Update: the mature conversation has happened but we may be over

[Notwendy]

I don't think what you are doing is enabling. Blocking him from texting while keeping the land line open to communicate is also a good way to handle this.

[Bnonymous]

Thanks, notwendy. I don't feel good about it at all, but I accept it as the closest thing to a solution I can find for now. He said himself that ideally he has to be the one to stop it - he said (in one of his wonderful analogies that I love so much) "*I* am the one behind the controls of the wrecking ball, and *I* should be the one to find a way to make myself switch it off". He can still do that - as long as he doesn't send these abusive messages, he won't be blocked.

To be clear, I am talking about very clearly emotionally abusive texts, not just ranting or insulting or swearing etc. I am talking about when he uses areas of vulnerability confided in confidence and misuses that trust to (attempt to) cause pain or self-doubt.

E.g.

"You just liked the drama of crying 'rape' - I bet you enjoyed it when x's dad did it to you - I think you're just dirty like that"

"It's no wonder your mom and dad didn't like you and preferred your sister - who'd want a slag for a daughter?"

Really heavy-duty emotional abuse.

I can't let it continue.

[Notwendy]

I agree. I have a boundary like this with my BPD mother. She doesn't text- not her generation- but she has said some horrible things to me about my father. Just like your background, the things your BF says in the moment are about topics that you are sensitive to.

I can't speak for your BF, but when my mom does this, she is in victim mode. She feels hurt and that sets her into "hurt back" mode due to her tendency to project her bad feelings and her perception of me as being the persecutor on the drama triangle.

I can take the perspective that this is her, not me, but to me, I don't want her saying such things about a topic that is personal to me. By the same analogy- you shared your difficult experiences with your BF. They are not his to invoke when he wants to. That's a boundary- these are about you, not him, and you are the determiner of when you want to discuss them.

Likewise with my father.  All I have left of him now that he is deceased are my memories. They are not hers. So I finally told her I would not discuss my father with her. That's a boundary. However, I do have contact with her in other aspects.

[SweetCharlotte]

To be clear, I am talking about very clearly emotionally abusive texts, not just ranting or insulting or swearing etc. I am talking about when he uses areas of vulnerability confided in confidence and misuses that trust to (attempt to) cause pain or self-doubt.

E.g.

"You just liked the drama of crying 'rape' - I bet you enjoyed it when x's dad did it to you - I think you're just dirty like that"

"It's no wonder your mom and dad didn't like you and preferred your sister - who'd want a slag for a daughter?"

Really heavy-duty emotional abuse.

I can't let it continue.

Those are really mean texts, B-non. I can see why you would find them a betrayal of your trust. They remind me of the meanness of my uBPD mother (long deceased). She was also adept at finding my weak spot and digging into it. And you said in your case this reminds you of your father.

I am also struck, however, at how the texts, though wicked, show that he understands you, and remembers things about you. Many pwBPD (like my uBPDh, for example) do not have the object permanence to use this maladaptive strategy, and/or they are too self-centered to actually remember and process your life story and feelings as you have recounted them. Maybe this is part of the better side of his disposition towards you—he gets you, even though he shows it the wrong way.

[Bnonymous]

Thanks, notwendy. I'm glad you were able to set that boundary with your mother and keep her away from your treasured memories.

Thanks, SweetCharlotte. That's an interesting way of looking at it.