BPD partner left me after 10 years

[flowerboy89]

Hello everyone,

I'm new to this website. I honestly have so many questions and thoughts going through my mind, I guess I'm not sure where to turn to next. To summarize the best that I can... .I began dating someone with BPD when I was 18. She was so loving and caring at the beginning of our relationship and everything seems so amazing the first few months. I then found out about 1-2 years into our relationship she started having feelings for some guy online. This crush ended up lasting for a few years to where at one point she was even considering moving to him with our child. Ultimately she decided to stay. I was so happy and excited but this was a big hit to me, and made me feel really insecure and bitter inside. She eventually about a few years later started flirting with another guy online, that stopped quickly, but again another big hit to me. I then began to fall into a depression while I later became unemployed for about 2 years.

Then it all came crashing down in October of this year, after all the cheating and sticking around by her side. She broke up with me out of nowhere. I made the announcement to her that I was going to better myself and live my 30s a lot better than my 20s. She took that as her chance to end things. I then am told by her she's been taking to a new guy online for about the last year. Oh and we still live together with our child and she plans on visiting this online guy who is 19 by the way and she's 29, at the beginning of January on a four day getaway trip.

I love her with all my heart and she's my best friend. I have so much fun being around her and we still have such amazing talks. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," she keeps saying. We've even had sex since the break up and she says she would like to continue having sex with me. If she does go through with meeting this guy, as hard as it is for me to say it, I'm done. I've told her this but she still wants to meet him, I told her I am not her plan B and don't expect me to take you back if things don't workout with this guy.

I wasn't the greatest boyfriend during my depression and like I told her, I want to better our relationship and make things right. I ask her if she will give me one last chance, and that's all I need to make her happy again. I want us to help each other reach our life goals together. She responses, "I could see myself getting back together with you, but that's just something I don't want right now." I don't know what to do and I need some advice to maybe point me in the right direction. She's been depressed a lot lately and even said she thought her depression was due to me.
However she know knows that I wasn't the cause of her depression. We have separate therapy session with the same therapist once a week. I would love nothing more than to have my family back again.

Thank you if you took the time to read this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

You've found a supportive community where members understand the challenges faced by loved ones of people with BPD.  Can you tell us what made you first suspect that your partner has BPD?  How old is your son or daughter?

RC

[flowerboy89]

Hello,

Thank you for the response. She said she was officially diagnosed in her teenage years when she was in a group home. She’s seeing a therapist now, but the therapist told her she doesn’t have BPD only because she was with me for 10 years. I started seeing her same therapist but we have separate sessions. Our son is autistic and is 8, we still live together but he has no clue we’re separated. I kinda has a clue there’s something wrong since we sleep in separate rooms.

[flowerboy89]

Also even though this new therapist says she doesn’t have BPD. She strongly feels she still has BPD.

[Radcliff]

She’s seeing a therapist now, but the therapist told her she doesn’t have BPD only because she was with me for 10 years.

Can you try explaining the above again?  I'm not sure I understand.

Regardless whether the therapist thinks she has BPD, the coping tools you can learn here can help, and the advice and support from fellow members can help as well.

One of the first things to learn is that you can't change her behavior.  It sounds simple, but it's a hard thing for most of us to accept.  We need to start sorting out the things we have control over and the things we don't, then start making progress changing the things we can control.  Does that make sense?

RC

[flowerboy89]

She was diagnosed with BPD while at a group home she was maybe 15 or 16. She told her therapist she has BPD and her therapist says she doesn’t think she does. Mainly because she was able to stay in a relationship with me for 10 years.

Yes what you said does make a lot of sense. I feel I spend a lot of my time trying to please her and get her to fall in love with me again. It’s obviously not working since we’ve been broken up for 2 months already and nothing.

What would you recommend I read or what tools should Inuse here to help out? I’m very new to this site.

Thanks again.

[once removed]

hi flowerboy89, i want to join Radcliff in saying

What would you recommend I read or what tools should Inuse here to help out? I’m very new to this site.

the lessons are all here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

the tools are all in the big green tab at the top of the screen, marked "Tools".

there is also a wealth of knowledge to be gained in the workshops here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

just dive right in! it will also help to join in the threads of others as you read... .it will help build your support network, and i continue to learn lessons from my relationship by applying what ive learned to the circumstances of others.

you mentioned you had a lot of questions... .whats on your mind?

is she planning yet to meet the guy from the internet? do you know when or if its going to happen?

