently staying at her friend's right now after being released (because my BPD mom was going to stay until Monday). My BPD mom didn't and she's gone back to her city.

I have stuff to do today to prep for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

My BPD daughter said sure she will come home at noon after I told her it would work great for us then decided she is coming home later.

Things on my list:
1) groceries (I was on all week staying close by to the hospital/center for her so I need to restock and my BPD daughter has 0 funds so I was going to help her out but would like her to be involved with doing this task. Her BPD friend told me just to text me what she needs at the store - sorry I am not doing that. If she needs stuff she can make an effort to be presence and physically help getting the items at the store and bring them home. I am not her slave and I won't start now.

2) Our family consists of my fiancé and my youngest daughter. We need to sit down and talk better how to support her, what she needs, get things settled and be communicative while everyone is available. My fiancé works 13 hours a day and my youngest is going to school tomorrow. I have clients to start back with after a week's schedule has been missed.

3) Tuesday I am leaving to head back to the city we just came from due to a major cardiology appointment. My cardiologist is affirmative that I need a 4th open heart surgery. It is not without risks as I have serious health issues aside from the heart. We will be discussing plans, actions, what's next, pros, cons and preparation for 2019 surgery. I will be unavailable Monday night and gone Tuesday early am. I need to have good head space to deal with all these things that my BPD daughter is experiencing/needs support in.

She tells me well I will walk to you when you get back. I honestly don't want to. I am extremely nervous and truly scared of having this surgery. I am 97lbs and I cannot gain, muscle atrophy, weak, in a wheelchair and I have malabsorption disorder which causes me not to gain appropriately. The surgeons want me to be 120 lbs. It's not going to happen. 

Help me. I am frustrated because I have stuff I need to handle yet she wants it only to be on her terms and when she wants to.

I am trying hard here. I can't just stop living and ignore what's needing to be dealt with.

I ended our conversation on video - just let me know and keep me in the loop. I can't help her if she can't compromise and work with me :-/

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi.  That all sounds overwhelming to deal with. 

I am not sure how to help you except to say pick your battles.  Health, yours, first otherwise you are no good to anyone.  Regarding your daughter, you can't force her to be involved in her own recovery if she chooses otherwise.  I am not sure what to suggest to get her more invested.  I just wanted to reply here and let you know you are being heard and we care.

What do you need/want from us right now?

[wendydarling]

KHC yikes you are on catch up, overwhelming as Harri says, after all you've been through with DD, I'm sorry your DD's indecisiveness is impacting what you need to get done.

I'm thinking of the saying often used here by parents, put your oxygen mask on first, perhaps the next few days is the time especially due to your major cardiology appointment. Do you think that may help, standing back from DD, give her some space, you too these next few days?

WDx

[KHC_33]

She's home. I am relieved. We discussed things and I reassured her I love her.

I can go in peace now on Tuesday and Wednesday to my appointment.

There's another issue. I am numb. I have to start clients tomorrow and get caught up for week I missed.

I feel absolutely nothing... I can't be like this. I am a professional dog trainer.

Now what do I do?

I need encouragement, validation and confidence. I feel like I have nothing to give at this point even at work.

[Harri]

Hey.  I am glad you were able to talk and at least put to rest some concerns for now.

As for what to do?  Stay in the present.  Focus on what you are doing when you are doing it.  Going numb is frustrating, or it is for me when that happens but you can work with it.  You've got this.  Stay away from thoughts of "i can't" and "what am I going to do".  You are going to work just like always and you will work with your clients like always.  How you talk to yourself in your head is important.  Be neutral if you can't be positive.

You are not alone in this.  You have us here on the son/daughter board and you have us over on the parent/sibling board and you have support from your fiancee and doctors.  

Come here when you feel stressed.  Can you check in during the day tomorrow?  We'll be here.     I know it is hard and I do not mean to be invalidating so I hope it is not coming across that way.

[KHC_33]

Checking in. Today was okay. I felt a spark after doing 1 client. I have one in about 15 mins and one got 5:30 until 7:30. I get home and start packing for Hamilton (cardiologist appointment).

I am trying to rest inbetween. It's been difficult. My daughter is home and yes I suggested it so she can ease back into everything. She's spent most of her day ON HER PHONE as always.

Glad I'm leaving tomorrow. Next few days/this week is going to be all about me.

Mom is AWOL.

I love you guys. Thank you for being there. I am still struggling off and on. Trying to cope. Today was between 1-10 it was a 4 day. I can take that. Better then bring a 1.

[Harri]

   It is good to hear you are doing okay and managing well! 

I know you don't really 'play with puppies' but you play with puppies and get paid for it!   

Mom being AWOL sounds like a good thing?

Next few days/this week is going to be all about me.

Good.  Do pop in for a boost if you want and to give us an update.  We've got ya.

[KHC_33]

LOL I love my job. Getting paid to train with dogs and puppies! It's heaven.

Yes AWOL Mom is a good thing (Me being Mom).

Today I decided not to answer my BPD mom (she's telling me how numb she is after being the way she was for an entire week).

I sent a link to my Dad today also what BPD parents are like with abuse (my mom). He never knew. I wanted him to know what he missed out on and how he missed the opportunity to protect me.

I am seriously taking a vaca this week and going to be off the grid from anyone that remotely tries to trigger stress. My last 5:30pm client said today take the time off. I appreciate your professionalism but life gets in the way.

I am giving myself permission to skip days if I need to.

I need me first for foremost
That feels amazing