Diagnosis and Support

[tcm]

I'm looking for suggestions for support for my now 18 year old daughter.  She was diagnosed with ADHD and Asperger's at the age of 10.  She has been on several medications but they do not really seem to help.  Her behavior really seems to be in line with BPD and it seems every time we switch psychiatrist in the past her diagnosis has changed.  We have been told she is bipolar, BPD, schizoaffective disorder and wow she has everything!  I'm a little tired of the diagnosis because it seems to change depending on her mood and the interpretation of the tester. A lot of her symptoms are in the BPD except she does not inflict self harm.  She just threatens to when she wants to get her way.

The problem now is she is 18 and won't take her medicine or go to a counselor.  I'm not sure how much the meds help, but we are having a horrible time transitioning.  Her father and I are divorced and she lived with me for about a year, but she was so destructive we put her in a therapeutic boarding school.  She still has poor social skills and still had horrible trantrums there but was better in a controlled environment.

Now she has graduated high school and was living with her father, but he is getting married and she has to move out of his apartment.  She does not want to live with me, which I am not too upset about, because she would sometimes get physical with me when she would not get her way when she lived with me.  The problem is that she cannot keep a job because of her lack of emotional regulation and her poor social skills.  She has gone through 4 jobs in 6 months. And she has a difficult time interviewing because of her poor social skills.


We are looking at apartments, but she is terrified to stay by herself.  She has a boyfriend that does not work and is homeless. He does not seem to want to work even though I have tried to help him a number of times. Her father let him move in with her so I think she is going to let him live with her at the new apartment without paying.  The problem is she is expecting us to pay her expenses because she cannot do it!  She has problems!  I do not know what to do.  I do not really want to create a situation where these two are dependant on me financially, but I do not know how she can move forward.  I have checked in our town and there are not any facilities or homes appropriate for her, because she is too high functioning.  I do not mind helping her get on her feet, but I think she is not really going to try to get on her feet as long as we are paying for everything and it's hard for her to be motivated when her boyfriend does not have to work.  I know the main reason she is going to allow him to move in is because she does not want to be alone and she does not have any friends. Because she has told me she can't sleep when she is in the apartment alone and she hates the fact that her boyfriend does not pay for anything.  I suspect he has some addiction problems, because I have paid him to do some work for me and he has not contributed any funds to their expenses.  And she has bought him presents and he has never reciprocated.

I know this was a lengthy post, but I am at my wits end and not sure how to move forward.  I appreciate any inputs.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello tcm  and welcome to the Family.

You've really been through a lot with your daughter (DD) and I can tell that you are doing everything you can to help her. I'm so glad you reached out for support for yourself. It takes a lot of courage to make that first post and I commend you for that.

I am heading out for the day but wanted to welcome you and tell you that you've come to the right place for support, advice, and learning. I've learned so much here that has helped me with my 25-year-old daughter (DD25).

I hope you settle in and find this place a source of support for you. We get it, we understand, this is a safe place.

~ OH

[Lollypop]

Hi TCM

I’m so very glad you found us!

My son28 is now able to hold down a job, and he lives in a kind of half way situation. I can’t tell you how challenging it was.  Things didn’t turn around for us until I joined this forum and committed myself to learning a new way. It’s not perfect, there’s still problems but somehow with the new skills learnt here we get by. I’m happier and my family are too.

The good news is, like others here, you have an opportunity to learn a new approach yourself. You’re not on your own, we’re here.

There’s a lot for you to be dealing with and I totally understand your concerns. I faced them too - my son refused treatment and to work. We found a way forwards for ourselves. I’ve got to fly out of the house but didn’t want to leave without touching base with you. I’m sorry about this. I’ll be back!

What’s your relationship like with your daughter? How much do you know about BPD? Take a look top right of this page.

Hugs

LP