[flowerboy89]

Hello,

Thank you for the link and helping with finding the tools on here.

As of now yes she plans on meeting him in January. Like on a 4 day get away while I take care of our son. Not sure how I’ll react to it. I already know he just wants to sleep with her, even though she says she doesn’t plan on sleeping with him. I don’t believe her. Some days are easier than others, but what bothers me is she’d rather give this stranger a chance instead of me another chance. I know I can make her happy again like we once were, and can become stronger because of all this.

[desperate.wife]

 

but the therapist told her she doesn’t have BPD only because she was with me for 10 years.

My husband's psychiatrist (all two of them) are surprised we are together 15 years. He didn't cheat on me till this year, and all this year is the talk how he wants to sleep with other people and asks my permission.

As of now yes she plans on meeting him in January. Like on a 4 day get away while I take care of our son. Not sure how I’ll react to it.

I am sorry you have to go through this. How do you feel? What might be your reactions?
It may become reality to me too, him going to see other people while I stay with our D3. I am running all the scenarios in my head. I try to understand how he feels and what it means to him. And me. How much he can control and how much I should accept.

It bothers me too that he prefers to give chance to other people than fixing things with us. I guess it requires too much effort and results are not immediate.

 

[once removed]

what is the day to day living with her like, in practical terms? do the two of you more or less get along, is it tense?

[flowerboy89]

It’s very tough to deal with, I think about it everyday actually. She actually told me today she plans on not going out of town in January  and she plans on staying here in town. I don’t know if that means he plans on coming here to the town we live in. I didn’t ask, too nervous to ask honestly. I’ll see what happens when we get closer to that date.

As far as us living together we’ve had some days we’re we don’t talk much or we might argue a bit. But I’d say about 80% of the time we talk and spend time together with our child. It’s all a strange mess. We still kind of flirt with each other every now and then and she had been talking about doing a friends with benefits thing with me. But today she told her therapist about the idea and the therapist told her that was a very bad idea. So I think now she doesn’t want to do it.

She still texts that other guy though and she kind of purposely puts her phone where I can she it when she gets texts notifications from him. And she has heart emojis all over his name, I’m learning to control my emotions and ignore it now. Before I’d get really upset with her.

[Radcliff]

My wife and I were together for 30 years, married for 24.  She has BPD.  True, one hallmark of BPD is unstable relationships, but it's possible to be in an unstable relationship for a long, long time.

Can you tell us more about the circumstances around the breakup?  You said you told her you planned to live your 30's better than your 20's and that triggered the breakup.  What exactly happened?

RC

[flowerboy89]

Sorry to hear about your marriage. Well basically we met at 18, our love for one another was great. She became ADDICTED to playing video games online. Only thing is guys flirt with her on there and she gets feelings for them. About 1-2 years into our relationship she was cheating on me with someone online. This is her 3rd time doing this to me. So due to this my 20s were spent bitter, angry,depressed, jealous, needy, insecure. I’d give her time to herself by letting her play her games and that’s like the ONLY thing she ever wants to do. Since she’s never cheated on me with anyone in person just online. I’ve always forgiven her, but it’s still hard to deal with.

Update: So today we had dinner and I told her to be honest with me since she says I’m her best friend. She admitted she’s dating this guy, 2 days after she broke up with me. Has been talking to him for over a year. He’s coming to visit her and stay at a hotel with him for 4 days. Pretty sure she might have sex with him, but that’s not the plan. I said well he’s traveling to come see you to spend 4 nights with you so that’s his plan.

I remained calm overall and told her she can do what she wants she’s an adult. Only he is to come nowhere near my home, or idk what I’ll do or how I’ll react. I told her if he hurt her or did anything wrong to her, I will confront him, I told her regardless she’s still the mother of my son. Then we get home later we talk for a bit more and she ends up having sex with me. We’re not together and we didn’t even kiss. But yeah idk what happens from here... .by the way this is our 2nd time now having sex while she’s been dating this new guy.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry to hear about the guy she's dating.  I can only begin to imagine how you feel.

I'm still having trouble connecting the dots.  I understand better how you don't like the way you lived in your 20's.  But how did you saying you wanted your 30's to go better lead her to break up with you?  How did that discussion go?

RC

[once removed]

Then we get home later we talk for a bit more and she ends up having sex with me.

that escalated quickly!

is this confusing for you? how do you feel about it?